So I've been feeling really overwhelmed by everything that has happened this summer. I don't feel at home anywhere, I'm not sure of who I am sometimes...
I think good things are happening, but I'm feeling like a newbie at so many things that I'm having a hard time keeping my sh*t together.
Newly moved out, newly in a relationship, new at sex, new at being vegetarian, new at jogging, new at cycling, new at being tidy and organized (failing at this...I have stuff at three different houses right now) and still looking for a way to earn an income. New at being a grown-up, in short.
Ok, first the sexy stuff, because this is/was a virginity blog.
Nerdboy made me dinner and cake for my birthday. I slept over. We had penetrative sex, it's getting easier and once he was in all the way it stopped being uncomfortable. He was able to go um...pretty hard and he...came inside of me (in a condom) which was a first. Afterwards we held each other for a long time and talked. Errr.... I think we're engaged! This was because I joked early on in the relationship that if we got sex to work I'd probably propose. So then after our lovemaking (...never thought that word would apply to me!) I said, 'What colour bridesmaid dresses do you want?' And he's agreed to marry me...this is all just pretend, right? Because when he said he'd marry me I suddenly got very terrified and he said, 'You're shaking!' (We did talk about how it's scary to fall in love.) The whole evening was lovely and he got a thousand Boyfriend Points.
On the weekend I had some art installed at a festival and he helped me fix some technical issues on a piece, then helped me transport and install everything, stayed for the whole event and then helped me take down everything at night and drove it all back to my place. Sounds like an amazing boyfriend, except he was so grumpy for parts of it that I was seriously stressing out. I was trying to decide where to put each piece, he said I was indecisive. It was difficult to find out who was in charge and when I hesitated to ask when I needed help from the organizers, he said I was scared of everything. I've done this event twice without him, but if my confidence starts to dip, I fall apart. I tried to suggest he could leave and come back, he could nap in the car, then I got snapped at for 'fussing' over him. "I'm not Walrus", he said, "I'm fine and stop worrying about me."
Partly he was just tired and hungry. But when our work was done and we went to see all the installations, the crowds stressed him out, he grumbled at people using flash photography or when he was bumped into....he kept suggesting improvements for everything he saw.... I just wanted him to 'be in the moment' (I dislike this phrase) and just see the beauty of the evening. Later though, when people were commenting on my art, I think he was proud of me and enjoyed talking about being the artist's boyfriend.
He's all fired up about how to use technology for the type of sculptures I make. I love that they're low tech, although I've experimented with using fancy gadgets, I keep going back to the simpler materials.
So I'm torn. I'm open to new ideas, it would be fun to collaborate with someone if we find we work well together, and he's good with tools and making stuff, but on the other hand, this is my art and there's a certain point where I'll be protective of that. New territory there- the boyfriend who wants to be involved in my art. Huh.
Wait, wait, I'm supposed to talk about the sexy times. So after all that, we went back to his house and had some Bailey's and doughnuts and watched TV and he was all lovely again. And there was more sex, because now that it's working, we do that a lot. And it was even easier this time, and we tried me going on top, and that was great because I could control it. I couldn't believe it didn't hurt, that it was working, it was even somewhat pleasurable. And then I started crying and my tears fell in his eyes. So that was awkward, but at least it made us laugh and I was getting braver in my movements. He said, 'uh, I'm going to come' and he wasn't wearing a condom and he said, 'you take birth control, but it's your body' and I said 'I want to feel that' and I let him come inside me and as he did I started breathing very heavily and getting very excited and then after I felt suddenly tired and yet emotional. "What happened there?" he said. "Did you orgasm?"
I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I think maybe I did. We orgasmed together for my first one.
I can't even explain how much grinning, crying, 'I can't believe this is real' and spontaneous bear hugs happened that evening.
In the middle of the night I regretted not making him wear a condom. As far as I understand, I am not very fertile due to my PCOS, and I'm on birth control, but there is that 0.1% chance that pregnancy is possible. I will not allow that again. (Yeah, in the one week left before his vasectomy)
The other thing I wonder about- I get really excited by his orgasm, and even though he does sexy things to me for hours with his hands and mouth, all I really want is penetration or him finishing. The other stuff doesn't really excite me, sometimes it feels like I'm numb it does so little for me.
Maybe I spent so many years wondering about sex, masturbating almost in desperation, that my sex life will be forever coloured by that.
Nerdboy has asked me a bit about my sexual experience, and right before the session with the (possible) orgasm, he asked me why I thought he'd reject me the night I told him about my vaginismus. I couldn't even answer, my eyes filled with tears. I'm trying to explain to him what I'm going through. All he knows is that I cry a lot even though I'm happy. I feel like I'm being forced to face the pain and shame of all those years of being the secret adult virgin. I don't know how I got through them, I must have ignored and repressed so much of it. Seriously, it's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I am.
Sorry to readers who are still waiting to lose the 'virgin' label. I know I don't sound very positive, but everything hasn't been magically fixed and it wasn't worth the wait.
I'm really happy, it's a wild adventure, I feel like I've been unlocked, but I will always regret the years I spent without love.
On the positive side, better late than never, and it wasn't too late for me.
~~~~~
Doubts.
He doesn't care about the environment like I do, he's pro-technology and I'm a Luddite, he's probably not as intellectual as I aspire to be, he has a past, he's a little bit OCD and stuck in his ways, he likes internet cat memes and bad dance music...
I expected someone more in line with my values, and yet we have a good time together. He's been wonderful and patient and he's crazy about me.
And yet. Sometimes he speaks a bit bluntly to me, and I take it too hard. Is this just how men communicate, with directness, and I'm being too sensitive? I say nothing and sulk. Or should I say, 'Wow, hon. That was ruder than necessary' ?
I guess the initial romantic haze wears off sometimes, and you find out if you can love someone warts and all.
Monday 23 September 2013
Sunday 15 September 2013
Success!
Last night we came home (to his place) after a full day of festival stuff and despite the late hour, we started fooling around.
And it worked. He was all the way inside of me. It took a while, it hurt a tiny bit at first but got better. At one point I propped my head up so I could look at what was happening. Not to be kinky, merely because I didn't believe it was really happening.
So there you go. V-card well and truly punched now.
I suppose it's too early to say I'm cured and vaginismus won't be a problem for us ever again, but at least I know sex is not an impossibility. I'm actually excited to try other positions! And I kept grinning at him, which caused him to say 'I've never made a woman so happy with my penis' which was quite funny. Poor boy, I'm so emotional about this I'm sure I'm very confusing. Grinning, blushing, breaking into tears....
I almost wonder if going through this hasn't brought the two of us together in a deeper bond. Maybe this will make our relationship stronger than if we'd just jumped into bed right away. Although he keeps reminding me that we have been having sex for weeks now, just not P in V sex.
He's been really wonderful about the whole thing, and I know he liked being 'the one' who finally got to do the deed.
And I thought no one would want me.
We've had a great time doing the festival together. It's amazing how quickly this has all happened. Living together is already being seriously discussed, half-serious jokes about marriage. Do I really only sleep with two men my whole life? Is that going to be my story? The odds are against that, I suppose. I try not to look too far ahead, but every once in a while I get a twinge about how good it is now and how badly it could end. The story of so many love affairs....There's still so much we don't know about each other. Right now my heart is full to bursting for my dorky guy.
And it worked. He was all the way inside of me. It took a while, it hurt a tiny bit at first but got better. At one point I propped my head up so I could look at what was happening. Not to be kinky, merely because I didn't believe it was really happening.
So there you go. V-card well and truly punched now.
I suppose it's too early to say I'm cured and vaginismus won't be a problem for us ever again, but at least I know sex is not an impossibility. I'm actually excited to try other positions! And I kept grinning at him, which caused him to say 'I've never made a woman so happy with my penis' which was quite funny. Poor boy, I'm so emotional about this I'm sure I'm very confusing. Grinning, blushing, breaking into tears....
I almost wonder if going through this hasn't brought the two of us together in a deeper bond. Maybe this will make our relationship stronger than if we'd just jumped into bed right away. Although he keeps reminding me that we have been having sex for weeks now, just not P in V sex.
He's been really wonderful about the whole thing, and I know he liked being 'the one' who finally got to do the deed.
And I thought no one would want me.
We've had a great time doing the festival together. It's amazing how quickly this has all happened. Living together is already being seriously discussed, half-serious jokes about marriage. Do I really only sleep with two men my whole life? Is that going to be my story? The odds are against that, I suppose. I try not to look too far ahead, but every once in a while I get a twinge about how good it is now and how badly it could end. The story of so many love affairs....There's still so much we don't know about each other. Right now my heart is full to bursting for my dorky guy.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
Finally
Dear internet,
I finally had sex. It wasn't great, it wasn't that comfortable, he didn't go in that deep but it was something resembling sex without me crying in pain. I was crying, grinning, shaking, very emotional.
We were fooling around and I felt ready so I tried going on top, and all the muscles tightened and I started crying in frustration, sitting on top of him. It was ridiculous. I was just sobbing and angry. He held me and stroked my hair and after a long time, he started slowly touching me again and after a lot of that, he put his body over mine and gently pushed against me, without the intention of going in, but it did. We put a pillow under my hips and we were able to go a little bit deeper. I said, 'This is SO EXCITING!" and he said I was a strange and wonderful woman. I told him he'd just taken what was left of my virginity.
Still a ways to go, but a huge step forward.
I finally had sex. It wasn't great, it wasn't that comfortable, he didn't go in that deep but it was something resembling sex without me crying in pain. I was crying, grinning, shaking, very emotional.
We were fooling around and I felt ready so I tried going on top, and all the muscles tightened and I started crying in frustration, sitting on top of him. It was ridiculous. I was just sobbing and angry. He held me and stroked my hair and after a long time, he started slowly touching me again and after a lot of that, he put his body over mine and gently pushed against me, without the intention of going in, but it did. We put a pillow under my hips and we were able to go a little bit deeper. I said, 'This is SO EXCITING!" and he said I was a strange and wonderful woman. I told him he'd just taken what was left of my virginity.
Still a ways to go, but a huge step forward.
Tuesday 10 September 2013
September, directionless
Well not a lot to report, but life continues to be very busy.
Walrus' father had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a few days. I think he's home again now. I've only been texting Walrus for updates. Not sure if I'm expected to visit.
I made Nerdboy sign up to volunteer for the festival I interned at last fall. I signed up to do quite a few shifts and I thought he could be involved as well, or I wouldn't see him while the festival was on. He ended up taking on as many shifts as me, and he works full time. And he wants to see everything at the festival! I've created a monster!
He's really enjoying it though, but he's completely wiped out. I wanted to take a night off....to cuddle (cough, cough) but he doesn't want to miss a thing at the fest. Sigh. After two weeks off, (the yeast infection and my time of the month) I'd like to get back to working on the whole having penetrative sex thing.
I have a gynecologist appointment scheduled, but not until December. I'm hoping we figure things out on our own before then. Progress has been great. I am able to wear tampons now for the first time in my life.
So I'm at the festival every day, on my own or with him. I've been letting interesting job postings go by without applying, and that has to stop. It was great to have time to deal with the move and spend time with my new fellow after a very busy summer, but September has that 'back to reality' feeling and I want a more settled routine. Nerdboy and I are both introverts and need time to ourselves, he wants to stay on track with his jogging routine, I need to make art. I just don't think things are balanced but hopefully it will get settled soon. Probably then I'll miss how much time we spent together.
I just sent in an application for a leadership training program. It would be free for me if I am accepted, but it's a major time commitment, 1 to 2 days a week for seven months.
One of the questions on the application was 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years, if your dreams came true?'
I couldn't answer it. I've thought about it, I have lots of things that interest me. Life just feels too shook up right now to look beyond a few months from today.
I'm wondering if I'll have a major freakout before Nerdboy goes for his vasectomy. It's coming up soon.
I don't feel settled into my new place. I'm at Nerdboy's two or three nights a week, I mean sleeping there, and I'm there for dinner almost every night. I feel more at home there. It's weird living with strangers. The new female roommate had a death in the family and has mainly stayed in her room.
I did my laundry this morning, at my place, and nearly had a small breakdown because I didn't want to hang my underwear up for the whole neighbourhood (and my male roommate) to see. In the suburbs I had a fenced backyard and no one could see the clothesline. All the little things that used to be easy now have to be relearned or rethought.
(In the end I put the underwear outside, the bras and reusable feminine hygiene pads inside on a drying rack in my room.)
Anyways, things are new and exciting and tiring and what is going to happen next?
Walrus' father had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a few days. I think he's home again now. I've only been texting Walrus for updates. Not sure if I'm expected to visit.
I made Nerdboy sign up to volunteer for the festival I interned at last fall. I signed up to do quite a few shifts and I thought he could be involved as well, or I wouldn't see him while the festival was on. He ended up taking on as many shifts as me, and he works full time. And he wants to see everything at the festival! I've created a monster!
He's really enjoying it though, but he's completely wiped out. I wanted to take a night off....to cuddle (cough, cough) but he doesn't want to miss a thing at the fest. Sigh. After two weeks off, (the yeast infection and my time of the month) I'd like to get back to working on the whole having penetrative sex thing.
I have a gynecologist appointment scheduled, but not until December. I'm hoping we figure things out on our own before then. Progress has been great. I am able to wear tampons now for the first time in my life.
So I'm at the festival every day, on my own or with him. I've been letting interesting job postings go by without applying, and that has to stop. It was great to have time to deal with the move and spend time with my new fellow after a very busy summer, but September has that 'back to reality' feeling and I want a more settled routine. Nerdboy and I are both introverts and need time to ourselves, he wants to stay on track with his jogging routine, I need to make art. I just don't think things are balanced but hopefully it will get settled soon. Probably then I'll miss how much time we spent together.
I just sent in an application for a leadership training program. It would be free for me if I am accepted, but it's a major time commitment, 1 to 2 days a week for seven months.
One of the questions on the application was 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years, if your dreams came true?'
I couldn't answer it. I've thought about it, I have lots of things that interest me. Life just feels too shook up right now to look beyond a few months from today.
I'm wondering if I'll have a major freakout before Nerdboy goes for his vasectomy. It's coming up soon.
I don't feel settled into my new place. I'm at Nerdboy's two or three nights a week, I mean sleeping there, and I'm there for dinner almost every night. I feel more at home there. It's weird living with strangers. The new female roommate had a death in the family and has mainly stayed in her room.
I did my laundry this morning, at my place, and nearly had a small breakdown because I didn't want to hang my underwear up for the whole neighbourhood (and my male roommate) to see. In the suburbs I had a fenced backyard and no one could see the clothesline. All the little things that used to be easy now have to be relearned or rethought.
(In the end I put the underwear outside, the bras and reusable feminine hygiene pads inside on a drying rack in my room.)
Anyways, things are new and exciting and tiring and what is going to happen next?
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Little tidbits I forgot
I met Nerdboy's parents. He is not on great terms with them. He told me I would be interrogated.
They were nice enough, and he was able to make conversation with them without any awkward moments so they didn't quite live up to the dark picture he'd painted. They're pretty 'Leave It to Beaver' though so I can see why they wouldn't be supportive of their son's sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.
At one point they found out I work with children a lot and you could see their eyes light up. I knew what they were thinking: "Grandchildren!"
They sent him an email after saying they thought I was lovely.
---------
Just found out Big Hands has a girlfriend.
Her name is Eleanor.
Just to recap, Nerdboy's brother married an Eleanor, and Big Hands is dating an Eleanor.
I have only met about 5 Eleanors in my entire life, so what are the chances?
I felt a little twinge when I found out Big Hands is dating, but it passed quickly. I think I did have a tiny fantasy that if things didn't work out with Nerdboy I would tell Big Hands I had a crush on him, but him dating two Eleanors in a row is just weird.
They were nice enough, and he was able to make conversation with them without any awkward moments so they didn't quite live up to the dark picture he'd painted. They're pretty 'Leave It to Beaver' though so I can see why they wouldn't be supportive of their son's sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.
At one point they found out I work with children a lot and you could see their eyes light up. I knew what they were thinking: "Grandchildren!"
They sent him an email after saying they thought I was lovely.
---------
Just found out Big Hands has a girlfriend.
Her name is Eleanor.
Just to recap, Nerdboy's brother married an Eleanor, and Big Hands is dating an Eleanor.
I have only met about 5 Eleanors in my entire life, so what are the chances?
I felt a little twinge when I found out Big Hands is dating, but it passed quickly. I think I did have a tiny fantasy that if things didn't work out with Nerdboy I would tell Big Hands I had a crush on him, but him dating two Eleanors in a row is just weird.
Road trip report
Nerdboy and I survived our first trip together. We still seem to like each other.
I did get a glimpse of the ways we'll drive each other crazy later.
We went a 5 hours drive from the city to attend my uncle's wedding. My uncle was single again, after a marriage and a long term girlfriend, and somehow reconnected with his high school crush, 40 years later. A month after they got together, he found out he had cancer. She decided to stick with it and so they got married. It was a big deal for me to attend because I haven't talked to my father in over a year and thus haven't seen his side of the family.
Nerdboy is super organized and bought all the food and planned the route. He also tended to pick the music. He likes to listen to a whole album, or everything by one artist; I like to just let it shuffle for as much variety as possible. Perhaps I should have insisted on my music for a bit, but I think the rule should be 'Driver's choice'. I won't go into all my little complaints but travelling shows how the other person deals with stress. We're both neurotic in different ways. There will be fights in the future. Must learn to keep perspective.
He was going to split the costs of the trip with me but I insisted it was my responsibility to pay. I couldn't even believe he was coming along. Meeting all my family at once can hardly be fun for him. Dealing with my dad was awkward; Nerdboy wanted to snub him to support me but didn't.... Dad thinks things are fine again and I could hardly talk to him about it in the middle of a family event. But we endured the social strain of the family gathering; Nerdboy got along with my cousins, nobody interrogated him, and we got to sleep in a tent together.
Oh yeah, we were supposed to not do sexy things for a week because of my yeast infection, doctor's orders. That didn't last. He was going nuts and kept saying suggestive things to me, and so there was a lot of touching. Probably wasn't the best idea but the worst of the infection seems to be over. It was only a week ago he managed to get the tip of his penis in. I want to try that again but we held off. We're both longing to be able to have penetrative sex but he is being really really great about doing the things we can do and enjoying it.
Now that he's officially my boyfriend and a big part of my life, I feel funny about blogging about him and keeping this blog secret from him. So maybe I blog about progress with sex or any major milestones without blogging about him personally. I've already shared his personal stuff so that's crappy of me. Not sure what to do.
Also I got an email from a reader asking if maybe I was just in love with having someone rather than with him. (Is anyone else having problems commenting? I really don't know how to fix it, but I do occasionally check the gmail address for this blog.)
That is a danger for lonely people, just taking anybody who comes along. I guess everybody has doubts in a new relationship. Is this going to work? Is he the one? Does he still like me? If Nerdboy is preoccupied I'm sure he's falling out of love with me, and I know he's equally as insecure.
And the beginning of a relationship is so wonderful and it will gradually lose some magic so why not keep finding new love and adventures to keep it exciting? I don't want this 'honeymoon' to end. He's already telling me about his bowel movements.
(Side note: at the family gathering I observed some life-long married couples, who have been together 40 or 50 years, taking care of each other in their old age and it was very touching. Can't help but want that.)
With Walrus it was probably more 'This is what it's like to have a boyfriend' rather than that I was actually in love with him. With Nerdboy, I find we actually laugh more, plan more, can't keep our hands off each other.... I'm having a lot of fun. I gaze at him adoringly. We have strengths that can compliment each other.
On the other hand, he doesn't share my environmental values and lifestyle. He can be a bit bitter and socially awkward. Sometimes I think about my crush on Big Hands and wish Nerdboy had some of his idealism and generous nature. But in general, it really feels like it's working. We keep looking at each other and saying, "it's only been five weeks since we met! How did we get to this point?" And he talks about living together and even marriage and it's way too soon but I am relatively not freaked out by the idea. My friend in the North moved to a new province (ok, territory for the Canadians in the crowd) to be with someone she'd only spent a week with and it's working for her.
So I don't know. Maybe we're both just lonely people but I have a feeling a lot of relationships start that way. Nerdboy has his demons and I haven't had to deal with them yet, but I can sense what they are. And I have my ideals and dreams that maybe aren't compatible with his in the long run (having children? living off the land?) but I tend to want my dearest people in my life to be exactly like me, and maybe that's not the right thing for me. Love is a lot more complicated than that. I think I might subscribe to the "love the one you're with" philosophy. If we both get something out of it, what else matters? I seem to have stopped being cautious, I was trying for a bit.
I did get a glimpse of the ways we'll drive each other crazy later.
We went a 5 hours drive from the city to attend my uncle's wedding. My uncle was single again, after a marriage and a long term girlfriend, and somehow reconnected with his high school crush, 40 years later. A month after they got together, he found out he had cancer. She decided to stick with it and so they got married. It was a big deal for me to attend because I haven't talked to my father in over a year and thus haven't seen his side of the family.
Nerdboy is super organized and bought all the food and planned the route. He also tended to pick the music. He likes to listen to a whole album, or everything by one artist; I like to just let it shuffle for as much variety as possible. Perhaps I should have insisted on my music for a bit, but I think the rule should be 'Driver's choice'. I won't go into all my little complaints but travelling shows how the other person deals with stress. We're both neurotic in different ways. There will be fights in the future. Must learn to keep perspective.
He was going to split the costs of the trip with me but I insisted it was my responsibility to pay. I couldn't even believe he was coming along. Meeting all my family at once can hardly be fun for him. Dealing with my dad was awkward; Nerdboy wanted to snub him to support me but didn't.... Dad thinks things are fine again and I could hardly talk to him about it in the middle of a family event. But we endured the social strain of the family gathering; Nerdboy got along with my cousins, nobody interrogated him, and we got to sleep in a tent together.
Oh yeah, we were supposed to not do sexy things for a week because of my yeast infection, doctor's orders. That didn't last. He was going nuts and kept saying suggestive things to me, and so there was a lot of touching. Probably wasn't the best idea but the worst of the infection seems to be over. It was only a week ago he managed to get the tip of his penis in. I want to try that again but we held off. We're both longing to be able to have penetrative sex but he is being really really great about doing the things we can do and enjoying it.
Now that he's officially my boyfriend and a big part of my life, I feel funny about blogging about him and keeping this blog secret from him. So maybe I blog about progress with sex or any major milestones without blogging about him personally. I've already shared his personal stuff so that's crappy of me. Not sure what to do.
Also I got an email from a reader asking if maybe I was just in love with having someone rather than with him. (Is anyone else having problems commenting? I really don't know how to fix it, but I do occasionally check the gmail address for this blog.)
That is a danger for lonely people, just taking anybody who comes along. I guess everybody has doubts in a new relationship. Is this going to work? Is he the one? Does he still like me? If Nerdboy is preoccupied I'm sure he's falling out of love with me, and I know he's equally as insecure.
And the beginning of a relationship is so wonderful and it will gradually lose some magic so why not keep finding new love and adventures to keep it exciting? I don't want this 'honeymoon' to end. He's already telling me about his bowel movements.
(Side note: at the family gathering I observed some life-long married couples, who have been together 40 or 50 years, taking care of each other in their old age and it was very touching. Can't help but want that.)
With Walrus it was probably more 'This is what it's like to have a boyfriend' rather than that I was actually in love with him. With Nerdboy, I find we actually laugh more, plan more, can't keep our hands off each other.... I'm having a lot of fun. I gaze at him adoringly. We have strengths that can compliment each other.
On the other hand, he doesn't share my environmental values and lifestyle. He can be a bit bitter and socially awkward. Sometimes I think about my crush on Big Hands and wish Nerdboy had some of his idealism and generous nature. But in general, it really feels like it's working. We keep looking at each other and saying, "it's only been five weeks since we met! How did we get to this point?" And he talks about living together and even marriage and it's way too soon but I am relatively not freaked out by the idea. My friend in the North moved to a new province (ok, territory for the Canadians in the crowd) to be with someone she'd only spent a week with and it's working for her.
So I don't know. Maybe we're both just lonely people but I have a feeling a lot of relationships start that way. Nerdboy has his demons and I haven't had to deal with them yet, but I can sense what they are. And I have my ideals and dreams that maybe aren't compatible with his in the long run (having children? living off the land?) but I tend to want my dearest people in my life to be exactly like me, and maybe that's not the right thing for me. Love is a lot more complicated than that. I think I might subscribe to the "love the one you're with" philosophy. If we both get something out of it, what else matters? I seem to have stopped being cautious, I was trying for a bit.
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