Tuesday 1 December 2015

stalled again

I have so much to do but need to think things out.  You see, Nerdboy asked me to marry him this summer.  The ring was ordered in August, and I waited and it was never presented to me.  and he stopped talking about wedding plans.  I felt like I imagined the whole thing.
Once I said so- 'Where is my ring?  I must have dreamt this.'  He just said nothing.
During this whole fall, I have been battling a horrible lung infection, always coughing.  I spent a lot of money on medication, and missed a lot of work (and I don't get paid sick days)  It cost me about $1000 I figure.  Plus I actually had two big freelance projects, both still not finished because I've been too tired to work on them.
So, stress.
And Nerdboy has been both amazing, and unsympathetic.  He has made me soup, and tea, and rubbed my back, but he also thinks I should work through the illness.  The cough has come in three waves, I'll have a week where it gets almost better, but I can feel the signs of it coming back and I walk around saying 'FUCK FUCK FUCK I CAN'T STILL BE SICK'.  Nerdboy would say stuff like, 'It's just a cough.'  It is NOT JUST A COUGH.  I cough until I wheeze, sometimes until I throw up.

Despite being sick for over three months, I have my own business of art tutoring, six days a week, and I started a series of green living workshops, which I do for free.

One Saturday morning about a month ago, I had been feeling better, but felt a burning sore throat- Not again!  I started crying in bed.  I was cuddling Nerdboy and I said, 'I'm not doing okay'.  Saturday is my worst work day, I have three teaching gigs and I run all over the city for five hours of work.  I had been trying to push all my projects forward, and just didn't want to have to be strong any more.  Nerdboy let me lie on his shoulder but he didn't say anything, didn't squeeze me tight.  I felt so rejected, I rolled over to the wall and went into foetal position and just lost it, sobbed heavily.  He lay there beside me and didn't speak or move.
He shuts down when I cry.
And I choked out some words- Nerdboy.   How do you feel when I cry.
No answer.
Are you mad at me?
No.
It feels like you're mad.
I was holding you.  You rolled away.
I felt rejected

And so it went, I do all the emotional work through my tears, I just have to say how I'm feeling until he finds something he can respond to and then he's back to being wonderful.  He unfreezes.  It's bizarre.  He gathers me up in his arms, tells me jokes, lets me blubber, is human again.

Somewhere in all this I spit it out- Are we engaged?

heavy sigh from him:  I have the ring and I put it aside for now.  You had a plan to get into (another field of work) and you haven't done anything.

I can't remember what he said, but the gist of it is that I need a job before he'll marry me.  Well, that's the message I got.  He did say, Hey I'm still here.  We're together.

And I haven't dealt with that at all.
Honestly, at the tear-soaked time, I accepted his answer.  At least I wasn't making up the whole proposal thing.  Relationships seem to get into a weird logic of their own.  My friends talk about stuff that I wouldn't put up with, but look at what I do accept in mine and Nerdboy's!
The next day I rethought it and was pissed!  So, what is the minimum income I need to hit to be your partner?

But, I can also see his side.  We've been together more than two years.  I don't have my shit together.  I always owe him money (but I do pay my share.)  We don't even dream of a bigger apartment, or travel.  I have a crying breakdown every two months from the work situations I've gotten into.  (I've lost or left 4 jobs in two years, including one that was a big legal fight).  I don't want him to have to work a boring job, and do all the cooking, while I follow my dreams and have big drama and small success, at his expense.
I'm not happy in working in the arts the way I am.  He suggested (other field) as a way to use my skills in a more stable environment, even if the end product is not really high on artistic merit.

it hasn't been talked about since.  We are loving to each other, day to day life is the same.  But I want a deep talk about the future and what he needs from me, and what I need from him.  Being engaged was fun at first, now it's a mess.