gush

I'm writing this one just to record it for me.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon.  I went to his house and told him I needed to nap.  And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection.  He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear.  I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion.  I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it.  I haven't said anything yet.  It would have been ridiculous to say it then.

A good man...

Another late night talk.  He confessed he was 'difficult'.  Which, when I inquired further, was because his ex had told him he argued too hard when discussing ideas and politics.

Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me.  He isn't an addict.  He didn't send dick pics.  He isn't emotionally closed off.  He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me.  He hasn't asked me to change my appearance.  He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.

My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.

Women put up with a lot it seems.

So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long.  (Underemployment aside...)

And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.

The 'L' word

Did I really only meet Silver Fox seven weeks ago?  I see him every two or three days, and sleep over at his house almost as much.  I've got a toothbrush and a phone charger there.

And it's going pretty well.  We seem delighted with each other.

He told me about a week ago that his anxiety causes him to worry I will reject him.  He said it isn't anything I've done, it's just how his brain works.  

I'm hoping if he actually believed that was a possibility, he wouldn't have told me.

But I was a bit worried that I had that much power to hurt him.  Because I really don't think he is going to hurt me.  So, I get to be the bad guy?

I said "But, I like you so much!"

He said, "I more than like you"

So it wasn't a shock when the next time I was over, and we'd had a late night roll in the hay, he said 'I know you're not supposed to say this in bed, and it's early, and you don't have to feel this way, but I think I.....love you?'  (his voice went up at the end, like a question)

I said, "oh my darling" and buried my head in his shoulder.  But then I said, 'It's very early'.

I felt very overwhelmed and my eyes watered.  I told him that the last relationship had messed me up but I was happy with him.

I don't know if that satisfied him but that's the best I can do right now.

I feel like he hasn't been in love before and I came along and was sweet to him.  But for me love means we've seen the darker sides, we've quarreled and made up, we've gone through stuff and decided to stay together.

~~~

We have sex a lot.  At bed time, and usually again in the morning.  And he's gotten bolder with his comments.  Who would have known that my sweet respectful boy was such a horndog?

He said some dirty stuff in bed that made me blush.  Did he really just ask me if I liked cock?

I actually find it a teeny bit ridiculous but the guy waited until his mid-thirties to have sex so if it helps him feel like a man I can just play along.

The sex stuff is getting better but his foreplay is better than the actual event.  

~~ 

Nerdboy has contacted me a few times.  Wanted to tell me how sad he was, not because of me necessarily, just generally not doing well.  I went to his birthday party, it was a little awkward but fine.  I thought maybe the friends thing would be ok.  Then a few days after he messaged me and the point of the conversation was to find out if I still was with Silver Fox and then tell me he was stepping away from dating while he worked on finding a new job.