Operation FML

Introducing Operation Fix My Life.

What if I really made it my job to make something of myself?  I've been working on things, but I've sorta been farting around and doing a lot of sitting around waiting for things to happen.  I make lists, I set goals, but I never set deadlines.
But what if I worked as if my life depended on it?  Because, at this point, it does.

My sister works nights stocking shelves so she can contribute to the family income without needing to pay for daycare for her son.  My friend in the north has worked two jobs for years, sometimes doing 20 hours straight, or going for weeks without a day off.  As for me, I haven't done an all-nighter since college.  I don't let anything interfere with my 8 hours of sleep!

But, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  I'm not even working 40 hours a week on my goals, and I should be doing 60 or 70.

I can't just trickle off again.  This has got to be real.

I wrote that last week.  I haven't put it in place yet.  I got involved in an art project that I wasn't getting paid for but put in about 30 hours for anyways....And I babysat my siblings' kids four days (!) this week.  And now I have to draw the line and say no to these sorts of things.

So, little updates.
First, what do I do about babysitting?  My mom takes my sister's baby two days a week.  If I'm home, I'm expected to be involved in watching him and I can't get much done.  And my brother's wife is struggling with the two babies and they're moving this month.... I want to be a good aunt, but I have my own life to deal with.

Two, I'm addicted to a stupid computer game.  Mushroom Farm Revolution.  I must....stop....playing....

Three- some things are going well.  I have lots of projects, some I'm even getting paid for, and I'm busy.  I have a job interview next week for a part time administration position, organizing children's classes.  It would be  a pretty good match for me, it's close by, fits my schedule, and is the type of work I want to do, but I don't really have the supervisory experience they're looking for.  Fingers crossed.  And I'm finding my social life is pretty good.  I'm not dating, but I have friends that I see regularly.  After my best friend and I had that fight, I drifted away from the circle of friends we had in common.  It feels good to know that I have friends that are just mine!

Four- still not talking to my father and he's writing me sad emails.  Don't know what to do.  They aren't very convincing.

Five- Dating is not really in my plan for Operation FML's first year.  Oh wait, I haven't actually said what the goals are.  I don't want to list them in great detail, partly because that I don't want to mention the particulars of my life,  and partly because I saw a TEDtalk that said if you tell people your goals, they praise you and you're less likely to achieve your goals.

The major thing is to get a job and move out within a year.  That has to happen.

I have some goals for what I'd like to achieve with my art, and living green and other little personal goals.  I'd like to lose 5 pounds so that my Body Mass Index moves from 'Overweight' to 'Normal', for example.
But dating, I haven't thought about.  I'm tired of OKCupid, although I occasionally get messages so I will leave up my profile.  I'm not exactly telling the truth- I have thought about writing to the American guy who keeps looking at my profile.  We're supposedly a 98% match and he seems interesting.  But what would be the point of it?  He's somewhat unattainable, simply by geography, so it would be another 'all or nothing' situation if we did like each other.  (I say 'another' because I felt I couldn't casually date Walrus)

I'm trying to decide where dating fits in the priorities.  I've heard advice that says 'a boyfriend/girlfriend won't fix your life.  No one person can meet all your needs, for one thing, and some problems are just out of their realm.  You've got to work on your own sh*t so that you're ready to give to the other person as well.

However, in my case, not having a boyfriend is the problem, so I think that would solve quite a few things!  I am pondering if having a partner would help me be the best Eleanor I can be, and give me confidence to do the things I want to, or if I'd just spend all my time with him and neglect my art....

I am embarrassed that I live at home, that the house is messy, that I'm not exercising, so I think I need to be working on those things so I can hold my head up high.  So I need to proceed as if I'm going to be on my own.  If something happens in the romance department, I'm not going to say no.

I'm fine during the day.  At night I want to be held and I cry.  Somehow I don't think these feelings are going to be motivating.

Sigh.  Big sigh.

Back to the drawing board, literally!