Hurray! The awful gig is finished! I liked working with kids, but I felt like my co-workers were on a different page from me. If you think crayons and paper are 'too messy', what are you doing working with children?
Sigh. Then I got home and saw this:
Help me stop being mean
It's Captain Awkward's latest post. It's about being mean, negative, and always complaining. Pretty much where I'm at, and have been at for a long time. I am not radiating joy into the world, that's for sure, even though I want to be a positive person (to a point. I still like sarcasm, and I don't want to ignore/hide/downplay negative emotions when there's a legitimate reason for them.)
I read it, but I think I need to sleep on it and reread it later. It's too much right now. Much too much.
Tidbits: Saw Walrus at choir (the day after his break-up). He looked a mess. We made small talk but I wasn't sure if there's any friendship left between us or what exactly I was supposed to say or do. I felt bad for him, but he doesn't want my pity. I don't want it to look like I'm only friends with him when he's single, or worse, that I'm trying to get us back together. I guess I wanted to seem sorta sympathetic, but I haven't forgotten what a jackass he was to me when I found out he was dating again. Oh well, a few awkward minutes at choir- I'm not going to lose sleep over it. There's probably no perfect way to be friends with an ex, especially when the relationship was as bumpy as that was.
Job interview today went well- I expect I'll be offered the youth camping job, but with another interview next week, I'll have to play the game of accepting the first offer, or holding out for the better job....or piecing together a perfect combination of part time jobs that will never have schedule conflicts...
Thursday 28 March 2013
Wednesday 27 March 2013
Small updates
One more day of horrible gig! I'm really not impressing myself with what I've contributed to this gig or how I've handled the negative aspects of it, but at a certain point I just stopped caring.
Walrus texted me today that he and New Girlfriend have broken up. I think it happened today. Not sure why I needed the update- probably he just wanted to talk to someone and didn't have anyone else. When Walrus and I broke up I sent messages out to several people just because I was hurting and wanted attention. I certainly wasn't wishing they'd break up, although I did rather suspect it wouldn't last... I hope I'm not gloating about that. A tiny part of me is.
Anyways, I just said, "I'm sorry, are you ok?" And he said, 'Yes, thanks. How are you? How's the gig?'
And that was the end of the conversation.
I have an interview tomorrow for a job working with youth and the environment. The downside- I'd have to lead camping trips throughout the summer, a commitment of 6 weekends. I'm already working Sundays throughout the spring! I could have a M-F job during the summer, and spend weekends camping with kids, and really make some money, but dating, art and other projects would have to wait.
Also next week I have a skills test in Microsoft Office software, and if I pass that, I will be interviewed for another job- an entry level position, part time, in an arts organization I'd be pretty happy to work for.
Not sure how this is all going to play out! I could end up with a bunch of part-time things. Balancing the schedule is going to get pretty difficult...
I haven't done any social things this week because I'm pretty tired. Cough is getting worse.
I am working on part two of community leadership class, which is to lead a neighbourhood event or project (like a park cleanup, a block party, a mural, etc.)
This week at work we took the students to the zoo for a sketching outing. There were lots of young families there, couples with their precious firstborn babies. I looked at them with such longing....I was surprised. It didn't seem to be the baby I was longing for, but the wholesomeness of the family unit, and the committed partner. Guys who are good dads: SO HOT. My brother and sister have their own families now, and I have almost no responsibilities.... And I could see myself being really into the role of mom/wife, and once again wondering why that didn't happen for me.
And just for weirdness' sake: I read these silly horoscopes, and this was mine for this week:
The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! I misled you. I don't really think you should put a ferret in your pants, not even to win a contest. It is possible, however, that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist. And I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.
Walrus texted me today that he and New Girlfriend have broken up. I think it happened today. Not sure why I needed the update- probably he just wanted to talk to someone and didn't have anyone else. When Walrus and I broke up I sent messages out to several people just because I was hurting and wanted attention. I certainly wasn't wishing they'd break up, although I did rather suspect it wouldn't last... I hope I'm not gloating about that. A tiny part of me is.
Anyways, I just said, "I'm sorry, are you ok?" And he said, 'Yes, thanks. How are you? How's the gig?'
And that was the end of the conversation.
I have an interview tomorrow for a job working with youth and the environment. The downside- I'd have to lead camping trips throughout the summer, a commitment of 6 weekends. I'm already working Sundays throughout the spring! I could have a M-F job during the summer, and spend weekends camping with kids, and really make some money, but dating, art and other projects would have to wait.
Also next week I have a skills test in Microsoft Office software, and if I pass that, I will be interviewed for another job- an entry level position, part time, in an arts organization I'd be pretty happy to work for.
Not sure how this is all going to play out! I could end up with a bunch of part-time things. Balancing the schedule is going to get pretty difficult...
I haven't done any social things this week because I'm pretty tired. Cough is getting worse.
I am working on part two of community leadership class, which is to lead a neighbourhood event or project (like a park cleanup, a block party, a mural, etc.)
This week at work we took the students to the zoo for a sketching outing. There were lots of young families there, couples with their precious firstborn babies. I looked at them with such longing....I was surprised. It didn't seem to be the baby I was longing for, but the wholesomeness of the family unit, and the committed partner. Guys who are good dads: SO HOT. My brother and sister have their own families now, and I have almost no responsibilities.... And I could see myself being really into the role of mom/wife, and once again wondering why that didn't happen for me.
And just for weirdness' sake: I read these silly horoscopes, and this was mine for this week:
The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! I misled you. I don't really think you should put a ferret in your pants, not even to win a contest. It is possible, however, that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist. And I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.
Saturday 23 March 2013
Frustrated!
I'm in a super bad mood right now and I'm writing because I don't know what else to do with myself.
This two week gig is very frustrating, but I survived one week of it, and thought I'd sorta learned the ropes. I got the plan for Week Two yesterday, and sent some suggestions for changes by email. My manager wrote back rejecting the changes. She gave reasons that seem flimsy to me but I don't want to argue, so I guess I'll just stop offering ideas. It wasn't like I was trying to get out of work; I am sincerely trying to make a better experience for the kids.
I have a feeling that if I'd phrased things just right, I could have gotten my way. I wasn't rude, but I did point out why I wanted to change the plan (ie. what was wrong with the plan) and I guess she got a tiny bit defensive. Too late now, but I've thought of a lighter way to suggest the changes that would have skirted the real reasons behind them.
Some people are so good at tactfully leading (manipulating) people into the direction they want them to go. I am not. I say things too bluntly, because I am better at dealing with ideas than people. I'm from the arts- where everyone had a vision and fought for it, and no one took it personally because the best idea would win, and that was good for the final product.
With this particular gig, I'm in a weird position of being in the middle in seniority, the oldest in actual years lived and the most experienced in some ways, and yet I don't know the ins and outs of this particular work environment, so I depend on the younger coworkers to help me find things, or explain policies to me. And I wasn't there for the planning, so I'm out of the loop and apparently, my suggestions aren't welcomed. I feel a bit isolated socially as well.
Good thing it's only four more days.
I am so so critical. It's weird, because I am so insecure about myself in so many ways and yet when I watch people organize something badly, I draw up a plan in my head for how I would do it better, and then get really frustrated that I am unemployed and these bozos in charge have great jobs.
And in general I am having a small freak-out in my head. It isn't showing yet, but I'm having trouble keeping it together. I felt my eyes watering on the bus this morning, and missed my stop because I was wallowing in self-pity and loneliness.
I'm physically tired from work, and the cough is coming back. I had some evening activities planned, but by mid-week I stopped going to them and napped when I got home. Another Friday and Saturday night on the couch with the computer. I'd really like some quality social time with a good friend- I love deep conversations and I rarely get to have them.
I keep typing sad phrases into Google: "how do I change my life?" "How do I meet people?" And just now, "I get frustrated with stupid people"- that one came up with weird stuff.
To admit this is really embarrassing. What a way to spend my valuable time. I just keeping looking for easy answers. They must be on the Internet! They must be! And I check my email and facebook constantly- maybe someone will think of me and contact me! Maybe I'll get an OKC message! Nope.
I should just shut down the computer and draw, or read or clean, or be productive while I'm lonely, but I get into this state where some kind of connection with other human beings becomes all-important and I try and make the Internet fill the void. Many posts are written here when I get like that.
Gawd just reading this makes me want to cry.
This week I've been so tired, I haven't been able to get much done, and I've spent too much time on OKC, typing in other major cities across North America to see how many 99% matches there are in each one. (Seattle, apparently, is the city I'd do best in)
No one's contacted me on OKC for a while- I'm not 'fresh meat' anymore and I hardly even get any visitors. I said I wasn't even going to think about dating for a bit, and that I didn't want to do online dating at all....but obviously browsing profiles fulfills some kind of need for me. I can pretend, I can daydream...
I've also been trying to find articles about changing habits. I find a lot of people who are trying to make a living offering self-help blogs, and am really not impressed by that. Most articles say 'change one habit at a time', but I can't pick one- I need everything to change now! I don't have months to work on each one. But aim too high and you will surely fail. Small changes are better. It's a transition and it's not going to be smoothly linear.
overwhelmed.
This two week gig is very frustrating, but I survived one week of it, and thought I'd sorta learned the ropes. I got the plan for Week Two yesterday, and sent some suggestions for changes by email. My manager wrote back rejecting the changes. She gave reasons that seem flimsy to me but I don't want to argue, so I guess I'll just stop offering ideas. It wasn't like I was trying to get out of work; I am sincerely trying to make a better experience for the kids.
I have a feeling that if I'd phrased things just right, I could have gotten my way. I wasn't rude, but I did point out why I wanted to change the plan (ie. what was wrong with the plan) and I guess she got a tiny bit defensive. Too late now, but I've thought of a lighter way to suggest the changes that would have skirted the real reasons behind them.
Some people are so good at tactfully leading (manipulating) people into the direction they want them to go. I am not. I say things too bluntly, because I am better at dealing with ideas than people. I'm from the arts- where everyone had a vision and fought for it, and no one took it personally because the best idea would win, and that was good for the final product.
With this particular gig, I'm in a weird position of being in the middle in seniority, the oldest in actual years lived and the most experienced in some ways, and yet I don't know the ins and outs of this particular work environment, so I depend on the younger coworkers to help me find things, or explain policies to me. And I wasn't there for the planning, so I'm out of the loop and apparently, my suggestions aren't welcomed. I feel a bit isolated socially as well.
Good thing it's only four more days.
I am so so critical. It's weird, because I am so insecure about myself in so many ways and yet when I watch people organize something badly, I draw up a plan in my head for how I would do it better, and then get really frustrated that I am unemployed and these bozos in charge have great jobs.
And in general I am having a small freak-out in my head. It isn't showing yet, but I'm having trouble keeping it together. I felt my eyes watering on the bus this morning, and missed my stop because I was wallowing in self-pity and loneliness.
I'm physically tired from work, and the cough is coming back. I had some evening activities planned, but by mid-week I stopped going to them and napped when I got home. Another Friday and Saturday night on the couch with the computer. I'd really like some quality social time with a good friend- I love deep conversations and I rarely get to have them.
I keep typing sad phrases into Google: "how do I change my life?" "How do I meet people?" And just now, "I get frustrated with stupid people"- that one came up with weird stuff.
To admit this is really embarrassing. What a way to spend my valuable time. I just keeping looking for easy answers. They must be on the Internet! They must be! And I check my email and facebook constantly- maybe someone will think of me and contact me! Maybe I'll get an OKC message! Nope.
I should just shut down the computer and draw, or read or clean, or be productive while I'm lonely, but I get into this state where some kind of connection with other human beings becomes all-important and I try and make the Internet fill the void. Many posts are written here when I get like that.
Gawd just reading this makes me want to cry.
This week I've been so tired, I haven't been able to get much done, and I've spent too much time on OKC, typing in other major cities across North America to see how many 99% matches there are in each one. (Seattle, apparently, is the city I'd do best in)
No one's contacted me on OKC for a while- I'm not 'fresh meat' anymore and I hardly even get any visitors. I said I wasn't even going to think about dating for a bit, and that I didn't want to do online dating at all....but obviously browsing profiles fulfills some kind of need for me. I can pretend, I can daydream...
I've also been trying to find articles about changing habits. I find a lot of people who are trying to make a living offering self-help blogs, and am really not impressed by that. Most articles say 'change one habit at a time', but I can't pick one- I need everything to change now! I don't have months to work on each one. But aim too high and you will surely fail. Small changes are better. It's a transition and it's not going to be smoothly linear.
overwhelmed.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
thinking, part two
This morning I drove to work and was dutifully doing the speed limit in a school zone. This SUV was following me and then decided to cross the double yellow line (illegal!) and drive on the wrong side of the road to pass me. I honked twice and was righteously indignant. He didn't even save any time, as I pulled up right behind him at the next red light. I damned him to hell several times. Then I remembered it was Spring Break and school wasn't in session.
This just sort of sums up where I'm at these days. I'm so furious at how selfish everyone is, I can hardly venture out into the city without building up a seething rage. And then I realized I was (sorta) in the wrong, and I cannot tell you how embarrassed I am by this incident. I was trying to do the right thing by obeying the speed limit -not everyone knows when school holidays are- and the guy was still wrong to pass me illegally rather than waiting out the half a block left to go, but I still feel foolish.
I am so angry all the time.
I think our society is sick and has lost its morals, but there might be a better way to respond when the world bumps into me.
I remembered my tidbits I wanted to record.
1. That I am still coughing. I took antibiotics and had another allergic reaction. My chest is covered in red bumps. It is hard to feel pretty with oozy spots on your torso. And yet I'm still coughing. This interferes with any hope of exercising or housework. I am so tired of being sick in this undefined way.
2. I found a book called 344 Questions, which is a sort of visual self-help book for creative types. Uh, I'd better just show you a picture:
I tried to work through the first few pages and found it was hard work- mentally exhausting. (I don't have the physical book- my library had it online, so I was writing/drawing it out by hand.)
One question that struck me was 'How can you push yourself further?'
Whimper.
3. Appearances. (ha. The word almost starts with 'a pear....') This is a muddy topic for me. I don't often wear makeup, and only started wearing it at all a few years ago. I do shave my legs and armpits. For some reason I almost enjoy plucking a few stray hairs from my brows. I have short hair and glasses. I shop at the thrift store. My usual outfit is jeans, tee, sneakers, Often these have paint or glue on them- when I'm making art I don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. It was a big step for me to try skinny jeans and boots- out of the comfort zone for sure. The boots don't even have heels! And yet I do own dresses, and enjoy wearing them.. I have a 'pretty dresses' board on Pinterest with over 500 pictures on it, so obviously have some interest in fashion.
I can't decide what makes me decide to make these choices. Am I lazy? Am I busy thinking of loftier things? Is it my feminist beliefs? Is it my environmental beliefs (what is in make-up anyways?) Is it that I don't see myself as someone who is fashionable? Is it because I value substance over style? Or is it some desire not to be noticed?
I am an artist and I understand how important presentation is, and yet I'm not very good at it. I sometimes rebel against it. "Content!," I cry, "It's what's inside that counts!"
I grew up in a messy house, so I think that's part of it. .
And when I was ten years old, I went over to a friend's and she practiced her make-up skills on me. I'll bet I was a sight. I'm pretty sure the eyeshadow was blue. When I got home, my mother was quietly and terrifyingly mad. She told me, 'Successful women don't wear makeup." I said hotly, 'What about actresses?', went to the bathroom to wipe it off and then to my room to cry. And I didn't attempt to wear makeup again for 15 years...
I would like to be creative with style. Feminine, even. I would like to balance that with a certain practical-mindedness I won't ever be able to shake (which translates to 'sensible shoes' and 'dressing appropriately for the weather/activity'). How much effort should I put into appearances....how much is it affecting my career and dating opportunities?
I don't know. I'm trying to change so many things. From a person who is sick to a person who is well. From a person who is unemployed to a person who has a career. From a person who has never been in love to a person with a life partner. From a person who doesn't exercise to a person who does... Not to mention eats healthy, draws constantly, is never shy, dances in public, cleans house regularly, and doesn't rage at bad drivers, bad manners or bad grammar.
And because I'm me, Eleanor Introvert, I need to consider all possibilities and all the moral implications of each choice. And then blog about it.
This just sort of sums up where I'm at these days. I'm so furious at how selfish everyone is, I can hardly venture out into the city without building up a seething rage. And then I realized I was (sorta) in the wrong, and I cannot tell you how embarrassed I am by this incident. I was trying to do the right thing by obeying the speed limit -not everyone knows when school holidays are- and the guy was still wrong to pass me illegally rather than waiting out the half a block left to go, but I still feel foolish.
I am so angry all the time.
I think our society is sick and has lost its morals, but there might be a better way to respond when the world bumps into me.
I remembered my tidbits I wanted to record.
1. That I am still coughing. I took antibiotics and had another allergic reaction. My chest is covered in red bumps. It is hard to feel pretty with oozy spots on your torso. And yet I'm still coughing. This interferes with any hope of exercising or housework. I am so tired of being sick in this undefined way.
2. I found a book called 344 Questions, which is a sort of visual self-help book for creative types. Uh, I'd better just show you a picture:
One question that struck me was 'How can you push yourself further?'
Whimper.
3. Appearances. (ha. The word almost starts with 'a pear....') This is a muddy topic for me. I don't often wear makeup, and only started wearing it at all a few years ago. I do shave my legs and armpits. For some reason I almost enjoy plucking a few stray hairs from my brows. I have short hair and glasses. I shop at the thrift store. My usual outfit is jeans, tee, sneakers, Often these have paint or glue on them- when I'm making art I don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. It was a big step for me to try skinny jeans and boots- out of the comfort zone for sure. The boots don't even have heels! And yet I do own dresses, and enjoy wearing them.. I have a 'pretty dresses' board on Pinterest with over 500 pictures on it, so obviously have some interest in fashion.
I can't decide what makes me decide to make these choices. Am I lazy? Am I busy thinking of loftier things? Is it my feminist beliefs? Is it my environmental beliefs (what is in make-up anyways?) Is it that I don't see myself as someone who is fashionable? Is it because I value substance over style? Or is it some desire not to be noticed?
I am an artist and I understand how important presentation is, and yet I'm not very good at it. I sometimes rebel against it. "Content!," I cry, "It's what's inside that counts!"
I grew up in a messy house, so I think that's part of it. .
And when I was ten years old, I went over to a friend's and she practiced her make-up skills on me. I'll bet I was a sight. I'm pretty sure the eyeshadow was blue. When I got home, my mother was quietly and terrifyingly mad. She told me, 'Successful women don't wear makeup." I said hotly, 'What about actresses?', went to the bathroom to wipe it off and then to my room to cry. And I didn't attempt to wear makeup again for 15 years...
I would like to be creative with style. Feminine, even. I would like to balance that with a certain practical-mindedness I won't ever be able to shake (which translates to 'sensible shoes' and 'dressing appropriately for the weather/activity'). How much effort should I put into appearances....how much is it affecting my career and dating opportunities?
I don't know. I'm trying to change so many things. From a person who is sick to a person who is well. From a person who is unemployed to a person who has a career. From a person who has never been in love to a person with a life partner. From a person who doesn't exercise to a person who does... Not to mention eats healthy, draws constantly, is never shy, dances in public, cleans house regularly, and doesn't rage at bad drivers, bad manners or bad grammar.
And because I'm me, Eleanor Introvert, I need to consider all possibilities and all the moral implications of each choice. And then blog about it.
Tuesday 19 March 2013
A little check-in with myself
I have to come up with a labeling system for posts so readers know which ones have actual dating content and which ones are boring. This one's boring, although I did meet a very good looking man just now.
I don't see him as a love interest or anything; it was just a pleasure to look at him for two hours. I went to a talk about...the history of capitalism I suppose would sum it up, but it was more interesting than that sounds. It was a very small group, just six of us and the speaker. He sat across from me. Really, a very beautiful man. Afterwards he was walking my way so we talked for a few blocks and shook hands when we parted. And this is what constitutes an noteworthy moment in my life, ha! Simple pleasures...
I also went to a sketching club meetup and had a nice Sunday drawing the city (and it was St Patrick's day, so fun to watch the festivities.) Afterwards the group went for lunch and the restaurant turned out to be more expensive than I would have picked on my own, so I had a $10 half-sandwich and tried not to think about the money! Really was good for me to draw from observation again, and was inspired to see the other artists were in the habit of sketching all the time everywhere they went. I used to do that. Why am I wasting my time playing Solitaire on my phone while I'm riding the bus?
So I'm feeling good about all these weird events and meetups I sign myself up for. I need something to look forward to. In a big way. There's a dark moody cloudy always lurking, and I'm trying to outrun it.
It might help if I knew what I was looking for.
These next two weeks I'm working 7 hour days, with kids, no breaks. So going out every evening is really too much. Plus Meetup is sending me 10 emails a day! I will have to prioritize and cut activities soon.
But the group things I did this week got me more invites to join even more events!
In other news, this two week gig I'm doing right now is really rubbish. Frustrating as all hell. One of my co-workers told the kids we were playing the 'Quiet Game', which is 'Be quiet and whoever makes a noise gets to do push-ups.' WTF! Who decided to let her work with children?
I am thinking I'm going to do a big 'strategic plan' for my life, and break down goals into steps and decide what is a priority right now. I've started working on that.
I really think I should contact people in the field and find out if it's the right field for me (I don't need to do a third career change) and how they got to where they are. I was trying to track down an old teacher so I could interview her, asked an old classmate if she knew her whereabouts, and old classmate happened to send me a job posting. This was just hours before the deadline to apply, so I thought that was a lucky omen and reminded me of the power of networking.
I accepted the Sunday teaching gig, and just generally have a feeling something's going to come up, careerwise, for me really soon. Even if I end up doing a bunch of little gigs (so much more tiring than doing one regular job), if I just had a regular schedule and income I could settle into working on other parts of my life.
I broke my own rule of no browsing on OKCupid. I said if I signed in, I had to write to someone. That lasted three days. I haven't written to anyone. Still a little burnt by the last attempt. Still facing the 'I'm not dateable' demons of doubt. Still longing longing longing for some SPOONING.
Some guy I've never met 'friended' me on fb, because we had four friends in common. I accepted so I could assess his dateability. I think he's not for me, but was surprised that this is how I think now. Social life on the internet is weird.
And in my browsing on OKC, I went through the matches from the next closest city, two hours away. This feels great, because there's little chance I will actually know anybody, and it's enough distance that a relationship is plausible but unlikely. So I can 'pretend' all I want, and say that the distance is what keeps me from writing to them. Alternately, I think I could convince myself that the distance means I could write to them without investing too much. All hypothetical at the moment. Anyways, the point is that I read this profile of a classic comic-book geek (he draws them) who looks like Duff from Ace of Cakes, and sounds like he has the personality to match. And part of me responded to that. No he's not a deep thinker or into social justice but he's a good guy who would be fun and likes to cuddle. I read his responses to the 'sex' questions and we actually seemed to agree. Phew! It was beginning to seem like everybody on the internet was going to wild orgies except me. The point of this rather pointless paragraph is that I think I know what I want, and then I'm not sure. I had a feeling we'd get along, but I'm not sure I trust my OKC profile-reading instincts after my track record so far. Also reading this profile made it a tiny bit clearer to me that I have an idea in my head about who I think I can get, who I think would like me-- "This guy doesn't intimidate me at all, therefore I like him" Does that make sense? "This guy sounds like he would be patient with the sex difficulty"- HUGE BIG DEAL TO ME.
Maybe if I make myself write to five guys on OKC, I'd include comic-book geek, but I don't think I will just yet. I mention it more for what it revealed about me and my skewed perception of men/the dating world.
I feel like I had some other little tidbits but it's late. And so to bed, Eleanor.
I don't see him as a love interest or anything; it was just a pleasure to look at him for two hours. I went to a talk about...the history of capitalism I suppose would sum it up, but it was more interesting than that sounds. It was a very small group, just six of us and the speaker. He sat across from me. Really, a very beautiful man. Afterwards he was walking my way so we talked for a few blocks and shook hands when we parted. And this is what constitutes an noteworthy moment in my life, ha! Simple pleasures...
I also went to a sketching club meetup and had a nice Sunday drawing the city (and it was St Patrick's day, so fun to watch the festivities.) Afterwards the group went for lunch and the restaurant turned out to be more expensive than I would have picked on my own, so I had a $10 half-sandwich and tried not to think about the money! Really was good for me to draw from observation again, and was inspired to see the other artists were in the habit of sketching all the time everywhere they went. I used to do that. Why am I wasting my time playing Solitaire on my phone while I'm riding the bus?
So I'm feeling good about all these weird events and meetups I sign myself up for. I need something to look forward to. In a big way. There's a dark moody cloudy always lurking, and I'm trying to outrun it.
It might help if I knew what I was looking for.
These next two weeks I'm working 7 hour days, with kids, no breaks. So going out every evening is really too much. Plus Meetup is sending me 10 emails a day! I will have to prioritize and cut activities soon.
But the group things I did this week got me more invites to join even more events!
In other news, this two week gig I'm doing right now is really rubbish. Frustrating as all hell. One of my co-workers told the kids we were playing the 'Quiet Game', which is 'Be quiet and whoever makes a noise gets to do push-ups.' WTF! Who decided to let her work with children?
I am thinking I'm going to do a big 'strategic plan' for my life, and break down goals into steps and decide what is a priority right now. I've started working on that.
I really think I should contact people in the field and find out if it's the right field for me (I don't need to do a third career change) and how they got to where they are. I was trying to track down an old teacher so I could interview her, asked an old classmate if she knew her whereabouts, and old classmate happened to send me a job posting. This was just hours before the deadline to apply, so I thought that was a lucky omen and reminded me of the power of networking.
I accepted the Sunday teaching gig, and just generally have a feeling something's going to come up, careerwise, for me really soon. Even if I end up doing a bunch of little gigs (so much more tiring than doing one regular job), if I just had a regular schedule and income I could settle into working on other parts of my life.
I broke my own rule of no browsing on OKCupid. I said if I signed in, I had to write to someone. That lasted three days. I haven't written to anyone. Still a little burnt by the last attempt. Still facing the 'I'm not dateable' demons of doubt. Still longing longing longing for some SPOONING.
Some guy I've never met 'friended' me on fb, because we had four friends in common. I accepted so I could assess his dateability. I think he's not for me, but was surprised that this is how I think now. Social life on the internet is weird.
And in my browsing on OKC, I went through the matches from the next closest city, two hours away. This feels great, because there's little chance I will actually know anybody, and it's enough distance that a relationship is plausible but unlikely. So I can 'pretend' all I want, and say that the distance is what keeps me from writing to them. Alternately, I think I could convince myself that the distance means I could write to them without investing too much. All hypothetical at the moment. Anyways, the point is that I read this profile of a classic comic-book geek (he draws them) who looks like Duff from Ace of Cakes, and sounds like he has the personality to match. And part of me responded to that. No he's not a deep thinker or into social justice but he's a good guy who would be fun and likes to cuddle. I read his responses to the 'sex' questions and we actually seemed to agree. Phew! It was beginning to seem like everybody on the internet was going to wild orgies except me. The point of this rather pointless paragraph is that I think I know what I want, and then I'm not sure. I had a feeling we'd get along, but I'm not sure I trust my OKC profile-reading instincts after my track record so far. Also reading this profile made it a tiny bit clearer to me that I have an idea in my head about who I think I can get, who I think would like me-- "This guy doesn't intimidate me at all, therefore I like him" Does that make sense? "This guy sounds like he would be patient with the sex difficulty"- HUGE BIG DEAL TO ME.
Maybe if I make myself write to five guys on OKC, I'd include comic-book geek, but I don't think I will just yet. I mention it more for what it revealed about me and my skewed perception of men/the dating world.
I feel like I had some other little tidbits but it's late. And so to bed, Eleanor.
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Too long, didn't read.
This was going to be a comment in reply to the last post, but it's too long so it gets its own post. I'm always vague about my career goals but I explain them a little bit here. I was also trying to be vague about my activities but now I think a careful reader could draw up my weekly schedule!
Anyways, here's what I was writing:
I want to be an arts administrator, so being a professional artist will help. It's hard to know how to get there because the kind of work I want to do (public/ community art programs, classes, festivals) is still a relatively new field (where I am, anyways.) People who have the jobs I want were working artists who just happened to be around 30 years ago when things were getting going, and they never left. Now, there's a lot more pieces of paper you're supposed to have, more hoops to jump through. Basically I need supervisory and admin experience, handling a budget, managing a database...Not sure how to get started in that. I've basically gone back to teaching kids just for the work, but it was what I was doing before going back to school. I don't want to give up my art practice.
As for going out and doing things, most of my meet-ups are art, environment or outdoor related (a hiking group). I did join some more general social ones (board games and movies) but I'm not planning to attend anything just yet. I'm focusing on the ones that are 'good' for me and meeting people will just be a secondary goal.
I don't work a 40 hour workweek surrounded by people; I'm often at home alone so I need to go out or go crazy! I might be able to accept celibacy for a while, but not a total lack of a social life. Despite all these things I'm signed up for, I'm still spending most Friday and Saturday nights at home. Volunteering and joining clubs has really changed my life- it put me in control of my own fun, my own challenges, and has brought me good friends (and I'm not someone who has a lot of friends!) new experiences and even some paid gigs.
I've read so many dating profiles- I feel like I'm getting a sense of what men want. 'Takes care of herself' is the euphemism for 'not fat'. I'm a size 12. I carry my weight around my middle. (thanks PCOS!) A few years ago I lost weight, got down to a size 6, so I'm pretty sensitive about my weight at the moment. I'm calling my goal 'get healthy' but I'm hoping to drop a few pounds. It's a complicated subject. I don't think people should be defined or judged by their weight; I definitely don't think only skinny women are beautiful. But weight around the middle is dangerous, and when I was eating right I felt so much more energetic. And, I'll admit, it was more fun to buy clothes! I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. I want to lose weight for me, not to impress men, but in the back of my mind I know the reality is looks are really important to a lot of guys. (I have dropped about 5 pounds this month, just from the little diet changes I have been able to make.)
As for outdoorsy- where I live, it's what people do. Every other guy on OKC has a picture of himself climbing mountains and fording streams (and on POF, holding a fish they've caught). I want to get outdoors, because I used to like it, because it's the social norm around here (everyone in my family does it but me), because being in nature is good for me. Once a month maybe, nothing extreme.
I assume most men would prefer 'employed' and 'doesn't still live at home' no matter how much hiking I do, so career still needs to be the main focus after health. Or equal to health.
I kinda think 'fixing' myself is less-crazy-inducing if I think about trying to get my life the way I want it to be, rather working towards my idea of what men want anyways. I only need one man to like me, 'just as I am'.
I need to make concrete goals. Hmmm. Does anybody know good goal setting tools? How much should I bite off each week?
Other updates: Turns out no one is showing up for women's soccer. Either I have to gather some players or find a new exercise plan.
Was offered another teaching gig today, on Sunday afternoons. I'll probably take it, but working weekends is no fun.
I watched this documentary about online dating today (found it at the library). It's called "When Strangers Click" It wasn't a particularly well made documentary, I think it was a TV special, but it was interesting. 5 stories, some happy some scary, but mostly positive in the end. The weirdest one was about two people whose characters fell in love in 'Second Life' and then they met in real life and oops! had a baby, and live on opposite sides of the world, but 'live' as a family in 'Second Life' . Remind me not to do that. I wasn't convinced after watching the film that internet dating was great. I was reminded how deeply weird it is, actually. Would much prefer not to have to do it.
I've had two 'hey how you doing?' cheesy pick-up messages this week. "Do you believe in lust at first sight? jk" I've also had an-out-of-town guy talk to me about Fraggles (my profile has a Fraggle reference) and a scrawny long haired art student started a fairly technical conversation about art. He sent me a link to his work and it was all sexy comic book women. Also his profile said he didn't want a relationship, just someone to sit next to him and draw while he drew. I stopped answering after two messages.
Well this post was all over the place. I suspect putting on my 'Dancing with the Stars' workout video and attempting to salsa would have been a more productive use of my evening, but too late for that.
Anyways, here's what I was writing:
I want to be an arts administrator, so being a professional artist will help. It's hard to know how to get there because the kind of work I want to do (public/ community art programs, classes, festivals) is still a relatively new field (where I am, anyways.) People who have the jobs I want were working artists who just happened to be around 30 years ago when things were getting going, and they never left. Now, there's a lot more pieces of paper you're supposed to have, more hoops to jump through. Basically I need supervisory and admin experience, handling a budget, managing a database...Not sure how to get started in that. I've basically gone back to teaching kids just for the work, but it was what I was doing before going back to school. I don't want to give up my art practice.
As for going out and doing things, most of my meet-ups are art, environment or outdoor related (a hiking group). I did join some more general social ones (board games and movies) but I'm not planning to attend anything just yet. I'm focusing on the ones that are 'good' for me and meeting people will just be a secondary goal.
I don't work a 40 hour workweek surrounded by people; I'm often at home alone so I need to go out or go crazy! I might be able to accept celibacy for a while, but not a total lack of a social life. Despite all these things I'm signed up for, I'm still spending most Friday and Saturday nights at home. Volunteering and joining clubs has really changed my life- it put me in control of my own fun, my own challenges, and has brought me good friends (and I'm not someone who has a lot of friends!) new experiences and even some paid gigs.
I've read so many dating profiles- I feel like I'm getting a sense of what men want. 'Takes care of herself' is the euphemism for 'not fat'. I'm a size 12. I carry my weight around my middle. (thanks PCOS!) A few years ago I lost weight, got down to a size 6, so I'm pretty sensitive about my weight at the moment. I'm calling my goal 'get healthy' but I'm hoping to drop a few pounds. It's a complicated subject. I don't think people should be defined or judged by their weight; I definitely don't think only skinny women are beautiful. But weight around the middle is dangerous, and when I was eating right I felt so much more energetic. And, I'll admit, it was more fun to buy clothes! I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. I want to lose weight for me, not to impress men, but in the back of my mind I know the reality is looks are really important to a lot of guys. (I have dropped about 5 pounds this month, just from the little diet changes I have been able to make.)
As for outdoorsy- where I live, it's what people do. Every other guy on OKC has a picture of himself climbing mountains and fording streams (and on POF, holding a fish they've caught). I want to get outdoors, because I used to like it, because it's the social norm around here (everyone in my family does it but me), because being in nature is good for me. Once a month maybe, nothing extreme.
I assume most men would prefer 'employed' and 'doesn't still live at home' no matter how much hiking I do, so career still needs to be the main focus after health. Or equal to health.
I kinda think 'fixing' myself is less-crazy-inducing if I think about trying to get my life the way I want it to be, rather working towards my idea of what men want anyways. I only need one man to like me, 'just as I am'.
“We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Dr. Seuss
I need to make concrete goals. Hmmm. Does anybody know good goal setting tools? How much should I bite off each week?
Other updates: Turns out no one is showing up for women's soccer. Either I have to gather some players or find a new exercise plan.
Was offered another teaching gig today, on Sunday afternoons. I'll probably take it, but working weekends is no fun.
I watched this documentary about online dating today (found it at the library). It's called "When Strangers Click" It wasn't a particularly well made documentary, I think it was a TV special, but it was interesting. 5 stories, some happy some scary, but mostly positive in the end. The weirdest one was about two people whose characters fell in love in 'Second Life' and then they met in real life and oops! had a baby, and live on opposite sides of the world, but 'live' as a family in 'Second Life' . Remind me not to do that. I wasn't convinced after watching the film that internet dating was great. I was reminded how deeply weird it is, actually. Would much prefer not to have to do it.
I've had two 'hey how you doing?' cheesy pick-up messages this week. "Do you believe in lust at first sight? jk" I've also had an-out-of-town guy talk to me about Fraggles (my profile has a Fraggle reference) and a scrawny long haired art student started a fairly technical conversation about art. He sent me a link to his work and it was all sexy comic book women. Also his profile said he didn't want a relationship, just someone to sit next to him and draw while he drew. I stopped answering after two messages.
Well this post was all over the place. I suspect putting on my 'Dancing with the Stars' workout video and attempting to salsa would have been a more productive use of my evening, but too late for that.
Tuesday 12 March 2013
Even More Blathering Whilst I Figure Out a Plan
Tonight I went to a meeting about a group trying to reduce garbage and waste in my city. Loved it. Only nine people at the meeting, and surprisingly mostly young (and stylish!) people. I think I'll stick with it. Other people who care about garbage! Eeeeeeee!
I took a lazy day today, other than the meeting. Felt tired and needed to do quiet things. I hope that was the right thing to do. Thought a lot about what I wrote last night and what I'm going to focus on.
My brain helpfully decided to summarize why I'm single (and this could also be applied to 'unemployed'):
Either I'm doing something wrong, or there's something inherently wrong with me, or I just have really bad luck. All of those options are rather hopeless and depressing. Not sure which one I'd prefer it to be.
Doing something wrong: at least I can change it once I figure out what it is- just have to regret all the years I went around completely clueless.
Something wrong with me (or slightly softer wording- some personal growth and learning yet to obtain): possibly the worst option. Goes back to what I said about me constantly thinking I need to change myself (or in the career field, take more expensive classes and training.)
Bad luck? I'm blameless, but also powerless against the random workings of the universe.
The question of why I haven't dated is always (ALWAYS!) on my mind. Perhaps it's not valuable to examine it anymore.
I can't change the past. I think I'm ready for a relationship, regardless of where I am in other areas of life.
My little nephew, almost 2 now, isn't speaking, while my niece is three months younger and is putting together short phrases. His mother has taken him to speech therapy and been made to feel like a bad mother, and is a little concerned, yes, but mostly because other people are fussing about it. She knows he's smart (and sociable, and not exhibiting any signs of autism). She thinks he's just a late bloomer, figuring it all out in his head, and one day language will come pouring out, and will grow exponentially from there.
So I figure the same thing's gonna happen to me. I've put in my time volunteering and joining clubs and building a new social circle, and always observing and learning from every situation I'm in. It's all going to come to fruition soon.
So as for what to do next- there's changing yourself, and then there's changing your habits. Or your time management. Or your commitments. Having goals to work towards gives life meaning- it can make you happy, even if you don't always reach them. (Just trying to frame it positively rather than 'there's so much work to do'!)
It's really hard to pick what to focus on. Art- is it my career or my hobby? Sometimes it feels like it's health. Draw or get heartsick! Joining a hiking group is exercise and social time and who knows? - could even lead to a date or a job opportunity. Any time I'm with people there is a potential for networking socially and professionally. So the lines get a little blurry.
And some habits are already started and need to be maintained...hmmm.
First off, I think I'll make a rule for myself. If I sign into OKC for more than 10 minutes, I either have to message someone or write someone back. No more voyeuristic browsing late at night, because that's lame.
At first I thought 'health' but I can't just take a month's holiday to exercise and meditate and drink smoothies, although that might be nice. I've had to deal with a chronic cough, anemia, a bad back, weird bladder problems, and the ever-constant PCOS, along with the usual colds, flus and headaches. I am often fatigued, so health is a good thing to focus on, but I can't stop my life.
I think I need to do Kegel exercises for the bladder problem, and they will also help with relaxing muscles during sex, when we get to that. That needs to be done twice daily. And I'm going to try soccer this week, so if I try to walk my dog a little bit more vigorously, that's probably a good start for exercise.
Eating right- hmm. For the PCOS, a low-glycemic index diet is recommended, but I have to be careful I don't drop carbs all together. When I did it before I tended to eat a lot of high fat foods, although I still lost a lot of weight. Same with vegetarianism, sure I'm not eating meat but I'm eating cheese and dairy with every meal! This might take several months to really get on track, with additional research needed. I should keep the food diary going and note how many meals include meat, dairy, eggs or are completely vegan. Possibly should get food sensitivity testing done.
Career- to be honest, I don't know what to do next for this one. I will keep applying for jobs as they come up. I have at least a two week reprieve while I do this next gig. I could take more classes, get more certifications. I'm torn between getting a day job in admin and trying to make a living as an artist. I'd like to do both. Lately art has been a slow trickle of income- how can I increase that? That is probably a 3-6 month project to get started, and then major maintenance needed from then on. I suck at hustling!
Hmmm. Maybe the theme of this month is just time management and balance. Slowly add exercise and drawing, slowly feel better. Continue to try new things, activities, clubs, volunteering, and pick which ones are worth committing to. Start the new job, finish leadership class, I'll be keeping busy.
This is sounding like the vague plan I've been following since I graduated school! Progress has gone up and down, but slowly moving in the right direction? I am so reluctant to put metrics to my goals, to define them measurably. And I never meet them, but I never fail! And yet I spend a lot of time writing out goals and making daily schedules. (This post has taken over an hour.)
Sigh!
I took a lazy day today, other than the meeting. Felt tired and needed to do quiet things. I hope that was the right thing to do. Thought a lot about what I wrote last night and what I'm going to focus on.
My brain helpfully decided to summarize why I'm single (and this could also be applied to 'unemployed'):
Either I'm doing something wrong, or there's something inherently wrong with me, or I just have really bad luck. All of those options are rather hopeless and depressing. Not sure which one I'd prefer it to be.
Doing something wrong: at least I can change it once I figure out what it is- just have to regret all the years I went around completely clueless.
Something wrong with me (or slightly softer wording- some personal growth and learning yet to obtain): possibly the worst option. Goes back to what I said about me constantly thinking I need to change myself (or in the career field, take more expensive classes and training.)
Bad luck? I'm blameless, but also powerless against the random workings of the universe.
The question of why I haven't dated is always (ALWAYS!) on my mind. Perhaps it's not valuable to examine it anymore.
I can't change the past. I think I'm ready for a relationship, regardless of where I am in other areas of life.
My little nephew, almost 2 now, isn't speaking, while my niece is three months younger and is putting together short phrases. His mother has taken him to speech therapy and been made to feel like a bad mother, and is a little concerned, yes, but mostly because other people are fussing about it. She knows he's smart (and sociable, and not exhibiting any signs of autism). She thinks he's just a late bloomer, figuring it all out in his head, and one day language will come pouring out, and will grow exponentially from there.
So I figure the same thing's gonna happen to me. I've put in my time volunteering and joining clubs and building a new social circle, and always observing and learning from every situation I'm in. It's all going to come to fruition soon.
So as for what to do next- there's changing yourself, and then there's changing your habits. Or your time management. Or your commitments. Having goals to work towards gives life meaning- it can make you happy, even if you don't always reach them. (Just trying to frame it positively rather than 'there's so much work to do'!)
It's really hard to pick what to focus on. Art- is it my career or my hobby? Sometimes it feels like it's health. Draw or get heartsick! Joining a hiking group is exercise and social time and who knows? - could even lead to a date or a job opportunity. Any time I'm with people there is a potential for networking socially and professionally. So the lines get a little blurry.
And some habits are already started and need to be maintained...hmmm.
First off, I think I'll make a rule for myself. If I sign into OKC for more than 10 minutes, I either have to message someone or write someone back. No more voyeuristic browsing late at night, because that's lame.
At first I thought 'health' but I can't just take a month's holiday to exercise and meditate and drink smoothies, although that might be nice. I've had to deal with a chronic cough, anemia, a bad back, weird bladder problems, and the ever-constant PCOS, along with the usual colds, flus and headaches. I am often fatigued, so health is a good thing to focus on, but I can't stop my life.
I think I need to do Kegel exercises for the bladder problem, and they will also help with relaxing muscles during sex, when we get to that. That needs to be done twice daily. And I'm going to try soccer this week, so if I try to walk my dog a little bit more vigorously, that's probably a good start for exercise.
Eating right- hmm. For the PCOS, a low-glycemic index diet is recommended, but I have to be careful I don't drop carbs all together. When I did it before I tended to eat a lot of high fat foods, although I still lost a lot of weight. Same with vegetarianism, sure I'm not eating meat but I'm eating cheese and dairy with every meal! This might take several months to really get on track, with additional research needed. I should keep the food diary going and note how many meals include meat, dairy, eggs or are completely vegan. Possibly should get food sensitivity testing done.
Career- to be honest, I don't know what to do next for this one. I will keep applying for jobs as they come up. I have at least a two week reprieve while I do this next gig. I could take more classes, get more certifications. I'm torn between getting a day job in admin and trying to make a living as an artist. I'd like to do both. Lately art has been a slow trickle of income- how can I increase that? That is probably a 3-6 month project to get started, and then major maintenance needed from then on. I suck at hustling!
Hmmm. Maybe the theme of this month is just time management and balance. Slowly add exercise and drawing, slowly feel better. Continue to try new things, activities, clubs, volunteering, and pick which ones are worth committing to. Start the new job, finish leadership class, I'll be keeping busy.
This is sounding like the vague plan I've been following since I graduated school! Progress has gone up and down, but slowly moving in the right direction? I am so reluctant to put metrics to my goals, to define them measurably. And I never meet them, but I never fail! And yet I spend a lot of time writing out goals and making daily schedules. (This post has taken over an hour.)
Sigh!
More blathering
I just write to keep the craziness at bay.
I have passed through (hopefully am fully through and over) a brief phase of anger at Newfie. Anger that he wasn't generous with himself, didn't share much and didn't dance. Telling me how polite he was being by going fifteen minutes out of his way to see me home!
He was fairly sociable, but he just seemed bored by the whole thing, even as he said it was 'cool'. Let's face it, he was a bit of a poohead that day.
Trying to please someone and feeling like it's not working and you have no idea why- I was getting more and more anxious.
Rather wishing I didn't ask to see him again just for my own dignity, but what can you do? It doesn't really matter in the end.
At least I got up and danced without him. I'm glad I did what I wanted at that moment.
Sigh. It seemed to have so much potential the first meeting. It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. I need to realize he needs to be right for me as well. Also that this is part of dating, and that I've rejected men too. Not a lot, but I have and I didn't handle it any better!
Hopefully this is the last time I will mention Newfie.
I am wondering what to do next. I have said I was going to work on career, health, moving out, art...but I think about finding love until I'm nearly driven mad. It's like I have to learn to juggle all these balls at once, when I should be adding one at a time- but which one first? None of them can wait.
I'm tired of feeling embarrassed about my life. Tired of apologizing and making excuses for where I am. Being confidant and independent is pretty sexy, so I've heard.
I would like to be able to stick to my resolution of focusing on Everything-But-Dating, but I've been hurt by Walrus and want something to fill that hole.
I've poured through the top 15% of matches on OKC and am hard pressed to find three men I would like to contact. Then I looked on Plenty of Fish but the 'matches' seem totally random and basically a bunch of thugs! I don't want to use the internet to date- it has its good points but the relationship always begins with a fantasy. I have this idea that I should get out as much as possible and do what I like and something's bound to happen.
I've signed up for so many Meetup Groups- my inbox is already full of email updates. I will have to cull a few groups in the next few weeks.
I did think of starting a support group for PCOS. There are about 40 women in my area interested in joining one, but no one's started one yet. But I thought it would turn into an infertility support group, and I don't want to be in charge of that. Also Meetup would put it in my profile that I was in said group, and everyone in all my other groups would know I had PCOS. Great.
I am thinking a lot this week about how I want to live, and how I want to spend my time. On a practical level, which extracurricular activities are going to be the most beneficial for me?
I told my friend today about how horrible dating is and how hard it is to meet people and she said, 'But you're involved with so much...it's not like you're not putting yourself out there.'
On a slightly deeper level, from my internet research of the profiles of single men, guys who are into the environment are (usually) also into being outdoors, being active and being vegetarian. I am not. I am sorta working on being vegetarian. Theoretically I like the outdoors but never get there. So just gotta do a check-in with myself about what I value and what I think is fun and what's just old habits. I don't want to set out to change my life because I think it will make me more attractive to men, but maybe I will find out that's who I'm ready to be right now. It's like....do you ever watch 'What Not to Wear'? (It's a make-over show, for those not in North America.) At the end, the dowdy people all like their stylish new image and change themselves to fit it. And that's empowering I suppose, but I always feel a bit sad that the person they were is gone and the world is a bit more boring.
Me going hiking and appreciating nature is a very different change from me dyeing my hair and wearing designer heels, but I just want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Because the danger is that if I tell myself I have to change everything about myself, that I need to hike or lose weight or whatever, then I might have a breakdown. Is there nothing lovable about me right now? I don't need to 'fix' myself every minute of every day.
To pat myself on the back, I was at a great workshop today about community building and I have a few other new experiences planned for this week. I am learning a lot. I am doing what I can to live life my way.
I have passed through (hopefully am fully through and over) a brief phase of anger at Newfie. Anger that he wasn't generous with himself, didn't share much and didn't dance. Telling me how polite he was being by going fifteen minutes out of his way to see me home!
He was fairly sociable, but he just seemed bored by the whole thing, even as he said it was 'cool'. Let's face it, he was a bit of a poohead that day.
Trying to please someone and feeling like it's not working and you have no idea why- I was getting more and more anxious.
Rather wishing I didn't ask to see him again just for my own dignity, but what can you do? It doesn't really matter in the end.
At least I got up and danced without him. I'm glad I did what I wanted at that moment.
Sigh. It seemed to have so much potential the first meeting. It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. I need to realize he needs to be right for me as well. Also that this is part of dating, and that I've rejected men too. Not a lot, but I have and I didn't handle it any better!
Hopefully this is the last time I will mention Newfie.
I am wondering what to do next. I have said I was going to work on career, health, moving out, art...but I think about finding love until I'm nearly driven mad. It's like I have to learn to juggle all these balls at once, when I should be adding one at a time- but which one first? None of them can wait.
I'm tired of feeling embarrassed about my life. Tired of apologizing and making excuses for where I am. Being confidant and independent is pretty sexy, so I've heard.
I would like to be able to stick to my resolution of focusing on Everything-But-Dating, but I've been hurt by Walrus and want something to fill that hole.
I've poured through the top 15% of matches on OKC and am hard pressed to find three men I would like to contact. Then I looked on Plenty of Fish but the 'matches' seem totally random and basically a bunch of thugs! I don't want to use the internet to date- it has its good points but the relationship always begins with a fantasy. I have this idea that I should get out as much as possible and do what I like and something's bound to happen.
I've signed up for so many Meetup Groups- my inbox is already full of email updates. I will have to cull a few groups in the next few weeks.
I did think of starting a support group for PCOS. There are about 40 women in my area interested in joining one, but no one's started one yet. But I thought it would turn into an infertility support group, and I don't want to be in charge of that. Also Meetup would put it in my profile that I was in said group, and everyone in all my other groups would know I had PCOS. Great.
I am thinking a lot this week about how I want to live, and how I want to spend my time. On a practical level, which extracurricular activities are going to be the most beneficial for me?
I told my friend today about how horrible dating is and how hard it is to meet people and she said, 'But you're involved with so much...it's not like you're not putting yourself out there.'
On a slightly deeper level, from my internet research of the profiles of single men, guys who are into the environment are (usually) also into being outdoors, being active and being vegetarian. I am not. I am sorta working on being vegetarian. Theoretically I like the outdoors but never get there. So just gotta do a check-in with myself about what I value and what I think is fun and what's just old habits. I don't want to set out to change my life because I think it will make me more attractive to men, but maybe I will find out that's who I'm ready to be right now. It's like....do you ever watch 'What Not to Wear'? (It's a make-over show, for those not in North America.) At the end, the dowdy people all like their stylish new image and change themselves to fit it. And that's empowering I suppose, but I always feel a bit sad that the person they were is gone and the world is a bit more boring.
Me going hiking and appreciating nature is a very different change from me dyeing my hair and wearing designer heels, but I just want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Because the danger is that if I tell myself I have to change everything about myself, that I need to hike or lose weight or whatever, then I might have a breakdown. Is there nothing lovable about me right now? I don't need to 'fix' myself every minute of every day.
To pat myself on the back, I was at a great workshop today about community building and I have a few other new experiences planned for this week. I am learning a lot. I am doing what I can to live life my way.
Saturday 9 March 2013
Body Language
I'm a little bit stung by Newfie's rejection, polite as it was, but I didn't cry and I think I'll move on quickly. I am more upset at myself for getting an Attack of the Shys when we met up that morning. The lack of a hug when he greeted me really threw me off. Hence the body language discussion- that 5 second physical act might have changed the whole tone of the day.
This morning we covered Conflict Resolution in my community leadership class and we had a really great guest speaker. I'd love to go into all the stuff we learned, as a lot of it could be applied to personal relationships, partners, family, children etc. I'm just going to quickly capture my thoughts on what he said about body language and listening, since he talked about them as they apply to dating.
Body language is 60% of the conversation, possibly more. When you're in sync, your body language will be similar to the person you're talking to. It shouldn't be a perfect mirror, because they will pick up on the creepiness of that, but most likely subconsciously you will lean forward when they do, cross your legs when they do, if the conversation is going well. It's called matching. When we say, "I like you", we really mean, "I am like you." (or so said this guy today.) Matching body language signals that you are similar to others in the group.
(This doesn't work for a kid/adult conversation because the adult is big and overpowering. Get low down, side by side with a kid and don't look at them and they'll tell you anything.)
Then we talked about listening. Listening to someone is a gift. Everybody wants to be listened to, and they will start to value you, the listener, more over time, because if you are more valuable to them, the rewards of having you listen to them grow greater as well. Does that make sense? The speaker explained it better. Basically, people will start to like you more and more and they won't know why, if you are a good listener.
We did an exercise where we had to tell a partner about something we loved, and our partner had to deliberately ignore us, look away, play with their phone...it felt awful. Then we did one where we had to show we were listening and it felt amazing.
Eye contact is so important.
Not to dwell on it, but I think on the date, circumstances prevented us from having eye contact. We were always sitting or walking side by side, or because of the way the tables were arranged around the stage, at one point I was sitting behind him. When we actually faced each other at lunch I remember being surprised by the eye contact. I think I looked away. Anyways, long story short, there wasn't much opportunity for deep listening or matching body language, so it's not surprising there was no spark. I don't know if a different activity for the date could have convinced him we were a match, but I will keep it in mind for a learning experience. If I get feeling shy enough, my body language reveals this, and I start to mumble. I only did it a few times that day, and caught myself. Overcoming shyness has been a long haul for me...
I need to not feel apologetic for who I am, and be myself. Give that person my attention, without faking it. Be clearly enthusiastic. Match what they do.
Ugh. I hate dating. But I am determined to do it. I joined a bunch of Meetup groups this morning and I will try to attend at least one event from each group. I will try and do one new outing weekly, whether it's one of these group events or going to a cafe by myself for some sketching. If I do everything I'm planning this week, I'll go to life drawing, a zero waste event, women's soccer, and an urban sketching club next weekend. Plenty of new experiences! Life drawing isn't new, I just haven't been in a while. All of these things are Capital-G-Good for me or reflect my interests so even if I don't meet people, I'll benefit.
Take risks, try new things. It's exhausting! Hopefully I'll find some things that I'll stick with long term.
Keep on truckin', Eleanor. Keep on truckin'.
This morning we covered Conflict Resolution in my community leadership class and we had a really great guest speaker. I'd love to go into all the stuff we learned, as a lot of it could be applied to personal relationships, partners, family, children etc. I'm just going to quickly capture my thoughts on what he said about body language and listening, since he talked about them as they apply to dating.
Body language is 60% of the conversation, possibly more. When you're in sync, your body language will be similar to the person you're talking to. It shouldn't be a perfect mirror, because they will pick up on the creepiness of that, but most likely subconsciously you will lean forward when they do, cross your legs when they do, if the conversation is going well. It's called matching. When we say, "I like you", we really mean, "I am like you." (or so said this guy today.) Matching body language signals that you are similar to others in the group.
(This doesn't work for a kid/adult conversation because the adult is big and overpowering. Get low down, side by side with a kid and don't look at them and they'll tell you anything.)
Then we talked about listening. Listening to someone is a gift. Everybody wants to be listened to, and they will start to value you, the listener, more over time, because if you are more valuable to them, the rewards of having you listen to them grow greater as well. Does that make sense? The speaker explained it better. Basically, people will start to like you more and more and they won't know why, if you are a good listener.
We did an exercise where we had to tell a partner about something we loved, and our partner had to deliberately ignore us, look away, play with their phone...it felt awful. Then we did one where we had to show we were listening and it felt amazing.
Eye contact is so important.
Not to dwell on it, but I think on the date, circumstances prevented us from having eye contact. We were always sitting or walking side by side, or because of the way the tables were arranged around the stage, at one point I was sitting behind him. When we actually faced each other at lunch I remember being surprised by the eye contact. I think I looked away. Anyways, long story short, there wasn't much opportunity for deep listening or matching body language, so it's not surprising there was no spark. I don't know if a different activity for the date could have convinced him we were a match, but I will keep it in mind for a learning experience. If I get feeling shy enough, my body language reveals this, and I start to mumble. I only did it a few times that day, and caught myself. Overcoming shyness has been a long haul for me...
I need to not feel apologetic for who I am, and be myself. Give that person my attention, without faking it. Be clearly enthusiastic. Match what they do.
Ugh. I hate dating. But I am determined to do it. I joined a bunch of Meetup groups this morning and I will try to attend at least one event from each group. I will try and do one new outing weekly, whether it's one of these group events or going to a cafe by myself for some sketching. If I do everything I'm planning this week, I'll go to life drawing, a zero waste event, women's soccer, and an urban sketching club next weekend. Plenty of new experiences! Life drawing isn't new, I just haven't been in a while. All of these things are Capital-G-Good for me or reflect my interests so even if I don't meet people, I'll benefit.
Take risks, try new things. It's exhausting! Hopefully I'll find some things that I'll stick with long term.
Keep on truckin', Eleanor. Keep on truckin'.
Friday 8 March 2013
What Newfie said
No.
He wrote a very nice message, and thanked me for two fun outing, but 'just isn't feeling a spark'
He wrote a very nice message, and thanked me for two fun outing, but 'just isn't feeling a spark'
What Eleanor Did
I had a long talk with my sister this morning and she said Newfie was probably just as confused as I was, since I don't send clear signals either. And one date isn't worth giving up hope over, there was a month of chatting that went really well.
She said our family, being fairly smart people, are used to succeeding easily, at school at least, and usually work, and we get really frustrated and give up easily. We all tend to suck at taking risks and letting ourselves be uncomfortable.
So I wrote to Newfie just now, and was positive and clearly asked to see him again, although at an unspecified date. I asked if we could get together for a book chat when he finishes reading the book I bought him, as a nice finish to the 'game' of exchanging favourite books. I figured books had been a successful topic so why not go back to it?
Place your bets. What are the odds on a third date?
She said our family, being fairly smart people, are used to succeeding easily, at school at least, and usually work, and we get really frustrated and give up easily. We all tend to suck at taking risks and letting ourselves be uncomfortable.
So I wrote to Newfie just now, and was positive and clearly asked to see him again, although at an unspecified date. I asked if we could get together for a book chat when he finishes reading the book I bought him, as a nice finish to the 'game' of exchanging favourite books. I figured books had been a successful topic so why not go back to it?
Place your bets. What are the odds on a third date?
to send or not to send
ok I got out of bed at 11:30pm, having composed a message in my head to Newfie that I just had to send to him. I chickened out, and I'm going to write it here. I'll read it again in the morning. Feel free to stop me if you think sending it is a bad idea.
"Hi Newfie,
I'm going to be uncool and write twice in a row because I realized my last message sounds way more negative than I meant it to be. I had a good time on Sunday- I was worried you didn't. It did feel very platonic, which I was a bit bummed about, because that wasn't what I was going for, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'm glad we got to meet after almost crossing paths a few times. The book you picked for me was awesome and I found (another book you mentioned) at the library. Since we're probably the equivalent of second cousins or something in the (Festival we both volunteered at) Family, and we like a lot of the same stuff, I'd say we're friends, yeah? Can I still take you up on that offer to see (show in two months time)?
-Eleanor"
"Hi Newfie,
I'm going to be uncool and write twice in a row because I realized my last message sounds way more negative than I meant it to be. I had a good time on Sunday- I was worried you didn't. It did feel very platonic, which I was a bit bummed about, because that wasn't what I was going for, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'm glad we got to meet after almost crossing paths a few times. The book you picked for me was awesome and I found (another book you mentioned) at the library. Since we're probably the equivalent of second cousins or something in the (Festival we both volunteered at) Family, and we like a lot of the same stuff, I'd say we're friends, yeah? Can I still take you up on that offer to see (show in two months time)?
-Eleanor"
Thursday 7 March 2013
Hoping like a dope
Newfie didn't answer. I still have a tiny bit of hope, but mostly I'm going through the Rejection Blues.
Oh well. It was still progress for me to get that far.
I liked him, but somehow couldn't imagine bringing him unto my messy house, my scattered life....some people I just trust not to judge, and I didn't get that feeling with him. I need someone with sensitivity, someone who's failed and gotten back up again... I don't know. Some magic quality that I'm looking for and not finding.
I'm really going crazy. Crazy crazy crazy with longing for someone who picks me. For a relationship that feels right and healthy and fun. I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.
Desperately combing OKC for someone to Crush on next. Or even three people I think I wouldn't mind meeting and forcing myself to write....I'm too picky. I am unmoved and uninterested by them all. Just want somebody to throw all my hopes at- even if they're going to get squashed later, there'll be a few days or weeks of having something to look forward to and dream about. Because looking around and not finding any potential meetable people anywhere is terrifying. I want something so badly and I don't know where to start looking.
Finding dates is Problem One. Telling them about where I am in life at present is Problem Two. Telling them about my difficulties with intercourse is Problem Three.
After hearing Newfie talk about his sports and fitness activities, I went and looked for some I could join. Found a women's indoor soccer drop-in near my house, so will try that next week. I will have no free evenings and no money but I have to exercise. And that sparked a renewed resolve in me- if I don't want to feel embarrassed about my life, then I have to do whatever it takes to change it. It will take time, but I need to keep looking for work, and be professional and top of my game at the jobs I do have lined up. I need to make sure all volunteering and extracurricular activities I'm involved in are a good use of my time. I need to eat right and get active and lose these extra pounds I didn't use to have. I might need to think about my appearance more. And clean the bloody house.
And stay positive and hopeful and try hard not to be cynical and bitter.
A song to hope by, sung by the adorable Blossom Dearie.
Pretending that we'll meet,
everytime I turn the corner
Pretending life is sweet,
Cause love's around the corner,
I walk a little faster
Can't begin to see my future shine, as yet
No sign, as yet, you are mine, as yet.
Rushing to a face I cant define, as yet.
Keep bumping into walls, and taking lots of falls
And even though I meet 'round each and every corner,
with nothing but disaster.
I set my chin a little higher,I hope a little longer
Build a little stronger castle in the air
And thinking you'll be there,
I walk a little faster
Oh well. It was still progress for me to get that far.
I liked him, but somehow couldn't imagine bringing him unto my messy house, my scattered life....some people I just trust not to judge, and I didn't get that feeling with him. I need someone with sensitivity, someone who's failed and gotten back up again... I don't know. Some magic quality that I'm looking for and not finding.
I'm really going crazy. Crazy crazy crazy with longing for someone who picks me. For a relationship that feels right and healthy and fun. I HAVE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.
Desperately combing OKC for someone to Crush on next. Or even three people I think I wouldn't mind meeting and forcing myself to write....I'm too picky. I am unmoved and uninterested by them all. Just want somebody to throw all my hopes at- even if they're going to get squashed later, there'll be a few days or weeks of having something to look forward to and dream about. Because looking around and not finding any potential meetable people anywhere is terrifying. I want something so badly and I don't know where to start looking.
Finding dates is Problem One. Telling them about where I am in life at present is Problem Two. Telling them about my difficulties with intercourse is Problem Three.
After hearing Newfie talk about his sports and fitness activities, I went and looked for some I could join. Found a women's indoor soccer drop-in near my house, so will try that next week. I will have no free evenings and no money but I have to exercise. And that sparked a renewed resolve in me- if I don't want to feel embarrassed about my life, then I have to do whatever it takes to change it. It will take time, but I need to keep looking for work, and be professional and top of my game at the jobs I do have lined up. I need to make sure all volunteering and extracurricular activities I'm involved in are a good use of my time. I need to eat right and get active and lose these extra pounds I didn't use to have. I might need to think about my appearance more. And clean the bloody house.
And stay positive and hopeful and try hard not to be cynical and bitter.
Pretending that we'll meet,
everytime I turn the corner
Pretending life is sweet,
Cause love's around the corner,
I walk a little faster
Can't begin to see my future shine, as yet
No sign, as yet, you are mine, as yet.
Rushing to a face I cant define, as yet.
Keep bumping into walls, and taking lots of falls
And even though I meet 'round each and every corner,
with nothing but disaster.
I set my chin a little higher,I hope a little longer
Build a little stronger castle in the air
And thinking you'll be there,
I walk a little faster
Tuesday 5 March 2013
I don't get it
Lately I feel like I don't understand anything about how the world works.
I went back to OKCupid to see if there was someone else I could write to. Ah, here's a suitable candidate, but his profile doesn't say much- perhaps I'll look at his answers to the personality questions. Has done drugs in the past, has been in a threesome? Perhaps not who I'm looking for.
I see quite a lot of people on OKC who are into the kinkier sex stuff and it always surprises me. The world seems a lot more complicated and even a little scarier after I'm exposed to stuff like that. Is it really as common as all that?
Do you ever look at the people around and try to guess when they lost their virginity, or try to imagine them having sex? I can't do it. My life is so asexual that I can't imagine ordinary people having sex as part of their lives. I guess it can be reversed- everybody assumes everybody else is like them. I'm not sure anybody looks at me and guesses I'm (practically) virgin.
I got another little job today- just a two week gig. Hourly pay is less than half of what I used to get.
Ugh. I'm feeling very low right now. The strain of not working and not finding a relationship is really getting to me. I'm employed now, but it's such crummy pay it hurts to have to accept the job and be grateful for it.
And from facebook I can see that several friends have broken up with their significant others, in the time after Walrus and I broke up, and have moved on and found new people. Meanwhile, I went on three dates in eight months. Even Walrus found somebody. Why don't I meet people?
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? LIKE A BROKEN RECORD.
I should explain that just now I decided to write to Newfie. I talked to Instafriend; she suggested I say something like 'I am getting platonic vibes from you and I just want to check if that's what you're sending out before I end this budding relationship.' She said a guy once asked her out and there was no physical contact for a month and she ended it, but later found out he was waiting for clear permission from her, which she thought she was signalling.... And friend in the North said she had a boyfriend that wouldn't kiss her until she put his arm around her on the 4th date.
But, I didn't write any of that. I started to...or then I thought I'd invite him to something specific, and if he turned it down without offering an alternative, I'd know. But I just wrote 'I finished that book you bought me. I liked it. Thanks for coming out to the 'burbs on Sunday. Not sure it was a runaway success but I hope you got something out of it.'
Hey, can you say, 'passive'? I really didn't risk exposing myself at all there...
And facebook has a little checkmark by it to say he's read it- although I suspect that checkmark thing doesn't always work accurately. I think if I look at the message again before the recipient gets it, it gets checked off.
But if he did read it and didn't even write back, then that's pretty crummy.
(What was life like before the internet anyways?)
Right. So at the moment, feeling I've been rejected, although I'm not sure, but am pretty sure. And maybe that's okay, since he couldn't be bothered to dance with me at fun outdoor music festival on a sunny afternoon. But what did I do wrong?
wrong wrong wrong. it feels like everybody else is playing by rules I don't understand.
I googled 'second date' and 'third date' to see what was supposed to be happening at each point. It just made me more overwhelmed.
I went back to OKCupid to see if there was someone else I could write to. Ah, here's a suitable candidate, but his profile doesn't say much- perhaps I'll look at his answers to the personality questions. Has done drugs in the past, has been in a threesome? Perhaps not who I'm looking for.
I see quite a lot of people on OKC who are into the kinkier sex stuff and it always surprises me. The world seems a lot more complicated and even a little scarier after I'm exposed to stuff like that. Is it really as common as all that?
Do you ever look at the people around and try to guess when they lost their virginity, or try to imagine them having sex? I can't do it. My life is so asexual that I can't imagine ordinary people having sex as part of their lives. I guess it can be reversed- everybody assumes everybody else is like them. I'm not sure anybody looks at me and guesses I'm (practically) virgin.
I got another little job today- just a two week gig. Hourly pay is less than half of what I used to get.
Ugh. I'm feeling very low right now. The strain of not working and not finding a relationship is really getting to me. I'm employed now, but it's such crummy pay it hurts to have to accept the job and be grateful for it.
And from facebook I can see that several friends have broken up with their significant others, in the time after Walrus and I broke up, and have moved on and found new people. Meanwhile, I went on three dates in eight months. Even Walrus found somebody. Why don't I meet people?
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? LIKE A BROKEN RECORD.
I should explain that just now I decided to write to Newfie. I talked to Instafriend; she suggested I say something like 'I am getting platonic vibes from you and I just want to check if that's what you're sending out before I end this budding relationship.' She said a guy once asked her out and there was no physical contact for a month and she ended it, but later found out he was waiting for clear permission from her, which she thought she was signalling.... And friend in the North said she had a boyfriend that wouldn't kiss her until she put his arm around her on the 4th date.
But, I didn't write any of that. I started to...or then I thought I'd invite him to something specific, and if he turned it down without offering an alternative, I'd know. But I just wrote 'I finished that book you bought me. I liked it. Thanks for coming out to the 'burbs on Sunday. Not sure it was a runaway success but I hope you got something out of it.'
Hey, can you say, 'passive'? I really didn't risk exposing myself at all there...
And facebook has a little checkmark by it to say he's read it- although I suspect that checkmark thing doesn't always work accurately. I think if I look at the message again before the recipient gets it, it gets checked off.
But if he did read it and didn't even write back, then that's pretty crummy.
(What was life like before the internet anyways?)
Right. So at the moment, feeling I've been rejected, although I'm not sure, but am pretty sure. And maybe that's okay, since he couldn't be bothered to dance with me at fun outdoor music festival on a sunny afternoon. But what did I do wrong?
wrong wrong wrong. it feels like everybody else is playing by rules I don't understand.
I googled 'second date' and 'third date' to see what was supposed to be happening at each point. It just made me more overwhelmed.
Monday 4 March 2013
cranky and discouraged
I'm in such a bad mood this morning. This is probably not a post worth reading.
Funny how my opinion of Newfie has been rewritten in a day; "he's positive" has turned into "he has no emotional depth" and "he has an active social life" has turned into "oh gawd going out every night would be exhausting/ he has no time for a relationship"
I'm exaggerating a little, but similar thoughts crossed my mind.
(If you can't have it, pretend you never wanted it in the first place to protect your disappointed heart.)
I'm sure if he writes to me tonight, my position will completely flip-flop again, ha!
After Walrus moved me into 'platonic friend' zone, I am extremely sensitive about my sex appeal. Why am I not sexy to somebody? PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE A PASS AT ME FOR ONCE.
Newfie seemed to think I was cool at first. Then I had to explain who I am and how I live...
I don't want to be ashamed of my own life anymore. Newfie plays sports three times a week. He asked what I did for exercise. "Ummmm I do a yoga video some mornings and I walk the dog." He tried living in the 'burbs and was bored, so now he lives downtown. I was born in the 'burbs and still live there with my mother. I've been mostly unemployed since last spring, the job I just got is crummy, I'm not making art. I stay home Saturday nights. Even though neither Mom nor I work full-time, we can't manage to keep the house clean. Everything I wear is covered in dog hair and clothes come out of the dryer hairier than when they went in. All the appliances are breaking and the dog needs to go to the vet and the car won't last another year and I want to contribute to the household but can't. I'm still coughing and have no energy and that thing where I have to pee all the time has started up again.
In short, I haven't got my shit together and there's so much work to do I don't know where to start.
Funny how my opinion of Newfie has been rewritten in a day; "he's positive" has turned into "he has no emotional depth" and "he has an active social life" has turned into "oh gawd going out every night would be exhausting/ he has no time for a relationship"
I'm exaggerating a little, but similar thoughts crossed my mind.
(If you can't have it, pretend you never wanted it in the first place to protect your disappointed heart.)
I'm sure if he writes to me tonight, my position will completely flip-flop again, ha!
After Walrus moved me into 'platonic friend' zone, I am extremely sensitive about my sex appeal. Why am I not sexy to somebody? PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE A PASS AT ME FOR ONCE.
Newfie seemed to think I was cool at first. Then I had to explain who I am and how I live...
I don't want to be ashamed of my own life anymore. Newfie plays sports three times a week. He asked what I did for exercise. "Ummmm I do a yoga video some mornings and I walk the dog." He tried living in the 'burbs and was bored, so now he lives downtown. I was born in the 'burbs and still live there with my mother. I've been mostly unemployed since last spring, the job I just got is crummy, I'm not making art. I stay home Saturday nights. Even though neither Mom nor I work full-time, we can't manage to keep the house clean. Everything I wear is covered in dog hair and clothes come out of the dryer hairier than when they went in. All the appliances are breaking and the dog needs to go to the vet and the car won't last another year and I want to contribute to the household but can't. I'm still coughing and have no energy and that thing where I have to pee all the time has started up again.
In short, I haven't got my shit together and there's so much work to do I don't know where to start.
Sunday 3 March 2013
Am I getting friend-zoned?
I just got back from seeing Newfie. I had a good time, not a great time. Still not even a hug!
It was a beautiful sunny day. We went to see festival of music from another culture, so fairly new to both of us. It was way out in the boonies. We met on the bus, so it didn't seem weird not to hug for a greeting. I paid for admission to the festival but he paid me back when he got change. We left for a while and had a walk and talked and found a place for lunch. He asked for separate bills, then asked me if that was okay. We went back to the festival. There was some fun music and people got up to dance. I saw some friends on the dance floor and tried to get him to come up, but he stayed put. I danced with my friends one song, but I have a hard time just letting loose on the dance floor, especially if he was watching, so I went back to sit with him. I doodled a bit on a napkin and we made some chitchat but it's hard to talk over pounding music. I could see him yawning and he said he'd had enough so we left. He could have taken a shorter way home but he took the bus with me the long way, although when I asked if he minded, he said 'Seems the polite thing to do'. Don't be too enthusiastic! He did apologize for being out of it- he had a crazy busy week. We were talking and I nearly missed my stop, and he didn't stand up to hug me as I got off, just said, 'thanks for a fun afternoon.'
I'm disappointed- I thought we might clearly establish that this was a date, and it didn't really feel like one.
He did talk about shows he had planned for the future that I 'was welcome to come to' and books he'd lend me. Conversation was good. The whole day just felt pretty platonic and I sensed that as soon as we paid for festival admission.
So right now it feels like this isn't going to go much further, although I'm not totally giving up hope.
sigh. I don't know how to flirt and I don't know what to do next.
It was a beautiful sunny day. We went to see festival of music from another culture, so fairly new to both of us. It was way out in the boonies. We met on the bus, so it didn't seem weird not to hug for a greeting. I paid for admission to the festival but he paid me back when he got change. We left for a while and had a walk and talked and found a place for lunch. He asked for separate bills, then asked me if that was okay. We went back to the festival. There was some fun music and people got up to dance. I saw some friends on the dance floor and tried to get him to come up, but he stayed put. I danced with my friends one song, but I have a hard time just letting loose on the dance floor, especially if he was watching, so I went back to sit with him. I doodled a bit on a napkin and we made some chitchat but it's hard to talk over pounding music. I could see him yawning and he said he'd had enough so we left. He could have taken a shorter way home but he took the bus with me the long way, although when I asked if he minded, he said 'Seems the polite thing to do'. Don't be too enthusiastic! He did apologize for being out of it- he had a crazy busy week. We were talking and I nearly missed my stop, and he didn't stand up to hug me as I got off, just said, 'thanks for a fun afternoon.'
I'm disappointed- I thought we might clearly establish that this was a date, and it didn't really feel like one.
He did talk about shows he had planned for the future that I 'was welcome to come to' and books he'd lend me. Conversation was good. The whole day just felt pretty platonic and I sensed that as soon as we paid for festival admission.
So right now it feels like this isn't going to go much further, although I'm not totally giving up hope.
sigh. I don't know how to flirt and I don't know what to do next.
Friday 1 March 2013
the longest week...
A week of minor trials and tribulations. The water main on our street was shut off for a day. The cat needed to go to the vet. My cough came back and I went for a chest X-ray. The weather has been depressing.
But every night there is a message from Newfie, and it is the happiest moment of my day. I should try to enjoy the anticipation.
And I am, but I'm also terrified. I want this so much. I can't believe I found someone who seems to check off most things on my list, and is also his own surprising quirky self. And then I tell myself the horrible doubt that I'm not good enough for him.
I've said before, I've never been half a partnership. I've always just been me, alone. So what can I bring to a relationship? Can I hold up my half?
Being unemployed is one thing. That will eventually sort itself out. It's the 'sex is painful for me' thing that is sending me into a panic. When do I tell him?
Eleanor- it's the second date. Just have fun. Don't get ahead of yourself.
But every night there is a message from Newfie, and it is the happiest moment of my day. I should try to enjoy the anticipation.
And I am, but I'm also terrified. I want this so much. I can't believe I found someone who seems to check off most things on my list, and is also his own surprising quirky self. And then I tell myself the horrible doubt that I'm not good enough for him.
I've said before, I've never been half a partnership. I've always just been me, alone. So what can I bring to a relationship? Can I hold up my half?
Being unemployed is one thing. That will eventually sort itself out. It's the 'sex is painful for me' thing that is sending me into a panic. When do I tell him?
Eleanor- it's the second date. Just have fun. Don't get ahead of yourself.
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