Monday 26 December 2016

still good, still sweet

Merry Christmas, to those who still check this blog.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox.  4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.

How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.

I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist.  And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.

But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox.  I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking.  And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted.  None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career.  It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.

On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle.  I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew.  And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids.  "Uh, it's complicated"  I asked him if he did.  He said 'Maybe'.  He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.

We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm.  No children, no regrets.  But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own.  I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough.  I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut.  I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.