Small updates

1. Got new car, same model as the last one

2. Taking some workshops in job search stuff, resumes and interviews.  Hating it

3. But had an interview last week and one next week.

4. Suddenly obsessed with the idea I should be a school teacher and am looking into going back to uni for that

5. Medical scare- I complained to my doctor I was gaining weight, always hungry and headachy.  Was sent for bloodwork, which showed high cortisol.  The doctor went back through my medical records and said I probably didn't have ovarian cysts at the moment, but maybe I had Cushings.  Was sent to a specialist who said the cortisol results were a false result from my birth control.  Phew!  But I don't quite understand what's happening with my PCOS.  I was diagnosed with them 12 years ago, but an ultrasound from five years ago (for something else) showed clear, cyst-free ovaries and nobody noticed.  So that's a bit of a weird feeling...  maybe I could get pregnant without treatment?

6. in fact I am going crazy with the idea of parenthood.  This has been previously discussed a few posts back, but now I am absolutely gripped with it.  Every time I see a baby or a pregnant person... Made spreadsheets of income as a teacher with and without mat leave.  Told all my girlfriends but hid it from Silver Fox.  Confessed to him last night that I was 'baby crazy', that if was happening we had four years at the most, that I was struggling to reconcile my desire to have one with my fears about the environment... he said he did like the idea of us having a family (he wants more than one...) but had his own doubts about how much of an emotional toll parenting can take and if he'd be good at it.  I think we agreed it's something we want to do (probably!) and we finally talked about his career plans, which are vague, but less vague than I imagined.

7.  this made us super mushy the next day.  It's kinda a big deal if someone says they would make a baby with you.

Awkward!

I've stayed friends with my ex, Nerdboy.  It was mostly his idea.  He just wouldn't go away.  We tried to get back together but his heart wasn't in it (and that was a hard realization for me).  I took a little break and started dating Silver Fox.  I can't quite remember how Nerdboy came back into my life but he did. We've worked on art projects together and he really gets a kick out of that.  He's helped me out in big ways now that I'm carless.  I even worry that I'm using him but I'm glad he's still in my life.  It's a weird dynamic because we can tease each other mercilessly and can dance around the edges of the fact that we used to be a couple.

A week ago Nerdboy was helping me prepare for an art show.  He told me he was dating again.  After we broke up he found a new group of friends (through a date that didn't click romantically actually!) and has been super social.  I thought it was great since he really didn't have friends when we were together.  His new girlfriend was one of these new friends and it just grew into something more. He asked if he could bring her to the art fair and I agreed, if he was also ready to meet Silver Fox.

It looked like our respective new partners were planning to come at different time slots and wouldn't meet, but of course it didn't work out that way.

Nerdboy's new girlfriend surprised me.  She's bubbly and really tried to say nice things about my art.  She was dressed quite fashionably and that actually was hard for me.  I would never dress that way.  She might be younger than me.  I expected someone a lot quirkier!

Nerdboy said their group of friends doesn't know they're dating yet.  The girlfriend wanted to keep it a secret.  She just got out of a relationship a few months ago.  I hope he doesn't get hurt.

Then my Silver Fox arrived and while me and New Girlfriend made awkward comments about the event, Silver Fox reached out and introduced himself to Nerdboy.  It was a gesture just slightly too big to be smooth, but it was good of him to make the first connection.  The brief conversation was just charged with awkwardness!  Then the two couples separated and walked around the fair.  We kept bumping into them.  Silver Fox told me after that he would try to sneak a peak at Nerdboy and they kept locking eyes!

I was quite keyed up and was super clingy to Silver Fox.

The next day Nerdboy helped me put everything back into storage and we laughed about how awkward it was.  I went to his house after and it was very weird.  I've been back several times since we broke up, but this time every physical spot brought back a memory.  Here's where we had sex on the couch, here's where I was standing when he broke up with me, here's where I would get my butt touched when I did dishes.  There's still some hurt there, not so much for the first breakup but the reconciliation that seemed so sweet but wasn't.

But honestly, I felt trapped with him.  There was a lot of good stuff, but loneliness too.  We seem happier as friends.  I guess that's a weird thing to do.

And my Silver Fox.  I've never felt like this before.  I just light up when I see him.  We are completely mushy for each other.  I'm so glad I got to feel this much in love.
He's still struggling with his anxiety over school.  He dropped out of one of his summer classes.  I don't know how to help but I'm trying to get him to see a school counselor.

I've been so busy and with the art fair done, I'm looking to take a break.  I've got lots of stuff to catch up on (haven't done my taxes, eek!)  and I've got to buy a car, clean the house and work on some health stuff.

Ah life!  Not sure where this is all going.  I'm happier than I've been in a long time but I could use a little rest.

So certain, except for all these doubts

Not much to report.  Still happy with Silver Fox, almost nine months now.
We're sort of poking around the edges of a talk about the future.  Probably too early, but it seems almost certain that this is a long-term thing.  Like, he's the One?  But why did I pick someone who has no high school diploma, can't drive, and can't cook?

There was a late night talk about having a family.  That same day I found out a friend (who is 39) is pregnant with her first.  So I guess it was on my mind, because that night we were talking about world problems, including overpopulation . (I think we're overpopulated, he doesn't).  And I blurted out "I think I might want a child".  I had to repeat it because he didn't understand what I had said.  And he said he might want one too.  And it was very nice and truly terrifying. Oh yeah, and I confessed I'd been thinking about this since our talk at Christmas and he said 'you sat on this all that time!'

Ever since I confirmed my suspicions that we both did want a family, I've been a little crazy, wanting to plan, wanting to know his plans... I've told several girlfriends about our talk, yet I haven't told him all my worries, which isn't fair but he's working on school right now and I don't want him to feel bad about where he is.  (He was able to skip to university without his high school diploma)

But I'm 35 and there's a time limit on this project.  We are not going to be established enough even in three years unless we beg the grandparents to help out.  I will probably need fertility treatment.

I think for both of us, parenthood wasn't really a possibility before, not having suitable partners.  So I hope I'm not just having one last fling at this dream of motherhood.  Previously I was quite at peace with being childless.  But now I'm really thinking what needs to happen, and have set it as a possible goal, and he's still got it as a nice dream for someday....

But I tell myself, Eleanor, it's still not even a year together.  Just enjoy getting to know each other and leave the big plans for just a little longer.  Enjoy the sweetness of the infatuation stage.

I sometimes can't believe this is happening to me.  We are so gaga over each other, we just lie around noses touching and gaze lovingly at the other's face.  We have a lot of sex.  He's super eager and I can certainly keep up.  He's getting much better at it.  (If you haven't been following: he dated one other woman for less than a year before he met me.)  His anxiety still is a factor but I don't seem to mind.  I feel like I have infinite patience with his anxiety in bed, but almost none when it affects his school work.

I think it's delightful to have found someone even less experienced than me.  Although sometimes I think about that joke about virgins getting too attached-- maybe he would have liked anybody who came along and was willing to sleep with him.  Ha! I actually think we're good for each other, and having someone who understands the late-to-date baggage is just a bonus.

So I love him to bits but I worry so much about how long he's taking to get his shit figured out.  And that's why Nerdboy dumped me, so I certainly feel the irony there.  I have faith my smart and hardworking boy will do fine, EVENTUALLY.  He's not going to get there quickly.  I asked Silver Fox if he had any goals, and he said no, which was completely alien to me.  I think of him as very reasonable and responsible, but his anxiety makes him completely the opposite of that.  If anybody knows any resources for helping a loved one with anxiety, I would be so grateful.

Other small updates:  Lots of freelance work, I'm so tired, but it looks like one more month and then it dries up.  I'll be happy to take some me-time but will need to find more work by midsummer. Car died and I sold it for parts.  Nerdboy and I are trying to be friends, and he seems happier with the arrangement.  Me too, I think, but occasionally it's weird.  Still living with Mom, and her car is also dead, and she's having trouble buying a new one.  (she doesn't do well with large purchases)  Between mom and Silver Fox, I want to kick some butts!  I used to procrastinate and avoid things, now I'm getting stuff done.

still good, still sweet

Merry Christmas, to those who still check this blog.
What a journey from virginity, through two boyfriends and onto unexpected compatibility with Silver Fox.  4 months together and we're just nuts about each other.

How different from last Christmas- I was engaged to Nerdboy!
What a year.

I am still complicatedly-sad over Nerdboy because we did share a life together for more than two years and he helped me, invested in me, as an artist.  And whatever his faults, we worked through my technical difficulties with sex together and he did that gracefully.

But I am realizing how much easier it is with Silver Fox.  I remember crying early on in the relationship with Nerdboy because he was criticizing my cooking.  And I had so many doubts that he wasn't what I wanted.  None of that with Silver Fox, although I have worried about his anxiety and his slow start in his career.  It's early yet but I feel pretty certain we're going to be together for a while.

On Christmas I met his nephew for the first time and when we were alone later I asked if he felt anything about being an uncle.  I talked about not reacting well when my sister announcing her pregnancy but later completely falling in love with my little nephew.  And Silver Fox asked if I was sure I didn't want kids.  "Uh, it's complicated"  I asked him if he did.  He said 'Maybe'.  He explained that having children increases the possibility of heartbreak, because you live your own successes and failures, and theirs.

We went to watch a movie that night and all throughout I kept freaking out because I thought that door was shut firm.  No children, no regrets.  But maybe me and Silver Fox have a future together with a little creation of our own.  I don't even know if my body can do it, or if we'll ever be financially secure enough.  I don't even know if I want to make the sacrifice motherhood requires.
But, the door is not shut.  I know if there was an 'accident' I'd want to have the baby.
I think we'll have to talk about this more, no rush though.

gush

I'm writing this one just to record it for me.
Last week I had to work in his neighbourhood early in the morning, then I had a big gap in the afternoon.  I went to his house and told him I needed to nap.  And we did nap....eventually ;)
When we woke up he had a bit of an erection.  He was trying to get dressed and it was bobbing around, and he tried to put on his underwear.  I was watching from bed, giggling. He didn't seem embarrassed.
And I felt such a rush of emotion.  I think I love this man.
But what a weird moment to realize it.  I haven't said anything yet.  It would have been ridiculous to say it then.

A good man...

Another late night talk.  He confessed he was 'difficult'.  Which, when I inquired further, was because his ex had told him he argued too hard when discussing ideas and politics.

Thinking about it the next day, I realized how low the bar is to be a good man.
He isn't going to beat me, rape me, steal from me, cheat on me.  He isn't an addict.  He didn't send dick pics.  He isn't emotionally closed off.  He isn't going to gaslight or patronize me.  He hasn't asked me to change my appearance.  He doesn't expect me to cook for him or 'mother' him.

My mom said the other day that Donald Trump's comments weren't shocking to her, that all the men in her generation have something of that mindset.

Women put up with a lot it seems.

So I think I've found a rare jewel, and wonder how he was single so long.  (Underemployment aside...)

And as for the arguing thing, both Walrus and Nerdboy told me I argued too hard too, so maybe we're a good fit.

The 'L' word

Did I really only meet Silver Fox seven weeks ago?  I see him every two or three days, and sleep over at his house almost as much.  I've got a toothbrush and a phone charger there.

And it's going pretty well.  We seem delighted with each other.

He told me about a week ago that his anxiety causes him to worry I will reject him.  He said it isn't anything I've done, it's just how his brain works.  

I'm hoping if he actually believed that was a possibility, he wouldn't have told me.

But I was a bit worried that I had that much power to hurt him.  Because I really don't think he is going to hurt me.  So, I get to be the bad guy?

I said "But, I like you so much!"

He said, "I more than like you"

So it wasn't a shock when the next time I was over, and we'd had a late night roll in the hay, he said 'I know you're not supposed to say this in bed, and it's early, and you don't have to feel this way, but I think I.....love you?'  (his voice went up at the end, like a question)

I said, "oh my darling" and buried my head in his shoulder.  But then I said, 'It's very early'.

I felt very overwhelmed and my eyes watered.  I told him that the last relationship had messed me up but I was happy with him.

I don't know if that satisfied him but that's the best I can do right now.

I feel like he hasn't been in love before and I came along and was sweet to him.  But for me love means we've seen the darker sides, we've quarreled and made up, we've gone through stuff and decided to stay together.

~~~

We have sex a lot.  At bed time, and usually again in the morning.  And he's gotten bolder with his comments.  Who would have known that my sweet respectful boy was such a horndog?

He said some dirty stuff in bed that made me blush.  Did he really just ask me if I liked cock?

I actually find it a teeny bit ridiculous but the guy waited until his mid-thirties to have sex so if it helps him feel like a man I can just play along.

The sex stuff is getting better but his foreplay is better than the actual event.  

~~ 

Nerdboy has contacted me a few times.  Wanted to tell me how sad he was, not because of me necessarily, just generally not doing well.  I went to his birthday party, it was a little awkward but fine.  I thought maybe the friends thing would be ok.  Then a few days after he messaged me and the point of the conversation was to find out if I still was with Silver Fox and then tell me he was stepping away from dating while he worked on finding a new job.