didn't see that coming....

I'll need to write more in the morning, not sure why I'm even writing this now.  I guess I'm just wired.
Just got home from date with lip piercing guy and am so overwhelmed.  Why does all the weird stuff happen to me?  He'd prepared a picnic for us, conversation was okay, we went for a walk, I held his hand and somehow he started to tell me stuff about his past...he used hard drugs as a teen, got himself clean and legally changed his name for a fresh start.  Ok, I'm so drug-free I hardly take aspirins so I have no way to deal with this information, no way to be empathetic.  Then it comes out that he has had relationships with men before and considers himself bisexual, although he mostly dates women.  I didn't ask questions, this was too much to process.  We just walked on, holding hands.

I just want to say that I think sexuality is a spectrum and we all have elements of and attractions to both genders to varying degrees.  I myself think women's bodies are more beautiful than men's, but I don't think I've ever crushed on a woman.  I rarely crush on men, so it's hard to say.
But, I admit I was a bit uncomfortable.  His voice is a bit effeminate, just a little.  Enough that I noted it at the first meeting with disappointment.  I admire deep voices, big hands, broad shoulders...I like an element of the masculine without being macho.

I think I would be fine with his sexuality eventually, and the rocky past of his youth, if I felt more attracted and comfortable with him as an individual. He was so nervous, so willing to put himself down, that it was hard to relax.  If he's not happy with himself, if he wants me to fix him, no I can't do that.

I don't know what I feel.  I did give him a quick kiss at one point and he sorta giggled after.  He really seems keen on me.  I said I'd see him again.  Maybe that is all wrong.  I have no idea how to do these things... The only attraction is that he likes me....I tried that before and it didn't work.  Just because I try to see the good in people doesn't mean I have to bring them home with me.

What will happen tonight?

I'm seeing that guy tonight.  He's been texting me throughout the week and has made it clear he likes me.  This makes me insecure.  He'll find out I'm actually a loser!  He'll turn out to be an even bigger loser than me because who else would like me?  (He does have a slight air of desperation about him, he's certainly more invested in this than I am.)

I had coffee with Instafriend yesterday and she grilled me.  What do I want?  What is it about Big Hands that I like that this other guy doesn't have?  Why don't I ask Big Hands out?  Is there any potential in the new roommate?

(there was also a conversation about open relationships and swingers that stemmed from discussing a book she was reading.  She's quite open to the idea, her husband is strictly monogamous but they've even discussed going to a swinger's club.  I'm mildly scandalized!  Instafriend doesn't know about my sexual experience since I was with Walrus when we became friends, and she's so comfortable with her own sexuality it would never occur to her that I'm having such troubles with it.)

Big Hands:  he's smart, positive, has perfect grammar and has devoted his life to making a difference.  How is anybody going to compare with that?  He's clearly an extraordinary person.  That fact that he's a huge dork only endears him to me.  But I feel like I don't really see him clearly as a person.  He's my 'unicorn' as Instafriend put it.

I just wanted to deal with moving out.
I am slightly hopeful for tonight.  I will give this guy a chance.  He was very nervous last week.  I wasn't immediately attracted to him but to be honest, I think some part of me is saying 'Kissing!  There could be kissing.   Go get kissed, you idiot!'  

A date

So I met the guy with the lip piercing tonight.  I was so nervous all day.  Considering the last guy I went on a date with seemed so enthusiastic and then went cold.  And what if he's a weenie and I have to be the one doing the rejecting? 
It was more the latter, although I have agreed to see him again.  I really don't know what to make of him.  First impression:  a boring guy trying to be interesting.

Dresses mostly in black it seems.  He has two tattoos and plans for more.  A piercing through the lip, and those plug things in the earlobe, not the kind that stretch it so big you can put your finger through it, but about the size of a pencil.  Really don't like stretched out earlobes...considering I personally decided punching holes in one's flesh to put pieces of metal through it was bizarre, and didn't wear earrings for years.  (Then vanity got the best of me and I got them repierced.)  Anyways, I digress.

His voice was a little soft, wimpy even.  He said later he'd had a speech impediment as a child and occasionally would stumble on his words.  I do too, when I'm excited.  He's geeky and likes sci-fi.  I do, in small doses.  I'm a little bit anti-technology sometimes, anti-smart phone for sure!  He works a mangement job in shipping, seems to be good at it, but once upon a time he studied photography and theatre.  He does the occasional creative stuff it seems.  I got the impression there had been some failure in his life, some times when he was really broke, some complicated family dynamics.  Well, can't said I'm free from either of those, I just kept it to myself. 

Conversation was a bit awkward but we did ok.  I do this thing where I'm shy until someone is shyer than me, then I'm almost obnoxious and become what for me, is quite loud.  It's hard to explain.  I'll try to be amusing, or a bit motherly, or I'll be extra opininated, it's subtly different for every situation.  I did it a bit tonight I think.  We just had a bite to eat and a walk around a park.

He jogs.  That seems to be his major hobby.  My life is so filled with groups and hobbies and projects, so little of it being physical activity, that I didn't know what to say to this. 

He kept saying little hopeful things, like 'I'll need to remember that' when I said I liked something, or 'We need to save something [a topic we only touched on before it was time to part] for next time'

He said he had a good time and wanted to see me again.  I said sure, since he hadn't done anything wrong, but he really doesn't seem like my type  (whatever that is).
I don't know.  He was nice.  He just didn't impress me and he didn't seem to have the environmental concerns that are becoming so central to how I want to live my life.

This is perhaps more negative than warranted, I did agree to see him again after all.

More! Stuff! Happens!

1.  Paid damage deposit on the house share so I am officially moving.  I am freaking out about my messiness and general clutter that I accumulate.  (I save weird recycled stuff for kids' art projects for my classes.)  I really don't want to be the roommate causing tension. 

2.  Went to my favourite festival over the weekend.  Walrus was there, which was fine, and briefly saw Newfie, who seemed to look right at me and turned a corner.  Granted, I was wearing a hat and sunglasses and he's not the most observant person.  Don't even know why I'm recording such a non-event.  My creative project for the festival had some kinks to work out and I couldn't display it, so that was disappointing, but still a good weekend until...

3. Came home late Saturday night and my dog couldn't walk.  Mom didn't be able to accept the situation and just wanted to go to bed, but I insisted we go to the emergency vet clinic, and she came.  Long story short, there was another trip to the vet the next day and it cost $1100 and it seems it was just a really really bad case of bloat and tummy troubles.  But he's back to normal now and we're so relieved.  Just difficult for me to be on the eve of moving out and realizing how much I'll miss the ol' jerk, and how unreliable Mom is in an emergency.  Also, money worries.  Mom paid, but I want to split it with her.  Also for some reason both of us responded to the situation by cleaning the house (while dog was at the vet for observation).  It is time to purge stuff and get organized, although I'm sure we both have our own reasons.

4. I told Mr. Lip Piercing that his POF message was a bit much and he said 'Sorry I'm not very good at this'.  He still wants to meet.  I still said ok, but I am so busy so I don't know when it will happen. 

too much!

Last night I did one of my community project workshops, my partner came but wasn't much help.  This was the one I was going to do for Big Hand's group, but in the end he had to go to another event.  Sigh!  Anyways, I don't really see that crush going anywhere and at least I did a decent job on teaching the workshop and glad it's over. 
I guess the moving out thing is going ahead and I've told my mother so.  She seems supportive.
If I pay my damage deposit, I'm committed!  The third roommate is still being sought, but I trust the guy to pick someone responsible.  I would like to feel that we'd all be friends, but that might be asking a lot. 
And the guy from POF, the one with a lip piercing, asked to meet me.  He said, 'don't worry, my intentions are honourable.  I'm not trying to get in your pants...well that may be part of the long-term plan"  and he asked about food allegies and offered to cook for me.   He sent two messages in a row, both were rather long.
I blushed a little at the 'in your pants' part, although I guess he's just being honest about the point of all this back-and-forth.  So I said I'd meet him, next week.  (Tonight starts my favourite festival of the year, hooray!)
And this morning I find he's send another intense message about his political and religious beliefs. 
Great.  I'm finding this all a bit too much.  We haven't even met.  I have up one photo on my profile and I...used Photoshop to improve my jawline in that picture, just a tidge. 

Moving, working, festival, cleaning.  That's really enough to keep me busy.  Maybe I'll have a freakout and bail on Mr. Lip Piercing here just because I'm overwhelmed.  I haven't been thinking about sex for a while- last night I lay in bed panicking about having to do that all over again- tell someone my secret, work on getting my body to relax again, requiring their patience and communication...
But then again, I do not owe anybody good sex. 

hopefully I can just lose myself in the festival this weekend, music and sunshine and living in the moment and showing off my art!

stay tuned

I think I'll go for the roommate thing and be moved out before September.  Eek!
Also I got a message on POF that wasn't horrible and I wrote back, even though his profile had a grammatical error.  Night's.  Arrrgh!  You don't need apostrophes to make a noun plural; you just add an 's'.  So I pointed out his error and answered his questions about books.  And he wrote back quite a long thing that was amusing, and was gracious about me being a grammar freak.  He likes Muppets and peanut butter, same as me. 
Also, I am down 15 pounds from my heaviest when I was in school.  I haven't really changed my habits; I suppose not being in a stressful situation that made me unhappy was all it took.
Now, if only I can find some sources of income for the fall, other than a few hours of teaching.

A decision to make, a leap to take?

Meeting again tonight with the potential roommate, and a third potential roommate (male) he's found to see if we 'gel'. 
I put this in motion and now I'm rolling with it, not sure if I'll panic.  It seems like an okay place to live.  My ideal place was a collective house with a few more people (and a balance of genders) with shared groceries and a place my dog (and niece and nephews) would be welcome for short visits....
but, at some point I just have to try something.
time to shake things up?

Being a grown-up is haaaaaaaard

I went to see another place for rent today.  Not a collective house, but the ad said they recycled and composted and used natural cleaners, so I answered it.  The gender of the person placing the ad was unspecified, and they wanted two roommates. 
Turned out it was a guy, maybe in his thirties.  He'd been sharing the place with his sister but she was moving to another province for school.  He was going to school for library sciences.  The place was neat as a pin, if slightly 70s in decor.  There was some kind of medieval choral music playing in the background.  We talked for a while, awkwardly. He mumbles a bit.
I knew it was a guy from the name he signed his email with, and I admit I'd already gone through the 'what if he's cute and we fall in love while roommates?' scenario in my mind.  When he opened the doorI was disappointed by his scraggly long hair.  Not desperate or anything, no, not Eleanor.
Anyways, by the end of the conversation, I thought I could get along with him as a friend and roommate, but I was worried I'm not tidy enough for him.
He's showing the rooms to more people and he will get back to me.  So, not even sure I'll be asked, although we did get into plans for furniture etc.
This is a 'no pets' home, so my dog couldn't even come visit.  I have to decide if I'm willing to give up my dog completely.  Would really feel better if I was able to take him if something ever happened to Mom, or even if she wanted to travel for a bit...

small things, no progress yet but still truckin'

Bought the vintage bike.  Now have to restore it AND learn how to ride.  Foolish purchase, but I loved it.

I went to see another collective house.  Well that was their intention for it but when I saw it, it was two people in a newly-rented ugly pink stucco box trying to get two more roommates.  They thought the house was charming, I thought it was tacky.  The two upstairs bedrooms shared a bathroom between them.  I didn't want to share a bathroom with a strange man.  They didn't seem to be into the environment all that much.  The woman had three vehicles and talked about installing a hot tub.  The location was beautiful though, right next to a park.  Still, didn't get a good feeling and walked away.
I'm starting to look at ads for roommates on craigslist.  Not the collective living situation I'm dreaming of, but I start my searches with 'compost' or 'environment' to find like-minded people.

There is the small issue of being unemployed in September, except for one teaching gig.
And not having any references from landlords...

I'm back volunteering for my favourite festival (of the many I work with) and am so happy to be with people I like, doing what I'm good at.  Realizing how battered my self-esteem is right now.

There was a small excitement when Big Hands wrote to me asking to borrow some equipment I have, but in the end he didn't need it.
I went to another environmental conference, yes I thought he might be there and he wasn't, and the event was poorly organized so I left early.  Maybe I'm just tired of the same old faces talking about the same old problems, and no solutions or actions coming from it.

Today I was going to go to another environmental event I knew Big Hands would be at, but uh..
Too Much Information warning:
I had a upset tummy and diarrhea this morning.  I've never had diarrhea before in my life so that was an experience.  I guess it's fairly common and you don't have to go to the doctor for it, I was a bit concerned but found some medicine in the bathroom and it stopped.  Still feel a bit drained.  Ugh.

Good thing I wasn't camping this weekend!  What a way to spend my weekend off- going to environmental things and being sick.

About the environmental events, I found myself thinking that I need to attend these things to meet other 'green' people.  These issues are on my mind daily, and they're not so important to people in my current network of friends.  I'm reading all these books and am longing to discuss new ideas with people.  And yeah, I've got my eye out for single men.  If I'm not going to do online dating, I need other avenues to meet people.  Staying at home isn't going to work.  And finding a life partner, it's an economical choice as much as a personal happiness one.  It's expensive to live alone for a life time.

Plus, every night when I crawl into bed alone, I go crazy with loneliness.  Most miserable hour of my day.

Where the bikes are

I've been talking about getting a bike for months now.  I asked my friends on facebook and people offered advice, and to shop with me, but plans never worked out.  I researched bikes.  I know two people (friends of friends) who work in bikeshops.  I know where the good shops are, but I haven't yet visited one.  An hour away by bus....and how would I get the bike home?
I tried riding my mom's bike a whole TWO times... I check Craigslist daily.  Just to make things more difficult, I have my heart set on a yellow bike.  I never answer any of the ads on Craigslist because I don't really know anything about bikes and if I actually went to see one I'd have no idea what I was looking for. I'd be embarrassed to try riding it in front of its former owner; I'm still a shaky rider.  And I would probably feel committed enough to buy it, after I'd made the trouble to make the viewing appointment, standing in someone's backyard looking at their bike, I'd have a hard time saying 'no thanks!"

Wait a minute--It's like an allegory of my dating life!  The bike virgin.

Sitting at home on the computer hoping the right bike will appear.

So I did find a vintage Schwinn on Craigslist that's a beautiful metallic yellow gold and I fell for it.  But apparently it's got a really solid heavy frame and I'm not sure I'll be able to get it up the hill.   And I know nothing about restoring bikes if it's not in good shape.  I'm going to try and go see it this week.  I hope it's not the metaphorical equivalent of Walrus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Small Updates:

Camping with teens = exhausting.  Covered in mosquitoes bites.  Smart people would leave when the bugs bite once a minute!  I feel old because I keep grumbling to myself about this generation!  No common sense!

Working 5-6 days a week for the summer.  Mondays and alternate Thursdays off.

Small plumbing emergency in the house before I left for camp, turned out to be the fishtank but it leaked into the basement.  I felt so overwhelmed.  Mom and I can't handle how much work needs to be done on the house.  Huge weight on my shoulders.

Mom is off work for the summer and just plays computer solitaire.  She's got cabin fever.  She knows she should work on the house but doesn't do it.  I need to be there helping her but am so busy and tired....
She should volunteer or take a trip or start a new hobby, but I can't help her, she's got to take initiative herself.

Walrus texted me yesterday and explained in great detail about some crazy dream he'd had.  I was in it, and I was wearing a fancy Elizabethan dress.  He kept saying I looked lovely, amazing, in it.  What am I going to do with him?

Wondering what happened to Operation Fix My Life.  Not moving out, not moving forward in a career, not in shape or eating right, not dating.  I am at least employed...50 hours a week!  Although I'm asleep for some of that...