Wednesday 30 May 2012

Tidbits

1. Got another job interview next week.  Wish me luck.

2. Walrus' ex is now dating again.  (Why did I decide to facebook-stalk?  Why doesn't she have privacy settings on her page?  I'm not going to be the one to tell him.)

3.  Walrus is feeling really frustrated with his lack of independence, and tried to talk to me about it last night but I said the wrong things and he was rude to me.  He expressed a wish for a 'night of fun' and not having the group-home staff phoning to check on him.  I got a bit weird because 'a night of fun' sounded like something I wouldn't like--something involving drinking.
Also, I felt like he was saying I wasn't fun.  My best friend always says everyone has their 'buttons'- things that they're sensitive about, and often irrational.  For me, not being a drinker has felt like a social handicap since I was a teenager.... Anyways, his night of fun meant just a backyard BBQ with a bottle of beer.  The more important part was that he doesn't feel free to come and go as he likes.  We talked it out and it's fine now.

4.  I bought a toy.  You know, a toy.  Dragged Walrus down to the shop with me.  It's a Lelo LIV.  It was not cheap!  I had already looked online because I knew I'd be flustered or overwhelmed in the store if I didn't prep myself.  I just needed to see how big they looked in real life.

4a.  On the way home, I asked Walrus when we were going to try it out and he didn't answer.

4b.  Later that night it was bothering me and so I started a texting conversation.  I opened with, 'So, how's your sex drive these days?'  We actually had a good conversation, even if it was typed.  I got to say that I was frustrated and feeling lost and worried he was losing interest.  He said he'd do whatever was necessary.  He said I should have fun with the toy and figure out what my body wants and then I can teach him.  He said all the right things really.  I still feel like he's too tired to think about sex much these days though, and I really need him to initiate things sometimes.  I didn't say that outright.

4c.  Later later that night I tried the thing.  It feels interesting, pleasant to very good, but I wasn't in ecstasy or anything.  The experimentation will have to continue.

4d.  I am weirded out that I own this object.

Sunday 27 May 2012

What people want in a partner

Found this today, my dear readers, and thought you might be amused.  Are we getting shallower? 
 Source:  http://generationwtf.com/quizzes/mate-preference/
Sorry about the green stripes.  I don't know how to get rid of them.


2008 Ranking by Men

  1. Mutual attraction and love
  2. Dependable character
  3. Emotional stability and maturity
  4. Education and intelligence
  5. Pleasing disposition
  6. Sociability
  7. Good health
  8. Good looks
  9. Desire for home and children
  10. Ambition and industriousness
  11. Refinement, neatness
  12. Good financial prospect
  13. Good cook and housekeeper
  14. Similar educational background
  15. Favorable social status or rating
  16. Similar religious background
  17. Similar political background
  18. Chastity

2008 Ranking by Women

  1. Mutual attraction and love
  2. Dependable character
  3. Emotional stability and maturity
  4. Desire for home and children
  5. Education and intelligence
  6. Sociability
  7. Pleasing disposition
  8. Ambition and industriousness
  9. Good health
  10. Good financial prospect
  11. Similar educational background
  12. Good looks
  13. Refinement, neatness
  14. Similar religious background
  15. Good cook and housekeeper
  16. Favorable social status or rating
  17. Similar political background
  18. Chastity

1939 Ranking by Men

  1. Dependable character
  2. Emotional stability and maturity
  3. Pleasing disposition
  4. Mutual attraction and love
  5. Good health
  6. Desire for home and children
  7. Refinement, neatness
  8. Good cook and housekeeper
  9. Ambition and industriousness
  10. Chastity
  11. Education and intelligence
  12. Sociability
  13. Similar religious background
  14. Good looks
  15. Similar educational background
  16. Favorable social status or rating
  17. Good financial prospect
  18. Similar political background

1939 Ranking by Women

  1. Emotional stability and maturity
  2. Dependable character
  3. Ambition and industriousness
  4. Pleasing disposition
  5. Mutual attraction and love
  6. Good health
  7. Desire for home and children
  8. Refinement, neatness
  9. Education and intelligence
  10. Chastity
  11. Sociability
  12. Similar educational background
  13. Good financial prospect
  14. Similar religious background
  15. Favorable social status or rating
  16. Good cook and housekeeper
  17. Good looks
  18. Similar political background

Pleasure vs. Enjoyment

This post is not about sex.  (Over 4500 hits on this blog, and the posts about sex get about ten times as many views!)

I'm posting a lot lately.  Maybe I'm at a crossroads or something.  I'm not working, for one thing, and I'm wondering if I should stay with Walrus.  Between him and the situation with my father, I'm thinking a lot these days about my values and what I want to do with my life.  Sorry if these posts are boring.

(At some point I crossed a line blogging about Walrus that I wasn't going to.  I might have to revisit this issue and decide what the boundaries are.)

Ok.  The point.   I'm getting to it.

In school, an instructor asked us was was enjoyable.
"Candy!"
"Napping!"
"Listening to music!"

Then he asked us about stress.  Our suggestions were all relaxing activities.
Could stressful or painful activities be enjoyable?

"Of course not!"

"I'm a hiker," he said.  "Favourite thing in the world.  Nothing brings me greater joy.  But I get tired, hungry, sunburnt, chased by bears...."

(Sorry for the cheesy writing.  At the time it was like a little lightbulb going on in my head.)

He talked about the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist who wrote a book called Flow.
Humans are programmed for two things.  One is to take care of our needs, eating and sleeping, and to conserve our valuable energy when we've met them.  So we like to be comfortable, to relax, to eat, to watch TV.   We're also programmed to try new things, to experiment and to take risks.  If we kept to the same routine, we'd never learn, and our species would never have evolved.  He calls the first instinct pleasure, and the second enjoyment.  


Enjoyment comes from challenging ourselves to learn new skills or take a risk.  It could be drawing, or running or even doing surgery!  There's this moment when the challenges of the situation are just a tiny bit more demanding than your skills- and that's when you experience flow.  If it was easier, you'd be bored, and if it was harder, you'd be overwhelmed.  But when it takes everything you've got, you lose track of time, of everything around you and just focus on the challenge.  That's why some people love their jobs, or devote their lives to their amateur pursuits.


Ever been caught up in a good book?  It's that.


So, we're happier when we chose to do challenging activities than when we watch TV.  Most of us know it, but we still chose the easy stuff when we're tired.  


I've been trying to draw more.  I know it makes me happy.  But it's also painful to get back into it, and I put it off.  In general, I try and challenge myself in different areas of life.


Walrus is a pleasure seeker.  He likes to eat and drink. He's watching a lot of TV right now.  I don't think he's happy and I've been trying to tell him he needs to challenge himself.  He's not even reading right now.  I don't know what he was like before the stroke.  I think he used to do more, but drifted into taking the easy route.  I don't know.  He's really tired right now, so I don't blame him for turning off the TV, but he's bored.


(Aside: flow also seems to happen from putting your body on the line.  Like driving dangerously.  So don't do that.)


Anyways.  I'm writing about this because I came across an article by Czik....Csiksi....oh whatever his name is, in a book I was reading about consumerism, and I felt like I needed to be reminded that pleasure only gets you so far.  I want to challenge myself and see what I can do.  Nobody on their death bed wishes they watched more TV.   


I have the TV on right now.  I hate being home alone.


On another tangent- I wonder if one could achieve dating flow.  It's easier to recognize flow in a solitary task, but Csikwhatshisname says it can also happen when interacting with other people.  But imagine being out with a new person and giving them all your attention and being not sure what they're going to do or say, but it seems to be going well.  It's challenging and you're stressed but also excited....and alive.


Oh.  Home alone nights are fun....

Walrus.  Walrus. Walrus.  What am I going to do?

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Afterthought

I just posted but---what if dating Walrus is some sort of moral project I've come up with for myself?  I think that's almost how it started.  I didn't want to reject him because of the stroke and now I'm in pretty deep.

What am I getting out of it?
At the moment, it feels like not as much as I'm putting in...but that's not the issue.
I've seen it discussed on the incel forums- should you date someone who's just okay so that you can get some experience?  The consensus on the forum is a strong NO! I don't want to use Walrus like that, and if I was, can I justify it by all that I do for him?

It's hard to tell if we want to be together to be together or to be together because it's better than being alone.

Ugh.  Can't process this....

Moral quandaries.

Nice girls finish last

My mom and I were talking today about my father.  She said he can't help the way he is.  He doesn't know he's being unethical because he has no sense of right and wrong.  She said he models himself on people he admires, and people who get ahead look out for themselves, any way they can.  So he's sneaky, but he doesn't see it as such.
I don't know how you can claim to be broke and then go to Mexico and not see anything wrong with that, but apparently my father's mind works that way.

Then Mom and I started talking about people who get ahead in the workplace by being popular , looking busy, smoozing, or making other people look bad.

And I felt so frustrated and downhearted.  It seems like good people get nothing but heartache for doing the right thing.

Think about it.  Doing the wrong thing is usually instantly rewarding.  Make it someone else's problem!  Litter.  Run red lights.  Buy cheap goods made by child labour.
We're selfish and we're getting more selfish each generation.
If we were civilized we'd go out of our way to help each other.

I try to do the right thing.  In fact, I might be overly moral.  I can't just dislike something; I have to disapprove of it as well.  It's can't be that I just personally don't like watching hockey (I live in Canada- hockey is everywhere), I have to be disgusted by all the money, hoopla, and energy that goes into a little piece of rubber sliding around on some ice.
Every product you want to buy, I've got a reason to boycott it.
Wanna go out for a drive?  It pollutes.  Want to see a movie?  Hollywood movies are crass and lowbrow and the movie industry is ridiculously wasteful.  It goes on and on like that.  I'm really no fun.  I'm extremely righteous and judgmental too.

I don't want to be like that.  But I have high standards for myself and I meet so few people who demand the same of themselves.

Walrus, I suspect, is not quite meeting my standards.  I am giving a great deal of leeway since he's had a stroke and is changing his life.  He's very good about bus etiquette and being thoughtful- but on his bad days I've seen him take out his frustrations on others and I suspect he enjoys telling people off rudely just for the fun of it.  (He calls this being honest.  Thinks it shows integrity.  I think diplomacy sometimes gets you further and doesn't compromise integrity.)

I'm someone who gets overlooked a lot and I've never understood what I'm doing wrong.  I don't promote myself, and I won't hurt others to get ahead.  I don't want others to clean up after me.  I don't want cheap goods if someone else is paying the real cost.

Anyways, I'm not sure of the point of this rant, other than that I know this:  I want to look up to my boyfriend/partner and feel sure that he is a good man.



Sunday 20 May 2012

Meaningful 2

Walrus' parents took him shopping today.  They must have gone to every big box store you can name.  Now he's exhausted and I'm grumpy since I don't get to see him.  Why do they think he needs to come on these errands?

Anyways, since I'm on my own tonight, I'm going to get philosophical.
I had to research a 'leader' for school and I chose Viktor Frankl.  If you've read '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' you'll know who he is.  He was a brain surgeon in Vienna before he was sent to a concentration camp in 1942.  He spent the next four years in concentration camps.  He worked as a doctor in the camps, and organized a suicide watch to keep an eye on fellow prisoners.   He developed a new theory on human behavior and wrote a manuscript about it on scraps of paper.  He gave lectures on his new theory to imaginary audiences.  Basically, he decided that even in the most terrible circumstances, no one could control his thoughts, or take away his ability to choose his response.  There's some line in 7HHEP about the prisoners being more free than the guards...

I should explain that I was getting fed up with everybody telling me to be positive all the time (My former best friend told me I was too negative and ended our friendship.  At the time I had bronchitis and was preparing a slideshow for the memorial service for a friend.  This is a subject I take very personally)  I think our culture believes in positive thinking to the point where sad people get blamed for being sad, for being weak...
We're not allowed to be sad, ever.  Maybe for grieving, for a little while.
Here's the video about it, says it better than I can.
http://vimeo.com/13676989

Sometimes you're sad because life sucks.  That simple.

I think for me, positive thinking didn't work, because I couldn't wish my problems away, but putting myself in charge did.  I could recognize that I was in a bad situation, and decide how I was going to react.

I repeat, I put my self in charge of my own life.  Took me so long to figure that one out, and I sometimes need to remind myself.
Funny thing, my mom's said it to me my whole life: "You can't control others' behavior.  You can only control yourself."

So, Viktor Frankl.  I read his book Man's Search for Meaning and it had quite an impact on me.  I recommend it, but here's the short version:

He was also a  psychiatrist, and his theory is that people aren't unhappy because of repressed childhood traumas or whatever Freud's thing is, but because they don't have meaning in their life RIGHT NOW.


Viktor Frankl’s Guide to Finding Meaning in Life
1. Creating a work or doing a deed.

2. Experiencing something [nature, culture]

      or encountering someone [love]

3. By the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering


So simple.  People want to work, to love somebody and to appreciate beauty.   Some people focus on just one, some people need all of those.

And then there's number three, and this is where a lot of self-help books don't go.  If you have to suffer, do it with as much courage and dignity as you can.  If you can find a reason to go on living, you probably understand more about life than any of us.  Look at my friend George with his brain tumour.
We're all going to die, or lose somebody close to us.  We're all going to suffer.
And I needed to hear that sometimes things are going to suck, and if happiness seems far away, that doesn't mean life is pointless.

I am not saying that if you've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), then you should suffer in quiet dignity.  I don't think that at all. (Nor am I comparing it to being in a concentration camp....)

I was depressed a few years ago.  I went to counselling.  It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure she told me anything new, but I really just needed someone to talk to.  Maybe I'll write another post on what we talked about.

I cried so many tears about my lack of romance- the worst kind of wretched hopeless crying. I was convinced there was something wrong with me but I couldn't see what it was.  So that only made it worse- I seemed nice enough to myself, but obviously everybody else saw something different, something flawed and I would never be able to work on changing myself because I didn't know what the problem was.... It broke my heart.  More than just being alone.  I started to doubt myself, dislike myself.

Maybe I shouldn't give advice.  But I think it's okay to be sad about it.  I'm still sad for the things I've missed out on, the fun I could have had, and the mistakes I should have made already....

I think all you can do is make sure you have meaning in your life, work on making your life the way you want, find a cause you believe in and advocate for it....

Meanwhile,  you are still going to be sad, but I think you can put limits on it. Did you ever feel jealous of happy couples?  I have, and I don't want to begrudge other people their happiness.

I don't think you should keep your sadness to yourself all the time so as not to burden people; I think you should take care of yourself and talk about it to a sympathetic ear if you have someone you trust.  Or blog it to the world!

Anyways, I'll get off my high horse now.  Date stroke patients!  Barrel of laughs!
If you're depressed you should seek help.  I don't regret going to counselling- it helped me a lot.  But I had to fight depression myself; she just coached me through it.  Once you decide to be in control of your emotions, set goals, take chances...you're on your way out of it.




Saturday 19 May 2012

Meaningful

Walrus and I are in a community choir- it's amazing, we love it, and the people are quirky and kind...
At the last practice, we were invited to go grab a bite by another choir member, George.  George has been living with an inoperable brain tumour for the last ten years.  We hesitated to accept the invite, simply because we're so tight on money, but I felt like it was important to say yes.  George talked about how the brain tumour has affected his movement, his balance.  He has occasional seizures.  His hand is starting to be paralyzed.  The tumour can't be removed without damaging his ability to control his movement.  He spoke of how hard it was to live on the disability pension the government provide.  He previously had a very successful career and owned his own place, and was still struggling, dwindling away his savings.
Walrus told his story, the day of the stroke, how his life has changed...He said he was used to a comfortable income and that the (spending) habits of that lifestyle are hard to change, but he's trying.  ( It softened me up, hearing him say that.)
Walrus looked at the drinks menu just for fun, and commented on what looked good, and George was shocked he was still drinking.  Then George told us that around five years ago he was drinking very heavily while undergoing chemotherapy.  He's now given it up completely and is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He's really changed his whole life- gave up smoking too, and does yoga and tai chi and volunteers and is in choir.  He seeks out positive experiences, and tries to connect with people.

I was really affected by this talk.  It was always at the back of my mind- brain tumours don't get better.  Walrus' stroke was sudden, and changed his life, but he can recover and rebuild.  George has been in a slow, slow decline, and he didn't explicitly say it, but I think it will only get worse for him.

I don't think all of this sunk in for the Walrus.  I hope he saw how George was able to stay positive.  The stroke is always present in his life and our relationship, but I think Walrus needs to move beyond feeling sorry for himself.

He's been feeling really frustrated with the group home lately, wants to be on his own, living his life his way.  I understand that, but it's only a few more months, and he could be practicing the habits and skills he'll need to live alone while he waits.  He has a considerable amount of freedom now.  Really he's just frustrated with the stroke.
I tried to talk to him about meaningful activities.  In school we had a very philosophical teacher who had us think about the purpose of life, and challenges and pleasure vs true happiness...I'll probably go into it a little bit in another post, because I found it helpful.
I know very strongly where I find meaning:  making my art, being with people I care about, and trying to help others/save the world.
I was trying to tell Walrus he should start his own projects, work on his writing, research a cause and advocate for it, volunteer.... He didn't really go for it.  We had looked at some volunteer opportunities for him but he said he'd wait for clearance from his medical team but never asked them.

Last week he was advised by ...well I forget her exact title but she's a specialized psychiatrist for brain injuries, anyways, he was advised to volunteer for a cause he believes in, as it would help give direction to his life.

And he was all for it.  It's exactly what I advised!!!  Harrumph.  But I'm really pleased.  I think it will help.

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Ok, everyone.  Primal scream time!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooga!

Feel better?

No, me neither.

I'm not depressed (I don't think) but a week ago I was thinking about my Five Year Plan and The Future and Big Things and now I feel bogged down in other people's problems! And mine too.

Where to start?

I wrote to Dad saying I was upset he claimed I cost my mom $700 a month, living with her.  I said don't blame Mom for telling me.  He wrote back "I'm sorry Mom brought you into this."  Ummmmm....that would be blaming her, would it not?
He said the lawyers came up with the number and I should not take it personally or be involved.
I actually had some doubt- wasn't sure if I had the right to be mad, I only hear Mom's side of the story, and not too much of it...maybe my father was being reasonable.
Naaaaaaah......

Saw my Walrus last night and was happy to see him in his old thrift store jacket looking so cute.  Gah!  Emotions!  Makes no sense.  We had a nice walk, talked a bit about moving to a smaller town...
He's got a big bill to pay so no candy money for him until the next disability cheque...The next month is going to suck for him.  Probably for me too...I hope I can balance being generous with being thrifty.  I don't want to be the kind of person who begrudges spending $5 or $10 on someone but I'm not sure how long this inequality can last without me resenting it.  I did, a lot, but when he said he'd have no money last month, it felt really silly to fret over small change.  I mean, we're talking under $100 here.  Oh, the life of the unemployed!
(I wish my father remembered what it was like to fret about $10.  He's been there, he just won't admit it)

Walrus bought me earrings yesterday.  As a percentage of his income, it's a hugely extravagant gift!  I don't want gifts.  (At the moment I'm trying to give up wordly possessions and consumerism, haha)

Who's next?  Walrus's family has had a hard year.  His mom just got her hours at work cut back to practically nil, and she's bored and lonely at home and is taking Walrus out to shop and run errands for hours every day.  He can't do it, tires him out, but he won't stand up to his mom and when he does say he needs a rest, she ignores it.  She's driving me nuts!

My own mother was pretty badly behaved on Mother's Day.  Everything we suggested she pooh-poohed, and wouldn't say what she wanted, and was generally passive and wishy-washy.

My brother is being somewhat annoying but I can't put my finger on it....Mostly he and his wife just do their own thing unless they need a babysitter.

Love the niece and nephew but don't want to be the babysitting aunt...

That brings me to my problems...
Still looking for a job.  Even an interview would be exciting.
Have an idea about starting a recycled art material depot for kids...I might research what it would take to get it going, would be good to know about how to start a business.  Maybe I shouldn't even talk about that yet, it's still a newborn dream.
Been working hard to do yoga every day and go to the gym with Walrus. I gave my skinny clothes to my sister and was so sad.  I will get the weight down.  I did it before!
I'm still going around being angry at bad drivers, people who won't give Walrus a seat on the bus, and people or practices I think are wasteful or eco-unfriendly.  That about covers 92% of the population.  So I'm FILLED WITH RAGE every time I leave the house.  This is why we're talking about moving to a smaller town.  I don't think I can take it anymore.

I don't think Walrus can handle the kind of lifestyle I want to live- very hippy crunchy-granola.  We'll deal with that later.  Still have to reconcile his non-recycling habits with my idea of who I thought I'd be dating...

And that's just it.  Poor old Walrus isn't anything like what I thought I'd get.  Not that I could ever get that picture into focus....I had celebrity crushes (Colin Firth!) but a real, flawed and complicated male person who would be everything to me- I had no idea what I wanted, who would like me!  I went a long time without even being interested in anyone, and I didn't seem to notice good looking guys on the street like my friends did.  I knew there was a spot to be filled, a vacancy, but I hadn't written the job description and had no candidates.  (oh gawd that's some bad writing!  but do you know what I mean?  There was me, and there was supposed to be a partner and I just went around being just me because if I thought about being half of something that wasn't there I cried.)
Well that's hard to explain.  I don't know why I never dated and sometimes I just get so mad.  Why?  Why? Is it my own fault?  (and that's impossible to face...) Or just the mysterious workings of the universe?

The point of all this is that sometimes I look at Walrus and wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who didn't have quite so much baggage, someone who really cares about the environment like I do--- a male version of me?  Is that my dream guy?

Being with Walrus is a lot of work.  It feels good to say it.  My sister did warn me all relationships are...

I have nothing to compare it with, except being alone.

And sex.  For years I wasn't sure that it wasn't all a big pretense, like Santa Claus.  People didn't really do that, did they?  And imagining me....under some guy...in the act....(blush)  I couldn't.  Heck, I've tried it and I still can't imagine it happening.
I'm determined to have a sex life.  I've decided it's my most solvable problem and I'm researching toys.
I'm going to get comfortable with my body.  It's time.









Sunday 13 May 2012

Eco-bore?

I googled 'partner won't recycle' this morning.  This is one of the first things that comes up.
I'm completely on the side of the husband.  I think her excuses are lame.
But being a nag is counter-productive.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1255237/Any-chance-I-recycle-eco-bore-husband.html


"Some couples row about money, while jealousy drives a wedge between many more - but in our house it's climate change that causes the most friction as my green stormtrooper of a husband attempts to save the world, one recycling bin at a time. 
I care about our environment, I really do. That's why I re-use jam jars, pick up litter and always take my own cloth shopping bags to the supermarket. 
But, according to my husband, Carl, I'm doing nothing like enough to help preserve the planet that our three young daughters will inherit. And, boy, does he like to go on about it.

He reckons I use the car too much, don't recycle enough, and ought to be sharing bath water with the kids. Yuk.
And he scolds me more harshly than he ever does our three-year-old if I commit the heinous crime of putting carrot peelings in the bin. 
Meanwhile, I hold my breath and pray he won't find the used-up toothpaste tube and empty shampoo bottle that I tipped in there after cleaning the bathroom. 
This time I get away with it, which feels like a small victory (pathetic, I know, but that's how it's got), and somehow softens the blow as Carl continues to grumble on at me about landfill and greenhouse gases. 
My husband would describe himself as an eco-champion, while I often tell him - to his face - that the truth is he's an eco-bore.

'Good,' he says. 'I'm proud of it; at least that means I care.' 
Carl doesn't own a car and so cycles 20 miles each way to work most days come rain or shine. 
He eschews using the dishwasher in favour of cleaning the pots in the sink because he says it saves water and electricity. And he has become so worthy that he even re-uses the plastic wrap that newspaper magazines come in in as sandwich bags. 
'When are you ever going to catch up and get eco-savvy?' he asks when I come in from the cold, take off my jumper, and turn up the central heating another notch. 
Still, at least we're far from the only British couple squabbling over the contents of their wheelie bin and how high the thermostat should be set in the front room. 
According to a new survey, the fourth biggest domestic flashpoint is how warm the house should be - this subject makes for frosty relations in one in four families.

The problem is I just can't seem to get as passionate about green issues as Carl does: I'm troubled far more by things like how I'm going to fit in cooking the kids' tea, making sure everyone's homework gets done, and holding down a full-time job, to fret about how big my carbon footprint is. 
In fact, I've recently become so fed up with my husband's banging on about climate change I've started quoting articles I've found on the internet that write off the hysteria surrounding global warming altogether. 
It didn't used to be like this. Before the cycling bug bit Carl four years ago he was no better than me. Then, what started with the odd trip to the bottle bank quickly led to the family fleet being halved and a recycling bucket plonked on the kitchen worktop. 
And it's continued to grow from there. Carl tells me that the hours he now spends in the saddle rather than behind the wheel of a car have given him a greater empathy with nature, which I get, of course I do. 
But I can't help but also wish that he was rather less vocal about it all. Instead I must put up with being chastised for using the tumble drier - pegging out might take up my energy, but darling, think what it saves in electricity. 
Yet the fact remains that, noble as so many of Carl's green ideas are, I just don't have the time. 

Meanwhile, landfill, landfill, landfill, is his new mantra. So while, in the old days, Carl and I used to cross swords over whose turn it is to put the bin out, that particular battle has taken on a whole new moral dimension: namely what's gone into said bin, and could it have been composted, recycled or even not purchased in the first place.
The other day I foolishly revealed that our refuse collectors are such a helpful bunch they've been taking extra bags of rubbish off me for years.
This cheerful admission that we, as a family, are in fact guiltier than most in contributing to landfill saw Carl apoplectic with eco-rage. 
My lax approach to recycling, he ranted, was in danger of cancelling out every planet-saving strategy he uses on a daily basis. 'Why do I bother?' he wailed. 

After he said that, I confess, I did feel bad, and promised to stop chucking things in the dustbin that I could just as easily put in the recycling bin. We have a huge one just outside our back door that the council empties for us every fortnight, so I don't really have any excuse.
It's made a big difference, so much so that we didn't even have to put our wheelie bin out to be emptied this week. My husband is thrilled, as you'd imagine. 
But I'm afraid we're still a long way off the level of domestic harmony that would be attained if I would only clamber aboard the eco-bandwagon alongside him. 

The thing is I love my steaming hot baths, especially ones that haven't been enjoyed by toddlers first. 
And I hate the way clothes go crunchy when they're dried on the line. I have no intention of chaining myself to the kitchen sink when I get precious little time away from work and domestic chores as it is.
And as for re-using magazine wrappers as sandwich bags: come on Carl, I love you dearly, but get a life. 
Still, as I pointed out to my other half in the bathroom the other morning, at least I care enough about the environment to never, ever leave the water running while I clean my teeth. 
'You're such a nag,' he wailed, through a mouthful of toothpaste, before hurriedly turning off the tap."






Saturday 12 May 2012

What a day

Drama #1
I wrote to my dad this morning.  I've been putting it off.  There was another family dinner I was not attending, so I felt it was time to explain my absence.
I wrote a very restrained email that stuck to a single issue- the claim he made in court that it cost Mom $700 a month for me to live with her.  I specifically said don't blame her for telling me about it- she needed to talk to someone after that day and she had no one else.

He wrote back 'I'm sorry Mom dragged you into this'

That's low.
HE dragged me into this when he said in a court of law I was a mooch.

The rest of the email is some nonsense about sharing values with me.
He never addresses the issue of this $700 figure and how he came up with it.

I'm so angry!  When I write back, it's going to be no holds barred.

Drama #2
Then this evening, I went to see Walrus and he was asleep and it took 45 minutes to get him up and dressed and I'm pretty sure he hadn't showered or maybe it's just his psoriasis in his ear being worse than normal, but he smelled a bit pungent.  I haven't eaten all day so I'm super tired and cranky.  We went for a walk to get me some food at the grocery store and didn't find anything but ended up at Starbucks again.  Ugh!  He can't walk by one without going in.  All his money goes to coffee and candy.  I want to go on dates- I don't mind going Dutch but I can't pay for both of us!

I felt like I couldn't even get myself dinner from a restaurant because I didn't want to feel obligated to buy him dinner too.  I often do, and I'm getting tired of it.  I can't eat at his house because the cost of his food is part of his (government-paid) rent at the group home so it's a bit weird for me to go eat at the taxpayers' expense.

Anyways, it just wasn't fun and we were on each other's nerves, and I don't really remember exactly how the tension broke but at one point I said "I don't like being this critical" and he said I was often hurtful and he said nothing because he didn't know what to say. I cried and cried.  I said I'd never been with anyone this long and didn't know how to be in a relationship (understatement!) and that people have told me I want everyone close to me to think exactly like me and I'm not very tolerant and it seems to be true....

I was just blubbering all this in that way crying people do...
He ended up comforting me, and I felt like a meanie.

But I was reading through all my old posts and I've put up with some shit I don't think other people would...
It hasn't been fun this week.  I think I have to talk to him about money or whatever is bothering me instead of being sullen and confusing him.  I have to stop starting sentences with 'I don't like'....
I don't know.  Takes two to tango.
I really have to get over this vision of myself as 'the good one'

How do I stop being critical?  I'm critical because his behavior does not match my ideal of what a boyfriend should be.

I don't know!  I don't know!  I don't know!






Thursday 10 May 2012

I hate everything

I'm a very negative person, I have to say.
I don't like any foods.  I think most books and tv and movies are crap.  LOLcats piss me off.
I think the way we live in North America is DESTROYING THE EARTH AND OUR SOULS.
So, you know, I'm a ton of fun.

I want to write about the future and positive things but first I have to get this stuff off my chest.

My mom is not working and is possibly depressed, but in any case she's not functioning that well.  I live with her.  The house is a mess; all my life we've lived in a messy messy house.  Not quite 'Hoarders' but enough that I was and am embarrassed to bring people over.  I don't know what Mom does with her time but nothing gets done.  She plays a lot of solitaire on the computer.

My father stopped paying alimony to my mother.  He sold his business and started a new one that isn't making money yet.  He said he can't afford to pay my mother.  Then he took a trip to Mexico.  His new wife doesn't work.  They drive a BMW and a Lexus.

My mother took my dad to court and lost.  The judge basically told her, "you got screwed.  That's life."  My dad claimed in a court of law that I cost my mother $700 a month, living with her, and when I moved out she'd need less money.  Seeing as how I pay for my own clothes and entertainment, and a share of the gas and groceries, I don't see how that's possible.  I don't like being used as a weapon against my mother either.

The amount Dad and New Wife claimed as their monthly expense was more money than I've ever made in a year, and I could probably live on for two.

So I'm not talking to him but he just thinks I'm too busy to respond to his calls (reports my sister and brother)
I guess I'll have to write him a letter telling him I think he's unethical and not someone respect or I look up to.

I'm still looking for a job, and not all that hard, but I'm working on getting some certifications this week and next.  Applied for two yesterday.

Attempts to have sex are going nowhere.  Walrus is not often interested in sex and he says it's all his medications and his fatigue but he used to be a lot more interested and I feel inadequate.  Last time was a complete failure and wasn't fun for either of us. I tried to ask him what he wanted and he must have been embarrassed because I didn't get any useful answers from that.  I don't really know what will make my body relax enough to make sex possible but I know we have to take it really slow.  I thought I explained how vaginismus worked and what I needed from him but obviously I have to tell him again.  I suggested we get a sex toy and he agreed.

Today Walrus went into Starbucks for a smoothie.  I don't like Starbucks simply because it's a huge chain, and I hate disposable plastic containers.  Then he threw out his plastic cup instead of making sure it got into a recycling bin and I was upset.  I've made him watch all the documentaries on zero waste and plastic pollution- he talks a good talk but he doesn't follow through in his actions.  He admitted he doesn't really care that his cup isn't going to be recycled.

It made me feel like this cause that is so important to me is just a silly mania I have and he merely humours me.  Personally I think he couldn't justify not recycling other than convenience.  Pure laziness.
I don't know if I can tolerate it.  How could I live with him?
My sister married a man who doesn't recycle and she's trained him the best she could, but he doesn't care and never will.  Garbage is garbage and who cares where it goes when it's gone.
I'm frustrated.  I want Walrus to recycle because it's important for the Earth, but he won't even do it to please me.
I'm so critical of him.  I say really negative things all day long when I'm with him.  The way he eats, the way he's wasteful, and always late, and the LOLcats he posts on facebook....
He's changing his habits.  He can't be expected to change everything at once.  But, he doesn't see anything wrong with a lot of his old habits I suspect...
I felt today he had such good principles and he's let them go so far astray.  He's not selfish in his ideas for humanity, he wants to go into politics and help people, but he'd eat all your secret candy stash if you left him alone!  He's also a bit too willing to let me pay for things.
Today I felt so far from being in love with him.  I felt like I could end it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  What am I getting out of this relationship?  What would happen to him if I broke up with him?
It's such a roller coaster- tomorrow he could be wonderful again and I'll forget all about this...And if I don't want to do it anymore, how do I break up with him?
I'm crying.  This is too much to deal with at once.


Tuesday 8 May 2012

Squabble

I was going to write about Life with a capital L because I've been thinking about big things and my own goals and values and what I've learned so far about myself and there's plenty of material there for several blog posts interesting only to myself I'm sure.  Last night Walrus and I had a deep conversation about what gives meaning to life; it was what I'd been longing for- a heart to heart and it ended with mutual 'I love you's and talk of living together.

And today we had a squabble.

It was so minor; he snapped at me once and immediately apologized but these things hurt me for days....

I was near his place (a group home for brain injuries) for an appointment this morning and we agreed I would help him with his grocery shopping and we'd cook dinner together at his home.  Then I remembered he had his weekly meeting with the staff of the house.  Right in the middle of the afternoon.  He calls them 'bullsh*t meetings' as he is supposed to set three goals for each week and he thinks this is nonsense.

I'm wandering around town getting bored wondering when this meeting is going to be over, and then I find out the start was delayed by an hour because the staff were busy.  We could have done our grocery shopping and been back in time.  I'm grumpy because the staff didn't want to let me visit until this meeting was done, and then they wasted everybody's time.  Eventually the meeting is over and I can visit Walrus.

The original plan for dinner was a roast chicken, but Walrus has twice started elaborate meals without reading the recipe to find out how long they take.  I didn't want to be eating at midnight so I protest that it's too late for this project, and I just want something quick and easy. We switch the plan to Hamburger Helper.
I tried to think of another night he could do the chicken but it wasn't going to work this week.

It's really hard to cook with him.  First of all, I should explain that I don't enjoy eating, am very picky, like things simple and plain, can't handle red meat or seafood, and try to eat healthy.  He loves food, except vegetables.  So we really don't agree there.  And then there's the brain injury.  Cooking is when it's most apparent, because he gets confused on the instructions (like not reading all the way through to find out something is supposed to be in the oven for two hours!)

He's supposed to do his grocery shopping for the week in one trip, which is tough for anyone, and I'm there making suggestions and looking for the best price.  His list isn't organized by section so we're in the meats, then the produce, then back to meats, all over the store...I think I'm being efficient and helpful by crossing things off the list and just generally being a backseat shopper.

Back at the house, I fell asleep on his bed and he made dinner on his own.  It wasn't very good, but I think it was poor quality meat that was the culprit.   We watch TV.  I try to make conversation by asking what was the best part of the day?  It had been a pretty lame day, but we had talked about finding meaning every day only the night before... He said everything about it sucked.  I said "Even me?"  He didn't answer and I had a moment of doubt but was still pretty confident that I was the greatest girlfriend ever so I said 'Too slow!' and then he said 'Yes even you.  You came here and rearranged my whole cooking schedule for the week.'

I don't say anything, and he immediately says, "Sorry, I'm just in a terrible mood today."  Then there was this weird conversation that only happened when the commercials came on and not a lot was really said.  I think he apologized again and I did, and we held hands and didn't say much and stared into space or looked concernedly at each other.

Shortly after I decided it was time to leave and I put on my shoes and he was slightly sheepish and we hugged for a long time.  I went home.  He sent me stupid texts about video games that I ignored.  He's completely over the incident and I'm sulking.

For the record, I do not like myself when I get that bossy- I don't at all- but I know what he has trouble with, and he doesn't see or can't admit to himself that he struggles, and I just try to help and go too far.
For the record, I was hoping we'd pick a recipe together but that didn't happen.  I think he picked chicken to please me, but he could have shown me the recipe.

A small incident, I suppose.  Maybe it's just a small incident.  Maybe it is a microcosm of all the bigger issues in our relationship and his struggle to accept his stroke.

It's time for bed.  I hope to write again soon about happiness and goals and the meaning of life.