The youth camping job, and more musings about my values

I met the other mentors for the youth camp, and I already knew three out of the twelve people.  One from mediation class, one from school, one from volunteering.  I guess my city is small enough that there are only so many young environmental-types, and you're going to start running into the same people.  Especially if you  start narrowing it to environment-and-teaching or environment-and-art.  At the intersection of all those circles -I should draw a Venn diagram- there is me.

It just so happened that the meeting was held at another collective house, because three mentors lived there. It's the theme of the week!  This one was the nicest house, worst location, and had the same eco-ethics of the first one.  I sorta got a sense they weren't quite as strict as that house, but that's just a guess.  They aren't looking for a housemate; it was just interesting to see another one.  The things that were new ideas to me at the first one didn't look as shocking when I encountered them again (in a nicer house!).  But then I could smell pot somewhere in the house, and that's not something I want to live with.

So hard to find where I fit in.  Even meeting these other mentors, and ten of them are vegetarian/vegan...just wondering if I'm going to assimilate to be more like the people in the circles I think I want to move in.  I feel like there's still some separation, not the obvious things like what I choose to eat, but something subtle that says, 'I'm from the suburbs and can't let go of conventionality completely!'

I wish I had a group of friends. I have friends, but they don't know each other and I hang out with them one-on-one.  In college I was in a small department and spent three years with the same fifteen people.  That was the last time I was part of a group.  It's hard to make new friends at this age, when people start to settle down and start families...and I'd guess most people decided on lifestyle and values in college, and probably are becoming mellower, less radical ten years later, while I seem to be doing the opposite!

The people from the summit appeal to me because they have radical ideas but they come from academia or institutions, and tend not to dress like hippies or talk about 'Mother Earth'.  And I respect people who find spirituality in nature, but it doesn't always help the message reach the mainstream.

Wow didn't know I had this much to say this morning.  Over-analyze much?

I tried to write my goals, and they're a bit scattered.  I know what kind of life I want, just really stuck on the big three: job, move out, boyfriend.
I read about Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals (for a company, it's something like 'Be the best widget maker in the world').  What came out for me:  Be needed.  
I almost cried when I wrote that.  At work, at home, with friends and family- I just want a role and to feel needed in it.

This youth camping job is more time commitment than I realized, so it feels like I have a job for the summer, and will still have time to do the community leadership project, work on art, and whatever happens with my social life and looking for a new place.  So maybe I can just hold off on applying for jobs for a while, unless I see something very part time.  If I could make another $150 a week I'd be meeting my income goals, and there's talk of me doing some teaching so I might be close.

Found this article on falling in love.  I don't do it right, haha.  I don't really have sexual feelings for people I've just met, or any kind of instant connection.  Actually, I rarely rarely have crushes.  The article used a Jane Austen quote, (my kind of quote) about people thinking very little of the 'good' in their love interest.  Which is exactly what I tend to do.  'Hey, you're a good person with good morals and you're non-threatening so I will allow myself to pretend I have a crush on you.'   Pretty much my thought process when I met Big Hands.

Good Riddance

Blogging a lot this week...oh well
I've had bad dreams... A recurring dream that I met my ex-best friend Elaine again.  She always wants to be friends again (in the dream) and sometimes I accept that and sometimes I refuse.
And then I dreamt that I got a little package in the mail full of little trinkets and wrapped in a printout of my online dating profile, which turned out to be a gift from a older, married, real estate agent (which somehow explained how he'd found my address?)

Good thing I took the profile down because it was obviously worrying me.

I saw Walrus yesterday.  He wanted to hang out and I had two hours to kill between activities so I said he could meet me downtown.  We went for dinner. Well, I did.  Walrus had two martinis and no food.  Seriously unimpressed.  Hence, the title of this post.  Why did I cry so much for him?

Then I went to a talk about environmental policy, and it was all people I recognized from the summit and Big Hands was there.  Talked to him briefly, he was actually helping to organize the talk so he was busy.  I really enjoyed this group; they meet once a month.

Another little rejection

Now, I'm not too upset because I didn't think it was right for me either, but I got an email this morning from Collective House Two saying they didn't think it was a good fit but it was nice to meet me.  Oh, and they found my art on the internet and liked it.

Sigh.
Do I want feedback from these rejections or not?  For jobs, it might be helpful.  I'd know what training or experience I'm missing.   For dates, for roommates...knowing is probably hurtful.  I wonder if the first impression I give doesn't represent me well.  I tend to get quiet, very polite, a little tiny bit nervous.
Did they think I couldn't pay rent?  Cook well enough?  Were they worried that I'd never lived on my own before?  Oh, the Catch-22 of lack of experience.  Can't get a job, can't get a date, can't move out because I'm supposed to have already done it all by now.

Would like to hide away for a little bit...

I told Carguy no.  I didn't do it very well, but there's no nice way to do it.  He just wrote back, 'Alrighty'.
I'm sorry, dude.  I feel pressure to be nice and accommodating, and also to push myself to meet new people and more practice at dating, but I just didn't want to do it.  Some people think a date where you have no expectations is liberating.  You have nothing to lose, so just be yourself and maybe get a pleasant surprise or a funny story out of the experience.  I just feel really exposed right now with all the interviews and I was dreading it.

I disabled my OKC profile for a bit. I don't really want it out there right now.

I still have a cough, after a bout with a cold last weekend.  I still am getting new spots on my rash.  My mother suggested I get tested for Lupus so now I'm being a hypochondriac.  Well, I do have anemia, fatigue, and problems with my lungs but it's a bit of a stretch.  I would like to know what's behind the anemia.  Gotta get a new doctor.  (I did try, but the nurse said I had to ask my current doctor, which is awkward)
Also in the back of my mind, if I was sick, it would sort of give me an excuse to live with Mom.....

Mom.  I don't really describe her as a character in this blog, but she's a complicated person, very inconsistent.  Smart. Tough, yet passive.  Accepting of situations, hates change.  Terrible housekeeper!

Yesterday there was a family dinner.  My aunt asked me about my day.  Mom was sitting between us, and before I opened my mouth, Mom had answered for me, "She was teaching five-year olds and is tired."
Mom has done this for years and I've never confronted her.

Tired.  Tired.  Tired.
With all the new people I'm meeting, I'm longing for a comfortable chat with an old friend.  Except when I do see someone who's willing to listen, I tend to rant, stuff just pours out, I find myself swearing a lot, which I don't usually do...I try to make cynical funny stories out of the weirdness of my life, but if all I ever talk about is how stupid and apathetic other people are, who's going to want to listen?

I just feel like a mess, and not really in control.  Messy as a roommate, messy emotions, messy use of my energy, trying everything and hitting dead ends.

And I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to get into admin, spending money trying to get the right credentials to get past the gatekeepers of HR departments everywhere.... I spent years learning how to draw.  That is a rarer skill than organizing.  I don't want to waste it.
How can I go be awesome right now with what I have?  How can I make my own opportunity?

Collective House 2

I went to see another House today.  Bit weird, but less of a commitment to a whole new lifestyle.
The housemates are a man in his 50's and a man in his 30's.  His ex is moving in with their 3-month old daughter.  They are separated but are going to live together (in the house, separate rooms) to raise the baby.  So, that's a weird dynamic.

They gave me tea, and let me hold the baby.  Conversation was a bit awkward, until the subject of Dr. Who came up.

The man in his 50s has a funny way of speaking that makes you feel like you've said the wrong thing.  He just pauses for a long time after you've spoken.
The house is a bit messy (which I must say I'm used to).  They do share cooking duties and eat together, (vegan meals if possible) but it's just more casual than the other house.  You do your own dishes, and the cook washes whatever was used to cook the meal.  (I like the other system better- the cook gets a break!)

They showed me the house quickly, the rooms available were a little bit bigger and brighter than the one at the first house. The woman with the baby was an artist, and was setting up a workspace outside so the baby wouldn't breathe the fumes.  I liked her, although she's a bit brassy, and a very different personality than me.

They said they'd let me know by Tuesday.  I don't know how serious I'm taking it.
My dog isn't good around babies, although he learned to calm down around my nephew.
The location for this house is amazing.  I don't know what food is like in this house, but I liked the people better in the first.

It was a busy day.  Earth Day events.  I met Big Hands the economist for the first time, and we made awkward conversation.  Don't know if I have a crush on him but it seems like he's a good person to know in the city.  Recognized quite a few people, so a nice reminder than I'm getting out and doing things.

Carguy still wants to meet and I think I have to just say no.  Which is weird at this point as I've sorta agreed to a meeting.

Just found out about a really cool training program that starts in September but it would be two weekdays a week...hmmmm.

I'm very tired of interviews.  Jobs, housing, dates, I'm always being judged!

mini updates

Remember the job I interviewed for, the one that was unfriendly and I totally bombed? Yeah, they haven't filled the position and have reposted the ad.  Just to add salt to my wounds.  On the bright side, nobody else knew what to do with that kind of interview either!

Going tomorrow to see another collective house.  They want someone immediately, as they have two rooms vacant.  If it was a good fit, I might just pay rent and do a slow move over the month of May.  It would be a big decision.  This one is currently fostering a dog, so my dog could probably come over.  It is closer to Mom's house, so it would be easy to go back 'home' to see my dog and studio.  The housemates are more varied in age, from 3 month old baby to 50-something man.  (My dog isn't great with babies either...so that problem isn't completely solved.)

Saw Walrus today, just went for a walk since I was in his neighbourhood.  It was fine, totally platonic, totally no emotional baggage.  How did that happen and do I get a gold star?

Found out my Community Leadership Project Part Two got a small grant, so now we really have to make it happen!

soooooooo....any minute now all the pieces are going to fall into place and I'll have something resembling a life, yeah?

I went to the collective house

and there's a lot I like about it, but I think deep down it's a no.
I will think about this.  Sleep on it.

I had a tour, and had dinner with the housemates.  They eat dinner together every night, that's part of the community-ness of the house.  Otherwise they do their own thing. The housemates are four men, two women at the moment.  One man is moving out.  Dinner was pasta (rice pasta) and a homemade tomato sauce with beans in it.  There was also some 'braised cabbage' I think they called it, which I liked a lot better than I thought I would.  It was apparently a big deal to have pasta, a processed food! They all cleaned their plates, and I mean clean.  I was having a hard time with the beans- I'm a picky eater and I have a strong gag reflex, so when I don't like something, I really have to force myself to eat it.
I did finish everything on my plate, except for a bay leaf, which I left, and it looked conspicuous next to the other absolutely scraped clean plates.
I ate very slowly, I always do.  I was pretty quiet, taking it all in.  They did ask me questions about my work, why I wanted to live there, and where I live now.  Didn't particularly want to discuss the current living situation, but it is relevant, and they were all very respectful about it.
After dinner they all went into this cleaning routine, everyone had a job, and very quickly had the kitchen spotless.  I was asked to sweep.  Then everyone separated and I stayed with Sam, while she washed some 'scavenged' food found in the grocery store dumpster.  Most of it looked pretty good after she cleaned it.

So, I say I care about the environment.  But what do I do really, other than avoid disposable coffee cups?  These people are buying local, organic food (in bulk), and rescuing food from the dumpster and growing their own in a garden.  The house was a little dark because they only turn the lights on when they need it.  The floor lamp isn't even plugged in until the evening (because electronics draw power if they're plugged in, even if they're turned off)  They put a bucket in the shower with them and save the 'gray water' to flush the toilet with.  That is to say, they don't flush with every use.  If it's yellow, let it mellow...

The pros:  I liked everyone.  I liked the location of the house.  The living room was really welcoming, with art on the walls.  The whole house was neat and clean, except for a few bedrooms.  I like sharing the cooking and eating together.

The maybes:  I actually think I wouldn't mind the toilet system.  And that there's no TV.  Even, maybe, not sure, the 'salvaged food'

The cons:  I'd have a really small room. It could probably fit a bed, and one other thing.  My bookcase, my computer?  I'd have no space to make art, which means I'd have to rent a studio or come back to Mom's.  My dog definitely can't even come visit, and that's maybe a bigger deal than I realized at first.  And I am not really a cat person.

The deal breaker:  Food.  It might just be food.  I had a hard time eating the dinner tonight.  If eating together is a big deal, if wasting food is a big no-no, then me getting through a dinner I don't like is going to be pure torture and socially awkward.  And does peanut butter count as a processed food?  Can I learn to like goat's milk yogurt?

I think living there would be good for me in a lot of ways, but it would be a huge learning curve, and I might be adopting values to go along with the group, rather than because I really share them.  It's certainly eye-opening to see how other people live, and how far I'm really willing to go, what comforts and conveniences I'm willing to give up....

Sam and I did have a chat after the dinner about the unspoken rules of the house.  Are people comfortable with nudity or are they private with their bodies? (They are private.)  What happens if someone is depressed or having a crisis?  Do the other housemates get involved?  (They are just starting to discuss this.  Apparently everyone's been generally stable the past four years.)

I was dying to ask, but didn't: do people have, uh, overnight visitors?  I'm assuming that all six housemates are not celibate.  They did mention the house carried sound, and that there was once a couple of guests in the guest room who were...very very audible one night.
Because one of the biggest cons about living with Mom is that Walrus and I were never able to be alone, and this might not be an improvement.  If I'm ever to have sex, I really don't need 5 housemates listening.

a jumbled day

Had two dates with friend today, both bailed.
Cleaned house instead.

Two people sent me job postings that I don't feel qualified for, but nice of them to think of me.
The youth camping job said they were still deciding.  I thought I didn't get it and sent out a bunch more job applications.  So that's still a possibility.

Had a telephone conversation with Friend in the North about budgets.  She said I was fairly realistic with my initial numbers.  Realized I need to track my income and expenses a lot better, as income is extremely variable from month to month.  Almost had a fight with Friend because she claimed she couldn't afford dental care and having seen what she spent money on, I thought she could.

Had a phone interview with Other Friend from Collective House (ummm we will call her Sam), and got to ask questions about how things work.  That went well.  Last night I woke up panicked that they were all vegan and I wouldn't be able to drink milk anymore.  Sam put my fears to rest- one person is vegan.  They have dairy and eggs in the house, and sometimes meat, just not for shared meals.

Sam has met my dog, and she was really concerned that I'd be leaving him.  The house has a cat, and my dog just can't handle cats.  But other than that, a good fit.
She mentioned that drinking alcohol was a rare occurrence in the house.  That would suit me.  And at the moment, there's sort of a no-spicy food agreement, which also suits me.
 I am to go to dinner this week to meet everyone.

I told my Mom.  She didn't say anything, only that she'd keep Charlie.

Almost positive, maybe

Ok, not taking the online class that starts today.  That's decided.

Last night I found an article (on one of those cheesy I-blog-for-money sites) that said write all your goals, anything, and then pick the one you can do this year that will make the biggest impact in your life.

MOVE OUT.  It's so clear.
Change environment, change habits.

I'd lose my practically-zero living expenses, space to make and store my art, time with my dog....
I'd worry about Mom keeping up the house on her own, especially if the dog stays with her, which I think is most likely to happen.  And the piano...not that I play very well, but I'd miss it.

I'd gain independence, adult responsibilities and self respect. I'd be closer to town, I'd (maybe) be near people my age, and interesting places to people-watch.  If I do the collective housing thing, I'd be vegetarian every meal eaten there, since that's house rules.

Ahhhhhhh....31 and still don't feel ready.

It's a two part goal, really.  Get an income, move out.  Or move out, and hope to get an income.

So...how to make it happen?  And...a deadline?

Next thing I'm thinking about:  HIDE ONLINE DATING PROFILE.  I think it's just making me sad.  I'm not even getting visitors to my profile, because it's been up for nine months.  (Oh, except someone called LOVESPANTYHOSE visited yesterday, great.)  I spend too much time on the internet as it is, and it would be a lot more meaningful to me to meet someone out there in the real world.  And maybe I just need to work on my own life so that I'm not embarrassed to tell people about my situation.  I can always open it up again, or start a new profile without the ridiculous username.

Can't decide, does nothing

Day two being sick.  It's just a cold, but a nasty one.  I get cabin-fever when I don't leave the house.

I feel like I'm wasting time.  There's always something I could be doing, from the prosaic (clean the house) to the lofty (somehow make a difference in the world.)  Or draw, or exercise, or somehow generate some income.  I should give away my tv and disconnect the internet!
What have I been doing with my life?  If I'd traveled, or partied, my twenties away, and then woke up to find everyone else my age had careers and families-- well at least I could say I'd lived, had some experiences.
I think I spent the last ten years doing online jigsaw puzzles and watching home decorating shows on tv.  And the last six being mildly to moderately depressed.
Despite all the setbacks and disappointments, I don't feel depressed anymore.  I stay hopeful, even if I'm terrified.  Self confidence needs some work, but at least I'm trying to make changes.  Possibly too many changes.

I think I wrote a long ways back that I was interested in collective housing, a group of adults owning a house together and sharing household expenses and chores.  I hesitated because the people who live in them tend to be further along the hippie spectrum than I am: vegan, New Age-y, even getting food out of supermarket dumpsters.  I'm further along the hippie spectrum than I was a year ago, but still not quite there.
However, an acquaintance/friend who lives in one (and who introduced me to the idea) has a spot coming up in her collective for June.  I was daydreaming that if I got that job (the one I didn't get) I would have enough income to afford it.  And it is a very affordable way to live... I'd learn how to garden!  Chores would be assigned and scheduled for the first time in my life!  I wouldn't have to live alone, I'd have a built-in social circle.

Now, I could just put my name in and hope that I get a steady job in the next two months, or live off my savings until I do...Maybe taking the plunge would force me to get 'proactive' and find creative ways to get an income!  It would certainly change a lot of my habits very quickly, simply from being in a new environment with new expectations.

There is an interview process to get the spot in the house, because you have to gel with the housemates.  They also want someone who can commit to long-term residence (a few years).  Sure, unless I find a life-partner?  And the house has a cat, so I couldn't bring my dog...

Other decisions-  meet Car Guy or not?  Take online course or not?

There's a certificate program I've been thinking about doing for a while, all online.  It will take a year or two to complete, and it would cost $5000 or so.  I already have a degree and a diploma, do I need this?  Can I get the same knowledge through real-world experience instead of through more school?  THE CLASS STARTS MONDAY.  If I'd signed up for a class or two when I first found out about the program I'd be halfway done the certificate by now.  There are two other courses I want to take, a one day Database Management class ($200) and a 6 weeks volunteer management class ($300).  The online class (one of 8 for the certificate program) is almost $500.  I can't afford to do them all.

I'm also trying to buy a bike.  I haven't been on a bike since I was 15.

YES THROW MONEY AT MY PROBLEMS!  I will be fit, stylish, and overeducated.

I don't know what to do, so I do nothing.  Guess I'll watch all 6 hours of the Colin Firth "Pride and Prejudice" mini-series and lie here, sniffling and sneezing.

Struggling a wee bit

I'm home sick today.  It's been a weird week, as I've said.  Struggling a bit with the 'failure' word...reliving the bad interview, the bad date... just gotta keep looking forward.
I'll put in a few more job applications today.  Really starting to panic that I've never worked a full time job for more than a summer, don't have the administration experience and don't know how to get it...I'll be stuck working with kids for the rest of my life.

Car Guy still wants to meet, and I'm going along with it, but I think it's not going to work out.  Maybe I'll just say so.  I asked if he understood the extent of my eco-convictions.  He said he might not do as much as I do, but he understood the motivations behind it.  He said he modified cars to be more eco-friendly, and grew his own vegetables, and that he had actually read my profile and knew what he was getting into.  I softened a bit, and agreed to meet.  I said something about being sensitive about the 'weirdo factor' of being the person who refuses plastic straws.

He wrote back this big thing about how he's influencing people to drive smaller cars and he's got two of these rare hybrids...(two?  why does a single guy need two cars?  And it sounds like he has more than just two cars.)  He said he appreciated people trying to reduce their footprint but you had to reach the average mainstream person, and that's what he was trying to do.

Huh.  The more I think about it, the more I think I just got condescended to.
I wrote back, 'Well at least there will be an interesting debate'.  We're discussing a day to meet, but I want to back out.

Volunteer stuff is keeping me busy.  At least that's going well.  With that, and all the meet-ups, there's lot of options for things to do almost every day.  Just gotta get healthy enough to keep up!

Oh, and Big Hands the economist is two years younger than me. I found a newspaper interview about this project he's working on.  I'm supposed to go to a class he's teaching in two weeks, and we've already exchanged emails about me keeping up with the class because it's a part two and I missed part one.  I'm a little weirded out by how good a stalker I am, but it's a little something to look forward to.  I think it's cool how much he's done with this project, and I just want to meet him for inspiration.

Car Guy

I had briefly mentioned that someone was writing to me on OKC, and his first message was about cars.  We kept up the conversation but it never flowed too easily...I just didn't have a good reason to reject him so I kept answering.  I think I was trying to figure out why he was writing to me, what he thought we have in common...I still don't know.  He comes across as clever without being nice.  Not that he's said anything unkind, just that he doesn't try to please people....
He just sent his number.  "I feel like we'll either get along great or not at all, but that's the fun of meeting new people".
I sent something back that was sort of noncommittal- "You haven't revealed much of yourself so I don't know what to expect."  I said some more stuff, but I don't know if I said yes or no.
I don't especially want to meet him- but have no definite reason to say no, other than that he's 7 years older than me. I kinda feel like I have to, because we've talked so long.  No, I don't owe any guy anything.  If it doesn't make me happy, I don't have to do it.
Anyways.  Not sure what to do, or what I've set in motion.  Maybe he'll take the hint?

Also, I mentioned that there was an interesting guy at the conference, but that I didn't get to speak to him.  I did look up the project he's working on, and found some public events he'll be at in the next month to promote it.  The internet makes stalking so easy!  Is it wrong to set out to meet this person?  The 'crush' is just sort of pretend; that doesn't mean I should indulge it.

This week has been a little weird.

Human Resources is a misnomer

I have yet to meet a Human Resources department that is resourceful, and the one I was in today wasn't all that 'human'.

That is to say, I've just had a bad interview for a job I really wanted.

This is the same job I already had to go take a computer test for, one where you had a maximum 5 clicks to do the task (such as 'Print 3 spreadsheets on one page'.)  So no looking around in the various menus and figuring out how to use an Excel feature you've never needed before- you either know it or you don't.

Is this really the way to get the best people?
I feel like I am a smart and hardworking person, with transferable skills but I can't get through the HR gatekeepers who work for municipal governments.  Here's how today went:

I was waiting for my interview in the lobby of the HR department and realized the plants were fake.  I was pondering how strange it is that humans create artificial replicas of nature to decorate their interior environments.  I read a sign that explained what behavioral interviews were, and the process of conducting them.

Then two women walked in, and my heart sank.  One was my supervisor at a place I used to teach at five years ago.  She started her job just as I was planning to leave that organization.  I did a big project with my students as a final hurrah- we put a video on youtube.  And there was an issue with copyrighted music, it was fixed, but this was my first and last interaction with this woman and it was negative.

The women sat down, and the air was filled with awkward.  I think the woman gave an awkward little laugh. (She really doesn't have great people skills.)  I tried to be cool and said, "hi, how are you?".  She said, "We're going to be interviewing you."
"Yes, so I gathered."  They were called into the conference room, and a little while later, the HR director called me in as well.

It was a darkened room, no windows.  I sat at one side, the three of them on the other.  The HR director made a little announcement, "We're here to interview for the position of Volunteer Coordinator".  He explained that there was twelve questions and they would take turns asking them.

It was all very formal, very artificial.  Behavioral interviews are the ones with questions like, "Give an example of a time you handled conflict well" or "Name a time you used good judgement to solve a problem".
I absolutely freeze up at these types of questions.  I'm trying to think of some Shining Example, some Oscar-winning tear-jerking allegory of Eleanor At Work, but life isn't like that.  It's a multitude of small interactions with co-workers, with customers, with getting things done over and over again and it all tends to blend together.

And as an introvert I want time to think over the question, but I feel the pressure of three people waiting for my answer, and so I ramble.  I don't speak confidently....Basically it was a death spiral of humiliation.  Only one question was actually about volunteer management.  (I only did the one internship in a volunteer management position, but am very interested in pursuing it further.)

At the end when it was my turn to ask questions, I asked about the hours of work, and then I realized they had never introduced themselves.  And I had read in the lobby that sign about behavioral interviews, and so I knew the first step in conducting such an interview was to introduce everyone by name and title.  They had missed that step, and it is very awkward to be interviewed by anonymous questioners.  I asked the name of the second woman and everyone looked a bit sheepish as she introduced herself.

I have a little portfolio of certificates, awards, letters of recommendation, and my art and hobbies.  I asked if anyone wanted to look at it and the HR director said, "ah no, art isn't relevant to the position of Volunteer Coordinator [in an art centre]".   I've never had an interviewer refuse to look at it before- usually people say, "Oh, now I know more about who you are as a person, thanks".

So that's why I say that was an inhuman Human Resources department.

If any of you happen to work in HR, (and enjoy reading blogs about virginity?), here's how my ideal interview would go:
Everyone introduces themselves.  I show my portfolio first, so I can settle down, and make a friendly connection with the interviewers.  The interviewers go over the job description and I get to ask questions, because, remember--I don't have a job and I apply for lots of them.  I can't always remember all the details when it comes to the interview.  Plus, I've only read a one page description of the job, and the interviewer can give me greater details.  Then the interviewer could ask what experience I have that matches what they're looking for, what skills I have that are transferable, and what weaknesses I foresee, maybe a bit about my personality type and how I handle conflict, crises, workload, etc.  I'm pretty self aware- I can answer honestly why I see the job being a good fit for me and what I'll need to work on.  This should be a back and forth discussion.  The company needs to sell themselves and the job to me as well!

Sigh.  How am I going to jump through all the bureaucratic hoops and prove that I have all the skills they want, I just suck at interviews?

Blargleflitzbuster!!!!

I just got home from a conference on the environment and was going to write all about it but my mom just told me my brother and his wife are expecting again.  Three children, in 2.5 years.  His wife is only 22.

Yeah, I'm not greeting the news with joy.  They are already struggling with two.

And I've just come from a conference and heard two days of lectures about how screwed the Earth is.  What kind of future is ahead of this generation?

Plus my brother and his wife pick weird names for their kids.

Sorry.  I am cynical.  The two-day conference was depressing, and then this news.

For those of you who aren't up to date on the blog, I am a bit of a doom-and-gloomer about the future of this planet.  At the very least, I think 7 billion is an excessive amount of humans, and we should try to stabilize the population.  I don't really talk about it, other than here on the anonymous blog, but I'm beginning to think one child is lots.  Maybe two.
And to get to the personal level, I am heart-broken that I feel like that about my own species, and that I do not greet newcomers to the Earth as the small miracles they are.  (Not quite true- I am totally won over by babies when I see them, but the news of their arrival I take rather badly.)  I try not to think about having kids, there's a good chance that's not a possibility for my body, never mind my lack of a sex life, but I admit I do sometimes feel the 'clock' ticking.  It's an emotional subject for me personally, and when I mix in everything I've heard and read about the challenges (possibly crises) ahead of us, as we are faced with dwindling resources on a polluted planet...it gets pretty muddled.

I suppose I could be using the environmental concerns to somehow not deal with the personal threat of my own possible infertility but I am trying to be honest with myself about all the things that get mixed up in my response to any pregnancy announcement.

Here are the weekly news items:
Allergic reaction of red spots have spread onto my face and arms.  This is the worst attack of these spots I have ever had.  The doctor said there was nothing to do for the rash or the cough.

I have an important job interview next week.  Please let the spots subside.

I was going to talk about my attempts at being stylish,so here's the summary.  Good week to start wearing a scarf: hides spots.  I remembered I hate things touching my neck.  Bought some Hush Puppies black flats.  Looked at costume jewelry but decided I didn't want to decorate myself in plastic, but can't afford better stuff.  Had major freak out that I didn't, in fact, want to participate in consumer culture and subdue my identity in order to fit in the trend of the moment.  Hypocritically, am coveting some really nice leather boots.

I tried to talk to some people at the environmental conference.  I sketched the other attendees instead of taking notes and sometimes people noticed and talked to me about the drawings.  Got a few email addresses for networking.  (Why didn't I bring business cards?)

For the sake of something to do, I developed a crush on a young economist with big hands who looked somewhat like Jerry Seinfield.  I never talked to him.  I was going to at the reception, but got cornered by this woman who I'd met before and was trying to avoid.  She talks in a sad monotone and doesn't blink and doesn't shut up- told me all about her cats' death (plural) coming after her mother's death, and went on and on about near-death experiences and psychics and consciousness not being in the brain....
After I got free of her, I had no will to live.  Ha!  I was, however, struck by a great horror of turning out like that.  She's a 'joiner', goes to anything and everything, and is probably intensely lonely.  NOTE TO SELF:  Do not talk to complete strangers about cats, death, mysticism, childhood traumas, etc.

The man with big hands was so dorky with his white t-shirt tucked into his high-waisted jeans.  But he knew everybody and was clearly very popular and involved in several organizations.  Maybe that's what appealed... I tried to imagine... um...intimate moments....sweetly awkward... (blush)

In June I will have been single for a year.  Will I find somebody before then? I don't need to make it a race but a whole year with not even a kiss.  And it has been a year and a half since I lost my virginity, and I still haven't had successful sex, don't even remember the last time it was attempted.
My worst fear is that my love life started and ended with my brief time with Walrus.  Meeting someone, getting past the first few dates, him liking me and I liking him, and trusting him enough to tell him about the sex issues, and him actually being willing to work through that with me..it all seems so impossible.
Okay now I'm just working myself up into a state.  I am driving myself crazy.

thinklings

I blog too much.  But I've just done a computer skills test for a potential job (and passed!) and now I'm destressing, ha!

A few opportunities, jobwise.  We'll see how it pans out.  I could end up pretty busy.  I am pretty busy even without working full-time.

Walrus has started texting me a bit.  Not sure how I feel about it.  It's just the usual mundane updates.

Health- Cough is full-on again, and a sore throat.  I'd better go back to the doctor.  And my allergic reaction to the antibiotics has relapsed, worse than before.  Spots all over my torso, even on my face a tiny bit.  Again, I'd better see the doctor.  Meanwhile, it's turtlenecks.

Appearance:  I've been thinking about this a lot.  Yes, I think putting more effort into my appearance will help me professionally and personally.  I wish the world wasn't so shallow, but it is, and I might as well try to play the game.  Seeing as I am advocating for people to live more sustainably, it will help my not-mainstream message get heard if I look like a stylish and professional woman.
I have some decent articles of clothing, if I work on getting some 'outfits' together with accessories (which I am clueless about).  I always wear those street sneaker/Sketchers type shoes, and I thought I could switch them out for ballet flats.  Yikes, one day in cheap flats did a number on my calf muscles.  Will have to invest in some good professional shoes with arch support!
I bought a scarf.  Green, with silver threads running through it. Now have to figure out how to tie it.
Also looking for a good blazer.  Still going to try to do most of my shopping at thrift stores, but will allow myself some special pieces.

Other projects:  Involved in some cool community/environmental volunteer projects, the joy of my life right now.

Previously I posted about seeing young families and feeling the Sad Yearnings..... It hasn't gone away, and I've thought about what is bothering me.  I think I need a role.  If you're in a family, you have a role in that family, you're a vital part of that group, and you're in it for the long-term.
I heard a definition of belonging the other day-- Belonging is when you're not there and your presence is missed.
I don't have a job, a circle of friends, a family of my own.  I don't have a role.  Something that I can do consistently, daily.  Something where I'm needed and important.  Someone to talk to everyday.

I think I'm working on finding my place, even without a partner.  Lots is going right.  And a job is just around the corner, right?

I am talking to someone on OKC, but I'm pretty neutral about it.  I will call him Car Guy, because in his first message he talked about hybrid cars.  His profile reveals nothing.  He hasn't answered any of the questions- don't know how tall he is, if he drinks or smokes, if he likes cats- nothing!  He just wrote a bunch of jokes.  He's obviously clever, but somehow doesn't seem all that nice.  I have no reason not to write back, but am not excited to meet him.  Not sure what to do.

Habits:  I've read that you should start with tiny, tiny steps.  If you want to start a flossing habit, start by flossing one tooth every day for a week.  Make it part of your daily schedule, so that it automatically happens after another action (brushing your teeth would be the logical choice).  I don't know how you ramp up to the full habit.  It seems a bit silly.
I haven't been able to focus on any goals- last week's goal turned into 'survive this gig you hate' and 'you're getting sick again, aren't you?'.
What seems to work for me is trading up--- stopping and looking at what I'm doing right now, or eating, and see if I can switch to something healthier or more productive.  I still keep track of what I've accomplished that day with Joe's Goals, and in general I'm moving in the right direction.
I still haven't tackled daily creativity.  I wonder if I can't face the solitude that is required to make art.