Added a new blog to the roll on the side. Not a virginity blog, but a single 20-something with sarcasm to spare. Since I always am reading about scientific studies of happiness, this post was refreshing.
Still coughing. Did first camp with youth. It went ok, not amazing. I like the kids, should be a good summer.
Saw Big Hands at a fundraiser on the weekend, and will see him again this week at last discussion group. He knows my name and greets me when he sees me. Fairly proud of my progress so far in befriending him but not sure how to take it further. Funny how I think he's amazing and a huge dork at the same time. His button-up shirts tucked in to ill-fitting jeans, the way he nods his head with his whole neck... Still can't actually picture me putting my head on his shoulder or anything like that...don't know what it is but it just doesn't feel like a match.
Was asked to teach Sunday art classes for kids again in the fall. Didn't want to, but accepted it, seemed like the safest thing to do. Felt like by doing so, I was resigning myself to more of this piecemeal work, short gigs, contact work, the life I'm so tired of.
Feeling like I don't know who I am. Well, with no career, no life partner, no social circle, and changing values, what do I expect? All I can do is follow my heart and gut and hope I figure it out by trying things.
Just now I tried to update my profile on Plenty of Fish. I closed my OKCupid one, but I had an old POF one that I hadn't. It had no picture and only a short description. No one ever wrote to me and I kept it just to browse if I was bored. POF is so hard to search for potential matches, and it feels kinda trashy. I just look at the photos of the men it suggests as my matches and I wouldn't hire them, never mind date them. What are all these Jersey Shore types doing in my city? Anyways, I thought maybe I'd write a long witty profile with no photo and maybe one person out there would answer it. It would be like buying a lottery ticket, the chances are small but the hope still lives. But I couldn't write it. The old anxieties came rushing in- still living at home, not really working, not sexually experienced, a bit overweight and a bit sloppy, more than a little awkward....
Okay, overwhelmed again.
Tuesday 25 June 2013
Thursday 20 June 2013
Three little tidbits
1. Friend in the North is engaged. She met a man on a train while traveling two summers ago, and moved far away to be with him. Now they are traveling in the country where they first met, and he proposed on the same train route.
2. Newfie texted me today. He said he was on a ferry and he could see someone who looked just like me.
Next text: "Scratch that, it's not you. She just spoke with a British accent." Third Text: "I was just going to say if hi if it was actually you. Hope all is well."
I wrote back, "No, I'm at such and such a place right now, so it's not me. I'm well. You?"
No answer. What was that about? He sometimes 'likes' my facebook posts and it surprises me, because I hid his posts from my newsfeed. I have nothing against the guy (and his tiny feminine hands), just don't want to be in contact all that much.
3. Went to an event and had a real conversation with Big Hands! Hooray! I still think he's adorable. I think I weigh more than he does- does that matter? Skinny boy. He is also incredibly, incredibly busy and involved in a bunch of projects. His girlfriend would almost have to be working side by side with him on these or be prepared to never see him. Anyways, it's fun to have a crush, and it's better than longing for an unknown 'someone' that I have no control over meeting. Maybe while I'm distracted by Big Hands, I'll just relax and be myself with everyone else and be pleasantly surprised when someone else becomes interested in me....sure, it could happen.
2. Newfie texted me today. He said he was on a ferry and he could see someone who looked just like me.
Next text: "Scratch that, it's not you. She just spoke with a British accent." Third Text: "I was just going to say if hi if it was actually you. Hope all is well."
I wrote back, "No, I'm at such and such a place right now, so it's not me. I'm well. You?"
No answer. What was that about? He sometimes 'likes' my facebook posts and it surprises me, because I hid his posts from my newsfeed. I have nothing against the guy (and his tiny feminine hands), just don't want to be in contact all that much.
3. Went to an event and had a real conversation with Big Hands! Hooray! I still think he's adorable. I think I weigh more than he does- does that matter? Skinny boy. He is also incredibly, incredibly busy and involved in a bunch of projects. His girlfriend would almost have to be working side by side with him on these or be prepared to never see him. Anyways, it's fun to have a crush, and it's better than longing for an unknown 'someone' that I have no control over meeting. Maybe while I'm distracted by Big Hands, I'll just relax and be myself with everyone else and be pleasantly surprised when someone else becomes interested in me....sure, it could happen.
Sunday 16 June 2013
Still sick, still thinking...
Ah, the social isolation of being a mucous and germ factory...
Right now there is a talk on environmental issues happening and I was planning to go, but decided I'd better stay home. I know Big Hands is there because his friends are posting photos of the event on facebook Sigh. There are a few events in the next few weeks I'll probably see him at, but sad to miss the talk and several other fun events this weekend. I did drag myself to work today and coughed on all the little children.
Speaking of the evil facebook, I read an article about how facebook is altering your mind. Ironically, a friend had posted it on facebook. And for me the source is not totally a credible one, but the article did make me wake up and say, 'I am a facebook addict.' I resisted joining the site for years, and then when I did, it went to my head. As I write this, I stop every few minutes and switch to my facebook and email tabs. I mean, that's ridiculous! And that's how I use the computer nowadays. If I'm working on some graphic design or writing up some documents for work, I've got four to five internet tabs open, which I check constantly. I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's my mind craving that little 'high' of a new message or an interesting bit o' Internet nonsense. (Wow, what a great captioned photo of a llama! LOLLOLLOL!)
I will try to make it through the rest of these thoughts without going to look at facebook. Wow, my attention span is dwindling away to nothing. And I pride myself on being a deep thinker and not easily bored. I can't even imagine what it's like to be the younger generation...the toddlers who are allowed to play with iPads, the teens who live on their phones.
Getting rid of facebook is not an option for the summer, as it's the only way to communicate with the youth I work with for the camps. And, I hear about great events on facebook (oh, and see photos of my friends at events I wasn't invited to.....) But yeah, it's not actually fun any more. It's easy to feel envious of what other people seem to be doing with their lives. I hardly ever post anything anymore, but am constantly 'creeping' which is supposed to be the most negative experience of using the site.
I'm getting the itch to look at other sites now, but am resisting...
I know when I get feeling low I desperately turn to the internet for some sort of connection to something, and it feels really flat. Just realized now I rarely use it to reach out and contact people...don't email my friends, don't respond to other people's facebook posts, just lurk and hope the world will reach out to me.
Wow. Okay, what am I going to do with this knowledge? How can I change my internet habits (and what does that mean for the blog?)
Because I'm not drawing much, and that's pretty weird. I've been talking about it, I've tried off and on to get it going again, but I'm spending a lot of time (FUCK! I just clicked on another tab as I stopped typing to think about the non-drawing thing, but stopped myself. I briefly saw an image of a lion, not sure what that was)
I'm spending a lot of time either being out of the house (which is a good thing, overall) or sitting at the computer, sometimes legitimately working or looking for events to get me out of the house, but mostly goofing around. The first thing I do in the morning is turn on the laptop and check email. Maybe I need to eat breakfast first, or meditate, or do yoga, or draw, or read, or anything but!
And drawing and making things was a big part of how I defined myself. "Do more of what makes you awesome" used to mean making comics and masks and paintings and funny gifts for people. But now I'm so into the environment and activism and I think I'm trying to define myself through that. Which is fine, but I don't have to drop the creative stuff entirely. (Although the artmaking took a nosedive when I went back to school and has been sporadic every since.)
In my favour, I am reading a lot more lately, and I have been able to realize when the internet is boring me and force myself to 'trade up' to a more useful or meaningful activity.
The aversion to internet dating makes a little more sense now. But why am I blogging all this personal stuff? It's so weird to me that I write a virginity blog. Huh!
And I can hear my mom in the next room playing computer solitaire, so I'm not the only one with this problem. I didn't mean to go so much into the Internet/computer addiction, but I guess it's been an unpleasant realization. Life is too short for this.
I meant to record my thoughts on being more positive. I would like to set myself the goal of seeing more good in people and showing more warmth instead of being reserved.
I just read about the Transition Town movement which if you're concerned about the environment, you might find helpful. It's the best solution I've come across so far, the most hopeful. Communities get together and figure out how their town could survive without oil, if if got very expensive or unavailable. (Something Britain experienced during WWII) It's very positive and proactive and actually sets out to be fun as well! The book talked about moving away from oil as being like getting off an addiction, which at least helps me not be so angry at people who aren't aware of any need to change their lifestyle yet. (Apologies if anyone feels uncomfortable with the addiciton metaphor being used in this way. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first.)
So if there's a positive way to deal with the really scary stuff, then I can be more positive about the little things too. Ok, so I got another book called 'Brilliant Positive Psychology' which wasn't that good. I've read a few books about finding meaning in life, and being happy, and I've blogged my thoughts on those. So almost none of the material was new to me, and being told 'happy people live longer and have better relationships' doesn't really help me make the jump to being happy!
I nearly threw the book against the wall- the book said 50% of being happy was your personality, your base happiness level. 40% was the activities and attitudes you chose, and 10% was life circumstances (your job, commute etc.) No way is that stuff only 10%! If you spend 8-10 hours a day in a job you hate, you're not going to be happy.
Happy people are in relationships, basically is what the book said. They're probably already happy people in general, that's what made them attractive, and then when you add in the benefits of having a partner who loves you, comforts you, etc etc. And then in the chapter about exercising and taking care of your body, there was a section on sex and how good it was for you.
So much for that book... had the opposite effect of what was intended. I'm missing a critical part of what it takes to be happy, for the average person. Yeah, I knew that already!
I ran a hypothetical situation in my head: If a magic genie gave you the choice of a boyfriend or my dream job, what would you take?
I know I should pick my own security and personal fulfillment and independence, but oh, I'd have a hard time turning down a boyfriend. (Especially one who accepts me as I am right now!)
It feels like that's always hanging over my head. It ruins self-confidence. The unanswerable debate in my head, 'What's wrong with me? If nothing's wrong, why am I so unlucky?' in endless circles.
And yet, it's only at night I face these questions. I can still find things to be grateful for, and haven't given up yet. They say when you focus on living your life to the fullest your way, that's when someone will turn up.
Ah, but I've been told that so many times, and actively looking for someone on the internet yielded more tangible results!
I don't know. All I can do is keep exploring what makes me happy, and keep pushing myself to come out my shell and my pre-conceived notions of who I am, because it's changed before and it can change again. And stay off bloody facebook!
Right now there is a talk on environmental issues happening and I was planning to go, but decided I'd better stay home. I know Big Hands is there because his friends are posting photos of the event on facebook Sigh. There are a few events in the next few weeks I'll probably see him at, but sad to miss the talk and several other fun events this weekend. I did drag myself to work today and coughed on all the little children.
Speaking of the evil facebook, I read an article about how facebook is altering your mind. Ironically, a friend had posted it on facebook. And for me the source is not totally a credible one, but the article did make me wake up and say, 'I am a facebook addict.' I resisted joining the site for years, and then when I did, it went to my head. As I write this, I stop every few minutes and switch to my facebook and email tabs. I mean, that's ridiculous! And that's how I use the computer nowadays. If I'm working on some graphic design or writing up some documents for work, I've got four to five internet tabs open, which I check constantly. I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's my mind craving that little 'high' of a new message or an interesting bit o' Internet nonsense. (Wow, what a great captioned photo of a llama! LOLLOLLOL!)
I will try to make it through the rest of these thoughts without going to look at facebook. Wow, my attention span is dwindling away to nothing. And I pride myself on being a deep thinker and not easily bored. I can't even imagine what it's like to be the younger generation...the toddlers who are allowed to play with iPads, the teens who live on their phones.
Getting rid of facebook is not an option for the summer, as it's the only way to communicate with the youth I work with for the camps. And, I hear about great events on facebook (oh, and see photos of my friends at events I wasn't invited to.....) But yeah, it's not actually fun any more. It's easy to feel envious of what other people seem to be doing with their lives. I hardly ever post anything anymore, but am constantly 'creeping' which is supposed to be the most negative experience of using the site.
I'm getting the itch to look at other sites now, but am resisting...
I know when I get feeling low I desperately turn to the internet for some sort of connection to something, and it feels really flat. Just realized now I rarely use it to reach out and contact people...don't email my friends, don't respond to other people's facebook posts, just lurk and hope the world will reach out to me.
Wow. Okay, what am I going to do with this knowledge? How can I change my internet habits (and what does that mean for the blog?)
Because I'm not drawing much, and that's pretty weird. I've been talking about it, I've tried off and on to get it going again, but I'm spending a lot of time (FUCK! I just clicked on another tab as I stopped typing to think about the non-drawing thing, but stopped myself. I briefly saw an image of a lion, not sure what that was)
I'm spending a lot of time either being out of the house (which is a good thing, overall) or sitting at the computer, sometimes legitimately working or looking for events to get me out of the house, but mostly goofing around. The first thing I do in the morning is turn on the laptop and check email. Maybe I need to eat breakfast first, or meditate, or do yoga, or draw, or read, or anything but!
And drawing and making things was a big part of how I defined myself. "Do more of what makes you awesome" used to mean making comics and masks and paintings and funny gifts for people. But now I'm so into the environment and activism and I think I'm trying to define myself through that. Which is fine, but I don't have to drop the creative stuff entirely. (Although the artmaking took a nosedive when I went back to school and has been sporadic every since.)
In my favour, I am reading a lot more lately, and I have been able to realize when the internet is boring me and force myself to 'trade up' to a more useful or meaningful activity.
The aversion to internet dating makes a little more sense now. But why am I blogging all this personal stuff? It's so weird to me that I write a virginity blog. Huh!
And I can hear my mom in the next room playing computer solitaire, so I'm not the only one with this problem. I didn't mean to go so much into the Internet/computer addiction, but I guess it's been an unpleasant realization. Life is too short for this.
I meant to record my thoughts on being more positive. I would like to set myself the goal of seeing more good in people and showing more warmth instead of being reserved.
I just read about the Transition Town movement which if you're concerned about the environment, you might find helpful. It's the best solution I've come across so far, the most hopeful. Communities get together and figure out how their town could survive without oil, if if got very expensive or unavailable. (Something Britain experienced during WWII) It's very positive and proactive and actually sets out to be fun as well! The book talked about moving away from oil as being like getting off an addiction, which at least helps me not be so angry at people who aren't aware of any need to change their lifestyle yet. (Apologies if anyone feels uncomfortable with the addiciton metaphor being used in this way. I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first.)
So if there's a positive way to deal with the really scary stuff, then I can be more positive about the little things too. Ok, so I got another book called 'Brilliant Positive Psychology' which wasn't that good. I've read a few books about finding meaning in life, and being happy, and I've blogged my thoughts on those. So almost none of the material was new to me, and being told 'happy people live longer and have better relationships' doesn't really help me make the jump to being happy!
I nearly threw the book against the wall- the book said 50% of being happy was your personality, your base happiness level. 40% was the activities and attitudes you chose, and 10% was life circumstances (your job, commute etc.) No way is that stuff only 10%! If you spend 8-10 hours a day in a job you hate, you're not going to be happy.
Happy people are in relationships, basically is what the book said. They're probably already happy people in general, that's what made them attractive, and then when you add in the benefits of having a partner who loves you, comforts you, etc etc. And then in the chapter about exercising and taking care of your body, there was a section on sex and how good it was for you.
So much for that book... had the opposite effect of what was intended. I'm missing a critical part of what it takes to be happy, for the average person. Yeah, I knew that already!
I ran a hypothetical situation in my head: If a magic genie gave you the choice of a boyfriend or my dream job, what would you take?
I know I should pick my own security and personal fulfillment and independence, but oh, I'd have a hard time turning down a boyfriend. (Especially one who accepts me as I am right now!)
It feels like that's always hanging over my head. It ruins self-confidence. The unanswerable debate in my head, 'What's wrong with me? If nothing's wrong, why am I so unlucky?' in endless circles.
And yet, it's only at night I face these questions. I can still find things to be grateful for, and haven't given up yet. They say when you focus on living your life to the fullest your way, that's when someone will turn up.
Ah, but I've been told that so many times, and actively looking for someone on the internet yielded more tangible results!
I don't know. All I can do is keep exploring what makes me happy, and keep pushing myself to come out my shell and my pre-conceived notions of who I am, because it's changed before and it can change again. And stay off bloody facebook!
Friday 14 June 2013
The quirky blue dress
I've got a hacking cough and haven't left the house in two days, so it's blogtime! I can tell you all about the daytime TV I've been watching...(Mel Brooks was married to Anne Bancroft? Did not know that.)
The community project I'm working on is somewhat stalled. It's taken a month to get my partner to approve my poster design. She was supposed to post in some community groups online and 'got writer's block writing the ad'. Now her dog has died, so I feel bad nagging her.
Last week we were supposed to meet with someone from another organization, who forgot about the meeting. My partner was half an hour late. I sat there by myself. I'd traveled an hour to be there. That meeting didn't really happen, so instead I went to the thrift store and found this quirky navy blue 50s-style shirtdress with a bicycle print. I love it. I had the feeling it's sorta who I want to be. It's not bright or flashy, but if you look twice, there's personality.
I have all these complicated ideas about feminism, consumerism, vanity, money, practicality....Anyways, it all boils down to me having lots of thrift store clothes, but not really allowing myself to have fun with fashion. I think designer clothes are silly and overpriced, I don't want shopping to be a hobby, but I don't think it's wrong to wear pretty clothes that make you happy. There's a way to be in balance.
I didn't get that job with the awkward last minute interview. Add it to the pile of rejections. Been thinking a lot lately about how to make a good impression quickly. I'm either withdrawn, or I come on too strong. I have no grace. What about me is attractive to an employer, or a potential boyfriend? I don't know. I either think I'm awesome or I hate myself. I've been reading about serious social problems every free minute. What do I do for fun? What do I look forward to? I'm like a cake that didn't rise. I have no lightness about me. Which is weird, because I teach kids and I'm totally goofy with them.
Why don't I have a group of friends, a job, a boyfriend? What is holding me back?
Sigh. I think too much.
Just overwhelmed. Taking on more than my share with the community project. Wondering about where I'll work after the summer. Trying to get the house clean. Trying to learn to be more positive. Trying to figure out who I am and what I like about myself and how to show that to the world.
I've been thinking about online dating...wondering if I'm ready to do it again. It wasn't a long break. In some ways I feel good that that is not something I'm actively working on right now. But then again, there was always the slightest chance that when I opened my inbox, there'd be a message. And that little window of hope is shut at the moment. I would really really really like to meet a real person in real life but I don't know how that works. At least with online dating everyone's intentions were reasonably clear.
I seem to have set myself these targets but haven't formally acknowledged that I'm waiting until I either a.) lose weight b.) move out c.) get some kind of steady job or d.) at least get the house somewhat presentable.
Any one of those, and I can reactivate the ol' profile. Uh, all of those are scary and I have no concrete plan to reach any of those.
Goals for summer: Be a great camp counselor to those kids. Clean the house. Draw. Exercise. Try and have some fun. See what happens.
The community project I'm working on is somewhat stalled. It's taken a month to get my partner to approve my poster design. She was supposed to post in some community groups online and 'got writer's block writing the ad'. Now her dog has died, so I feel bad nagging her.
Last week we were supposed to meet with someone from another organization, who forgot about the meeting. My partner was half an hour late. I sat there by myself. I'd traveled an hour to be there. That meeting didn't really happen, so instead I went to the thrift store and found this quirky navy blue 50s-style shirtdress with a bicycle print. I love it. I had the feeling it's sorta who I want to be. It's not bright or flashy, but if you look twice, there's personality.
I have all these complicated ideas about feminism, consumerism, vanity, money, practicality....Anyways, it all boils down to me having lots of thrift store clothes, but not really allowing myself to have fun with fashion. I think designer clothes are silly and overpriced, I don't want shopping to be a hobby, but I don't think it's wrong to wear pretty clothes that make you happy. There's a way to be in balance.
I didn't get that job with the awkward last minute interview. Add it to the pile of rejections. Been thinking a lot lately about how to make a good impression quickly. I'm either withdrawn, or I come on too strong. I have no grace. What about me is attractive to an employer, or a potential boyfriend? I don't know. I either think I'm awesome or I hate myself. I've been reading about serious social problems every free minute. What do I do for fun? What do I look forward to? I'm like a cake that didn't rise. I have no lightness about me. Which is weird, because I teach kids and I'm totally goofy with them.
Why don't I have a group of friends, a job, a boyfriend? What is holding me back?
Sigh. I think too much.
Just overwhelmed. Taking on more than my share with the community project. Wondering about where I'll work after the summer. Trying to get the house clean. Trying to learn to be more positive. Trying to figure out who I am and what I like about myself and how to show that to the world.
I've been thinking about online dating...wondering if I'm ready to do it again. It wasn't a long break. In some ways I feel good that that is not something I'm actively working on right now. But then again, there was always the slightest chance that when I opened my inbox, there'd be a message. And that little window of hope is shut at the moment. I would really really really like to meet a real person in real life but I don't know how that works. At least with online dating everyone's intentions were reasonably clear.
I seem to have set myself these targets but haven't formally acknowledged that I'm waiting until I either a.) lose weight b.) move out c.) get some kind of steady job or d.) at least get the house somewhat presentable.
Any one of those, and I can reactivate the ol' profile. Uh, all of those are scary and I have no concrete plan to reach any of those.
Goals for summer: Be a great camp counselor to those kids. Clean the house. Draw. Exercise. Try and have some fun. See what happens.
Monday 10 June 2013
slipping....
I was watching a nature show on public television, and a mother zebra died. Her foal stayed by the body and tried to rouse her. The father zebra was moving on with the migrating herd (his harem, the narrator called it) but hesitated... His harem or his son? In the end he stayed with the foal, and had to coax it away from its mother's body, and together they tried to catch up with the herd, even though it is unclear how a father can take care of a still nursing foal.
I think the internet meme for this one is:
I do have a point, sorta, with this story. The narrator said something while the father zebra decided what to do....something about how hard he had to fight to become the 'alpha zebra' (haha, alphabet joke) and how it was the meaning of his existence....but he chose his son.
And there was just this realization about the whole 'passing on your gene' thing that I don't always get. It's a biological imperative, it's what all life on earth is trying to do.
And that's probably not going to be something I'll do with my life.
It was a weird moment.
Maybe I'm so into this 'saving the world' stuff in a desperate search for meaning for my little life...
I'm not sure if they were always together or if this has happened over the last six weeks. Did everybody else know? I saw them talking quietly together at the last meeting and a suspicion crossed my mind, even though it was just a short exchange I witnessed. I wouldn't have figured it out today if he hadn't brought her a flower.
It's not that I wanted him for myself so much as...so much as I was once again completely clueless that this was going on.
How do two people get together anyways? What is this magic process?
I try to tell myself that my greatest adventure is still to come, that I will get to go through the excitement of falling in love....
but I don't know how long I have to wait. maybe a long time...
I am slowly going crazy.
I think the internet meme for this one is:
I do have a point, sorta, with this story. The narrator said something while the father zebra decided what to do....something about how hard he had to fight to become the 'alpha zebra' (haha, alphabet joke) and how it was the meaning of his existence....but he chose his son.
And there was just this realization about the whole 'passing on your gene' thing that I don't always get. It's a biological imperative, it's what all life on earth is trying to do.
And that's probably not going to be something I'll do with my life.
It was a weird moment.
Maybe I'm so into this 'saving the world' stuff in a desperate search for meaning for my little life...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've written about another camp leader at my summer job who is a really great guy and I sorta was intrigued by him, if not quite crushing on him. Just realized today that he and Dawn are together. Dawn is another camp leader who doesn't shave her legs (which I'm totally cool with, just trying to describe her) and teaches survivalist outdoor skills for a living. I'm not sure if they were always together or if this has happened over the last six weeks. Did everybody else know? I saw them talking quietly together at the last meeting and a suspicion crossed my mind, even though it was just a short exchange I witnessed. I wouldn't have figured it out today if he hadn't brought her a flower.
It's not that I wanted him for myself so much as...so much as I was once again completely clueless that this was going on.
How do two people get together anyways? What is this magic process?
I try to tell myself that my greatest adventure is still to come, that I will get to go through the excitement of falling in love....
but I don't know how long I have to wait. maybe a long time...
I am slowly going crazy.
Thursday 6 June 2013
The weekly whatever
At choir we recorded us singing songs for a member's new baby. It was cute for a while, and then I was getting really tired of singing for other people's babies. Good thing Instafriend felt the same way and we snuck out a bit early.
I hate that I'm this negative about this. But it seems like there's a lot of babies in my life lately. My siblings' offspring are here two or three days a week for babysitting. My brother has a third coming and has to buy an SUV to fit all the carseats. My social life consists of visiting my stay-at-home-mom-friends and cooing at their babies. I've got two of those visits next week, and one I've been putting off. Oh, I like babies well enough and I know it's not easy being a new mom and having nothing to talk about except your baby...
Sigh. I'm meeting new people and keeping busy, but I still spend a lot of time at home alone. I'm longing for one-on-one time with an old friend. I'm longing to tell somebody what's really going on with me, and not be interrupted by a crying toddler or a boyfriend coming in to tickle my friend during our phone conversations (so rude!) Everyone else has partners and families and jobs, and I'm the only one still lost and searching.
I thought I've been reasonably happy lately, but I know that need for deep conversation isn't being met.
And lately, I've been really angry. I have to admit that to myself.
Bad drivers. People using disposable coffee cups or idling their cars. Even incorrect grammar annoys me.
Am I really that smart and irreproachable that I get to judge everyone? I think this is a common problem with environmentalists, or anyone with a cause. How can I care so much and them so little? I'm making sacrifices and other people aren't. If they don't make these little easy changes, how can we make the big changes needed?
And the environmental crisis is a big ugly thing for anyone to have to deal with, but I don't think all of this anger comes from that. I think I'm frustrated with myself and where I'm at.
In my volunteer management class, we had to play a game where we wrote down the names of the classmates we talked to. It was week four and there was 14 people there. We have name cards at our spot where we sit, so I knew or could guess at everybody's name. But nobody knew my name! And there are two Eleanors in the class, and nobody had realized that except for me and the other Eleanor. And nobody could spell 'Eleanor', even though our name cards have been clearly visible week after week. I'm so visual, I remember what people were wearing each week, so it's weird to me that people haven't read and absorbed basic information like that.
Then we played a memory game that I scored almost perfect on, but other people really struggled with it.
And they left their coffee cups and garbage everywhere after class!
I'm not trying to brag or claim that I'm a genius or anything, but where can I talk about this other than here? I have a good memory, I'm reasonably clever and decent so why are all these people employed and I am not?
And it's incredibly frustrating. Do I have some fatal flaw I'm unaware of? Can somebody just tell me what I'm doing wrong?
I don't want to be caustic. I don't want to be critical. I don't want to be impatient with people. I just want a chance to use my skills.
Tomorrow I'll find out the results of the last job interview I did. I'm not holding my breath.
I want so much to be amazing, but I might need to crawl before I can walk. How can I start my own enterprise when I've never worked full time for more than a few months, never paid rent.
And I'm sick again, or still. Lungs clogged in the morning, and bladder trouble. How am I going to camp all summer if I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee?
And why is my stomach so big when it feels like I'm losing weight everywhere else?
And we're way behind on the community project and it's one group member's fault. And I'm doing a little painting for a friend of a friend of a friend and she's the client from hell! I'm only charging her $80 and she thinks that's a lot. Not for 3-4 hours skilled labour, plus materials, plus administration time! She emails me constantly. She wants luxury service for bargain basement prices.
Frustrating people.
Anyways, I have a headache tonight and I'm grumpy. None of this is life-threatening. Just need a rant.
What do I do with this all this anger?
I hate that I'm this negative about this. But it seems like there's a lot of babies in my life lately. My siblings' offspring are here two or three days a week for babysitting. My brother has a third coming and has to buy an SUV to fit all the carseats. My social life consists of visiting my stay-at-home-mom-friends and cooing at their babies. I've got two of those visits next week, and one I've been putting off. Oh, I like babies well enough and I know it's not easy being a new mom and having nothing to talk about except your baby...
Sigh. I'm meeting new people and keeping busy, but I still spend a lot of time at home alone. I'm longing for one-on-one time with an old friend. I'm longing to tell somebody what's really going on with me, and not be interrupted by a crying toddler or a boyfriend coming in to tickle my friend during our phone conversations (so rude!) Everyone else has partners and families and jobs, and I'm the only one still lost and searching.
I thought I've been reasonably happy lately, but I know that need for deep conversation isn't being met.
And lately, I've been really angry. I have to admit that to myself.
Bad drivers. People using disposable coffee cups or idling their cars. Even incorrect grammar annoys me.
Am I really that smart and irreproachable that I get to judge everyone? I think this is a common problem with environmentalists, or anyone with a cause. How can I care so much and them so little? I'm making sacrifices and other people aren't. If they don't make these little easy changes, how can we make the big changes needed?
And the environmental crisis is a big ugly thing for anyone to have to deal with, but I don't think all of this anger comes from that. I think I'm frustrated with myself and where I'm at.
In my volunteer management class, we had to play a game where we wrote down the names of the classmates we talked to. It was week four and there was 14 people there. We have name cards at our spot where we sit, so I knew or could guess at everybody's name. But nobody knew my name! And there are two Eleanors in the class, and nobody had realized that except for me and the other Eleanor. And nobody could spell 'Eleanor', even though our name cards have been clearly visible week after week. I'm so visual, I remember what people were wearing each week, so it's weird to me that people haven't read and absorbed basic information like that.
Then we played a memory game that I scored almost perfect on, but other people really struggled with it.
And they left their coffee cups and garbage everywhere after class!
I'm not trying to brag or claim that I'm a genius or anything, but where can I talk about this other than here? I have a good memory, I'm reasonably clever and decent so why are all these people employed and I am not?
And it's incredibly frustrating. Do I have some fatal flaw I'm unaware of? Can somebody just tell me what I'm doing wrong?
I don't want to be caustic. I don't want to be critical. I don't want to be impatient with people. I just want a chance to use my skills.
Tomorrow I'll find out the results of the last job interview I did. I'm not holding my breath.
I want so much to be amazing, but I might need to crawl before I can walk. How can I start my own enterprise when I've never worked full time for more than a few months, never paid rent.
And I'm sick again, or still. Lungs clogged in the morning, and bladder trouble. How am I going to camp all summer if I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee?
And why is my stomach so big when it feels like I'm losing weight everywhere else?
And we're way behind on the community project and it's one group member's fault. And I'm doing a little painting for a friend of a friend of a friend and she's the client from hell! I'm only charging her $80 and she thinks that's a lot. Not for 3-4 hours skilled labour, plus materials, plus administration time! She emails me constantly. She wants luxury service for bargain basement prices.
Frustrating people.
Anyways, I have a headache tonight and I'm grumpy. None of this is life-threatening. Just need a rant.
What do I do with this all this anger?
Sunday 2 June 2013
Locked in
A caged bird.
The door of the cage is opened.
The bird stays inside.....
and blogs about it.
The door of the cage is opened.
The bird stays inside.....
and blogs about it.
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