We've been together a year now. Well, from our first date. I'm not sure when we were officially together.
Here's the quick update:
Career: Ugh. Still trying to be an artist, and sometimes trying to be an arts administrator. Right now flat broke but expecting to make $5000 this month. STRESS!
Family: Still not talking to Dad. Nerdboy decided to interfere and wrote to my father telling him to leave me alone. Didn't help the stress levels much.
Sex: Getting much better, getting less afraid to ask for things. Still haven't had an orgasm. Still happens every six days unless one of us is feeling particularly frisky.
Worldview: Still trying to change the world, still angry. Politics and a minor scandal in the Zero Waste Club has soured me on that.
Nerdboy: He's a weird one and I don't understand him. And yet I'm still happy to be reunited after our separate days at work, and cuddling feels safe and comfy.
Two friends have suggested he's mildly 'on the spectrum'. He misses some social clues. He changes topic completely randomly, sometimes inappropriately. He can't deal with big emotions from me. I know he struggles with depression.
As for my baggage, I will start crying if I even think about all the years I was alone. Now that's it's over, I guess I have to process it. I cry weekly (on average) about this and it's a bit ridiculous.
Last night, we were talking about something completely ordinary and somehow the conversation turned to a friend from Nerdboy's youth, and all the wild things they used to do. Nerdboy's youth is scary and shocking to me and makes me physically tense and usually near tears. I want him to share this stuff with me, and yet I get all 'SEX AND DRUGS ARE BAD' and am completely unable to deal with it. Teen sex is a 'trigger' for me, it's so far from my own experiences, and so I think about my own experience and start crying. Gee whiz.
And then Nerdboy started talking about being unable to keep friendships and being an outsider, not understanding social relations, and getting to the point where he doesn't care and doesn't 'follow the rules'. He sounded proud, like he'd cut through a bunch of bullshit. But I didn't totally believe him. He's someone who really wants to be loved.
And he's had so many sexual encounters, and at least a dozen relationships.
I had so many questions, and I couldn't ask most of them. How does a relationship fit into this outsider status? Am I an outsider too, or am I supposed to bring him in to my circles?
(And I reflected afterwards that I felt like my long celibacy made me an outsider in a way. I felt very cut off from understanding what my friends were experiencing. I didn't tell him that though.)
This conversation ended as they always do- him deflecting questions (or randomly talking about movies based on comic books) and me confessing how ashamed I am of my 'late blooming' and crying, and us going to bed.
So I really can't tell what's going to happen. We talk about marriage, and I feel happy about that. Most of the time we get along. We both avoid conflict so maybe something big still needs to be dealt with. He supports me and defends me, but he's still private about his past.
