I haven't figured out what I feel about a life with Nerdboy. We bought a dresser yesterday and even that revealed our different values and aesthetics. (I don't like cheap IKEA furniture made of particleboard; I wanted to look for a solid wood 1940's dresser in the secondhand shops. We bought a mostly-solid wood dresser with a scratch from the As Is section of the IKEA for a discount. He did let me look for a used dresser but I wasn't getting results fast enough and my clothes are in bins all around his apartment.)
I had a long talk with my sister about feeling lonely in my environmental beliefs. She married a man who resents recycling and will throw stuff out if it doesn't leave the house soon enough, even pop bottles which are worth a nickel! And she's trained him a bit, but he does it for her, not because he really gets it. And I've given her a hard time about it before, and then look who I end up with! Nerdboy is really trying to recycle, he's too enthusiastic -he's recycling things that aren't recyclable and I have to re-sort it.
(And sorry folks, recycling isn't going to save the world. It's a good habit but much bigger change is needed. It's just used here as an example of a behavior we view differently)
Back to the conversation with my sister- she still loves her husband (I'm not too impressed with him) and they make the relationship work. Imagine how he'd live if he hadn't met her!
And then my sister and I talked about my father. He probably did cheat on my mother, more than once.
I'm not talking to him and I don't know what to do.
For the moment I am happy in my relationship with Nerdboy. I am excited to move in with him. I get silly-happy when we get groceries together or do laundry. I think we'll be ok.
**this post was written over several days, hence the change in tone re: Nerdboy.
I'm looking at a studio space tomorrow. I really want it but not sure I can afford the added expense. My sister said, go for it and push yourself to make it happen. It looks like I'll have three small teaching gigs in the new year, a few hours a day, six days a week. It's a dumb way to make money. Really stressed about getting my income levels up, and hoping I can bring in money with freelance art work.
Thursday 19 December 2013
Tuesday 10 December 2013
undercurrents
I'm practically living with Nerdboy and will officially be moving in at Christmas.
So why do I fantasize about breaking up with him?
I'm an environmentalist. And before I met him, I was planning how I'd live my voluntary simple life and had a big crush on a geeky activist.
Nerdboy is in the room with me right now, he's working on a project.
He's learning how to recycle. I can't expect much more of a transformation than that.
I really want a blog, a book, something, about environmentalists struggling to have relationships with their friends and family who don't share their values. Because I think humanity's facing a crisis and everywhere I look people are just shopping, shopping, shopping. And I get upset but it's rude to tell people how to live their life so I just silently give them the finger, hidden in my jacket pocket...
Right.
shit. shit. shit.
So why do I fantasize about breaking up with him?
I'm an environmentalist. And before I met him, I was planning how I'd live my voluntary simple life and had a big crush on a geeky activist.
Nerdboy is in the room with me right now, he's working on a project.
He's learning how to recycle. I can't expect much more of a transformation than that.
I really want a blog, a book, something, about environmentalists struggling to have relationships with their friends and family who don't share their values. Because I think humanity's facing a crisis and everywhere I look people are just shopping, shopping, shopping. And I get upset but it's rude to tell people how to live their life so I just silently give them the finger, hidden in my jacket pocket...
Right.
shit. shit. shit.
Friday 6 December 2013
Small updates
1. Did not get the job I wanted. A women who did the same school program as me, and worked with me this summer got it. Sigh.
2. Am going back to teaching (one day a week) at the same place I started at, ten years ago. It looks like I'm going to have several teaching gigs and with that trickle of income, (and living cheaply with my guy), I'm going to try and see how much money I can make as an artist. So much for the career change. But my art skills are rarer than my admin skills. Too paid artists are often underpaid.
3. Another interview for a part time childcare position next week
4. Roommates were not upset that I wanted to move out. Bit tough to find someone during the holidays, but I said I'd stay until Jan 15 if necessary. I was so anxious about being the bad roommate.
5. Saw a gynecologist, the appt was booked in September when I told the doctor I had pain during sex. Since then, the problem has almost resolved itself, but the gyno talked to me about my sex life (Could I get aroused? Did I have desire? Was I satisfied?) and then during the exam she touched a Q-tip to different spots of the vulva and found where it was sensitive. Right around the 'vestibule' of the vagina contracts very easily, is probably almost always a little tight. She said 'vaginismus' was an old-fashioned word and that it was called vulvodynia. My options are a free support group that meets for 12 sessions and includes 5 sessions of physio, or private physio if my insurance will cover it. Or estrogen treatments applied as a topical cream but I didn't think that was for me (being on birth control pills for a long time can cause dryness and lowered interest in sex.) I haven't made my decision yet.
6. My sister told me I worry too much. Nerdboy told me I worry too much.
2. Am going back to teaching (one day a week) at the same place I started at, ten years ago. It looks like I'm going to have several teaching gigs and with that trickle of income, (and living cheaply with my guy), I'm going to try and see how much money I can make as an artist. So much for the career change. But my art skills are rarer than my admin skills. Too paid artists are often underpaid.
3. Another interview for a part time childcare position next week
4. Roommates were not upset that I wanted to move out. Bit tough to find someone during the holidays, but I said I'd stay until Jan 15 if necessary. I was so anxious about being the bad roommate.
5. Saw a gynecologist, the appt was booked in September when I told the doctor I had pain during sex. Since then, the problem has almost resolved itself, but the gyno talked to me about my sex life (Could I get aroused? Did I have desire? Was I satisfied?) and then during the exam she touched a Q-tip to different spots of the vulva and found where it was sensitive. Right around the 'vestibule' of the vagina contracts very easily, is probably almost always a little tight. She said 'vaginismus' was an old-fashioned word and that it was called vulvodynia. My options are a free support group that meets for 12 sessions and includes 5 sessions of physio, or private physio if my insurance will cover it. Or estrogen treatments applied as a topical cream but I didn't think that was for me (being on birth control pills for a long time can cause dryness and lowered interest in sex.) I haven't made my decision yet.
6. My sister told me I worry too much. Nerdboy told me I worry too much.
Monday 2 December 2013
Waffling and Stressing
So much has been happening lately. The last post I wrote was full of doubts...that same night Nerdboy decided to open up and said lovely things, including that he felt he'd become too jaded and that I inspired him to be more responsible. So I was all twitterpated once again.
Then there was the sex shop. I was offered the job, I had another interview scheduled, I told the sex shop I'd get back to them, I didn't get the other job, the sex shop seemed surprised to hear from me and then they hired someone else. So I screwed that up, but am somewhat relieved.
I've had two other interviews recently and expect to hear soon. One is going back to teaching at the very first place I taught at, ten years ago. Sigh, all my work experience and going back to school, and I'll be back where I started, and not even a pay raise.
My grandmother has been put in palliative care, so that's weighing on me.
And then there's the big decision. Nerdboy and I have been talking about finding a two bedroom apartment in the spring, but after doing a tour of some artists' studios, I suggested I could move in to his tiny apartment and use the savings to get a studio. I think I'd sell my soul for a studio space...I didn't think he'd go for it, but he excitedly leapt out of bed and started planning how to rearrange the furniture to accommodate my stuff.
And then I had some doubts but didn't tell him, didn't tell my roommates, just endlessly discussed it with any friends who would listen. And then it was the end of the month, and I hadn't given notice, and Nerdboy told me to write a note and date it, or I'd lose my damage deposit for not giving a full month's notice. And I had a 45 minute panic attack and Nerdboy tried to convince me to write the thing. The roommates weren't home, I felt a note was crummy, I kinda wanted more time to discuss budget and practical stuff with Nerdboy.... I just hate making decisions against a deadline when I want more information. But I wrote the note and went back to Nerdboy's house for the night. The next day I kept thinking about the roommates finding the note and how they'd react and I was so stressed I felt sick. Then Nerdboy revealed he was really hurt that I wasn't more excited, and that the issue of informing the roommates seemed to be hiding my real concerns. And he said I waffle too much and I sabotaged the sex shop job by doing that, and I feel obligated to everyone I ever deal with, and worry about what they think instead of just doing what I want. So then we had to talk about that, and it was resolved. I went back to my place and I know the roommates have seen the note but one stayed out late so I haven't had a conversation with them yet. Ack!
Then there was the sex shop. I was offered the job, I had another interview scheduled, I told the sex shop I'd get back to them, I didn't get the other job, the sex shop seemed surprised to hear from me and then they hired someone else. So I screwed that up, but am somewhat relieved.
I've had two other interviews recently and expect to hear soon. One is going back to teaching at the very first place I taught at, ten years ago. Sigh, all my work experience and going back to school, and I'll be back where I started, and not even a pay raise.
My grandmother has been put in palliative care, so that's weighing on me.
And then there's the big decision. Nerdboy and I have been talking about finding a two bedroom apartment in the spring, but after doing a tour of some artists' studios, I suggested I could move in to his tiny apartment and use the savings to get a studio. I think I'd sell my soul for a studio space...I didn't think he'd go for it, but he excitedly leapt out of bed and started planning how to rearrange the furniture to accommodate my stuff.
And then I had some doubts but didn't tell him, didn't tell my roommates, just endlessly discussed it with any friends who would listen. And then it was the end of the month, and I hadn't given notice, and Nerdboy told me to write a note and date it, or I'd lose my damage deposit for not giving a full month's notice. And I had a 45 minute panic attack and Nerdboy tried to convince me to write the thing. The roommates weren't home, I felt a note was crummy, I kinda wanted more time to discuss budget and practical stuff with Nerdboy.... I just hate making decisions against a deadline when I want more information. But I wrote the note and went back to Nerdboy's house for the night. The next day I kept thinking about the roommates finding the note and how they'd react and I was so stressed I felt sick. Then Nerdboy revealed he was really hurt that I wasn't more excited, and that the issue of informing the roommates seemed to be hiding my real concerns. And he said I waffle too much and I sabotaged the sex shop job by doing that, and I feel obligated to everyone I ever deal with, and worry about what they think instead of just doing what I want. So then we had to talk about that, and it was resolved. I went back to my place and I know the roommates have seen the note but one stayed out late so I haven't had a conversation with them yet. Ack!
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