Friday 30 August 2013

all the stuff that can happen in three days

Well let's see.  Tuesday there was a meeting Nerdboy and I had to attend, and it turned out I was needed longer there than he was, so he went home without me.  I was supposed to sleep over and he said he was really tired, didn't really seem to want me to come to his place, so I sulked and went home to my place.  I was so hurt, he seemed so withdrawn, he didn't like the thing we'd signed up to do together....it was a frickin' big deal.
Meanwhile, he'd eaten and gone for a jog and felt better.  Sent me a text saying, 'I half expected to find you curled up on the couch when I got back from my run.'   Arrrrrrrrgh!  You really didn't give that impression when you left me alone at the meeting!
(I have keys to his apartment, in case I forgot to mention that.)

Anyways, the next day there was supposed to be a New!  Roommates!  Feast!  at my place but that got cancelled.  Nerdboy was being weird about coming anyways, he gets social anxiety but I haven't figured out what events are scary and what are ok.

So we went for a jog.  And, I did way better than either of us expected me to.  Thanks, summer camp job for helping me lose weight before I met him!   I can almost see myself doing jogging as a regular thing.  And he was supportive and really really pleased that I was trying jogging with him.  He kept saying, 'We're becoming one of those couples!'

And he was loving and cuddly and not withdrawn at all.  I slept over and this morning I told him I loved him.
---------

Nice part of the story over, here's the Too Much Information part.
I was in some pain down there after our little experiment with penetration on Sunday.
I found this website http://vaginismusadvice.webs.com/
and sent Nerdboy the link.  The writer suggests that tissues in the vagina just have to be torn and it will only be painful once.  I don't totally agree, but she strongly believes pain is part of the process of stretching the muscles to accept a large object and I was pondering how accurate that was.  I was willing to accept some pain in exchange for progress.
Except, my pain was getting worse, and I was pretty sure there was an open sore so I got out a mirror to have a look and freaked out because there was white stuff.  Then I wondered if it was a yeast infection, because I've never had one, and looked at google images of yeast infections, which isn't a nice way to start the day.
I bought over the counter stuff from the drugstore, and made a doctor's appt.
I saw the doctor this afternoon.  A female doctor!
Yes, it's a yeast infection so that should clear up quickly.  Already is.
And I told her about my problems with sex (and the bladder, in case that was relevant) and she said I should get physiotherapy!  Hooray, somebody finally took me seriously!
It's going to take a while to get a referral but I'm pretty excited.

And then I had one of my volunteering-do-gooding things tonight and wasn't going to see Nerdboy at all but then he ended up driving me to it, and afterwards asked if I'd come over for a bit.  It was already 9pm and he'd had three glasses of wine and was silly but of course I did.
Funny that my mother's opinion of him was 'He seems to have a lot of energy'
A little bit of wine got him talking non-stop about nerd stuff and I just patted his head.  'Can we spoon now?'
And we talked and kissed and giggled and it's just so darn nice.  At one point he said, 'I can't believe I ended up here' and I didn't take the bait, but later I said 'I love you' and he said, 'I've been thinking about that all day.  I was trying to make you say it again'

We talk a lot about how much we like each other and how happy we are and how we nearly missed meeting and how we can't believe we've come this far in a month, etc etc.   It's rather dull conversation but we seem to like saying it.

He seemed completely not put off by the yeast infection at all.  I was the one who didn't want to be touched.
At least he's really understanding about all the troubles with the girl parts.

Then he said I remind him of Kirsten Schaal
Sadly, this is fairly accurate, except I have a different nose.
This weekend we are going on a trip to attend a family thing for me.  Will we still like each other in two days?  Stay tuned.

Monday 26 August 2013

A small victory

So much can happen in a day and a half.  Nerdboy came over to my new place after I wrote the last post. We goofed around on my bed and I'm sure the neighbours heard us.  Then back to his house.  He made dinner.  I worry so much about contributing to the relationship if he hosts, cooks, drives and takes the lead in sexy stuff.  I honestly was convinced he'd tire of me.
Later that night there was a look in his sex toy box and I got a bit quiet and overwhelmed.  Butt plugs!  And who has used these things?  But mostly I didn't want to just pick one and start using it, I need a looooooong build-up before anything like that can be attempted.  So I tried to explain what I like, which was a lot of stammering, but I will record them here for others who might be struggling with vaginismus as well.
I told him anticipation is a huge factor, and that kissing mouth, neck and boobs all help before going for 'down there'.  He tends to stay doing one thing for a long time, and I think I like it to switch up more, start something I like and then break and come back to it.  I said I've spent so long imagining what it will be like to be underneath somebody that I really feel a thrill when he puts his body over mine.  I asked if he would leave my panties on and push against me.  Basically we're finding that mimicking sex with some kind of rhythmic pushing, there are several variations on what's touching what while this happens, is the best thing for both of us.
This morning we didn't try anything, I was a bit tender and we were hungry!  I went through his music library while he cooked and hooray, there's stuff in common.  And we went on an adventure of chores throughout the city, which included getting me fancy running shoes because I've promised to jog with him (see how much I like him?) and going to a sex shop.  We were looking for a toy with a diameter  in between the one I have and the one he has.  But there wasn't a lot of selection and we briefly described the problem to the clerk and I got shy.  Surprisingly, Nerdboy, as shy and awkward as he is, was chatty with all the service people and clerks we had to deal with throughout the day.  Huh!  Anyways, we picked an unusual one with three blobby shapes in a row, so that we had different sizes to pick from.
Nerdboy is very no-nonsense when on a mission, and he definitely draws boundaries about how much he's willing to do for me, whether it's lending me stuff or talking to clerks about shoes.
He keeps casually talking about children though!  "Oh that could be us" after we walked by a couple with a sleeping baby.  "Oh if we had a teenager I'd tell him his mother waited until she was thirty"  or "Why did you put on this song?  Don't you know it's baby-making music?"
I don't know if he's trying to get me to talk him out of the vasectomy or it's just something he needs to share about imagining a long-term future with me.  Anyways, it's making me upset.  I know part of me does want a baby.
We're definitely already talking about living together six months to a year from now!  He said, "yeah I know it's early but this is going so well."
We slept in this morning and I dozily told him we needed a time machine so he could seduce a younger me so we wouldn't have the sex problems.  (I'm convinced that waiting so long has caused anxiety and repression and my brain hasn't used the pathways for pleasure enough.)  He thought it would be better if a younger him met a younger me, which was an interesting discussion about where and who we both were at that time.

Anyways, this is jumping around a bit.  I still have to admit to myself that the "llllllllllllllllloooooove" word is starting to be on the tip of my tongue, and that talking about children and living together and marriage is so surreal and overwhelming and thrilling.  Someone wants to do that with me!  I never ever thought it was a possibility.
He said, "You keep talking about how asexual a person you were, but I don't think it was me that lit that wonderful spark inside you."

And this evening we planned to each go to our respective houses to get some chores done, and instead we watched a movie and I just felt so full of gratitude for him in my life that I hugged him tight and kissed him over and over and well....things happened.  We tried the 'push your penis against my panties' thing and that worked so well I pulled the ...gusset I think is the word... to the side and he actually got the tip in a little and it wasn't exactly comfortable but it wasn't bad and I didn't want him to stop but he got the new toy instead and that worked well.
And then I attempted to do oral sex on him and he said I did fine, I just need to keep doing it longer and build up speed.  Blush!
and we are laughing a lot together and it's really quite amazing.


Saturday 24 August 2013

Happy and terrified

Well, every day is a new adventure.
I am spending the weekend with Nerdboy.  He had to go into work so I am quickly writing down some little things that have happened.
After the conversation about blowjobs (I hate that word) he said he wanted to read me something.
(I had told him I am friends with a couple who read aloud to each other, and have been together for 17 years.  I really wanted to try that and he jumped on the idea, and has picked out enough reading material for a lifetime. We're starting with Roald Dahl.)
The selection he read to me, however, was not suitable for children.  It had a description of a BJ in it, I guess that's why he picked it, but it contained a graphic description of a fairly violent sex act.
I really don't know what he was thinking.  I just sat there and he knew it hadn't gone over well.  I didn't sleep over that night, I had planned to spend at least some time at the new place, but he wanted me to stay and sort of pouted.  Then we made out anyways, then I had to run for the last night bus back to my place.  At least we live close to each other.
In the morning I woke up thinking, "Did he read me a story about rape?  Why did he do that?"
So I lay in bed thinking about my relationship with my own sexuality compared with Nerdboy's with his.
I resolved to talk about it with him.
The book was still on the table when I went back to his place that night.  And he picked it up and talked about it.  I told him it had made me uncomfortable and that associating violence and pain with sex is probably NOT HELPFUL right now for my problem.  And I tried to talk to him about how little interest I had in sex for so long.  He told me about losing his virginity (13!) and figuring out he liked both sexes and telling his parents.  He said he's pretty open to any sex act or fetish but there's a few things he's said no to.

It took me a while but I finally spit out that I had looked at some porn just to see how this sex thing worked, but that reading something spicy, without pictures, worked a lot better for me.  So we might add some erotic fiction to our sexy times.

I am so embarrassed to admit I have desires or want to try things.

So last night I slept over at his place and we didn't actually do sexy things hardly at all.  He helped me move one last load of stuff and he was so tired he fell asleep while cuddling on the couch.  I just lay there.  He slept for a long time.  He'd wake up long enough to mumble how nice it was and fall back asleep.  His apartment is a loft and I said I wished it would rain.  I could imagine us curled up in bed listening to the rain on the roof. I knew it would happen in the future and I was really happy and secure.  And later it did start to rain  hard, and we got up and had a midnight snack and went and stood on his balcony.  We were only in our underwear, but it was dark.  We just hugged and stroked each other's backs....and chests....and watched the rain and I was so unbelievable happy I kept burying my face in his neck, and then looking up at him and grinning.
I think my innocence appeals to him.  Maybe it's the only thing he hasn't tried, maybe it makes him feel good to be the first one to do things with me.  I am all blushes and modesty and then I say something cheeky. Mostly I just smile at him and say I can't believe this is happening.  Sometimes my eyes fill with tears but he hasn't seen that yet.

I thought no one would ever want me but he says he loves me.
I am terrified when he talks of being with me forever.  He says he doesn't care about penetration, but how can such a sexual person be satisfied with what my body and my prudishness are willing to do?

Thursday 22 August 2013

he said it first

Slept at Nerdboy's house again. He gave me keys to his place and I let myself him after work.  He was napping.  I put on a babydoll pyjama top and was climbing onto his bed when he woke up.  Clothes off for the rest of the evening.
This doesn't seem real.
I asked him about um...me giving him oral sex which lead to a ridiculous and awkward and funny conversation about how one actually does that and other kinky stuff I don't want to do and had actually never heard of.  Not that he was pressuring me to do any of it, or had done it himself.  He said he was proud of me for not freaking out and running out of the apartment.
At one point we were cuddling and I said 'I really like you'
He said 'I'm thinking of another 'L' word and I don't want to say it.  I don't want to freak you out but I think I love you.'
I couldn't say it back but I felt light-headed.
Before bed we were both reading in bed and I felt really happy.

Side note:  I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for letting the new roommate know I wasn't coming home, so I texted him (and said I'm not sure I even need to update you on this stuff).  Today he said, yeah don't worry about it unless you need the outdoor light left on or something.
So then I'm embarrassed that I don't know how to live with roommates.
It's very weird living with this strange man.  I like him, just not sure how much to interact.

Feeling very excited that I can do what I want and go where I want.



Wednesday 21 August 2013

Baggage Examination

Nerdboy got a gold star yesterday for coming to Mom's house, cooking us dinner (I was supposed to but he arrived early and took over), enduring dinner with Mom, packing up all my books, taking apart my vintage bike, and helping me move everything into the new place.
Not sure why I deserve all that!

My roommate was out so we lay on my bed.  I am really really uptight about doing the sexy things when other people are in the house, or could even guess that sex had taken place before they got home.  So even though we were alone, I didn't feel like doing that stuff.  And, it was time for talking anyways.  Friend in the North kept bugging me to really talk to him about STDs (STIs, I think they're called now, in Canada anyways) and to find out what 'I have to talk to you about something at some point' was all about.

We just lay there face to face.  I asked him questions about his birthday, middle name, etc.  At one point he said he was distantly in line to a dukedom and I'd have to marry him and bear an heir.  (Again, marriage jokes!)  I kept frowning a little and he asked why and I spat out, 'I have to ask you about STDs'.  He was tested a few months ago and everything was fine.  He said yes, he'd had casual sex this year and was very careful but he went to the clinic to be sure.   (Uh, great that you're careful, but so very different from how I live!)
Then he told me his thing.  Ten years or so ago he'd been in an abusive relationship with a man.  He had to go to the hospital, he wasn't clear but I think he had his jaw broken.  Since then he hasn't had a boyfriend, or many male friends.  He gets a bit uncomfortable being touched by strangers, especially if they approach from behind.  He said he was okay with me touching him from the start, which was a notable exception.  I remember hugging him the first meeting and him looking shocked, and then hugging back.

He said there might be bad days when even I won't be allowed to touch him.

So, I don't know how to relate to this or what it means for our relationship in the future.  He's got such high hopes for me.

DO.  NOT.  WANT.  TO.  BE.  RESPONSIBLE.  FOR.  SOMEONE.  ELSE'S.  HAPPINESS.

Also, how does casual sex fit into the 'no touching strangers' rule?  I really don't get it.

Oh, and he'd been a sperm donor to his lesbian friends and now they have a daughter.  They live on the other side of the world now.  He doesn't consider her to be his child, but he would be the guardian if something happened to her parents.  So his genes will carry on, even if he gets the vasectomy.

I swear, I can't make this stuff up.  He assured me that was all the baggage on the table, and he doesn't have any more surprises for me.

I told him I guessed the thing he had to talk to me about involved joining a swinger's club because I was running out of subjects he'd hesitate to talk to me about.  He thought that was funny and we actually had a nice conversation about monogamy and cheating.

He keeps telling me we're not as different as I think we are.

He is being amazingly sweet to me.  Mildly awkward/embarrassing when meeting my family and friends, should I be concerned?  (He has a tendency to make jokes about punishing stupid people/ misbehaving children quite harshly, and I don't find them funny.)

Anyways, we'll keep walking down this road and see where it goes.


Tuesday 20 August 2013

Opposite ends of the spectrum

So, I'm posting twice the same day.  I went back to Nerdboy's house tonight, and we watched half a sitcom episode before clothes came off.  I felt a bit of a ...slut, almost, for lack of a better word, going back to his house the same day for more sex.  It's not even that I wanted it very much, I just wanted to see him and hoped we'd talk, FULLY CLOTHED, about the vasectomy, etc.  But he can't stop touching me and it's nice and well, why fight it?
It was more of the same, I needn't go into details.  Not quite as successful.
After, he asked if he could ask me personal questions.  So I had to tell him I'd been single for a year and a bit, that I'd been with Walrus less than a year, and that I had indeed attempted intercourse.  So, he quickly did the math and was silent.  I said, 'I didn't want to tell you any of that.'   Aaaaaaaand, found myself crying. All the shame of all those years of virginity swept over me.  So then he had to tell me he didn't mind, and that when he saw me for the first time, he didn't think I could possibly be there to meet him because I was so pretty.  And then he said, 'We both have things we don't want the other person to know.  I've have a lot of partners, and I lost my virginity very young.  Some people are uncomfortable with that.'  I said, 'Please don't tell me the numbers.  I had already figured out you have had a very different experience with sex than I have.'  He went on about how he liked me for who I was and wanted to help me discover my sexual side, etc.
He said he was falling for me and wouldn't have me change for anything.

I bit my tongue from saying 'Well I still wish you weren't a man-whore'

I don't understand how this nerdy pale boy with hermit tendencies and a $400 replica light sabre can be so sexually active, with both sexes!  And why he's picked me.  And why I like him too.

Have I mentioned that my life is totally weird and I'm exhausted?

Monday 19 August 2013

Two in the bed

So, camp's over and after the wrap party later this week, I'll be back to being semi-employed.  I have lots to work on!  I have stuff at two houses right now, and I have to decide what stuff to keep.

So, feeling scatterbrained and wiped out by everything that's happened. 
I stayed at Nerdboy's house last night.
I napped in his bed while he cooked.  He put something in the oven and came to cuddle me.   I had taken off my jeans for more comfortable sleeping.....so he got a little excited and everybody's clothes came off.  We hadn't seen each other for a few days.  He said he'd had a sexy dream about me.  Mostly he did everything, because I really would have been fine with just napping, but heck, what he was doing felt pretty nice too.  I had to tell him I don't....climax because he kept waiting for something to happen and it wasn't going to.  Um.  He performed oral sex on me, which was a first, and pretty darn awesome.
(oh, so many new things are happening....)
Then supper was ready and we walked around his apartment nearly naked and sat on his couch and ate, still naked.  I blush one minute and instigate something the next...  We talked, and at one point he joked we should just get married.  He's a wee bit intense.  He really likes me though, kept gazing at me adoringly.
I ate so much food I felt a bit gassy and I didn't want to mess around again because I was sure I would fart!  So awkward.  I knew he wanted to do more sexy stuff but I just stalled.  Around 11pm we brushed our teeth and went to bed and I meant to just sleep but we got going again and we tried using my toy, which was embarrassing at first but got interesting.  It's a confusing feeling, a little good but still hurts a little.  He seemed to enjoy being involved and some frank conversations took place. 
Uh, he's decided to get a vasectomy.  I've indicated I don't really want children (complicated subject for me) and he doesn't.  I'm not sure how much this decision has to do with me.  I sorta don't want him to, or just to wait on it a bit more.  He didn't even know I take birth control pills when he decided to do it.  So, I had to explain about cysts and my probable fertility issues. 
Anyways, then we went to sleep.  Neither of us slept well, but it's nice having someone next to you, especially in the morning.  And um, he still wanted more but I was feeling tender down there.   Eventually we uh, found we were rubbing our respective parts together without penetration and this was pretty exciting for both of us.
He had to go to work.  I showered with him, and this time it was me who kept teasing him....Who knew?  I might have a sex life, at long last.  This all feels like a dream.  He kept saying how happy he was, and I am too, although I can't believe I'm with a bisexual man...

Thursday 15 August 2013

Warning: Contains Nudity

So, today has been up and down.
I found out in the morning that a friend had passed away last night.  I know him from volunteering at my favourite summer festival.  He had a big personality and a weird sense of humour and he lived life his own way.  I can't believe he's not in the world anymore.

And then Nerdboy got out of work early to help me move.  I was sitting in my room trying to deal with all the stuff I own and thinking about my friend who passed.  I was just ready to have a cry when Nerdboy showed up with food and a plan.  We got my bed moved and all my clothes.  We visited with my new roommate and his mother, who was visiting from out of town.  She was great.

After, Nerdboy had plans with his cousin, but I didn't know what to do with myself for the evening, so I went to his house for a while, planning to leave when the cousin arrived.

No, backtracking in the story.  Somewhere in there we went to get snacks and he commented on a poster for a sexy/fetish type event.  Yeah, he used to go to those a bit, and also occasionally was in the 'drag' scene.  No, I swear I'm not making this stuff up for good blog material.  He's got a certain blandness about him so these revelations are surprising, and somehow not.

Um, anyways, we went to his house and napped on his bed and then I, yours truly, suggested spooning sans shirts.  I wanted it to stop about there, but of course it didn't and we got down to underwear and touching and it was quite fun.  Um.  Um.  I said I couldn't go further without a toy, and I kept trying to wind it down before the cousin showed up.  Turns out he has a collection of toys (which we didn't use, he just showed me one) and he told me he enjoys giving his partner pleasure more than anything and really likes giving oral, which I haven't experienced.  So, partly I can't figure out why he picked someone so vanilla when he's clearly explored many aspects of sexuality and partly I was relieved that he really wants to work on my problem with me and will actually enjoy it.
Oh, I met the cousin, after scrambling to put clothes back on, blush!

This is a short account of a very strange day.  I'm at my mom's now and am heading back to the new place for my first night being moved out.

Monday 12 August 2013

One awkward talk down, one to go?

There was a lot of texting going on this week between me and the guy.  The guy, the guy...he needs a name.  Lip-ring?  Not-my-type?  Giggles?  Nerdboy?   All so very positive.  I was trying to think what animal he'd be, since I called the last one Walrus.  (I'd be a rabbit, if anyone was curious.)
So, thanks to the infinite time wasting black hole of the internet, I found an animal personality test and it said he was a Porcupine.  Vegetarian, but a little defensive.
I think he'll just be Nerdboy.
Ok, back to my story.

He asked me if I was okay with him taking a short lucrative contract with an evil earth-killing company, which of course I am not, but didn't feel comfortable swaying his choice after... four whole dates.
Later that day he said he was going to tell his parents about me and that they'd want to meet me.  I said something like, 'Wow, we're dating and I'm not freaking out'  which let him say more about how much he likes me.  He said he wasn't nervous around me anymore.  I said it was my turn to be nervous as there was an awkward talk coming up.  He said he had something he had to talk to me about as well.  This was...Thursday evening I believe.  We agreed to discuss in person on Monday.

I borrowed his sweater and told him I wanted to take it to camp with me, and he really liked that.

Friday there was more banter, but at one point Nerdboy texted 'Is it that you want me to fill you with my babies?' which grossed me out no end.  I just said, 'Ignoring that one' and he said 'See, that's why I like you.'
Sigh.  I have no idea if he was joking or genuinely trying to be sexy.   I was at camp and I've told him I don't answer my phone while I'm there (which isn't true, but bought me some time), so the conversation stopped there.  Late that night he sent a sweet (if needy) text about how he was thinking of me wearing his sweater and how happy he was that he met me.....

Having someone who likes me is a novelty I cannot resist.

So on Sunday I asked him to a movie.  I wanted to see him, but felt like going to his place was a bad idea. (Tip: Elysium is pretty dumb,  save your money.)   And he only ever wants to cook me food and cuddle, I think we should get out and do things.  A movie was my idea of a 'normal' date!
Anyways, afterwards he did invite me to his house but I declined.  I said I wanted to get the talk over with and I must have looked miserably determined.  We went for a short walk and there was small talk while I tried to spit it out.  Finally I told him, 'sex is painful for me, I can't relax.'    And he had heard of this problem..apparently the people he hangs out with are very frank about discussing sexual matters.  Anyways, I gave a quick outline of what had been tried.  He seemed unconcerned, just said, 'Well, we can do other things.'  I explained that there was a toy, and that the last boyfriend hadn't been comfortable with it.  He said he was fine with women using toys, and said he'd mostly dated women who identified as bi-sexual since there was common ground...  Yeah, I guess I'm okay with the bisexuality thing but constantly reminded this is someone who's had a very different experience with sex than I have.  How has he had so many partners and yet is so awkward?

He was really sweet about my confession.  I kinda thought he would be.  Actually he confessed he worried all weekend I was going to give him the brush-off.
But he didn't tell me whatever he had to tell me.  What is it?  A medical problem, a fetish?  I hope I can handle it

So.  I guess I'm pretty close to having a boyfriend, and I'm totally surprised by how this is turning out.



Thursday 8 August 2013

That escalated quickly...

Ok, it's not like I slept with him, but you have three dates and suddenly, it's a 'thing'.  The beginnings of a relationship and it's sooooo weird.
I saw him (nameless him....what shall I call him?) again last night.   The plan was supposed to be eating leftovers from the date two nights previous, and watching videos.  Very low-key, as I am exhausted by my never-ending schedule.
He had cooked a new dinner, the same dish again, said he'd taken the leftovers to work.  Weirdo!  I didn't want him to go to any trouble, and if he was going to cook, why not try a new dish?  Anyways, we ate and watched TV but it was so hot in his apartment I didn't want to cuddle.
 I had been thinking about cuddling for two whole days...My brain just kept visualizing if his couch would accommodate spooning or not.
So, I was disappointed and felt things weren't going well.  I didn't know what to say to him.  I suggested we go to a park, we took a board game.  It was actually quite fun.  We both won once.  We talked a bit about online dating- I wasn't really actively doing anything with it, just had the profile up for the occasional browse.  He said he'd almost given up when he found me, said it was the best dating experience he'd had in a while, mentioned kicking someone out of his apartment a few weeks back (what?)  ...
Anyways, he's made it more than clear that he likes me.  He said I was 'beautiful and awkward in a very honest way', which is a bit of a weird compliment but I decided I liked it.
During the board game he joked about me meeting his parents.  Oh, and mentioned that his brother had married an Eleanor as well, which is weeeeeeeeird.
It got dark and we went back to his apartment for cake.  It was ten o'clock and I was overcome by tiredness.  He's a night owl so he wanted to talk ("Whatcha thinking about?") and I just mumbled something about how I'd wanted to cuddle all day.  He stuttered something, and finally it came out, 'This is not a devious proposition, but what if we moved to my bed for more comfortable cuddling.'
I considered this suggestion.  "Spooning?"
'Yes'.
" Okay"
He has a tall loft bed, just a few feet from the couch in his tiny flat.  We both clambered up.  (Clamber is a funny word.)  And we spooned.  And it felt very nice.  Except I just wanted to lie there and he was really excited I was in his bed, I suppose, for he kept moving his hands around and touching my hair, my cheek, my side...not anything more provocative than that.  After a long while I took his hand and placed it over my breast (we were both fully dressed).  Perhaps it's a quirk of mine, but that's where I like the Big Spoon's hand to rest when spooning.  I thought we could just lie quietly but he took that as sign to go ahead and started kissing me, which quite frankly, I liked, but it was late and I needed to get home.  He said he wished he could keep me for the night.  More kissing, but eventually I got down off the big bed.  He walked me to transit.  I told him about Walrus, briefly, obscuring some details.  Some discussion of what we wanted in a relationship.
He's several steps ahead of me.  He used the word 'boyfriend.'  At one point I said I didn't understand why people got married and he just gave me a sheepish grin.

On the way home I discovered Walrus had been texting me that he was feeling down, and when I didn't answer he went on about how I "didn't care about his problems and rightfully so."  Goddamn bloody passive-aggressive feeling sorry for himself.   I can hardly tell him what I was doing at the moment he was texting me! (blush)
I tried to talk to him this morning.  He said he wanted interaction, companionship.  I told him to join a club or volunteer.  End of conversation.  Ugh!

Anyways.  I used the word 'weird' a lot in this post.


Tuesday 6 August 2013

Another flip-flop

So I saw that guy again last night.  He needs a nickname.  Ummmm....I can't think of one so it's 'he' all the way through this.  Sorry.
He wanted to cook me dinner and watch Doctor Who at his place.  I told him I was uncomfortable with that. I suggested a bike ride after dinner instead of watching the show.  He agreed, and said I needn't worry, he just wanted to cook for me and get to know me and maybe kiss me.  I said I felt like he'd be waiting for clues from me to see how much physical contact there was going to be, and there was no way I was going to relax the whole time...
(this was all by text.  sigh.)
Anyways, I went, and I took my bike.  I am learning to ride again, and it's been a month since I've been on it.  I had to take it on transit most of the way, and then I tried to ride the last few blocks to his house, and panicked because I'd never ridden on the street before.  Arrived completely sweaty and shaky.  Gave him a little kiss and tried to clean myself up in his bathroom.
He was making my favourite dish, and it was in the oven.  So we were awkward for a bit, and then ended up on the couch looking at pictures of the hike he'd recently done, and then... holding hands and leaning on each other and kissing a little.  It was so weird, because I kept looking around his apartment and seeing all his nerdboy stuff and not really feeling he was the person I'd pick for myself, and yet there was sweetness in the way he was touching me and goddamnit, I'm almost 32 and he's the second man I've kissed!  So I went along with things, not really sure of what I was doing.  Somebody wanted to cuddle me and my brain turned off a little.

Dinner was good, very filling.  Conversation was fairly light.  I was feeling too full to get on a bike, and it was still a warm evening, so we watched an episode of Doctor Who anyways, and I put my head on his shoulder. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, but I can't say I didn't like it.
So then it was time for the bike ride, and he put air in my tires and adjusted my bike for me.  I was ridiculous, stopping all the time, wobbling, panicking....but he was so supportive and gentle.  I had sorta planned that bike riding would put me at a disadvantage and he wouldn't have to be so nervous.  Well it worked.  I made a fool of myself and he shone.   And it was a hot summer's night and everybody was out walking and biking and they cheered me on too...  We biked for about an hour.  I was again a sweaty shaky mess, but proud of myself.

And there was kissing all along the way, and then we went back to his apartment for a Tardis cake (we are such nerds!) he'd made me, but my poor body couldn't handle it after the bike ride so we just cuddled.  At that point brain and body had had more than they could take, and had decided to switch completely off.  I was feeling pretty comfortable.  And then finally there was real conversation, although I can't remember how it started. I said he didn't seem to like himself on the last date.   He said he had a complicated relationship with himself and struggled with depression a bit but he knew how to get himself out of it now, and that he'd gone to a psychiatrist for four years until he/she moved away.   And I told him I'd been to counselling for a bit as well.  And we talked about my environmental beliefs and he said he worried he wasn't what I wanted but he was willing to try and he thought it would be good for him.  I said something about being overwhelmed with everything that was going on, moving out and suchlike,  and he said we'd just take it slow and if he wasn't the guy for me, so be it.
At this point we'd been together for more than 5 hours and I was so tired, it felt like I was dreaming.  I hope what I remember is what was really said.

In short, he was completely sweet the whole time, it felt wonderful to be held, there was a sort of chasteness about the kisses, although we did sort of try real kisses, they didn't seem to work. I'm completely thrown off by the lip ring.  I'm still worried he could turn out to be needy or that he won't live up to my high expectations, but by the end of the evening I was more than willing to see him again.
How weird this is.  How weird is my whole life.