callin' it quits

Last weekend I mostly spent with Nerdboy, the first time I'd slept over since the breakup.  And I knew in my gut it wasn't working.  And we hardly talked all week (I was longing to, but I wanted to see if he would contact me.  He didn't.)  And I had two small announcements- a job interview lined up and a doctor's appt that calls for me to get some testing- and his response was underwhelming.

On Friday I asked if I could see him on the weekend, he didn't answer all day and it was 'yes but not tonight'.  And I decided to do it.

I wrote an email but didn't send it.  An hour later, I just messaged him and blurted (or the typing equivalent of blurting) 'Do you want to just be friends?'
And I waited.  And the response was 'kinda, yeah.  I care about you but I don't know what to do'

And I said ok.

And we had a long chat about our weeks, respective stressful situations, and he was actually focused on what I had to say.  After about an hour, I said...."so..we're just friends then, we've decided?"
 And he said, "yeah, I think that's where we're at.  Take some time if you need it."

"Well, thanks for trying?"
"I'm really sorry.  I was being selfish.  I knew better."

I was in my room at my mother's house, crying, while my family was in the living room.  I don't know if they were aware.

I wanted Nerdboy to fight for me.  I wanted all these two months of off-again on-again to be some epic battle of his head versus his heart, and he would realize that his fear was silly and I was really a great girlfriend (WHICH I WAS)

But, I also remembered all the times I cried in that relationship, and all the dreams I have that he doesn't share...

There is some grief, and some relief.
I think I was kind to 'break up' the way I did.  I wanted to  get angry to list all the reasons behind it but I didn't. And to think he was willing to sleep with me knowing his heart wasn't truly in it.
So what, I win the prize for Purest Love.  And what does that get me?

I'm a bit lost now, I have to find a place to live but my family needs me here for another two months. I might move to a smaller town.  I need to get strategic about the best ways for me to make money, I need to get back to my art and doing things I like.  And don't like---I want to lose the 30 pounds I gained in my time with Nerdboy- and that means exercise and cutting sugar.

Nerdboy did send me a message today:  "if you need to get away for an evening, my door is always open".  And I decided to take his best intentions from that, that he was thinking about me and wanted to be a friend, so I thanked him and said I would, when I was ready.

roller coaster

Oh I haven't written in so long.... I was recording the play-by-play but it got exhausting.
In April he asked to see me, said he wanted to have the talk he should have had with me instead of breaking up.  And I went, and we held hands and kissed and I was so happy, then then next day he freaked and said I hadn't listened to his concerns.
And similar scenarios repeated, two or three more times.  He would reach out to me, I would go to him (and once there was sex) and then he'd last a week before he would cancel our date, or dodge making plans for our next one.

So at this point we're together, about ten days.  I had told him I couldn't do the 'maybe' thing anymore.  He said he needed time.  I thought it was over (and went through a little withdrawal, even though I thought I had made my decision).  We didn't talk for a few days.
Then he told me his company got sold and he's not sure he had a job.  I was sympathetic, he invited me over for dinner.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  I thought I was going as a friend.
We played boardgames and footsies under the table got a little risque.  I stopped him, crying-
You're being bad.
I want to be bad.
Am I your girlfriend?.

He said, 'What does all or nothing look like?' I said, I don't want to move back in.  I need to figure more stuff out, but I need you to be there.'  (i was proud of this answer, at the time).
He said, Okay.
And we've been texting, and I see him every few days.  This weekend I slept over for the first time.  Weird, because I used to live there and now I'm a guest.  And weird, because we know each other so well, and yet we don't know the rules.
But.
It didn't feel right.  I found him a little boring, talking about his craft project endlessly, making the same comments at the same spots in the same tv shows.  We went to a busy convention and he got overwhelmed by the crowd and was rude to a friend of mine that we bumped into.  I was longing for some emotional closeness and was left hanging.
And I found Plenty of Fish online dating still open on his computer.

And when I left, he didn't want to see me the next day, said he had things to get done, even though we'd talked about seeing a movie.  I burst out crying.  He hugged me and said we'd see each other soon.  When i got home he said he got tickets for the movie.

I'm really not sure any more.  The first time we got back together it was like a dream.  Now it's getting farcical.