Ok. So this is where things are at.
Dec 16th. I went to a meeting and Nerdboy surprised me by picking me up. We played a board game when we got home. While we were playing, he looked at me and said, "Is this really what you want?" "What?" He gestured around the room. "This." I said, Yes. And I meant it. I was happy playing board games, happy with our little life.
He went over to his dresser and pulled out the ring box (the ring he's been hiding since August)
and I cried and he asked if I would marry him and I said yes. And it seemed ok. I was happy. I was wanted.
I showed people my ring and my friends seemed happier about it than I was. "I know he really loves you" or when I let on I was freaked out I was reassured with "if he's your best friend, if you can't imagine your life without him...."
So much doubt
I thought we'd dream and scheme together but with the bustle of the holidays and me trying to get some new work projects going, we've just been ships passing in the night... or extra grumpy with each other.
I'll walk up and stand in front of him, demanding kisses or hugs...sometimes he steps backwards and my heart breaks. I cry at night sometimes, or in the bathroom. That shouldn't be happening to a bride to be.
I am reading about Asperger's again this morning and it explains so much. Yup, yup, yup, everything on the list is typical Nerdboy. Doesn't show affection easily, doesn't respond when I'm upset, doesn't know what topics interest me in small talk, likes his own company, is brutally brutally honest, doesn't have friends....
can i do a lifetime of this? I've been asking for these things from him for two years...
In his defense, he has 'got my back' as Friend in the North says. He helps me out with all my crazy projects, he has been my support through learning to have sex, through lost jobs and family drama... I feel like I don't have much to offer him, in a practical sense- I'm not bringing in income or doing much domestic chores...I feel like I offer him some companionship and emotional stuff, a way to interact with the world, but I can't quite name it.
Reminding myself that his brain works differently helps but oh the effort it is going to take to make this work.
