Waffling and Stressing

So much has been happening lately.  The last post I wrote was full of doubts...that same night Nerdboy decided to open up and said lovely things, including that he felt he'd become too jaded and that I inspired him to be more responsible.  So I was all twitterpated once again.

Then there was the sex shop.  I was offered the job, I had another interview scheduled, I told the sex shop I'd get back to them, I didn't get the other job, the sex shop seemed surprised to hear from me and then they hired someone else.  So I screwed that up, but am somewhat relieved.

I've had two other interviews recently and expect to hear soon.  One is going back to teaching at the very first place I taught at, ten years ago.  Sigh, all my work experience and going back to school, and I'll be back where I started, and not even a pay raise.

My grandmother has been put in palliative care, so that's weighing on me.

And then there's the big decision.  Nerdboy and I have been talking about finding a two bedroom apartment in the spring, but after doing a tour of some artists' studios, I suggested I could move in to his tiny apartment and use the savings to get a studio.  I think I'd sell my soul for a studio space...I didn't think he'd go for it, but he excitedly leapt out of bed and started planning how to rearrange the furniture to accommodate my stuff.

And then I had some doubts but didn't tell him, didn't tell my roommates, just endlessly discussed it with any friends who would listen.  And then it was the end of the month, and I hadn't given notice, and Nerdboy told me to write a note and date it, or I'd lose my damage deposit for not giving a full month's notice.  And I had a 45 minute panic attack and Nerdboy tried to convince me to write the thing.  The roommates weren't home, I felt a note was crummy, I kinda wanted more time to discuss budget and practical stuff with Nerdboy.... I just hate making decisions against a deadline when I want more information.  But I wrote the note and went back to Nerdboy's house for the night.  The next day I kept thinking about the roommates finding the note and how they'd react and I was so stressed I felt sick.  Then Nerdboy revealed he was really hurt that I wasn't more excited, and that the issue of informing the roommates seemed to be hiding my real concerns.  And he said I waffle too much and I sabotaged the sex shop job by doing that, and I feel obligated to everyone I ever deal with, and worry about what they think instead of just doing what I want.  So then we had to talk about that, and it was resolved.  I went back to my place and I know the roommates have seen the note but one stayed out late so I haven't had a conversation with them yet.  Ack!