Monday 28 November 2011

How do I fix this one?

A second attempt at sex finally happened.  It still really hurt and we stopped right away.
I cried afterwards (because I was sulking, not because the pain lingers.)  I did some reading and I suspect some health problems, but then again I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.  At the very least, it is incredibly frustrating to have waited so long and then have the experience be so miserable and slightly embarrassing.  I'm already insecure about bedroom stuff, because I feel like I don't know what to do... I want so much to be 'normal'.

 Walrus was very sweet and comforting and told me he loved me about twenty times...
I knew there was a reason why I keep him.  :)

I'm going to try and get some books from the library and see if I can figure out what's going wrong.

Friday 18 November 2011

Strides

The other day was mom was telling me about an old neighbour and I asked about the middle son (he's a few years older than me).  I haven't seen him in years, but I used to think he was cute.  He was really smart and a talented photographer as well. Apparently he's dating a woman now with severe health problems, like Crohn's disease or something, and he's become her main caregiver.  He never dated before this (which I didn't know) and his family thought he might be gay.  But his mother likes the woman he's dating and thinks she's good for him.

It was just a weird moment for me because it sounds exactly like my story.  Walrus was in the room at the time; I don't know if he clued in, or if my mother knew how much I was cringing while she was telling it.

This is going to be another jumbled outpouring, but here goes.  My best friend recently told me I had made big strides the last three months.  This was in a discussion we had after I heard a rumour from my sister that Mom might have to sell the house, due to some continued money disputes between my divorced parents.  Moving out is the next big step in me becoming you know, a grown-up.  Nothing's happening yet; it was just a hypothetical emergency to make me wake up.

Side note:  my best friend met a man on a train while travelling in Europe and wants to move to another province to be with him.  I'll keep you updated.  Life is strange sometimes!

I am a lot happier than I was last year, or even this summer.  School was so terrible last year, but it's not bad this year, and often enjoyable.  I had a fun summer job.  I have the long-awaited boyfriend.  Somehow I don't think it's just circumstances, although I know that's easy to say that now.  But at least some of it is my personal growth, and my attitude.  I have a plan, a plan I actually set in motion during a time when I was feeling really low, and it's starting to take shape.  I've found the kind of work I want to be doing and am impatient to be doing it.  Only a few more months of school, and then look out world! I really worked hard to get contacts in the field I want to get into and I've met some amazing people.  I've said yes to invites and taken chances when coincidence or fate threw something unexpected my way.  I'm still working on overcoming shyness, but strides there too.

I'm not going to lie- it feels nice to finally have a boyfriend and to do the things everybody else takes for granted.  At first holding hands and kissing freaked me out and now- well, never mind that!  (For the record, we haven't had a chance to have sex again yet.)  In a blushing and confused attempt to educate myself, I've been reading Cosmopolitan online for sex tips.  Women's Health magazine has some blunt ones as well.
I've been trying to buy pretty underwear for the first time.  I'm dressing up a bit more, paying some attention to how I look, even wearing a bit of makeup.  I wish I'd done this stuff a long time ago.  I think I would have been readier to have a relationship.  I've been a bit of a prude my whole life.  Maybe I had to be so I didn't go crazy.  The prudishness is dropping away very quickly.

I don't know if I'm qualified to give advice based on my expertise of a relationship of two whole months, but I know what has helped and what I regret.  It took me so long to realize I was in charge of my own life.



Saturday 12 November 2011

Muddling On

I said I love him, but do I?  I certainly don't love his stroke.
I worry that I 'love' being in a relationship for the first time, 'love' being adored...taking love more than I'm giving it.  Yet, I go out of my way to do things for him, and endlessly fuss about him...I help him put his jacket on and do up his buttons, because his frozen hand can't do it very quickly.  I drive him hither and thither.  I'm there- isn't that what counts?

This blog has over 1,000 pages views now.  I can't believe it!
The story has changed drastically since I started, in a way I never, never NEVER saw coming.
It felt so hopeless last summer; I felt so alone, so stuck.  It seemed my inexperience was a self-fulfilling prophecy, that no one would want me because no one had wanted me before, and that my fear and skittishness would scuttle any prospects anyways.

Walrus had a stroke, and with it he lost brain cells, and the use of some body parts.  He lost a significant amount of weight.  He lost his job.  His fiancee left him, which also left him homeless.  Some friends drifted away, I imagine, although he hasn't talked about it much, and a big family issue came up this year.  Basically every aspect of the life he had built for himself was destroyed or threatened.... Everything changed.  Everything.

Then I came along.
Sometimes I wonder how he can ask someone to take on all his baggage...
He needs support.  He has nothing to give but love.
I used to worry I wasn't loved for who I was, but just for being there in a difficult time.  Then I decided I didn't care.

Maybe we are just two lonely people who needed someone.  It's certainly a weird story...
I found someone who was willing to be patient with me and my inexperience, because he needed someone to be extremely patient with him as he heals and rebuilds his life.
(I mean, he needs to sleep 12-15 hours a day!  Patience is required.)

Side note- I just found out his fiancee is a doctor.  He was going to marry a doctor!

And I have some embarrassment about introducing him to my family and friends.  I am ashamed of myself for being ashamed of him even in the tiniest way.

As hard as this is, I'm getting something out of it.  I feel happy, in a confused, frightened, frustrated kind of way.
This week he stayed the night.  No hanky-panky, just sleeping.  (We had somewhere to be early in the morning.  It made the most sense logistically or I never would have had the nerve to suggest it.  I didn't ask my mother; I just did it.)  It was so nice to wake up and have him there.




Saturday 5 November 2011

Big stuff, short post.

Sooooooo, a lot has happened since I last wrote.  I found out Walrus smokes occasionally, and I'm so grossed out by it and I've told him so.  He told me something major about his family which he's going to have to grapple with emotionally, on top of all the stroke stuff.  I told him I loved him and ummmmm....we had sex, or at least we attempted it.  It hurt me so we stopped.  I hope this is normal for the first time.  I am scared to try again.