Well, Elno, you're certainly in a different life than you were this summer. You're living with a man, you have sex, you jog, sometimes, and you're still hopelessly lost career-wise. And sometimes you don't really believe any of this is happening!
I'm sorta running out of money, my teaching gigs got cancelled again and I'm left with a spotty schedule. Had to dip into the savings. At least I've never been in debt.
I seem to have accepted Nerdboy for Nerdboy, although sometimes I do worry about the deeper stuff. A recent discussion about buying a pvr showed our different viewpoints on meaningful uses of time and money...it's still less than ideal but we seem to work well together in general
Yeah. So that's the update. Nerdboy and I are going strong, I'm super stressed about money, I'm putting a lot of energy into a lot of different avenues, which might be inefficient, and I'm a feeling a little bit lonely because I don't have coworkers to talk to during the day. it's time to reconnect with friends and volunteering, the intense relationship bubble period is probably about done.
Tuesday 28 January 2014
Saturday 11 January 2014
levels of existance
Nerdboy is playing video games. We've just been out running errands. We nearly had a quarrel in the store because he wanted to buy a (brand name) cleaning product with bleach and I only want to use the kinds that say 'natural' and 'green' on it. He said flat out he'd buy it when I wasn't there and I said, "You're going to do what you want anyways" and he picked up a bottle and put it in our basket. I should have at least made my case that this product gets a failing grade from Environmental Working Group and that we should at least try green cleaner alternatives first...Now I've got a bottle of this poisonous stuff in my house.
Same old conflict. He said, "Your first reaction is always no." I said, "That is true. My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this. It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"
We got three new dishclothes, victory for me. I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.
Oh, little details. You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live. I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs. I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him. Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.
I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low. I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me. I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care. (Even I don't care ALL the time. I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was. But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)
Ok, I'm getting off track. The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit. And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit. They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly. But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him. There could be dark times in any long term relationship.
She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice. She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.
Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy- I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved. (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'. It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him. He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...
...he seems to have no dreams. His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends. This is so bizarre to me. I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.
He is just coming out of a depression, last year. We've been together such a short time still. Not yet 6 months. I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life. Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy. I don't want him to do it for me. Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that. If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled. But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself. (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)
It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is. Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy. Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice. Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world. Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.
Same old conflict. He said, "Your first reaction is always no." I said, "That is true. My basic position for everything is we don't need to buy this. It means I have to convince myself to let stuff into my life"
We got three new dishclothes, victory for me. I think I mentioned he has one smelly cloth and I was raised to use a clean one every day.
Oh, little details. You learn so much about yourself when faced with how other people live. I need a new way to deal with our conflicting viewpoints, I can't just take the moral high ground, as I see it, and refuse to make my case or listen to his needs. I just feel like I'm informed about environmental issues and he isn't and of course he should try to save the earth, by doing what I tell him. Other than recycling, I'm not making much headway with his habits.
I went to visit Instafriend, she's been having health struggles and she's feeling a little low. I told her about Nerdboy not understanding the issue that's most important to me. I'm feeling alternately angry and depressed about all the ways the world is messed up, and let's face it, people don't care. (Even I don't care ALL the time. I bought some cheap storage basket today and Nerdboy teased me it was made by child labour, and it probably was. But it was perfect to fit under our dresser!)
Ok, I'm getting off track. The basic point is that I read depressing books about environmental issues, almost constantly, and I want to talk to someone about them, and I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Instafriend does share some of my environmental concerns so at least talking to her helped a bit. And she talked about her marriage, about some of the troubles they've had, the big fight when her husband brought home a giant TV, how she's come to accept his video game habit. They're actually a good couple, they support each other, they have a social life, regular date nights and go swimming together weekly. But early in their marriage, he hit her once and she almost left him. There could be dark times in any long term relationship.
She said she didn't realize how much marriage formally committed her to her choice. She chose her husband, she chose to love him even though some things will always drive her crazy.
Instafriend said some perhaps insightful things about Nerdboy- I talked about him fighting so hard to create an identity different from his parents', and having them accept him...I told her a little about how he's done everything sexually and mostly to please his partners.... and that he jumps onto my art projects, all my projects actually, and has advise or wants to get involved. (these little tidbits were revealed in a long conversation and at the end she put them together into a theory-- maybe he's still struggling with his own identity, he's so willing to latch on to others'. It could explain why he was so devastated when his last partner left him. He has his quirks, he does know himself and is somewhat self-aware, but...
...he seems to have no dreams. His hobbies aren't challenging, he isn't involved with any groups, he has few friends. This is so bizarre to me. I'm an artist, I'm head-in-the-clouds, pie-in-the-sky. I am always, always, always, reading about big ideas, making stuff and creating, finding something wrong with me I want to work on, and dreaming of what I want to to be, and what I want the world to be.
His dreams seem to be 'what I'd do if I won the lottery' type stuff.
He is just coming out of a depression, last year. We've been together such a short time still. Not yet 6 months. I haven't actually asked him what he wants from life. Instafriend thought I should tell him that I think volunteering is sexy. I don't want him to do it for me. Oh, it's a little bit of a lie every time somebody says that. If he did it for me, I'd be thrilled. But I hope that he finds it worthwhile for himself. (I read some books on behavior change- start doing the behavior, it becomes part of your identity and you justify how it fits your identity and values after.)
It's hard to explain, but I feel like if I could just ignore my loftier ambitions in life, I'd be content with life as it is. Day to day life, squabbles aside, is quietly happy. Going to sleep with someone's arms around you- pretty darn nice. Nerdboy and I have fun together, we're playful, we have projects to do, we both like efficiency in certain ways so we get things done. There are lots of reasons why I'm with him.
And I'm trying to start making money as an artist, and I like thinking like an entrepreneur, it's sorta like playing 'Lemonade Tycoon' in real life.... But in real life I worry about making decorative items when people have so much stuff already....I want art to be a publicly owned good, I don't want to make trinkets....that's a bit hard to explain quickly but to sum up, what I want to do for a living doesn't quite jive with my vision for the world. Environmental activism doesn't make money...I don't want fancy stuff but I would love to own a house and land of my own someday.
Monday 6 January 2014
every day more life happens
So, I lucked out and found a great artist studio near my place (Nerdboy's place, which is now mine as well). It's $250 a month but it might be worth it just for the storage space. My goal for this year is simply to make enough to cover the cost of the studio with my art. Aim high! But really, it takes time to set up the relationships and find the market for my creative talents. Make it and they will come?
My grandmother died just before Christmas so I have to go out of town for the service and have to face my father this week.
Nerdboy. Oh, Nerdboy. We've been moving in my stuff, rearranging things, running errands. We've been driving each other a little crazy I think. His Christmas gift to me was a bit of a flop. A Doctor Who sonic screwdriver pen! He doesn't get the environmentalism thing at all. I just saw an overpackaged novelty item I can't recycle. There is a good chance he will never understand how I think about buying 'stuff'' (Everything is analyzed for its usefulness, longevity, ethical production, carbon footprint, etc) while he just sees the latest toy as 'cool' 'affordable' and 'I want it!'.
~~~~~
Finally getting around to finishing this post, a week later.
Went to the small town where my grandparents live to attend my Grandma's funeral. I stayed at my uncle's, my dad also stayed there. His side of the family is huge so there were always relatives around. It was awkward but we were polite. On the morning of the last day of the trip (I drove up with my sister) he cornered me at breakfast and said, "Eleanor, we should start the New Year off right." I just froze and made a face, probably- really wasn't handling that like a grown-up. I mumbled something about I had to do it my way (the letter I promised I'd write him.) and he got angry and said, "I don't think you're treating me fairly and I'm very upset about that." I walked away.
Came home for New Year's Eve, still mourning and a bit stressed. Wanted to give the keys back to the roommate but he wanted me to clean the bathroom. I showered there once in December, Nerdboy was furious and wanted me to refuse. I hate conflict so I agreed to do it New Year's Day. Spent New Year's Eve at home with Nerdboy. In bed. Naked. Probably my best New Year's Eve ever.
Since then, we've been busy unpacking and reorganizing our place and setting up my studio. Nerdboy's been so helpful, I couldn't have done this alone. He had holidays, he said some saucy things about having morning sex every day but we haven't done anything since New Years. I don't really understand his sex drive or how to initiate sex so I just wait for him to give a sign but this week it was all cuddles. Sigh.
Not a lot new to report. Living together seems to work okay, we sometimes drive each other crazy but we talk about it. I noticed he does what he wants, while I always check in (he puts on his music, I ask permission.) Last time I asked, he chose music he thought I'd like. I tried to tell him I wanted to choose my own music. Next time, I just do it. I live here too.
The deeper issue still exists-- I'm so idealistic and he's not. He works fulltime, when he's home he wants to goof off. I believe life is about more than video games and internet cats. Humanity is facing a great crisis and we should all be acting to help others, to create change!! I've been skipping out on some of my volunteer activities while I'm in the 'new relationship' phase, but I'm going to go crazy if I'm not trying to act on what I care about. What if I sorta...look down on Nerdboy? That isn't going to work. How can I tell him why I get sullen and withdrawn when he spends hours at the computer without sounding like I'm judging him?
I guess a relationship is working if both parties think it's working. Clearly I'm not quite satisfied, although day to day, life is quite good with Nerdboy. I don't know.
My grandmother died just before Christmas so I have to go out of town for the service and have to face my father this week.
Nerdboy. Oh, Nerdboy. We've been moving in my stuff, rearranging things, running errands. We've been driving each other a little crazy I think. His Christmas gift to me was a bit of a flop. A Doctor Who sonic screwdriver pen! He doesn't get the environmentalism thing at all. I just saw an overpackaged novelty item I can't recycle. There is a good chance he will never understand how I think about buying 'stuff'' (Everything is analyzed for its usefulness, longevity, ethical production, carbon footprint, etc) while he just sees the latest toy as 'cool' 'affordable' and 'I want it!'.
~~~~~
Finally getting around to finishing this post, a week later.
Went to the small town where my grandparents live to attend my Grandma's funeral. I stayed at my uncle's, my dad also stayed there. His side of the family is huge so there were always relatives around. It was awkward but we were polite. On the morning of the last day of the trip (I drove up with my sister) he cornered me at breakfast and said, "Eleanor, we should start the New Year off right." I just froze and made a face, probably- really wasn't handling that like a grown-up. I mumbled something about I had to do it my way (the letter I promised I'd write him.) and he got angry and said, "I don't think you're treating me fairly and I'm very upset about that." I walked away.
Came home for New Year's Eve, still mourning and a bit stressed. Wanted to give the keys back to the roommate but he wanted me to clean the bathroom. I showered there once in December, Nerdboy was furious and wanted me to refuse. I hate conflict so I agreed to do it New Year's Day. Spent New Year's Eve at home with Nerdboy. In bed. Naked. Probably my best New Year's Eve ever.
Since then, we've been busy unpacking and reorganizing our place and setting up my studio. Nerdboy's been so helpful, I couldn't have done this alone. He had holidays, he said some saucy things about having morning sex every day but we haven't done anything since New Years. I don't really understand his sex drive or how to initiate sex so I just wait for him to give a sign but this week it was all cuddles. Sigh.
Not a lot new to report. Living together seems to work okay, we sometimes drive each other crazy but we talk about it. I noticed he does what he wants, while I always check in (he puts on his music, I ask permission.) Last time I asked, he chose music he thought I'd like. I tried to tell him I wanted to choose my own music. Next time, I just do it. I live here too.
The deeper issue still exists-- I'm so idealistic and he's not. He works fulltime, when he's home he wants to goof off. I believe life is about more than video games and internet cats. Humanity is facing a great crisis and we should all be acting to help others, to create change!! I've been skipping out on some of my volunteer activities while I'm in the 'new relationship' phase, but I'm going to go crazy if I'm not trying to act on what I care about. What if I sorta...look down on Nerdboy? That isn't going to work. How can I tell him why I get sullen and withdrawn when he spends hours at the computer without sounding like I'm judging him?
I guess a relationship is working if both parties think it's working. Clearly I'm not quite satisfied, although day to day, life is quite good with Nerdboy. I don't know.
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