here is where things are at.
I think I mentioned that there was conflict at one of my jobs- it's now a full out labour dispute and I have no idea what will happen next. For the meantime, I'm hardly working. I was laid off my retail job on Boxing Day. I have very little source of income for this month.
It's hard to do anything when you don't have money coming in. I should be working on promoting myself for freelance work, but I need to invest a little money to do that...not to mention I need stability and routine in order to make my best art.
How is this possible? I have six years of school. I'm smart and hardworking. But I graduated from that program I hated almost THREE years ago and I haven't even found steady part time work.
And Nerdboy said, "I hate to say this, but your clothes are from the thrift store. They don't look professional."
And I was hurt, not because I felt he was being insulting, but in the way that having a bubble burst hurts. I was pretending I looked okay, ignoring the shabbiness of my clothes, but I know they're not doing me any favours.
But, I really can't do anything about it right now unless someone lends me money.
Also I am really sick with a bad cough that's lasted over two weeks. I am trying to get things done but want just to rest....I feel depression creeping up on me and am doing my best to fight it.
Nerdboy had to work nights last week and our apartment is so small, he asked me to vacate during the day when he slept. So I was in the studio a lot. I did make dates with two friends. Nerdboy didn't sleep as much as he thought he would, so sometimes we were together during the day or evening.
I hated sleeping alone. I did miss him.
By the end of the week I was hoping we'd have sex, but he was tired and I was sick and it didn't seem in the cards. Saturday night we watched 'Her' by Spike Jonze and I found myself sobbing. Nerdboy had commented that he would become addicted to an operating system that was customized to respond to him. And sure, I think he would too and so would a lot of people. But it hurt a little.
The way the characters talk to each other was so intimate, the computer said the most perfect things. I couldn't explain why I was upset...I wanted to be that perfect a girlfriend, I wanted to stay up all night sharing secrets with someone. Even the fact that the computer is discovering herself, and love and sex felt like things I'd gone through.
Anyways, Nerdboy cuddled me and I tried to explain. Again, he said little. I told him again I want him to share stuff with me. He said, I don't know what you expect me to say. Most of what is in my head is boring.
And later I thought, 'well work on not being boring! Cultivate an inner life.'
He's had a turbulent past, he used to make art and write poetry. Now it seems like it's all turned off. Maybe to protect himself? Or maybe this is what happens when you grow up, and move past the dramatics of youth, and I'm just way behind schedule.
Some little grievances with each other came out...A few months earlier, I kept pestering him about what he wanted in bed, and when he told me, I really didn't want to do it. So that hasn't been dealt with, but I don't see myself ever being into that. He mentioned that he was hurt that I hadn't responded to that.
And I asked him if we had a good relationship and he hesitated and said, 'It's okay. We have our ups and downs.'
Granted, me crying and saying we never talked wasn't a good time to said we had a great relationship, but.... huh.
Also this week, one of my friend dates was with Instafriend and she confided in me that she'd gone out to lunch with an ex this summer, and he'd kissed her. She hadn't told her husband, who is very much a one-woman man. Instafriend isn't even sure she believes in monogamy. She said she and her husband were a great pair, he steadied her, they supported each other, but it never was and never will be a passionate relationship. They don't want the same things sexually, she's the instigator in that regard, but it was a tradeoff for the long term. Still, a passionate kiss from an ex was enough to make her long for more, to feel attractive, to feel wanted.
I didn't tell her how much her story affected me.
I'm not lying when I tell Nerdboy I love him. But I have romantic ideas about falling in love that just didn't happen for me and I'm longing for passionate kisses and pillow talk and deep connections.
What happens when one person is doing a lot of growing and the other is stuck in a rut?
the rest of my life is so unstable right now and I like how we live together...i just want more. more from him, more from me.
