inertia

here is where things are at.
I think I mentioned that there was conflict at one of my jobs- it's now a full out labour dispute and I have no idea what will happen next.  For the meantime, I'm hardly working.  I was laid off my retail job on Boxing Day.  I have very little source of income for this month.

It's hard to do anything when you don't have money coming in.  I should be working on promoting myself for freelance work, but I need to invest a little money to do that...not to mention I need stability and routine in order to make my best art.

How is this possible?  I have six years of school.  I'm smart and hardworking.  But I graduated from that program I hated almost THREE years ago and I haven't even found steady part time work.

And Nerdboy said, "I hate to say this, but your clothes are from the thrift store.  They don't look professional."

And I was hurt, not because I felt he was being insulting, but in the way that having a bubble burst hurts.  I was pretending I looked okay, ignoring the shabbiness of my clothes, but I know they're not doing me any favours.

But, I really can't do anything about it right now unless someone lends me money.

Also I am really sick with a bad cough that's lasted over two weeks.  I am trying to get things done but want just to rest....I feel depression creeping up on me and am doing my best to fight it.

Nerdboy had to work nights last week and our apartment is so small, he asked me to vacate during the day when he slept.  So I was in the studio a lot.  I did make dates with two friends.  Nerdboy didn't sleep as much as he thought he would, so sometimes we were together during the day or evening.

I hated sleeping alone.  I did miss him.
By the end of the week I was hoping we'd have sex, but he was tired and I was sick and it didn't seem in the cards.  Saturday night we watched 'Her' by Spike Jonze and I found myself sobbing.  Nerdboy had commented that he would become addicted to an operating system that was customized to respond to him.  And sure, I think he would too and so would a lot of people.  But it hurt a little.
The way the characters talk to each other was so intimate, the computer said the most perfect things.  I couldn't explain why I was upset...I wanted to be that perfect a girlfriend, I wanted to stay up all night sharing secrets with someone.  Even the fact that the computer is discovering herself, and love and sex felt like things I'd gone through.

Anyways, Nerdboy cuddled me and I tried to explain.  Again, he said little.  I told him again I want him to share stuff with me.  He said, I don't know what you expect me to say.  Most of what is in my head is boring.
And later I thought, 'well work on not being boring!  Cultivate an inner life.'
He's had a turbulent past, he used to make art and write poetry.  Now it seems like it's all turned off.  Maybe to protect himself?  Or maybe this is what happens when you grow up, and move past the dramatics of youth, and I'm just way behind schedule.

Some little grievances with each other came out...A few months earlier, I kept pestering him about what he wanted in bed, and when he told me, I really didn't want to do it.  So that hasn't been dealt with, but I don't see myself ever being into that.  He mentioned that he was hurt that I hadn't responded to that.
And I asked him if we had a good relationship and he hesitated and said, 'It's okay.  We have our ups and downs.'
Granted, me crying and saying we never talked wasn't a good time to said we had a great relationship, but.... huh.

Also this week, one of my friend dates was with Instafriend and she confided in me that she'd gone out to lunch with an ex this summer, and he'd kissed her.  She hadn't told her husband, who is very much a one-woman man.  Instafriend isn't even sure she believes in monogamy.  She said she and her husband were a great pair, he steadied her, they supported each other, but it never was and never will be a passionate relationship.  They don't want the same things sexually, she's the instigator in that regard, but it was a tradeoff for the long term.  Still, a passionate kiss from an ex was enough to make her long for more, to feel attractive, to feel wanted.

I didn't tell her how much her story affected me.

I'm not lying when I tell Nerdboy I love him.  But I have romantic ideas about falling in love that just didn't happen for me and I'm longing for passionate kisses and pillow talk and deep connections.

What happens when one person is doing a lot of growing and the other is stuck in a rut?

the rest of my life is so unstable right now and I like how we live together...i just want more.  more from him, more from me.

status quo

Right after I wrote that, I watched a bunch of videos by Dr. Sue Johnson, which talk about emotional closeness in relationships and cried my eyes out.  And I read a bunch of forums about having a relationship with someone with Asperger's, and cried more.
Now, Nerdboy has not been diagnosed with Asperger's (it's on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum) nor does he fit all the typical characteristics of someone with Asperger's.

Yes:
He does miss social cues, he does have trouble keeping friends.
He talks too long about things that interest him, even when the listener is clearly bored.  (Or even when I interrupt him to tell him I don't care!)  I have to remind him daily to ask about how my day went.
He can get obsessed with things.

No;
He's not physically clumsy, does not do repetitive movements, nor does he speak oddly (although he did have a speech impediment as a child)
He can make eye contact and is often better at chatting with strangers than I am (although does tend to forget to ask questions about other people.)

The hard to categorize ones:
He thinks he's empathetic and I think he's not, but...
He can relate deeply to characters in fiction.
He was deeply upset when he accidentally killed a mouse.
He can read my emotions from my body language , he just tends not to respond correctly.
His own emotions are very locked up.
He randomly decides to make elaborate gifts for acquaintances that he doesn't have a close relationship with (including people we volunteered with, coworkers he only sorta likes, my relatives....)
~~~

And somehow we had a fun week and I felt okay about things.  And since then we've been quite affectionate with each other and I've stopped crying.
The other night we watched 'It's a Wonderful Life' (his favourite) and it made me weepy and made me think about the type of person I want to be.  So we were cuddling on the couch and I turned and asked Nerdboy 'What do you dream about?'
"That's a weird question.  Stuff and things."
"I mean, what do you want in your life? Do you want a house?"
"Well that's never going to happen so there's no use wishing for it."

"What about travel?" got a similar response.

I was silently weeping.  He got up and did dishes.  When he came back, he said in an angry voice, "It's depressing to me to talk about this stuff that I can't have in my life."
And I cried openly and said 'It's not about having a house, it's about who we want to be.  I want to know about your inner life and you shut down.  I feel like a failure, probably more than you, and yet it doesn't hurt me to dream about a house.  And if you're depressed you need to be able to talk about it with me."
I told him this is why I feel lonely.  I think I said in broken sobs, "Why don't you ask me about my dreams?"

And I don't know what he's going to do with this information, but I said what I wanted about as clearly as I could.

comfortably unhappy?

Little News

Had a small success at an art show and made $800.  Makes a tiny dent in what I spend on studio rent and art supplies..

Got a part-time job at an art supplies store, making just over minimum wage and I have to give out plastic bags (which I don't personally use) to shoppers all day long.  But it will ease the money stress, although I'm certainly still living below the poverty line.  It's only temporary until Christmas, but maybe will stay on if they want me to.

My brother-in-law has a tumour in his leg that will need to be removed.  I am worried for my sister, who is already stressed to the max.


~~~~

The Big Worry

Have been feeling like I want more from my relationship with Nerdboy and feeling like if I'm this unhappy I should probably end it.  But I owe him last month's rent, and I don't want to move and shake up my little life again right now.

It's like we're friends who occasionally sleep together, really.  I thought love would be a little more intense.  And not just sex, but an emotional connection that he might never be capable of.

Daily life is okay. We do the domestic chores together, we tease each other, we do these craft fairs together, we amuse each other and can enjoy some of the same sort of activities.  But if I'm sad I try to talk to him and he just tries to make me laugh and get things back to normal.  He doesn't come to me with his 'stuff'.

I talked to him this week.  I said I try to talk to him and hit a wall.  Every day I ask him about his day and every day I wait for him to ask about mine.  Nothing.  And I've told him at least three times, including this week, how important it was to me.  He asked the day after we talked, and that was it.

It's 7am and I've already been crying.  Yesterday I had a crazy 10 hour day.  He picked me up, he made me dinner.  As he was cooking I felt thankful and went to kiss him and he said, 'I just want to cook right now.'  And that's part of his weirdness that I don't understand.  To him, he was just focused on something else.  To me it was rejection.

I have to tackle something else big today.  I teach art classes, as a contractor not an employee.  And I think that's not legal and I'm angry but I haven't said anything.  But on Friday I got an email saying contractors are now required to have insurance because we are not protected by the organization's insurance, since we are not employees.  And financially it's not worth it to me, and I think it's just wrong.  So that's part of this morning's tears.

On Friday when I found out, I was really fragile for a few hours, near tears but not able to cry.  I went to the studio to work and when I came back, Nerdboy had made a mistake on his crafts and lost several hours of work.  I went to hug him and he said 'I'm hands-off right now.'

Well, I wish a crafting mistake was my biggest problem in life!  I am facing losing $5000 income a year if I quit my teaching job.

I'm out of my comfort zone in so many things right now.
Nerdboy supports me financially (although he's keeping tabs), he drives me around, he does all the cooking.  I'm incredibly spoiled in that.  I'm a terrible roommate, messy and behind in my rent.  I don't bring a lot to the relationship.  Maybe I'm the one who does the emotional work, but this is my first relationship and I'm making it up as I go along.

Ok  I know it's not working.  I shouldn't be crying so much.  Thank you to the reader who emailed me with advice on this.
I am a big black hole of needing affection because I was alone way too long.  So dating a loner probably isn't a good combo.  I never know when he's going to retreat into his shell and it's never explained when it happens. I am always scared to reach out to him.

I guess I lay it out clearly one more time and I make plans to live somewhere else for a while if it's not going to work.  I hate to do this before Christmas but I'm realizing I can't do another month pretending things are okay.

Well, yes he was mad at me

So, the last post ended with him not cuddling me in bed, and me immediately knowing something was up, based on two sentences from him.
The next night, just before bed.  "What was up with you last night?"
"I'm frustrated with you. I don't want to talk about it."
My eyes fill with tears.  "That sounds big."
I don't really remember what happened, but the gist is I kept saying 'Tell me' and he said 'tell you what?" or "I don't want to do this now."
And I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably.  UNCONTROLLABLY.
And I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, because that's the only door that closes in our tiny space.
And I sat on the toilet and cried loudly,  He burst in and said "I can't handle this.  I can't even talk to you without you losing your shit."
I said 'go away.'
He left, I cried.  I calmed down and moved to the couch, which is ten feet away from the bed.  He was reading and he sat up and glared at me. I'm not sure if I said in the last post that I decided to sleep on the couch that night too, so two nights in a row.
In the morning we were civil to each other.  I kept asking him if we could talk but we had a big craft fair later that day and there was a lot to do.  He didn't want to, but I basically kept asking and cried again and he got frustrated and spit it out.
He's frustrated I don't have a job and that I'm messy.  Both of which I guessed.
That night he was mad at me for dumping my stuff on the floor and going to bed early.  I'd been outside in pouring rain for 8 hours and I was sick.  I really felt I got a 'pass' on cleaning up my stuff that night, and I did clean the house the next morning.
And I tried to tell him how stressed I am by my unemployment (every minute of every day) and I did say I thought he was being unreasonable with his expectations with that little incident.  I think he uses 'I'm tired' a lot as an excuse but he is not always able to be empathetic and realize when I've had an exhausting day.
And it ended with him saying he loved me a lot and we made up and had sex.

I hate it when he's mad at me, I absolutely fall apart when he won't tell me what the problem is but still lets me know there is a problem.  I do the exact same thing to him, but maybe for different reasons.

I worry that there is some trust problems.  I am scared of his response to my emotions.
And I have a bad memory of  ending a friendship with my best friend because I was crying almost daily and she backed away....left me crying uncontrollably in a park actually....
So I feel like I will abandoned if I cry?

This week has been so busy for me I've hardly seen Nerdboy.  Things seem to be back to normal, maybe we're both a little grumpier than usual but we've lived through times like that before.

aftermath

The night after I wrote the last post, I was really withdrawn from Nerdboy.   I went to choir and came home late.  Several times he asked me if I was down and I said yes, but he didn't do anything with that information.  He was hopping around getting his craft stuff together and just generally being high energy.  I was planning to talk to him the moment he sat down next to me but he never did.
When we were in bed reading, I said 'Can I talk to you?"
Now, I know he hates serious discussions in bed, and he does have to get up at 6am, but it needed to be said.
"Yesterday, did you emotionally detach from what was going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, well...you told me sometimes you can't handle the emotions and you ignore the situation..."
"What are you talking about?"


pause.



"Why did you let me cry yesterday?"

"I didn't!  I tried to make you laugh."

"Noooooo, that was after....." I trail off.

I can't remember what exactly was said at this point.  It was a short conversation and basically he said, 'I see you cry all the time.  I can't do anything about it and it seemed like you needed to cry it out before you could spit out what you were trying to say."

I tried to tell him it felt awful.
I did flat out say, "Don't watch me cry ever again."
I didn't say, 'That is cold.  That is abnormal."

We both glared at each other in a weird standoff.  You have to imagine two people in bed, having a stare down.  I was lying down, head on pillow and he was sitting up reading.  I was of course crying a little and trying to keep it together.
I said, "Well I guess that's the end of that topic" and I rolled over to face the wall.
He turned off the night light.
In the dark he said, "Don't try and finish the Halloween costumes tomorrow.  You have other things to worry about."
And I interpreted that as him trying to be thoughtful or make amends but being unable to deal with whatever makes him unable to deal with the Big Stuff.  So I reached over and touched his arm under the blankets and we went to sleep.

~~~next morning~~~
Halloween.  He gets ready for work early in the morning.  I watch from bed, unsure of how things stand.  He gives me the goodbye kiss.  I said, "I love you but I'm sore at you."
He said nothing, just rubs my arm.

I have to work at a Halloween event that night, and unexpectedly he showed up at the end, in costume, and drove me home.  We had a fun and mellow Halloween, what was left of it.  He said he was bored without me.
We never discuss the fight.

~~~Saturday morning~~~
We had sex, and it was fun.  We tried a bunch of new things, some worked, some didn't.
So a little bit of the conversation got through....

~~~a week later~~~
haven't talked about it.  haven't had sex.  haven't hardly cuddled even.  We both have been working on things in the evening and go to bed tired.

Last night I came home from crewing an outdoor event that got rained out.  5 hours of set-up, 2 hours to take down, all in wind, mud and rain.  He was napping when I came home, but started on his crafts again.  He put on some Star Trek at 10pm, I said, 'can we save this episode for later?  I'm going to bed."  He grumbled, 'fine',  He came to bed maybe half an hour later, read a bit.  He gave a heavy sigh while reading.  I was rolled over on my side, facing away from him.  "Why are you sighing?"
"I just want to read my book, okay?"

Then he turned out the light, and I waited for him to assume the spooning position, but he turned his back to me.
"Are you mad at me?'
"Just go to sleep"

And he's instantly asleep, and I cry silently.  I have no idea what prompted this behavior.  He was in a good mood until I asked him to turn off the show.  And I really wanted to be held after my long day.
I moved to the couch because I didn't want to share a bed with him.
His alarm didn't go off this morning and he slept in, left in a hurry, kissed me goodbye but didn't ask why I was on the couch.

I'm exhausted by never knowing if he'll be hot or cold to me.  Pushed away one day, act like it never happened the next.

I guess either I end it or we work on it.  My friend (partner of a psychiatrist) said therapy for both of us.

I am so stressed right now.  I don't want to end up back at mom's, back at rock bottom.

Talk Flop

Last night I tried to talk to Nerdboy about sex and today I'm realizing he really didn't rise to the occasion.

About a week ago I gave him notice that we needed to talk about this subject, but that night we were both tired and I didn't feel the timing was good.

Three nights ago we had quite successful sex and as we were going to sleep I said there's stuff I have to tell you...

Two nights ago I said we're talking about this tomorrow, and he said ok.

So all day yesterday I was a little nervous and I practised in my head.

Nerdboy and I have signed up to do a few Christmas craft fairs.  I've been doing a few and Nerdboy ends up being involved as I can't drive his car (gotta learn standard!).  So he started making some crafts and selling them and now he's obsessed.

So he was working on his craft, I was sewing his Halloween costume, and between episodes of Star Trek, I said it was time.

And he said ok, but kept working at his craft, head down.  So, off to a good start.

Long pause from me.  Probably should have insisted he look at me.

Finally I started off saying I am going through something I don't understand, and sex is very emotional for me and I randomly cry.  

And I said I was pretty sex crazy and trying to hide it from him.  It piqued his interest when I said I looked at his erotica without him, but mostly he was silent.

I tried to say I didn't know how to initiate sex and that I was easily aroused and frustrated when it didn't go anywhere...I told him about a few weeks ago when we were naked cuddling for two hours and I really thought it was going to happen and it didn't and I cried in the shower after, the only place in our tiny apartment I could hide it from him.

and he said nothing.  just the plink plink plink sound of him moving beads around as he worked.

I was crying.  He sat there and listened to me cry.  At one point he reached out and ruffled my hair, but didn't turn away from what he was doing.

And I said, I was embarrassed about my body's needs but I've decided not to be.  Lost it in sobs.

And nothing from him. 

I cry.

Finally I said "stop doing those beads".  He moved onto the couch beside me and rubbed my arm and then tried to get me to laugh.. .

I don't remember what all was said, I just kept making stuff come out of my mouth and he was alternately tender and frustrating.  At one point he said, we've just spent half an hour talking about nothing.  That is what really stings today.

But at the time, ever the conflict soother, I said quietly, I got something out of it.

I did and I didn't.  I'm not sure I said clearly, I want more sex, and I want to be more actively in control of when and how it happens.  I didn't say my ideas of things I wanted to try, because I was crying and it didn't seem fun and sexy to talk about at that moment.

I still don't know how to initiate sex.  He said I should rub my backside against his pelvis when we are spooning.  

(We never have sex unless we are already almost naked and cuddling on the couch.  So much for my pretty underwear collection. He's never going to tear my clothes off.)

And I'd already figured that one out, and it doesn't always work.  I got a murky explanation to his mysterious disappearing libido.  I asked if he could tell when I wanted to have sex whenhe didn't feel like it?  Yes, he can read my hints but he just tries not to lead me on. 'Sometimes I don't want to have sex."  He said sex is sometimes complicated for him, and he can't really talk about it.  (He had an abusive partner ten years ago.)

I said can we have a code word so you can let me know you're having one of those days and I know it's not me?  No, he couldn't even spit out one word, the emotions are too much. Well, can you tell me the day after so I can understand the situation?  No, he'll forget.

I said it really was making me anxious.  

"You have to learn not to take it so personally."

"I have baggage too."

"And your baggage trumps mine?"

silence.  I'm trying to respect that he's been through something I haven't, but it's time for him to open up to me a little.  I have to live with his demons too.

We need to talk..

I need to talk to  Nerdboy about sex and I'm putting it off.  I think it won't change anything and I'll just cry my way though it.

---

A deep suspicion that I already see the end of this relationship but I'm not ready to leave yet.

---


We're having sex about once a week, and I'm going crazy.  And you know what, I didn't have successful sex until age 32, I think I'm allowed to be a bit sex-crazy.  I don't even think I need that much more than the current situation, maybe twice a week and I'd be smugly satisfied.  The problem is that I have no control over when it happens...
well, actually....I want more sex, and yet I'm a little bored by what we're doing now.

Nerdboy has told me he is against scheduling sex.  Which sounds like something I'd agree with, but it translates into 'we can never talk about sex in the future tense ever'
The first time this came up, we were in the car on a saturday afternoon and I said something suggestive about plans for the evening.  The response I got was almost angry...I was totally bewildered.  I thought I was being cute.  And it was the first time I'd tried to be flirty like that and I got a total shut down.

And for (Canadian) Thanksgiving we had dinner with his parents, something we both dread, and before we left,  I suggested that when we came home we could get me drunk and maybe get frisky. He said 'no scheduling sex'.

I have been drunk once in my life, and it was five years ago.  (We saw a play where a character wished her tee-totalling boyfriend would give in to the abandon of drunk sex, and surprisingly my interest was sparked.)  So if I ever have drunk sex, it's going to need a bit of planning.

At that point it had been a week without sex and I was a little frantic.  He doesn't get that if I suggest sex later, I'm really saying "I've been going crazy for three days and I don't know how to get through to you."  I added the drunk sex as a novelty to see if we could get around his rule, because frankly I hate it.

I don't initiate sex because I've been rejected more times than I've been successful.  Me trying to seduce him seems farcical.

And then the day after that incident, we had morning sex, initiated almost aggressively by him.  I was barely awake.

Argh!  He doesn't realize he's controlling this so completely.
He gets anxious if I expect sex later, I get anxious when I hope for sex all the time and can't read the signals.

What is going on with him?  He's had sex with at least a 100 partners.  Did he use up all his mojo?

He told me we were sexually compatible and I didn't really know what that meant.  At the time I was pleased.  But my sexuality was so unformed, I took all my cues from him.  And now I have ideas of my own. There are things I'd be open to trying that I know he's not into... (nothing too spicy, just different positions and things involving boobs.  I wish he was more into boobs.)

I want to experiment a little with sex.  Neither of us really knows what I like.  I want it to be fun, this process of exploring it together.  I still haven't had an orgasm ever, and only rarely experience high levels of pleasure.  Mostly sex is just interesting.  And lately even a little boring, which is a BIG DEAL because I've only been having sex for a year.  I still occasionally have pain as he enters me, I had hoped we were done with that but that would have been just too easy...

I bring all these hangups about sex and maybe I can't expect Nerdboy to be my sex therapist but I thought his openness about sex would be good for me.  I never guessed I'd be the one asking for more.