Musings and Mutterings

I'm feeling philosophical and need to think out loud.
Walrus has been grumpy lately because he wants to be independent.  First his medical team has to give the okay (which they basically did today), then a suitable place has to be found through the social housing system, which is of course backlogged.
It looks like he could find a place in two to three months- this is the shortest estimate for independence yet.
And the question is in the air- will I live with him?  We've talked about it.  I want to make sure he really can be independent.  I want to try my own independence first as well.  (I hope to move out before my next birthday.)
I do think about what it would be like to live together- I just don't want to be his nurse or enable any laziness or learned helplessness on his part.

It's approaching 8 months now we've been together and I still wouldn't say I'm in love.  Not that I know what that's like, but I thought it would be more gripping than what I feel.  I've stuck around though, and I hope that counts for something.  One minute it's great, one minute I'm full of doubt... Lovers are very sensitive and can hurt each other so easily.

His morals are good but his habits are completely opposite to mine- he likes to eat, and drink, and spend.  He's reining it in a little, but he has to relearn old patterns, and give up comforts (and coping methods) when he needs them most.
You won't love every single thing about your partner- you have to know what you can live with in the person you love.  At this point-- I'm too naive to say.

Meanwhile, I'm in the grip of an environmental frenzy- I'm reading books about plastic in the oceans, alternate economies, global warming, building communities... anything and everything related to saving the world. I have all this energy and I'm taking it out by being angry at people who don't seem to care.  If you put your groceries in a plastic bag, I glare at you.  If you drive a Hummer, you're the scum of the earth.  I'm judging and hating and I don't want to do either- it won't help me or the planet.

There is a certain amount of despair that washes over me when I read about environmental problems.  I imagine that's why some people have chosen to ignore them.  I can't express how much this has possessed me- I've already written that I believe the whole system will collapse in my lifetime and that I don't want to have children because of it.  It's kinda a big deal.

I'm even wondering if I should be working in a 'green job'- in recycling or even advocacy.  And this two weeks after I finished going back to school for something else!

Walrus has been pretty good about supporting me in this.  He's been dragged out to environmental documentaries and Earth Day parades and lectured on recycling.  He said I should think about things more and then find an outlet that uses that energy- find my way to make change happen.

My friend has been nominated for an award for giving back to the community and I was reading about all the other nominees.  I was trying to picture myself as a leader in the community, someone who was out there following her passion and trying to change the world.  I don't want to do it to stroke my own ego, but I think it's an ambition of mine...I don't have to be the leader, I can be in the background, but if I think something needs doing I want to be out there trying to make it happen.

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living". -- Nelson Mandela.


And I've always been a background kind of person, quiet, overlooked.  I'm smart, but not confidant, and I haven't achieved much so far.  I haven't got a career, or a family, or produced any works of artistic greatness.  I haven't even managed to have proper sex yet.  So that quote-oh!- what am I capable of that I haven't been doing?  I want to prove myself wrong.  


Speaking of sex- I have, it would seem, vaginismus.  I've written about it before- the muscles just tighten up as a reflex. I can't use even use tampons.  I've been doing Kegel exercises.  I've been considering getting a 'toy.'  I found a site that was helpful.  It said you could um...make your own with...zucchinis.  So I might try that.  Um yes.  That weirds me out, but I'm desperate.  Sorry if that's too much information.  I just hope it helps someone who's in the same boat as me.


So yes.  Week two of unemployment and it's amazing how much of a downer it is.  I want a project, want to be working towards a goal.... I thought I'd enjoy a holiday but I want to get moving forward, to whatever that is!

Forward...

Three more hours left of school and I am done.  Unemployed, too.  I can't wait to catch up on spending time with some neglected friends and projects.  Gotta lose the 10 pounds I gained during internship!

Summer is stretching wide in front of me.  No plans at the moment, but big goals.

Walrus and I seem to be doing well at the moment.  We had the fight, he had no idea how close it came to ending, and we talked about it and settled into something peaceful and maybe a little bit better.  I don't know.
It's fairly comfortable right now.  Slowly I am getting him to talk about things.  Finally we are connecting on the level I needed.

Perhaps I am being hypocritical, insisting that he open up to me.  I haven't told him he was my first kiss.  He's never asked me about my past relationships, and I only know a little about his ex.  I am wondering if we need to go into that.

I have to fill out a form about his memory- how often he forgets certain things- for his medical team.  Two words are always in the back of my mind, threatening to spoil my happiness- BRAIN DAMAGE.  Because that's what a stroke is, no two ways about it.  His was very small, and the brain can rewire itself around the damaged spot, but it takes years.

So part of me asks "can't I do better than this?"

and then I have deep philosophical discussions with myself about what makes a person lovable?  What makes a person worth our time and respect and attention?

Because he is very smart with words, and history and geography...but lousy at numbers, and certain types of short-term planning....

I don't want to go too much into the extent of his brain damage, because I am figuring it out myself.  I will say that only after being with him for months have I found out what things he has trouble with.  Most people wouldn't notice anything wrong.

This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

I have this weird feeling that I've grown, that things are changing, and there's much more to do yet.
A lot has happened this year.

I think I'll leave it at that, for tonight.