Friday 30 March 2012

Breeders

My brother and his wife are expecting again.  Their baby is only 7 months now.  The plan was to have them close together so she can go to school and start a career.  She's only 21 now.  I'd be more enthusiastic if my brother had a better job- he won't be able to stay where he now is forever.

And yes, I'm comparing myself to her- tiny pretty and fertile.

I'm reading a book about global warming right now and I realized I believe everything they say about it.  I believe we're past a tipping point, we've wrecked the Earth and in my lifetime things are going to get a lot worse.  I kinda think the end of the world is only a few generations away...I don't want to have bring children into a doomed world...there's enough humans already
And yet day to day that seems so unreal and far away and I see my sister and brother with their new families and I want that and I wonder if it will ever happen for me...My children will be lovely, of course, and will make the world a better place...


Saturday 24 March 2012

And when do I get taken care of?

I'm feeling stressed and have no one to talk to...so I'll pour my heart out here.
Normally I call my best friend but she is not too impressed with Walrus at the moment.  If I tell her, she'll probably advise me to end it, and I'll feel like I'm weak for staying with him if I chose not to listen to her.  I already know her opinion, so I want to make sure I know my own.

The problems aren't all Walrus.

He's over at my house for the weekend.  I went to get him yesterday and he hadn't slept hardly at all the night before and had just woken up from a nap.  It took an hour to get him ready and then he basically went straight to bed when he got here.  My mom was out all day, so precious alone-time was not spent ...pleasurably.

This morning, Mom was out again early and I got up and had breakfast and puttered around and went back to join Walrus in my bed, hoping for some morning cuddles, etc.  His back hurt, so no luck there.  My dog, on the other side of the door, freaked out, howled and dramatically sighed for an hour.  You might think I'm cruel for not going to check on him, but this dog is a tyrant with his neediness.  Finally I got up and walked the dog, leaving Walrus in the house alone.  Just before I left I found that my dog had peed on the carpet, and I felt bad for not checking on him earlier.

Came back from the walk, cleaned up the pee, and went into the bathroom.  There was a puddle on the floor.  The toilet seat was up, so I think Walrus stumbled out his bed and with his bad back and his grogginess, missed his aim.
I asked him and he said the puddle was there when he went in, but I don't believe him.
So I cleaned that puddle too.

At that point I was super-cranky, alternating with feeling sorry for myself.

It just seems like there's so much for me to take care of.  Mom, dog, Walrus, house, siblings' children. When do I get to take care of me?  And when do I get taken care of?

My mom went to court to try and get money from my dad and it didn't go her way, and now she's exhausted.  She's not working at the moment, and she doesn't do anything around the house so I don't know what she does with her time.  She does babysit my sister's kid a lot.  I'm worried about Mom- what kind of work will she find to do?  Her doctor says her health is not good enough to work.  She was back in school to do a Master's, but taking her sweet time about it, and now my dad cut off the money he used to send (the divorce agreement was that he'd support her for life.  That lasted five years.)

I want her to sell the house and downsize.  But my dog is a barky moron and couldn't live in an apartment.  Whatever manners and training he had have been completely eroded by my mom spoiling him.

My goal is to get a job and move out.  I'd like to get back into the habit of drawing, exercising, seeing friends, living!  What if Walrus (and my family) are getting in the way of that?  I don't want to be sacrificed in the name of duty.

Just a few more weeks of internship...just a few more weeks of smiling when all the crummy jobs are dumped on me.  I'm so broke I'm worried about every penny- can't buy a snack let alone see a movie...and Walrus doesn't seem to get it.  He does, he's worried about money, but in the moment he happily spends and forgets the big picture.

What am I getting out of this?  It's like dating my dog- sure he loves me, but he can't do anything for himself, and he pees on the floor.

Can I have a nervous breakdown now?


Tuesday 20 March 2012

Did he really say that?

I still haven't seen Walrus since I paid his cell phone bill.
Yesterday going home on the bus after work we had a 'how was your day?' conversation (all through texting) and I said I couldn't wait to get home and get my pjs on.
He said, "Is it still shark week?  Is that over yet?"
Now, I only knew what that phrase meant because I happened to read it in a Dan Savage column a few weeks ago.  I thought to myself- this isn't going to go anywhere good.
"Almost.  Thanks for asking"
"Hm.  I find shark week to be tedious."
Long pause.
"Well poor you."

I.  was.  livid.

That is offensive in so many ways.
He finds it tedious when I menstruate.
First of all, I've had trouble with irregular cycles and I am mighty pleased when I menstruate normally.
He essentially told me I was tedious 25% of the time.
And that he thinks we fought because I was emotional, hysterical.
Not his fault at all.  

Sunday 18 March 2012

Crisis?

Well I am still pretty hurt by yesterday's fight.  He was pretty rude to me and I have been near tears ever since. He said he was a grown-up and I was talking to him like a child.  He certainly wasn't acting like a man.
I sent a late night email to my best friend and she phoned this morning long distance and she was just livid.  She said I shouldn't be paying for his stuff, and he shouldn't bite the hand that feeds him.  He accepts favours from me, and he should be grateful I've been so supportive...
She asked what I was getting out of it.  She liked him when he was affectionate, doting...now he's hurting me. She thinks I should dump him- that at this point I've stuck around long enough so that it's clear to everyone, and to myself that it's not because of the stroke, it's because it's not working with our personalities.
It was only one day, and it was so out of character for him, so I don't know if I'll go so far as to dump him, but I have to speak up and it's going to suck.
He has no idea.  He's slept all day and is out running errands.  I don't know if I'll see him today.

Saturday 17 March 2012

Up and down and down some more

Went to a meeting with all Walrus' medical staff and they said he was doing great, really positive, working on goals, and could be independent in six months.  I was so happy.  I felt like I was really helping him.  I was so proud, of him, of me.  It felt good to see the whole team that works with him.
The next day he was withdrawn and grumpy and it came out that he couldn't pay his cell phone bill.  He had some money in the fall and I thought he put aside money for his phone then.  Apparently not.
So things were worse in the financial department than I suspected.
I don't blame him for indulging himself in some treats, but ....but but but.  He needs to be able to control his impulses.  I'm someone who seems to enjoying depriving myself of things and seeing what I can do without.
I'm not sure if he's always been careless with money or if it's the stroke at work.  He doesn't always think of the consequences of his actions in the moment, although he can if you stop him and make him think it through.
I paid the phone bill.  And I gave him a little lecture but pretty gently, I thought.
Today we've had a little fight.  I was annoyed he didn't tell me his plans to go out with his family, which messed up my day, and he got quite angry and said he didn't need a lecture and that I was talking down to him.
Trying to talk about the issue a few hours later just blew up even further.  We changed the subject but I will try to approach the issue again tomorrow.  He's obviously sensitive about something.

Monday 5 March 2012

Just so tired...

My life doesn't seem real, sometimes.

This is probably going to be a rant, about nothing new.
I've just had a bout of stomach flu and am taking the day off work.  It's been miserable.
My best friend has moved north to be with a man she met on a train.
At her going away dinner, Walrus tried to settle his bill by debit and his card was declined.  I paid for his with cash.  I was annoyed, disappointed.  I am not really facing the fact that I am terrified that he can't look after himself.  Who else would put up with this stuff except me, the 30 year old virgin?
Although when I started dating him my sister said, "If you'd been dating him before the stroke, would you stick with him?" and I said "Yes, of course."  She said, "Then you might as well start with the hard times.  No relationship is easy."
He's a good person. He just needs extreme patience and support right now.  When I was sick I ached all over, and even simple things were difficult.  I realized that must be what it's like for him ALL THE TIME, and he doesn't complain.
I can't wait for internship to be over.  I hope someone hires me.  I hope to move out this summer.  My life can start.  Because that big change is ahead of me, I feel frozen in other things.  But there's so much I could be doing to move forward and prepare for that.  Months!  Just months away if I make it happen.
I realized that I feel very stressed about doing a good job at this internship and it's really starting to exhaust me. All the feedback has been positive so far so I don't know why I'm so insecure.  I am insecure about a lot of things.  Is that the cause or the result of how I've lived my life so far?  Not having a boyfriend my whole life seemed unreal.  I felt normal, so why wasn't I normal in that department?
And now this painful sex thing is stressing me out.  It's so unfair!  Did I develop a fear of sex somewhere along the way?  I have always been a bit prudish.  I never get to be alone with Walrus anyways since either of us has our own place so I don't know how we're going to work on it.
I worry I'm not taking care of myself, my diet, exercise, art-making, even cleaning my house.  I work, I commute, and I try and spend time with Walrus.  When I'm not doing those things, I'm exhausted.  I do easy mindless things. TV.  Online jigsaw puzzles. I've beat 'Plants Versus Zombies' twice, won every trophy and I still keep playing it.
I've lost touch with friends too it seems.  There's just no time.
And then I've been increasingly disappointed in what I see going around me.  I'm very cynical.  My city has a reputation for being cold, and everyday I take the bus I see such selfishness, such rudeness from other bus riders and drivers.  Nobody seems to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
Walrus told me he was in the grocery store buying two pieces of fruit and somebody told him he shouldn't be there and he was holding up the line.  How heartless is that?  He's had a stroke!  He has a right to buy his groceries same as anybody else.
And then there's bigger issues I'm concerned about- the Canadian government is EVIL right now, and the environment....I'm very idealistic and I want to use that to do something good, rather than have my heart broken by all the problems I see in the world.
So, I just need to work on my health, job, independence, relationships, artistic practice, sex life, community involvement....no problem.