Flawed human beings that we are

"I know that you could be neither happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband; unless you looked up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage."   Mr. Bennett to his daughter Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice

There was one day last week when I felt I wasn't in love with Nerdboy.  I was in such a mood that day.  My students misbehaved.  People on the bus were rude.  People continue to drive SUVs even though they're using up precious fossil fuels.  Everything pissed me off and I was convinced the human race did not deserve to continue.  Everything Nerdboy did was wrong too.

I just wanted him to talk to me.  Long deep conversations.  

I don't want to talk about pop/geek culture all the time.  We watch a lot of TV together and I'm getting bored of it.  

I know a romantic partner can't meet all your needs.  But an intellectual he's not.  
And I think everyone should be working to make the world a better place in their own small way. Some people have to work on themselves first before they can do that.  But for me, if you're not volunteering your time for something, you're a waste of space.  
My boyfriend has his share of self-indulgences:  video games, porn, food.  
We all have something, I suppose.  It's not like I give my every penny to charity either.

Maybe my list of 'What I Want in a Parner' got a little too idealistic.  
Nerdboy is a giving and loving partner.  And he had a tough year, and he does have intentions to volunteer more.  

I don't know.  I don't have to decide 'forever' now.  It hasn't even been four months since we met. Maybe it's a phase the relationship has to go through- the sparkle has worn off, there's the beginning of a routine, but we don't yet have deep bonds, don't know each other inside and out....
So he isn't Mr. Darcy. 
But, maybe I do need someone I look up to.

Pigs Are Flying!

Ha, universe.  You have a weird sense of humour.

I was offered the job in the sex toy shop.
I haven't accepted yet, as I have another interview coming up that's more my line, working with kids again.
Who knows?  But I think about the possibility of me, the former 30 year old virgin, selling dildos and I just don't know what's real anymore.

I have to make this blog post short before bed.
I really want to get a job settled, and soon.  I have so much anxiety about this.
And I keep dreaming about starting my own business.

I sleep at Nerdboy's house 6 nights out of 7.  I never see my roommates and all my food in the fridge at my place has gone off.  Nerdboy and I are talking about moving in together by February.  (Aaaaaaah!  That is somewhat freaking me out)

I got snapped at again, this time for asking if he wanted some French toast for breakfast.  "You check in with me too much.  It seems like you can't make decisions."  Ok, that was really out of line and it's time to just snap back at him rather than getting really hurt and staying silent.

Nerdboy had a vasectomy last week.  I got to be the good girlfriend and fetch things for him and I actually got to cook some of our meals.  We just spent the whole weekend on the couch watching 'Castle' while he recovered.  He isn't allowed to have sex (with me or by himself) until he goes to the follow up with the doctor. It's been driving him nuts. (Bad pun.)  We're both got some nervous energy and things are just a little off between us, not quarrels but just a little distant.  I didn't realize how much sex connects us.  Only a few more days of celibacy....

Mostly things are good.  He's a great boyfriend except for these occasional moments of snarkiness.  I get sentimental when we buy groceries together, or read in bed next to each other, or he texts me some bad joke.  I have a partner.  It's really weird and nice.   I just worry I'll want more from him, down the line.  He's not a great intellectual, or noble idealist, or a creative genius or any of the things I dreamt of.  We drive each other crazy.  I think that's part of love though.

Lots O' Thoughts!

Ok, where do I start?
So, I got through the phone interview for the sex toy shop.  It was mostly about practical stuff (I don't live close to the store) although the person interviewing me did ask me if I was comfortable using slang.  I said, 'Sure, although I keep hearing new slang terms I don't know, haha.'   (Understatement.  I didn't know what jizz meant until very recently.)  She said, "Yeah, it's just that some people tend to prefer the medical terms but you also have to be able to say 'pussy'."   And because I've done so much teaching, she wondered if I could give sex toy demos at parties (like a Tupperware party).  I stayed cool on the phone but just felt like a total phony.
Saturday, she phoned back and asked if I could come in for an interview.  Even though I was free that day, I asked to come in Sunday, after I was done work teaching a kids' art class.  Saturday night, Nerdboy and I went through their website and I read the descriptions out loud, then we looked at some Oh Joy Sex Toy comics.  And then we had sex.

Sunday morning I was ready to cancel.  There was no way I could tell my mother that I worked there, and reading the sex toy descriptions out loud gave me a small panic attack... On top of that, I had slept at Nerdboy's house seven nights in a row and even though I'd run home now and then, I hadn't any decent clean clothes left and I was dressed for teaching art.  Nerdboy said, 'Don't do it if you don't want to do it.'
Part of me wanted to skip the whole thing, part of me wanted to not chicken out.
So on the way to teaching, I stopped at the mall and bought a nice blouse on sale.  And then I had to do the interview, because I don't have any money for random blouse purchases.

The interview went surprisingly well.  The woman was friendly and down to earth.  The shop was busy for a Sunday evening so the interview got interrupted a few times, but mostly she just asked about practical stuff again.  She asked the slang question again and I said I thought you had to read the customer and guess if they would prefer slang or formal language.  As we got more comfortable in the conversation she did ask what I thought my challenges would be and I said honestly that there was going to be things that make me blush and she told me her story.  She said the first time she came into the shop as a customer, she was so shy she didn't even want the saleswoman to talk to her.  And when she started working part-time there, she did blush a lot, but then a few years later she asked to work there full time and now she's been there seven years and teaches sex workshops.  She said everyone's on a curve, or a journey with their own sexuality and she likes to help the customers who remind her of herself starting out...."Sex should be fun, and funny, and the sex toy industry is unregulated so I feel good about teaching people how to look for safe quality products"  (abridged quote of some of the things she said.)

I felt so much better about the possibility of working there, and even about my own journey after that.  And when I left the store, Nerdboy's car was parked outside.  He wanted to take me to dinner to reward me for going through with it but I wanted to go home so he made me some really great soup.  He's alright, that boyfriend of mine.

~~~~~~~~

He's also difficult.  He told me something about his mental health and I just said 'oh' and we probably need to talk about that eventually but I don't know how to bring it up.  And sometimes he still gets snippy and I get very quiet and hurt and haven't said anything.  I've been snapped at for trying to talk to him when the faucet is running and he can't hear me.  For jokingly saying I took too many potato chips on my plate and he'd have to help me eat them.

When I applied for the sex store job he suggested me practicing saying dirty words and I said something like, 'only if we have sex after'.  Which I intended to be sexy, but came out wrong.  We were in his car, and he said something like, 'Telling me you expect sex tonight is a surefire way to make me anxious and ruin my performance.'

Because, he's been having some difficulty with his equipment, you see.  I don't know what to do when that happens.  He gets frustrated, we cuddle instead.  Sometimes he gets a second wind and it's all systems go again.

He sounded very annoyed when he said it, and even though I should have been sympathetic to his problem, I was taken by surprise and got confused and defensive.  I can't remember what all was said.  He's texted me some fairly blunt 'let's have sex tonight' stuff so I didn't think it was fair.  And I said, 'Am I supposed to passively wait for it?'  And he said something about him doing all the initiating, and I said, "I want to but I don't feel ready and you told me sometimes your drive disappears and I don't understand, so I'm scared to try"  He said angrily, 'Don't put it all on me.'

I was so frustrated and bewildered.  Aaaaagh!  I'm pretty interested in sex right now and I'm trying not to be a sex maniac, but I'm always kinda hoping tonight will be a sexy times night.  I don't want sex every day, but I like the possibility of it so I'm always watching him trying to read the signs of when to expect it and when to not.  I've told him that I'm pretty much up for it any time, which he thought was great, but I guess he's feeling some pressure to perform, or to take the lead, or to be always teaching me what to do....

 He tried to explain what was sexy and what wasn't.  It seemed like I was allowed to touch him in the moment, like if we were cuddling on the couch, which isn't exactly rocket science.  But there must be a way to suggest sex later in the day that doesn't make him anxious.  And he's done it to me, so he doesn't have to grump at me when I try to copy that.  I've only been doing the sex thing for 3 months, give me a break!

He doesn't understand how much of an identity crisis this is.  This is all new to me.

I think that was our first fight and it was about sex, which made me sad.  The conversation ended in a ridiculous exchange:

 'I don't understand the rules here.'

 "I don't understand what there is to not understand'

Muttered under my breath:  "But you're allowed to tell me you want sex tonight and I'm not."

A few days later I brought it up and he didn't remember the conversation.  Frustrating man!  Sometimes he comes up with rules when he's grumpy and then completely forgets about them later.  He ate my extra potato chips off my plate fifteen minutes after saying he wasn't my "food dumping ground" (the incident mentioned above.)

~~~~~~~~~~~

On Halloween we wore our handmade costumes and they were amazing and we were completely anonymous so we walked around town and peeked into open doors and hammed it up in front of restaurant windows.  We were pretty pleased with ourselves and he said, "I think we should just get married now, before we lose the magic.  You make me happy and even though there are some things that are frustrating about you, I want you in my life."

What things are frustrating about me?  I keep thinking about the ways I piss him off. I'm probably better off not knowing.  He frustrates the heck out of me but I tend not to tell him.

I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be like.  I don't know if I have the skills for a long term relationship- aren't you supposed to learn about yourself from previous ones before you're ready?
It seems like this has gone incredibly serious incredibly fast.  Even he will sometimes say, 'This whole thing is crazy' even though he's the one who's upping the intensity.
We'll probably live together by the new year at this rate.

So so so much newness and upheaval.
And I still need a job, and beyond that, a career plan.

My life is too weird

Readers, this is not a joke blog.  This stuff really happens to one awkward 30-something Canadian girl.
Tomorrow I have an interview for a job at a sex toy shop.
No I don't believe it either.

It's a classier shop, as they go, but I am in panic mode.
It's only a phone interview, I should say, but still...

I am getting nowhere on looking for a job.  I was reading the classifieds and remarked to Nerdboy that his favourite cheese shop and his favourite sex toy shop were hiring.  He said, 'Apply for both'.
I didn't apply for the cheese shop, as it was full time and I don't need to spend that much time with cheese.  But the sex toy shop only wanted someone 10 hours a week and I applied on a lark.  He thought it would be good for me, and for a minute I convinced myself I was cool enough about sex.  While writing my cover letter I had all sorts of meltdowns and baggage and wanted not to do it but finally wrote something about my first experience buying a sex toy and hit 'send'.
So now they want to interview me.
This is nuts.

In my whole life, I don't think I've had sex 30 times yet.  I've used two toys, but they don't actually look like penises.  And anal, and bondage and who knows what else....?  It's all foreign territory.

I can't do this job.  I can't even talk to Nerdboy about sex.  It took me ages to work up the courage to get a 'how to have an orgasm' book from the public library.  I can't tell my grandmother where I work.  And what if someone I know comes in to shop?

Anyways, I have so much more I could be writing about but it's Halloween and there's pumpkins to carve.

A new project

It was a busy week for me and I didn't see Nerdboy for 3 nights.  When I did see him, it was immediately a pants-free zone.  After we'd had a little romping around, I blurted out that I thought we should write a sex comic together.  See, he'd sent me a link to Oh Joy Sex Toy  (WARNING:  The current comic on the front page is about anal.  Which I'm not into.)  Anyways, it's a husband and wife reviewing sex toys in a comic book format, and it makes having fun with sex seem normal and okay to talk about.  I'm not quite at that point yet....
I said I thought we had such an interesting story and there was so much material (and material yet to come).  He said, 'Almost-virgin meets sex addict?  Nothing interesting about that...."
He's actually really keen on the idea of the comic and when we talked about anonymity he said he'd post it on his facebook page.   He's not embarrassed.  I however, would be, so we haven't worked that out yet.
I like how open he is.  I'm very private to the point of secretive, except here, where I'm anonymous.
I almost told him that there is an online community for people struggling with dating/sex/vaginismus and that I'd commented a few times... He'd be cool with that, but if he tried to check out those sites he'd find this blog fairly quickly I think.  Ack, moral ambiguity of hiding this blog from him!
Anyways, I'd be drawing the comic for that audience, and for Nerdboy and me.

And we had a nice conversation remembering favourite moments we've had together.  He said he doesn't really remember his first time with many of his partners, but he'll never forget his first time with me.  Probably because I cried...
This process of getting my body used to sex has meant so much to me, and he can see that, and it makes him feel special to be that person.  I thought no one would want me, and in fact my virginity brought us closer together and maybe even ...excited him.  Go figure!

I really can't believe my own life right now.

Grumpiness ensues

Okay, stuff happened this weekend and something's making me grumpy and I'm not exactly sure what it is.

There was a late night talk about Nerdboy's traumatic relationship and the stuff he's had to work through because of it.  I didn't know what to say.  I only wanted to know what I should do to help him through it when he has a bad day. His past is so different from mine.

It was Canadian Thanksgiving, a long weekend.  Nerdboy made it through a dinner with my extended family. He gets a bit stressed out at meeting new people, at first we sat away from everyone else.  Then he warmed up and talked to people, mostly about food (he'd baked two pies and a lasagne).  We played a board game after dinner which doesn't bring out the best in him.  I like to stack my extra game pieces into towers, and Nerdboy kept knocking them over, which upset me way out of proportion.  It just seemed plain out mean, and in front of my family too.

I watched him do a half marathon and was so proud when he came up to the finish line.
Then he spent most of the rest of the day on his computer looking at imgur, which to me seems like the internet quoting itself, it's everything that's dumb about the internet.  Have I mentioned I really hate lolcats? Life is too short to spend time looking at captioned photos of cats.  (Never mind that I have pinned over 600 pictures of dresses on Pinterest....)

Meanwhile, I was trying to work on a presentation about waste reduction for my environment committee, and I really wanted Nerdboy to give me feedback as I practiced it.  I'm really passionate about this stuff, part of me hoped that he would get why it's important to me, and get a sense of how I want to live my life.  I know that's hoping for a lot.  If nothing else he could give quite sensible advice about the presentation itself and Powerpoint tips.
I was trying to tell him it was important and he was being silly and said he'd watch the slide show if I did it topless, which didn't go over well.  I didn't get mad, I just reiterated that it really meant a lot to me and what sort of things I wanted his advice on.  Oh, I wanted someone with the same passion for the environment as me and I didn't get that and is that going to be something that drives us apart?

Meanwhile, my sister-in-law was in labour all day.
Finally she had a baby girl and they named it something really trendy that I don't like.  A vowelly type of name, like "Isla" or "Ella".   My mom had spent the day babysitting their other two kids and our old dog had been alone all day, so she asked me to go to check on him, so I had to leave the boyfriend and the presentation and go out to the suburbs to feed the dog.  I'm at Mom's now.

I'm feeling like such a flake lately.  I intended to come walk my dog and help my Mom fix the house.  I've got unanswered emails in my inbox, and I should be putting more effort into finding a job.

More stuff that happens to me

Well let's see.... I'm still very unemployed.  Last week I had two job interviews for childcare and I don't think I'll get either.  And I don't even want to do part-time childcare for $15 an hour, that's really not all that appealing.  But my whole career so far has been art and teaching art to children so I don't know which way to go.  My sister is buying a small business and everyone thinks she's crazy but I support her and wish I had her courage.
I haven't slept at my own place all week.  It was Nerdboy's birthday last week and he took two days off work and it just keeps ending up that I'm at his place late at night and so I stay.
There was about two days this week when I kept hoping he'd make a move on me and he didn't seem to want to, and when I started kissing him he said he didn't feel like doing anything sexual.  He said his sex drive can disappear and the best thing for him to do is not worry about it until it comes back.  I was a bit hurt, even though he assured me it had nothing to do with me.
I needn't have worried.  The next night we were watching tv and halfway through the show he was ravishing me on the couch.  He said his sex drive came back mid-morning at work and he'd been thinking about me all day.  I really didn't mind.  And this morning we tried some new positions and I found one I liked....

Is this really my life?  All of this is so weird to me.  It's like I've been dropped into a new life.   Or like I've walked on the moon for the first time.  I can't believe I'm having sex, enjoying sex, feeling more and more comfortable with sex, and that it happens several times a week.  I keep saying 'this isn't real.....' which Nerdboy thinks is funny.

Mostly I go around in a big love haze for this man, and occasionally I freak out at how different he is from what I thought I wanted.
Him being bisexual hasn't really been an issue, except when he likes the same actors I do.  And this morning he said he liked that I was tomboyish, which I wasn't too happy about.

Still a bit worried that I don't contribute enough, he cooks and drives and just generally gets stuff done for me.  I really want to be a 'helpmate'.

So yeah, that's this week.   Really need to get an income, otherwise life is pretty new and exciting.