Home alone and sick on New Year's Eve.
2013 had better be the year I finally get laid.
Monday 31 December 2012
Sunday 30 December 2012
Jumblies
I just started crying watching the wedding scene in 'Muppets Take Manhattan'. The lyrics are 'She only knows he'll make her happy.' <Sniff, sniff. bursts into tears> I guess part of me DOES want to get married. To Kermit the Frog, my dream guy!
I hope everyone had happy holidays. My Christmas was overall pretty quiet. I have some kind of a flu that doesn't look like much- I'm not coughing or sneezing. I'm just head-achy and need to sleep a lot. I'm getting bored from being home so much, but if I try to do things I feel weak.
Small Christmas incident. My mom still does stocking stuffers for her kids and now their spouses. I got two chocolate Santas in my stocking and wondered if I'd accidentally gotten someone else's. No, apparently they came in packs of six. "And you won't get stuff from your partner and your siblings do, so I gave you the extra." Thanks, mom. Thanks for reminding me.
I've seen Walrus twice. We went out for sushi and I went to his parents' open house. It's still the same story. There's still touching, just at the edge of what's considered platonic. At times I look at him and feel a rush of affection, and sometimes it's almost an aversion. He got me a nice Christmas present, although I suspect his mother had a lot to do with it.
I told my friend in the north about the situation; I was afraid to because she got so angry at him when we broke up. She was pretty calm, but she said, "He's convenient and he's the devil you know. How much is that part of the appeal?" She also said the problem with "friends with benefits" is that sex releases chemicals to make you like your partner more- so that you'll be a mating pair if there are offspring.
Alright, alright. I never said it was a good idea. Besides, it's not going to happen. Much better to put effort into finding the real thing.
Since I'm pretty much couch-bound with this flu, I've been thinking about my New Year's resolutions/life goals.
I read this book called 'Making a Living While Making a Difference' and there were two things I took from it. It said that small changes in your routine can make a big difference to everything in your life. A new job changes the people you're surrounded with, your daily rhythm, where you go and what you see....
I thought about choir and what a difference it made in just a year, and only 90 minutes a week. And some of my volunteering things that I've stuck with have brought me new friends and new skills and new opportunities.
So that really cheered me up. I could probably fit in another club or activity into my schedule and reap the benefits. Way better than time spent on Pinterest!
The other thing it suggested was to gather together people who know you and who do work you admire. Have them look at your resume, where you've applied, the skills you have, etc. They as a group can offer suggestions about how to get you doing the work you want to be doing. I'm not sure if I know people who would want to come to a meeting like that for me, (and my house is so messy!) but I can start asking people for their opinions and advice individually. (And for dating advice, I have this blog!)
I hesitate so much. I really like to think through my ideas and then tell someone. I kinda need someone to tell me, "Yeah, go do that. Go be awesome."
My dreams are getting so small. Get a job that's not horrible. Move out. Date. Those aren't dreams! Those are the basic stuff of life. But they seem so unreachable at times that anything bigger seems impossible.
Here's the thing. I'm sorta interested in cob building and started looking around for some workshops in my area. I found a really hippie place about two hours away that offers a 2 or 4 month internship in the summer. It's not really an internship, since you have to pay, but you live on site and construct a small building, learn about composting toilets and building code and a whole bunch of technical stuff. If you do the longer internship you actually become a certified builder, although I'd have to look into it more to know what that really means in the real world.
It's really caught hold of my imagination. I want to live sustainably- why not go all out? Why not do something adventurous, something to really get me out of my rut, out of my comfort zone. I'm an artist and I might be really good at it, since the shapes are organic and often decorated with bas-relief sculpture.
The cost: $3500-$4200. Yikes. I could travel for that, I could volunteer in Africa. I do have that much money in savings, but is that a responsible thing to do at this point in my life? I can only gamble on the potential benefits...I don't know if I'd get a chance to use these skills in the urban area I live in, even though there is a growing interest even here.
If I stay here I'd probably end up teaching art at a kids' summer camp. I've done my share of those! But it's income earned, instead of savings spent. But maybe there wouldn't be a better time for me to do this, I have no apartment to sublet, no strings of any kind except for my dog.
Partly it's the practical considerations and partly it's the hippyness of it. I have never been able to go very far outside the mainstream, and I'm an artist! People expect artists to be larger than life; it's part of what they give them money for.
I don't have to decide yet. It's close enough that I can visit the place for a weekend and see if I can picture myself there all summer.
There were so many more resolutions and goals for this year I won't go into...but since this is sorta a dating blog, my general philosophy about dating is that I should work on creating my life the way I want, and being the real cool person I want to be. If a concern for the environment is pretty high on my list of 'Musts' for my potential life partner, then I'm going to volunteer with environmental groups so I meet these types of people. They don't seem to be on OKCupid! Internet dating is fine, I'm not going to delete my profile, but I'd rather put it on hold for a while. Maybe in a few months (when there's new fish in the pond) I'll make an effort to contact 5 people, or ask my friends to set me up, or whatever I need to do to start dating. I'm obviously thinking about it day and night so maybe I won't last that long, but meanwhile time is passing and I'm moping around not working.
I hope everyone had happy holidays. My Christmas was overall pretty quiet. I have some kind of a flu that doesn't look like much- I'm not coughing or sneezing. I'm just head-achy and need to sleep a lot. I'm getting bored from being home so much, but if I try to do things I feel weak.
Small Christmas incident. My mom still does stocking stuffers for her kids and now their spouses. I got two chocolate Santas in my stocking and wondered if I'd accidentally gotten someone else's. No, apparently they came in packs of six. "And you won't get stuff from your partner and your siblings do, so I gave you the extra." Thanks, mom. Thanks for reminding me.
I've seen Walrus twice. We went out for sushi and I went to his parents' open house. It's still the same story. There's still touching, just at the edge of what's considered platonic. At times I look at him and feel a rush of affection, and sometimes it's almost an aversion. He got me a nice Christmas present, although I suspect his mother had a lot to do with it.
I told my friend in the north about the situation; I was afraid to because she got so angry at him when we broke up. She was pretty calm, but she said, "He's convenient and he's the devil you know. How much is that part of the appeal?" She also said the problem with "friends with benefits" is that sex releases chemicals to make you like your partner more- so that you'll be a mating pair if there are offspring.
Alright, alright. I never said it was a good idea. Besides, it's not going to happen. Much better to put effort into finding the real thing.
Since I'm pretty much couch-bound with this flu, I've been thinking about my New Year's resolutions/life goals.
I read this book called 'Making a Living While Making a Difference' and there were two things I took from it. It said that small changes in your routine can make a big difference to everything in your life. A new job changes the people you're surrounded with, your daily rhythm, where you go and what you see....
I thought about choir and what a difference it made in just a year, and only 90 minutes a week. And some of my volunteering things that I've stuck with have brought me new friends and new skills and new opportunities.
So that really cheered me up. I could probably fit in another club or activity into my schedule and reap the benefits. Way better than time spent on Pinterest!
The other thing it suggested was to gather together people who know you and who do work you admire. Have them look at your resume, where you've applied, the skills you have, etc. They as a group can offer suggestions about how to get you doing the work you want to be doing. I'm not sure if I know people who would want to come to a meeting like that for me, (and my house is so messy!) but I can start asking people for their opinions and advice individually. (And for dating advice, I have this blog!)
I hesitate so much. I really like to think through my ideas and then tell someone. I kinda need someone to tell me, "Yeah, go do that. Go be awesome."
My dreams are getting so small. Get a job that's not horrible. Move out. Date. Those aren't dreams! Those are the basic stuff of life. But they seem so unreachable at times that anything bigger seems impossible.
Here's the thing. I'm sorta interested in cob building and started looking around for some workshops in my area. I found a really hippie place about two hours away that offers a 2 or 4 month internship in the summer. It's not really an internship, since you have to pay, but you live on site and construct a small building, learn about composting toilets and building code and a whole bunch of technical stuff. If you do the longer internship you actually become a certified builder, although I'd have to look into it more to know what that really means in the real world.
It's really caught hold of my imagination. I want to live sustainably- why not go all out? Why not do something adventurous, something to really get me out of my rut, out of my comfort zone. I'm an artist and I might be really good at it, since the shapes are organic and often decorated with bas-relief sculpture.
The cost: $3500-$4200. Yikes. I could travel for that, I could volunteer in Africa. I do have that much money in savings, but is that a responsible thing to do at this point in my life? I can only gamble on the potential benefits...I don't know if I'd get a chance to use these skills in the urban area I live in, even though there is a growing interest even here.
If I stay here I'd probably end up teaching art at a kids' summer camp. I've done my share of those! But it's income earned, instead of savings spent. But maybe there wouldn't be a better time for me to do this, I have no apartment to sublet, no strings of any kind except for my dog.
Partly it's the practical considerations and partly it's the hippyness of it. I have never been able to go very far outside the mainstream, and I'm an artist! People expect artists to be larger than life; it's part of what they give them money for.
I don't have to decide yet. It's close enough that I can visit the place for a weekend and see if I can picture myself there all summer.
There were so many more resolutions and goals for this year I won't go into...but since this is sorta a dating blog, my general philosophy about dating is that I should work on creating my life the way I want, and being the real cool person I want to be. If a concern for the environment is pretty high on my list of 'Musts' for my potential life partner, then I'm going to volunteer with environmental groups so I meet these types of people. They don't seem to be on OKCupid! Internet dating is fine, I'm not going to delete my profile, but I'd rather put it on hold for a while. Maybe in a few months (when there's new fish in the pond) I'll make an effort to contact 5 people, or ask my friends to set me up, or whatever I need to do to start dating. I'm obviously thinking about it day and night so maybe I won't last that long, but meanwhile time is passing and I'm moping around not working.
Monday 24 December 2012
Wrong Again
Last night there was a long (texting, always bloody texting) conversation with Walrus about theology, our families, and life as a medieval peasant, among other things. It was almost midnight and I decided to broach the question.
"You and me. What's happening? We're pretty close these days."
"Yes, we are. I see it as platonic."
"Not platonic enough that I can date again!"
(long pause.)
I continue. "Things are just feeling a bit weird. We held hands, you fed me a cookie....Do you know what I mean?"
"I do."
(long, long pause)
Me again. "It's just got to go one way or another. We don't have to talk about this now, but I had to get it off my chest."
Him: "Fair enough."
Me: "Well, good night. This was awkward, huh?"
Him. "So awkward." He then goes on to try and lighten the mood by talking about farting in church, and I just say good night. And cry myself to sleep.
Seeing as I am essentially a 31-year old virgin, being his platonic best friend messes with my mind. The relationship was always lacking passion. What am I doing wrong? Yes, I want to hang out with you and talk to you every day and tell you everything but hold the sex, thanks.
I've got my horrible re-occurring cough again and am feeling pretty miserable. I'm all in a huff because Christmas is about consumption and waste and not gratitude and all the beautiful things it should be about, and even my pretty-environmentally aware family is guilty of it. But mostly I'm feeling like a failure. Why am I sucking at life so badly?
"You and me. What's happening? We're pretty close these days."
"Yes, we are. I see it as platonic."
"Not platonic enough that I can date again!"
(long pause.)
I continue. "Things are just feeling a bit weird. We held hands, you fed me a cookie....Do you know what I mean?"
"I do."
(long, long pause)
Me again. "It's just got to go one way or another. We don't have to talk about this now, but I had to get it off my chest."
Him: "Fair enough."
Me: "Well, good night. This was awkward, huh?"
Him. "So awkward." He then goes on to try and lighten the mood by talking about farting in church, and I just say good night. And cry myself to sleep.
Seeing as I am essentially a 31-year old virgin, being his platonic best friend messes with my mind. The relationship was always lacking passion. What am I doing wrong? Yes, I want to hang out with you and talk to you every day and tell you everything but hold the sex, thanks.
I've got my horrible re-occurring cough again and am feeling pretty miserable. I'm all in a huff because Christmas is about consumption and waste and not gratitude and all the beautiful things it should be about, and even my pretty-environmentally aware family is guilty of it. But mostly I'm feeling like a failure. Why am I sucking at life so badly?
Saturday 22 December 2012
Walrus Redux
I have been so busy lately with a bunch of art gigs. I would have actually made some money this week if I hadn't gotten a parking ticket. Sigh.
(Note to self: start charging more)
I'm very tired but there's a big question on my mind. Walrus and I are in some kind of weird grey area between 'just friends' and 'a couple'.
It's like platonic dating. Our old relationship, minus the kissing. Perhaps even a deeper emotional connection at this point.
I talk to him every day (OK, we send text messages, not talk) and say good night to him every night. When I'm sad/frustrated/sick/worried/etc I tell him about it, and he turns to me when he needs comfort as well.
I mentioned we held hands when our friend died.
After that, he gave me more hugs, longer hugs. He's called me 'dear' a few times. He brought me a cookie and instead of putting it in my hand he tried to feed it to me. Small gestures, just a little too intimate for just friends.
And the weird thing is, I'm fine with all of this until I stop to think about it.
I'm initiating some of this stuff as well- I was the one who reached for his hand....
But I don't want to drift back together because we're lonely or because it's a habit...I want us, both of us, to deliberately choose what our relationship is going to be.
And I want him to declare himself, not try out these little gestures to see how I react. We did this before. I balked and he withdrew.
I'm longing to hear three little words: "I appreciate you." Even if we're just friends.
I'm going to ask him what's going on. I can't move on if we're this close. And if we are this close, we might as well put back the kissing element into the relationship.
Maybe you've seen this article about harsh truths of life. There's supposed to be six truths, but they're basically the same point over and over again. It's written for a male audience and says so. However, the main premise is that the world does not care about you; it cares about how you can help it meet its needs. That goes for employers and potential love partners. What can you offer other people? What do you bring to the job/relationship?
I'm still thinking it over. I still need a job- I think I have skills but don't know how to show people what I can do.
And what about me is dateable? Lovable? How much am I willing to change to make myself more attractive to a broader audience?
What could Walrus bring to a relationship? What needs of mine does he meet?
Because I know all the things he does that drive me crazy, and I know how he screwed up in the past, and I have a feeling I have to try a relationship with someone else at some point in my life, and yet I still am pretty much okay with getting back together.
(Note to self: start charging more)
I'm very tired but there's a big question on my mind. Walrus and I are in some kind of weird grey area between 'just friends' and 'a couple'.
It's like platonic dating. Our old relationship, minus the kissing. Perhaps even a deeper emotional connection at this point.
I talk to him every day (OK, we send text messages, not talk) and say good night to him every night. When I'm sad/frustrated/sick/worried/etc I tell him about it, and he turns to me when he needs comfort as well.
I mentioned we held hands when our friend died.
After that, he gave me more hugs, longer hugs. He's called me 'dear' a few times. He brought me a cookie and instead of putting it in my hand he tried to feed it to me. Small gestures, just a little too intimate for just friends.
And the weird thing is, I'm fine with all of this until I stop to think about it.
I'm initiating some of this stuff as well- I was the one who reached for his hand....
But I don't want to drift back together because we're lonely or because it's a habit...I want us, both of us, to deliberately choose what our relationship is going to be.
And I want him to declare himself, not try out these little gestures to see how I react. We did this before. I balked and he withdrew.
I'm longing to hear three little words: "I appreciate you." Even if we're just friends.
I'm going to ask him what's going on. I can't move on if we're this close. And if we are this close, we might as well put back the kissing element into the relationship.
Maybe you've seen this article about harsh truths of life. There's supposed to be six truths, but they're basically the same point over and over again. It's written for a male audience and says so. However, the main premise is that the world does not care about you; it cares about how you can help it meet its needs. That goes for employers and potential love partners. What can you offer other people? What do you bring to the job/relationship?
I'm still thinking it over. I still need a job- I think I have skills but don't know how to show people what I can do.
And what about me is dateable? Lovable? How much am I willing to change to make myself more attractive to a broader audience?
What could Walrus bring to a relationship? What needs of mine does he meet?
Because I know all the things he does that drive me crazy, and I know how he screwed up in the past, and I have a feeling I have to try a relationship with someone else at some point in my life, and yet I still am pretty much okay with getting back together.
Thursday 13 December 2012
Littler Nothings
Jasper did send a message the morning we had set for the date, after a week of no correspondence. He named a cafe and a time. I was a bit annoyed. I don't like it when there's conversation and an agreement to meet and then the guy thinks his work is done and stops writing. I also have a cough developing, and I get really really terrible coughs that last for weeks. In the morning I feel like death but during the day I can function.
It took me an hour to decide what to do, but I wrote back that I was sick and vaguely suggested moving it to next week. He wrote back that he hoped I felt better and his schedule was busy next week but he'd be in touch.
I think I just don't want to meet this guy, but should I do it because I said I would, and because my excuses are lame, or should I follow my instinct?
And then, on top of that, even though I cancelled the meeting because I was sick, it somehow turned out that I went Christmas shopping with Walrus. He told me he would be in my area and I said he could stop by where I volunteer to see the work we do. I meant it to be a 15 minute visit. He didn't come until closing, and I had to run to a shop to get some supplies for an art project, and he came along.
On the way we met his best friend. I had written before how shocked I was that the best friend was planning to separate from his wife. Walrus made the wife seem really shrewish.
Well, well, well.....the best friend was with a woman, whom he introduced as his 'GOOD friend' with a heavy emphasis on the 'good'.
She was visiting from (far-away country.) Turns out she visited our city last year and randomly met Best Friend and they talked for hours and stayed in touch....to the point of phone calls every morning.
I was even more shocked! I sorta feel for the wife. I guess the marriage wasn't good to begin with, but to have your husband openly courting someone on the other side of the world! No wonder he sleeps on the floor.
Boys! Walrus saw nothing wrong; he just saw his friend was happy. Maybe there's something to "all's fair in love and war" if everybody ends up happier in the end, but personally I wouldn't correspond with a married man.
Anyways. I got an offer for another art commission, it will be not enough money for a tight tight deadline. Trying decide if I should do it. It would be fun, if it weren't so stressful this time of year and with my health worries....
What am I doing anyways?
It took me an hour to decide what to do, but I wrote back that I was sick and vaguely suggested moving it to next week. He wrote back that he hoped I felt better and his schedule was busy next week but he'd be in touch.
I think I just don't want to meet this guy, but should I do it because I said I would, and because my excuses are lame, or should I follow my instinct?
And then, on top of that, even though I cancelled the meeting because I was sick, it somehow turned out that I went Christmas shopping with Walrus. He told me he would be in my area and I said he could stop by where I volunteer to see the work we do. I meant it to be a 15 minute visit. He didn't come until closing, and I had to run to a shop to get some supplies for an art project, and he came along.
On the way we met his best friend. I had written before how shocked I was that the best friend was planning to separate from his wife. Walrus made the wife seem really shrewish.
Well, well, well.....the best friend was with a woman, whom he introduced as his 'GOOD friend' with a heavy emphasis on the 'good'.
She was visiting from (far-away country.) Turns out she visited our city last year and randomly met Best Friend and they talked for hours and stayed in touch....to the point of phone calls every morning.
I was even more shocked! I sorta feel for the wife. I guess the marriage wasn't good to begin with, but to have your husband openly courting someone on the other side of the world! No wonder he sleeps on the floor.
Boys! Walrus saw nothing wrong; he just saw his friend was happy. Maybe there's something to "all's fair in love and war" if everybody ends up happier in the end, but personally I wouldn't correspond with a married man.
Anyways. I got an offer for another art commission, it will be not enough money for a tight tight deadline. Trying decide if I should do it. It would be fun, if it weren't so stressful this time of year and with my health worries....
What am I doing anyways?
Sunday 9 December 2012
Little Nothings
I'm supposed to be working on a project but I did a gig with kids this morning and I'm having a rest. Procrastination!
Since the last post, there has been one day of bad back pain that kept me from doing much, but since then I've been pretty careful and survived a busy 3-gig weekend.
Choir this week was pretty emotional as we remembered our friend who'd passed. Singing with a group is an amazing way to heal and grieve and rejoice. I cried a bit and found myself reaching for Walrus' hand. So we held hands for a good part of the evening. I guess that's a little weird but it seemed okay. Our choir director noticed and commented as we left. "So you guys are holding hands again?" Walrus said something like "It's all this hand is good for" (since I held his paralyzed hand.) We haven't talked about it. I did say 'Thanks for comforting me' and he said 'Of course' and that was it.
I don't think it means we'll get back together; it was a special circumstance. We are talking to each other every day, we've even had some conversations about deeper stuff, which doesn't happen often with Walrus.
A few people have asked me what's going on with us. One friend asked if I'd be able to move on while the friendship is this close. I'm wondering that myself.
Yesterday I went to a costume Christmas thing, dressed as an elf. This drunken reindeer kept hip-checking me and trying to chat with me. When I was dancing he stood in front of me and tried to pull my pelvis into his backside. I got all red and flustered and didn't know what to do. I just shook my head at him. I thought he had the weirdest taste- there were lots of women dressed as sexy Santas so why would he pick the wholesomely-ridiculous-looking elf/gnome? He tried a few more times but finally got the hint.
Before this incident, I'd actually had one (1) whole vodka-cran and was having fun dancing and actually feeling like I understood why people thought this sort of thing was fun. After an hour I wanted to go home and read Jane Austen by myself.
I'm thinking this meeting with Jasper (a guy from OKCupid) isn't going to happen. He hasn't been in contact for a week. I'm not that upset.
Since the last post, there has been one day of bad back pain that kept me from doing much, but since then I've been pretty careful and survived a busy 3-gig weekend.
Choir this week was pretty emotional as we remembered our friend who'd passed. Singing with a group is an amazing way to heal and grieve and rejoice. I cried a bit and found myself reaching for Walrus' hand. So we held hands for a good part of the evening. I guess that's a little weird but it seemed okay. Our choir director noticed and commented as we left. "So you guys are holding hands again?" Walrus said something like "It's all this hand is good for" (since I held his paralyzed hand.) We haven't talked about it. I did say 'Thanks for comforting me' and he said 'Of course' and that was it.
I don't think it means we'll get back together; it was a special circumstance. We are talking to each other every day, we've even had some conversations about deeper stuff, which doesn't happen often with Walrus.
A few people have asked me what's going on with us. One friend asked if I'd be able to move on while the friendship is this close. I'm wondering that myself.
Yesterday I went to a costume Christmas thing, dressed as an elf. This drunken reindeer kept hip-checking me and trying to chat with me. When I was dancing he stood in front of me and tried to pull my pelvis into his backside. I got all red and flustered and didn't know what to do. I just shook my head at him. I thought he had the weirdest taste- there were lots of women dressed as sexy Santas so why would he pick the wholesomely-ridiculous-looking elf/gnome? He tried a few more times but finally got the hint.
Before this incident, I'd actually had one (1) whole vodka-cran and was having fun dancing and actually feeling like I understood why people thought this sort of thing was fun. After an hour I wanted to go home and read Jane Austen by myself.
I'm thinking this meeting with Jasper (a guy from OKCupid) isn't going to happen. He hasn't been in contact for a week. I'm not that upset.
Tuesday 4 December 2012
Health woes
So I wrote a few weeks ago that my period started early, even though I'm on birth control. Then it didn't stop...it was more than two weeks and getting heavier. I went back to the clinic last week, saw a new young female doctor who didn't seem worried but sent me for a blood test anyways. I got the results today from my regular doctor- I'm really anemic and have to start taking iron pills.
Yesterday and today I've had bad back pains. Over the last year, I've been having some back pain just before my period, and if I stood for a long period of time. I didn't know why it was happening. Was it because I was out of shape and had gained weight? Was it hormonal? Was it just because I have a freakishly long torso? I just vowed to do my 'yoga for the spine' video more often.
Today I'm absolutely crippled by back pain. I've tried to stretch it out and nothing's worked. I told the doctor and he didn't seem that concerned. I'm going to get an X-ray tomorrow. The thing is, I'm also having pains in my pelvis, some aches under the hip bone and some sharp pinching lower in the groin. Endometriosis has been mentioned as a possibility.
I've been going to this doctor my whole life. My mom says he doesn't pay attention to women's complaints. Years ago, she and my dad both went to see this doctor on the same day for chest pains. Dad was given a whole litany of tests and Mom was sent away.
I've just had a two week long period and I'm having pelvic pains. Doctor does nothing.
I'm lying on the floor right now with the laptop on my knees. I'm in quite a lot of pain.
I'm worried about why this is happening and how behind I'm getting on my projects.
In other news, Walrus was quite supportive today and was getting updates frequently. I told him I really appreciated it.
I was surprised to find a message from the Jasper fellow on OKC. He said he's game to meet me still. What? I've been about as negative as possible about our compatibility, but I said yes. (a sort of 'Oh sure, what the hell' kinda yes in my head) A date is tentatively set for next week.
With the health worries and the death of my choir friend, not to mention the lack of employment, I am getting a bit down. Just thinking about Operation FML and how I'm going to put it in place. I need to figure out my goals and a plan.
There's a big environmental organization that had a call in their newsletter for delegates to go to training in (faraway exotic country) to learn how to organize a movement in their home towns. I started to fill out the application form and realized I wouldn't get chosen. I have no experience as a community organizer. It was a brief fantasy of this amazing adventure I was going to have, and the kind of person I was going to be.
I still have the dream of working to change the world, or my community, maybe as a job, maybe as a volunteer.
I don't know. I can't move, so all I can do is lie here and stew.
Yesterday and today I've had bad back pains. Over the last year, I've been having some back pain just before my period, and if I stood for a long period of time. I didn't know why it was happening. Was it because I was out of shape and had gained weight? Was it hormonal? Was it just because I have a freakishly long torso? I just vowed to do my 'yoga for the spine' video more often.
Today I'm absolutely crippled by back pain. I've tried to stretch it out and nothing's worked. I told the doctor and he didn't seem that concerned. I'm going to get an X-ray tomorrow. The thing is, I'm also having pains in my pelvis, some aches under the hip bone and some sharp pinching lower in the groin. Endometriosis has been mentioned as a possibility.
I've been going to this doctor my whole life. My mom says he doesn't pay attention to women's complaints. Years ago, she and my dad both went to see this doctor on the same day for chest pains. Dad was given a whole litany of tests and Mom was sent away.
I've just had a two week long period and I'm having pelvic pains. Doctor does nothing.
I'm lying on the floor right now with the laptop on my knees. I'm in quite a lot of pain.
I'm worried about why this is happening and how behind I'm getting on my projects.
In other news, Walrus was quite supportive today and was getting updates frequently. I told him I really appreciated it.
I was surprised to find a message from the Jasper fellow on OKC. He said he's game to meet me still. What? I've been about as negative as possible about our compatibility, but I said yes. (a sort of 'Oh sure, what the hell' kinda yes in my head) A date is tentatively set for next week.
With the health worries and the death of my choir friend, not to mention the lack of employment, I am getting a bit down. Just thinking about Operation FML and how I'm going to put it in place. I need to figure out my goals and a plan.
There's a big environmental organization that had a call in their newsletter for delegates to go to training in (faraway exotic country) to learn how to organize a movement in their home towns. I started to fill out the application form and realized I wouldn't get chosen. I have no experience as a community organizer. It was a brief fantasy of this amazing adventure I was going to have, and the kind of person I was going to be.
I still have the dream of working to change the world, or my community, maybe as a job, maybe as a volunteer.
I don't know. I can't move, so all I can do is lie here and stew.
Sunday 2 December 2012
Heavy Heart
When I was younger I thought I knew everything. Maybe when I'm older I'll be too set in my ways.
All I know is that right now I'm keenly interested in other people's stories and trying to glean everything I can from them.
Our friend from choir, after living with a brain tumour for ten years, has passed away.
I am sad of course, but I am also reflecting on mortality in general Perhaps it is a selfish, or at least self-centered reaction to the death of an acquaintance, but it is a very human one. As I think about my friend and how he lived with the knowledge of a shortened lifespan, I can't help but think about what I'm going to do with my life.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I also want to create a full life for myself, and I feel like I'm a bit behind on that. I have been feeling down but I just need to keep working on my goals.
There has been some interesting conversations this week. I hope I'm learning what I need to learn.
All I know is that right now I'm keenly interested in other people's stories and trying to glean everything I can from them.
Our friend from choir, after living with a brain tumour for ten years, has passed away.
I am sad of course, but I am also reflecting on mortality in general Perhaps it is a selfish, or at least self-centered reaction to the death of an acquaintance, but it is a very human one. As I think about my friend and how he lived with the knowledge of a shortened lifespan, I can't help but think about what I'm going to do with my life.
I have a lot to be grateful for. I also want to create a full life for myself, and I feel like I'm a bit behind on that. I have been feeling down but I just need to keep working on my goals.
There has been some interesting conversations this week. I hope I'm learning what I need to learn.
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