Minutiae

Not much to report.  I write to clear my head.
We finished the group project for the contest...nearly killed each other but we finished.  We didn't win, but the finished product looks pretty good considering....At least it's raising money for charity.
Nothing like a group project to show you yourself in the worst light.  When working on artistic projects with non-artists, I get frustrated and let's face it, pretty bossy.
I have another big project due in two weeks and lots of little 'gigs' so I'm busy.  I can pretend I'm a professional artist (almost) making a living, at least for the next month.

Walrus:
We talk daily and see each other once or twice a week.  It was his birthday recently and I took him to a movie, as well as went to dinner at his parents'.  I sometimes feel uneasy with the friendship.  His evil ex-fiancee keeps coming up in conversation.  More examples of her selfishness were revealed.  Walrus seemed to want to talk about her, and I let him.  I get a little upset when she is mentioned.  Why did she get seven years with Walrus when I only got 10 months?  I was so much better to him than she was.  We broke up and I'm still good to him.
I asked what her good points were and he said, "Well, she was a lot of fun."  My eyes watered.  I am many good things, but I am not fun.
Then he said "But she's fat and miserable and alone, and I'm sitting....in front of an open bar."  (Between Walrus and the open bar was sitting me.  I wanted to say 'You're alone too, moron.  You had a nice girlfriend and you lost her'.  Also I suspect Evil Ex is dating again, but I wasn't going to tell him that)
More and more I look at Walrus and feel that I am not in love with him.  At the same time my hand longs to slip into his.  It's my ego, not my heart.  A little bit my heart...
The evil ex came up because Walrus' best friend is going to leave his wife.  I've met the best friend several times, the wife once.  He's a good guy, always cheerful.  Turns out the wife has been making him sleep on the floor for months.  Then we talked about other dysfunctional relationships among our friends.  This is a weird topic for exes to discuss.

Operation FML:
Well, the last week was spent working 12 hour days on this stupid contest.  Now that's it's over, I'm taking a look at what needs to be done.  I can't get caught up in these crazy deadlines and allow myself to break all the rules about healthy living.  I need to send out another bunch of resumes and clean up the mess from the project and start doing yoga in the mornings and stop eating wheat and meat!  I need to FOCUS.  I'm not getting anywhere on any of my goals and it's discouraging.  I think I have too many goals.
Also health problems continue and I'm worried.

OKC:
The out of town guy who wanted to meet and then never organized anything wrote a week later and said, 'Sorry, didn't end up coming into town after all, but will visiting in December." I wrote back something neutral, I mean I didn't try to organize a meet-up at a later date, but was open to more communication until then, and he didn't write back.
Since then, I have been talking to another guy. He has an old-fashioned name.  I didn't think any baby had been christened this name in the last 50 years.  It's like Kermit or Jasper- a name you can't take quite seriously.  (I actually like both those names but wouldn't actually name a boy either one)  OKC tells me that we are 67% compatible, 20% enemies.  I couldn't find anything in his profile that would explain why the numbers were so low  (except that he is a foodie and I won't eat anything; he likes Ayn Rand and I think she's evil),  so I wrote back.  There was some small talk and it was going nowhere.
 I must have been in a mood because I fired off 'Why did you write to me?  I don't see much that we have in common.  I hate Ayn Rand and I don't drink beer (a major part of his profile was describing his home-brewing hobby.)'  I wrote some more so it didn't sound quite so rude, but it was basically pretty rude.  He (let's call him Jasper) wrote back that he liked that I was artsy and had a sense of humour.  His basic philosophy was that OKC's numbers don't matter that much and he was willing to meet with anyone whose profile didn't scare him and see what happened.  Jasper thought different points of view made things interesting.  I said if he still wanted to meet, I was up for it, but I think I've made it awkward since I wasn't exactly welcoming his interest.

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't want to feel like I'm inventing reasons to reject people and I don't want to feel like I have to meet everyone who asks me when I'm clearly not excited about it.  I've been told I expect those closest to me to think exactly like me on political and moral issues...and even taste in music.
I've heard that it's compatible personalities that matter, not similar interests.  I read a Psychology Today article that said couples who are similar have better relationships short term, but long term, having different ways of navigating the world and learning how each others' strengths and weaknesses compliment each other  is much more successful.
My instinct is that someone who loves food and beer is going to be frustrated with me on a daily basis.  We just won't have similar ideas of fun.  I want to go vegetarian- we'd have to cook separate meals.
Maybe I won't want this forever, but at the moment I really want someone who cares about the environment, someone who is willing to carry around a metal straw and bamboo cutlery and reusable shopping bags so they don't add disposable plastic to a landfill.  A weird thing to look for as a number one quality in a man...
I just think having similar lifestyles and similar goals are necessary for a happy relationship.
But what do I know?
I'm so naive.

updates 2

Didn't get job.

Haven't heard back from out-of-town guy who's supposed to be in town today.  Guess that's off.

I was doing a group project with two other interns from that internship I did in September.  We are entered in a contest, but the girl who started the project (Helen) is fighting with her husband.  They haven't been married that long, and are talking of separation.  So understandably she's in a bad place.  She wants to keep going on the project but somehow I'm doing all the work.  The team came over to my house yesterday to work on it and they bickered until I thought Helen was going to have a meltdown.  I felt like a mother hen, breaking up fights and making sure they had enough to eat and being incredibly patient.  The deadline for the contest is next week.  I'm so stressed about this totally optional use of my time.

Helen talked a little bit about her troubles with the husband.  Her advice was to find a partner whose parents are still together because a broken family puts too much strain on your future relationships.  My parents are divorced, so I guess I'm screwed.  Then she complained that she was 26 and it would take three or four years for her to be in a stable relationship again and she wouldn't be having kids until she was 30!  
I didn't say anything.  Didn't.  Say.  Anything.

Err, sorry for too much information, but I take birth control pills for my PCOS and I'm bleeding two weeks early and I haven't missed any pills.  Do I need to see a doctor?  I think I need to see a doctor.

I woke up at 5am this morning.  Nothing is going right.

updates

Job interview went well on my part, but I have a feeling they've already picked someone else.  I was the last one to interview.  I'll find out next week...

There will be babies here tomorrow but I'm planning on going out with a friend.

Even without a job I have lots of art 'gigs' and projects at the moment and am quite busy.

The guy from out of town wants to meet me next week- he says he's coming here for four days.  I said yes.
I didn't write back to Mr. Gentrification.

Babies, babies everywhere

I complained earlier that there was too much babysitting in my life...I'm trying to draw boundaries but it's not working.   Four days out of seven, there are babies here.
Today my mom had my sister's kid in the morning, and around 3 in the afternoon he went home and my brother's two babies came.  That's 12 hours of babysitting.  My dog cannot handle 12 hours of babies in his house.  I was out most of the day, but when I came home it was madness.  The new baby cried non-stop, which set off the dog and the one-year old.  I didn't eat dinner.  I understood why people shake babies.
Last Monday was a holiday in Canada.  My sister still had to work but her husband had the day off.  He 'had stuff to do' so they asked if Mom would still take their son as usual on a Monday.  Apparently my mom and I don't have stuff to do.  I actually had an illustration to finish that was two days late and I was very stressed about it.  When the kid was napping I went to work on it.  And I had facebook open, shame on me, but I saw that brother-in-law had posted that he was making muffins on his day off!  I was so mad.  Why can't he man up and be a father to his kid?

I have to move out.  I have to move out.  I have to move out.

Other bits and bobs:
Job interview tomorrow.  Fingers crossed.

Walrus and I go on being friends.  It is what it is.

We went to a protest last weekend.  Yes, getting political!  Unfortunately, only about 30 people showed up and it fizzled out within an hour.  I mention it because a couple came near the end, and he (the male component of the couple) looked familiar.  I think he had a prolife on OKC, and even on Plenty of Fish when I tried that two years ago.  I sorta was thinking about messaging him.  However, he looked happy with his girl and I was glad he'd finally found someone.   He's not the first person I've recognized in real life from their profile.  What is the etiquette for that anyways?  Pretty sure it's best just to pretend you don't know anything about them.  I'm not really sure what the point of this story was.  Just the weirdness of internet dating is made even more apparent when you see someone that you think you recognize from three blurry photos....

There was a brief flurry of activity in the OKC world for me.  Two men wrote to me this week.  They both were the type to answer IMMEDIATELY after I wrote back.  Damn smart phones!  (I usually wait a day to respond, just as a general rule, a rule I've made up based on who-knows-what.)

One man was local, three years younger than me, fairly cute, 92% match.  Conversation wasn't amazing but it was going alright.  I was weirdly not into him being younger than me.  I mentioned that I went to some local community place for an event and he said he wouldn't go there because it was gentrifying a low-income neighbourhood.  I'm somewhat insulted and disagree on this issue (local politics....)  I haven't written back.  I'm not that interested, just not feeling it, even if he is cute.  Do I have to say 'thanks but no thanks' after three messages exchanged or do I just not answer?

Man #2 is from another nearby city...let's say 2 hours away.  He's 35 I think and an 88% match.  I put too much stock in these numbers.  Walrus was 89%, if I recall.  Anyways....the conversation is interesting and slightly weird.  He asks those conversation-starting questions that seem fake and sorta annoy me but I admit they work.  Also he said 'Just putting this out there, I was impressed that you listed [classic 50s film] first on your list of favourites.'   Why did he have to say 'just putting this out there'?  Does he know how obnoxious that phrase is?  Why is necessary to say that?  Can't he just say 'I like that film too.'  It's not a sign that we're meant to be together if we both like this old movie, FFS.  Also he described himself as a free spirit.  I read somewhere, probably on Captain Awkward, that one would do well to avoid people who describe themselves as 'quirky' or 'feisty' on dating sites.  I think 'free spirit' is high up on the list of adjectives to avoid.  I'm not sure 'free spirit' is strictly speaking an adjective.  Oh well.  I'm very tired.

I didn't really intend to blog every message I ever got from online dating, but it's been slow in that department.  It's all just so weird and makes me freak out and not want to do it.

Oh please let me get a job soon so I can start Operation FML and get away from my family and be independent and feel awesome enough to date again...

Operation FML

Introducing Operation Fix My Life.

What if I really made it my job to make something of myself?  I've been working on things, but I've sorta been farting around and doing a lot of sitting around waiting for things to happen.  I make lists, I set goals, but I never set deadlines.
But what if I worked as if my life depended on it?  Because, at this point, it does.

My sister works nights stocking shelves so she can contribute to the family income without needing to pay for daycare for her son.  My friend in the north has worked two jobs for years, sometimes doing 20 hours straight, or going for weeks without a day off.  As for me, I haven't done an all-nighter since college.  I don't let anything interfere with my 8 hours of sleep!

But, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  I'm not even working 40 hours a week on my goals, and I should be doing 60 or 70.

I can't just trickle off again.  This has got to be real.

I wrote that last week.  I haven't put it in place yet.  I got involved in an art project that I wasn't getting paid for but put in about 30 hours for anyways....And I babysat my siblings' kids four days (!) this week.  And now I have to draw the line and say no to these sorts of things.

So, little updates.
First, what do I do about babysitting?  My mom takes my sister's baby two days a week.  If I'm home, I'm expected to be involved in watching him and I can't get much done.  And my brother's wife is struggling with the two babies and they're moving this month.... I want to be a good aunt, but I have my own life to deal with.

Two, I'm addicted to a stupid computer game.  Mushroom Farm Revolution.  I must....stop....playing....

Three- some things are going well.  I have lots of projects, some I'm even getting paid for, and I'm busy.  I have a job interview next week for a part time administration position, organizing children's classes.  It would be  a pretty good match for me, it's close by, fits my schedule, and is the type of work I want to do, but I don't really have the supervisory experience they're looking for.  Fingers crossed.  And I'm finding my social life is pretty good.  I'm not dating, but I have friends that I see regularly.  After my best friend and I had that fight, I drifted away from the circle of friends we had in common.  It feels good to know that I have friends that are just mine!

Four- still not talking to my father and he's writing me sad emails.  Don't know what to do.  They aren't very convincing.

Five- Dating is not really in my plan for Operation FML's first year.  Oh wait, I haven't actually said what the goals are.  I don't want to list them in great detail, partly because that I don't want to mention the particulars of my life,  and partly because I saw a TEDtalk that said if you tell people your goals, they praise you and you're less likely to achieve your goals.

The major thing is to get a job and move out within a year.  That has to happen.

I have some goals for what I'd like to achieve with my art, and living green and other little personal goals.  I'd like to lose 5 pounds so that my Body Mass Index moves from 'Overweight' to 'Normal', for example.
But dating, I haven't thought about.  I'm tired of OKCupid, although I occasionally get messages so I will leave up my profile.  I'm not exactly telling the truth- I have thought about writing to the American guy who keeps looking at my profile.  We're supposedly a 98% match and he seems interesting.  But what would be the point of it?  He's somewhat unattainable, simply by geography, so it would be another 'all or nothing' situation if we did like each other.  (I say 'another' because I felt I couldn't casually date Walrus)

I'm trying to decide where dating fits in the priorities.  I've heard advice that says 'a boyfriend/girlfriend won't fix your life.  No one person can meet all your needs, for one thing, and some problems are just out of their realm.  You've got to work on your own sh*t so that you're ready to give to the other person as well.

However, in my case, not having a boyfriend is the problem, so I think that would solve quite a few things!  I am pondering if having a partner would help me be the best Eleanor I can be, and give me confidence to do the things I want to, or if I'd just spend all my time with him and neglect my art....

I am embarrassed that I live at home, that the house is messy, that I'm not exercising, so I think I need to be working on those things so I can hold my head up high.  So I need to proceed as if I'm going to be on my own.  If something happens in the romance department, I'm not going to say no.

I'm fine during the day.  At night I want to be held and I cry.  Somehow I don't think these feelings are going to be motivating.

Sigh.  Big sigh.

Back to the drawing board, literally!