...or tarot cards or palm reader or newspaper horoscope columnist, tell me my future.
I know I'm in a mood when I start looking for answers in the horoscopes...
But I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME and I WANNA KNOW NOW! It's so UNFAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I've had lots of temper tantrums and lots of sob-fests this summer but nothing happens. Today has been particularly moody. Thank you hormones.
Quick updates. Wrapped up internship. They said I was 'a gem'. 'Capable' They praised my sense of humour. Huh? Anyways, it was a not-bad experience in the end, and I've got four new facebook friends out of it. That's almost like an achievement.
I'm volunteering for another major festival for the next two weeks (one of a few hundred other volunteers), and am also helping with another little festival this weekend, the one I worked for last summer. Yeah, I know it's confusing that I work/volunteer for all these nameless festivals but I want to keep my anonymity. (Did I really spell that right?)
If nothing else, I am busy.
Still jobless, and getting a bit worried. Mom was talking about her new job at a family dinner, and said the car and major appliances are all breaking at once and she can't afford to fix them. (Did I mention Mom's working two days a week? She's been off work for years so this is a good first step) I want to contribute to the household at least, if I can't afford to move out yet, and I wouldn't mind having a working dishwasher again....
I know logically a job should be my number one goal, but I have a continuous pity-party going because I'm single. It took everything I had today not to text 'I miss you, you stupid bastard' to Walrus. A romantic message if ever there was one. I skipped choir this week, and so haven't seen him, and so didn't receive my birthday hat (see previous post)
Eleanor, have you forgotten what it was like? On the one hand, spooning and kisses and love poems, sure, but on the other, he was always late, spent your money, poor hygiene, and didn't recycle! And that's a partial list!
Oh but I want to be special to someone again! Whine whine whine!
Two months in, I am no longer 'fresh meat' on OKCupid and hardly get any messages. I know I should put new photos up but uh, updating the resume is probably a higher priority. And online dating is a legitimate way to meet people, but it's not the only way. I'd rather it was Plan B. There is no Plan A. I guess Plan A is get a job and a life and move out. Oh.
I mention OKC because it's almost like reading the horoscopes. It's a way of daydreaming about what comes next, of possible futures for me. Who is a 30-something single male online-dater and what does he want? Do I have what they want?
At the moment I don't see anyone I can imagine being with...I had an immediate reaction when I read Walrus' profile and I thought about him a lot. (Let's not question my taste, that's not the point.) He contacted me before I was brave enough to contact him. I've never initiated contact, actually. That's not the point either.
The point is, I use this pictures of single men to imagine my love life, my Something-Better-than-Poor-Old-Walrus, my Someone-Worth-Waiting for... It's not working. I can sorta imagine Something Better, but it's basically a blurry montage of old Hollywood movies and soft rock ballads. I can't imagine it when I read descriptions of real men. Me and ....that guy? Kissing? I don't see it happening.
Some possibilities: 1. The good ones really are all taken. These are the leftovers. 2. I have unrealistic expectations. I am looking for a male version of me. 3. I have some self-esteem issues and am pre-rejecting myself for these men.
Sub-possibilities for number 3: a. I should stop self-sabotaging and just write to men than interest me in any way. b. I should concentrate on getting a job and being independent and that will fix self-esteem issues and I will be in a better place to begin looking for a romantic partner.
or c. I should stop analyzing things to death and go to bed.
It probably does make sense for the job hunt to be Priority One, but hopefully there's time to do some job hunting and a bit of date-hunting as well. Taking new photos doesn't have to take much time! And if you're no longer fresh meat on OKCupid then how about joining a second site? And I'm in favour of sending some initial messages yourself, although other online dating theorists (joking - kind of) might disagree.
ReplyDelete"Who is a 30-something single male online-dater and what does he want?" I think the best way to find out the answer to this is to meet up with more of them. Not ones who seem creepy or dangerous, but ones who just weren't quite fitting your list. It could be like a little experiment. If they don't work out you haven't lost much.