We've been together a year now. Well, from our first date. I'm not sure when we were officially together.
Here's the quick update:
Career: Ugh. Still trying to be an artist, and sometimes trying to be an arts administrator. Right now flat broke but expecting to make $5000 this month. STRESS!
Family: Still not talking to Dad. Nerdboy decided to interfere and wrote to my father telling him to leave me alone. Didn't help the stress levels much.
Sex: Getting much better, getting less afraid to ask for things. Still haven't had an orgasm. Still happens every six days unless one of us is feeling particularly frisky.
Worldview: Still trying to change the world, still angry. Politics and a minor scandal in the Zero Waste Club has soured me on that.
Nerdboy: He's a weird one and I don't understand him. And yet I'm still happy to be reunited after our separate days at work, and cuddling feels safe and comfy.
Two friends have suggested he's mildly 'on the spectrum'. He misses some social clues. He changes topic completely randomly, sometimes inappropriately. He can't deal with big emotions from me. I know he struggles with depression.
As for my baggage, I will start crying if I even think about all the years I was alone. Now that's it's over, I guess I have to process it. I cry weekly (on average) about this and it's a bit ridiculous.
Last night, we were talking about something completely ordinary and somehow the conversation turned to a friend from Nerdboy's youth, and all the wild things they used to do. Nerdboy's youth is scary and shocking to me and makes me physically tense and usually near tears. I want him to share this stuff with me, and yet I get all 'SEX AND DRUGS ARE BAD' and am completely unable to deal with it. Teen sex is a 'trigger' for me, it's so far from my own experiences, and so I think about my own experience and start crying. Gee whiz.
And then Nerdboy started talking about being unable to keep friendships and being an outsider, not understanding social relations, and getting to the point where he doesn't care and doesn't 'follow the rules'. He sounded proud, like he'd cut through a bunch of bullshit. But I didn't totally believe him. He's someone who really wants to be loved.
And he's had so many sexual encounters, and at least a dozen relationships.
I had so many questions, and I couldn't ask most of them. How does a relationship fit into this outsider status? Am I an outsider too, or am I supposed to bring him in to my circles?
(And I reflected afterwards that I felt like my long celibacy made me an outsider in a way. I felt very cut off from understanding what my friends were experiencing. I didn't tell him that though.)
This conversation ended as they always do- him deflecting questions (or randomly talking about movies based on comic books) and me confessing how ashamed I am of my 'late blooming' and crying, and us going to bed.
So I really can't tell what's going to happen. We talk about marriage, and I feel happy about that. Most of the time we get along. We both avoid conflict so maybe something big still needs to be dealt with. He supports me and defends me, but he's still private about his past.
Friday, 8 August 2014
Sunday, 25 May 2014
back on the bike
So I'm learning to ride a bike, aged 32. I haven't rode since I was a kid.
and I realized...I'm 13 going on 32.
I feel like I've stumbled into a grownup life and have to figure out a lot of stuff all at once.
and I realized...I'm 13 going on 32.
I feel like I've stumbled into a grownup life and have to figure out a lot of stuff all at once.
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
on the edge of a slump
I cry very easily these days, and sometimes inexplicably. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually doing okay.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body. I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick. I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much. I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week. I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.
During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job. They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile. That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution. I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else. I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years. 10 years!
Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point. I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up. I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12. Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up. This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route. I just wanted to ride up and down the lane. I was nervous before we started. Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine. But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.
Basically, it was one panic attack after another. I would ride about a block, and take a break. I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic. Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable. He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks. He told me to stop saying 'I can't.' I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back. But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming. I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit. But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again. There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.
At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."
At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap. Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride. He is sweet, in a way. I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise. He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much. I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.
When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there. We did other stuff and it was okay for him. Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule. Sigh.
Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse. He did get me to jog though. Body hates me right now.
We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony. Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest. I said,' I just want your attention'. He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."
I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly. Example: Me: "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag? Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it. You don't need the diatribe."
We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges. I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help. He wants me to be more confident. Being snide with me doesn't help. And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it. And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.
I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.
I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits. My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...
So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together. And that's what's scaring me. I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike. Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....
What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it. I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support. Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either. I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.
I would have said I was happy overall but this weekend I realized how stressed I am.
I was really sick last week, a brutal cough that wouldn't let me sleep, that racked my body. I get these coughs around once a year; my doctor has never been able to explain why I get this sick. I took antibiotics but they didn't seem to do much. I had to cancel all my teaching, so no income for that week. I tried to work on my own projects but mostly I just watched Netflix and laid on the couch.
During the week, I got a phone call saying I did an excellent interview but I didn't get the job. They'll keep my resume at the top of the pile. That was for a part-time teaching job at a somewhat prestigious institution. I'm a bit worried that it's the second time I've been told I'm qualified but they went with someone else. I'm trying to get out of teaching, but can't seem to get a foot in the door, and now I'm not getting teaching jobs, which is all I've done for the past 10 years. 10 years!
Nerdboy doesn't get sick so he was sympathetic to a point. I ending up sleeping on the couch and he wore earplugs...He always wanted me to stay in our bed but I worried about disturbing his sleep so I usually moved myself in the middle of the night.
Nerdboy got me a bike by trading in helping a friend move, and has spent some money fixing it up. I haven't been comfortable on a bike since I was 12. Last summer I was trying to learn again on my mom's bike, and I bought a vintage bike and never fixed it up. This weekend Nerdboy said it was time I rode the bike he got me, and planned a short route. I just wanted to ride up and down the lane. I was nervous before we started. Last summer one of our first dates was a longish bike ride (I was on mom's bike) and I did fine. But this new bike is bigger and had the curled down racing handles, so my body was leaning forward. I found it hard on my arms, (and the ladybits) and I didn't have a good grip on the brakes.
Basically, it was one panic attack after another. I would ride about a block, and take a break. I walked the bike if there was a hill, or traffic. Nerdboy was encouraging intermixed with irritable. He got frustrated when I walked the bike for two blocks. He told me to stop saying 'I can't.' I was a mess but we were turning around to come home and I was determined to ride back. But it was slightly downhill and I felt like I was going too fast and couldn't brake, and I was screaming. I actually did manage to manoeuvre the bike just fine and I did stop, although I banged up my leg a bit. But I stood in the road sobbing and Nerdboy tried to be soothing again. There was only two blocks left and I did ride home the rest of the way, almost retaining some dignity.
At one point I said to him, "You see me at my worst."
At home he mixed me a very boozy Brown Cow and I fell asleep for a two hour afternoon nap. Meanwhile, he replaced the handlebars and brake levers for a more upright ride. He is sweet, in a way. I'm not sure how I feel about him pushing me to exercise. He went too far with the bike ride. To be fair, he has seen me ride a bike before and I did much better so he had no idea I would freak out this much. I was still coughing, and menstruating, so probably not the best timing.
When I woke up from the nap he got all handsy and we tried to have sex but the bike had really hurt me down there. We did other stuff and it was okay for him. Yup, it was right on the six-day schedule. Sigh.
Since then, he's been trying to get me on the bike again to try out the new handlebars but he suggests even longer routes and I flatly refuse. He did get me to jog though. Body hates me right now.
We've been snippy with each other lately and I get so upset and near tears when I feel we're not in harmony. Friday night we were watching a movie at home and he was shopping on his tablet for electric fans. I didn't thin kthat was a priority at the moment and I said, 'Exciting Friday night' and he got so insulted and said I was always on the computer too, looking at Pinterest. I said,' I just want your attention'. He said 'There's better ways to get it than taking cheap shots at me."
I've gotten chided for saying things too bluntly, and I get chided for asking for things too meekly. Example: Me: "Could you get me the water bottle out of your bag? Or actually I could get it, if you stop, I'll get it...."
Him: "You can just ask for it. You don't need the diatribe."
We're at 10 months together now and maybe it's time deeper issues are addressed, and it's coming up in these ridiculous exchanges. I am often sheepish or even subservient when making decisions together or asking for his help. He wants me to be more confident. Being snide with me doesn't help. And I feel there's always a computer screen or tv screen between us and that he does have a bit of an internet addiction, and he's sensitive about it. And I am always thinking about how I'm going to make money as an artist and he's getting a bit tired of how distracted it makes me.
I think we actually both want more quality time together but we keep putting things in the way.
I didn't know it was this easy to be callous and rude to the person closest to you. I'm convinced I'm such a good person but living with someone other than my mother has highlighted all my bad habits. My mother either indulged me or had worse habits of her own...
So Nerdboy is temperamental at the best of times and I haven't got my shit together. And that's what's scaring me. I've gained weight, I've barely got enough work to survive on, I have no professional work experience and I see other people younger than me getting careers going, I don't know what the next step is in pursuing my own business, I don't know how to be in a relationship, sex is troublesome, I can't orgasm, I didn't learn to drive until I was 25, and I can't even ride a bike. Art is the only thing I'm good at and it feels like I've plateaued there, that it's time for me to push my skills and creativity to another level, and that's going to be painful to work through....
What have I been doing with my life, why am I so scared of everything? I have such big dreams and so far, not much to show for it. I didn't want to be in a relationship until I had things a bit more figured out but some of the things I'm trying to do would not be possible without Nerdboy's support. Living with mom and going crazy with loneliness weren't doing me much good either. I can't tell if I've grown since I started this blog. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking about the same old stuff, except now with sex.
Monday, 12 May 2014
bits and bobs
1. First time someone buys me lingerie and it's got a Star Trek logo on it. ha! (we went to a comic/sci-fi fan event.)
2. Nerdboy, celebrity doppelgangers:
He's self-identified as both these characters. (Dr Horrible and Reg Barclay)
I can see why.
3. We've been on a sex-every-six-days cycle. Nerdboy initiates it, mostly. And it's been fairly routine, and not that good for me. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles down there if it's only happening once a week. I think I get a little overwhelmed, maybe a little anxious. "Oh, huh! Sex! We're having sex! What do I do? What do I want?"
And I've told Nerdboy this but he can't feel what I'm feeling and I make a lot of noises so he thinks he's doing okay. I have tried to explain what I want and so he does it once and never again, and I hate asking over and over again. I haven't even had sex 100 times and I can't believe it's getting boring already.
If I ask for what I want, or take initiative, it's quite a lot better for me, but I've got all this Weirdness about Sex still and it's really really hard for me to blurt out my requests. I'm actually keen to try new positions.
Nerdboy won't French kiss me and I'm finding it really boring to kiss during foreplay. Can't we have open mouthed kissing? I've requested it several times and he keeps saying we'll work on it later. He says there's a technique he's forgotten. I told him I really am not a connoisseur and just want my tongue to touch his tongue without overthinking it. I think we're getting uptight about this and it kills passion for me.
He said we're sexually compatible but I don't know who I am sexually, and he's basically training me.
No orgasm yet. Last night, laying in bed, I asked him if we could schedule 'massage' sessions where he would use his hands or toys on me, without penetration. I figure this would help us figure out what my body responds too, without putting pressure on him. I thought we'd both look forward to intimate time together. For me, anticipation is the best part. Nerdboy said no. For him, scheduling sex means the death of sex. And even more than that, it makes him anxious. I know I've come up against this before. I thought I was being flirty and suggested having sex when we got home, and he got a bit snippy about it. He's told me sex is best spontaneous and made a big deal about it.
I don't know what to do. I'm disappointed. I don't know why he'd be anxious when I don't expect P-in-V sex. I really want to have an orgasm and I think this will help, and make penetrative sex better as well. Scheduling will make me less anxious and him more anxious. My needs are not more important than his, though. I really want him to help me with this, otherwise I'm going to have to have solo sessions while he's at work.
It's so hard to get rejected. He's got these rules and they're making me unsure of what to do. I won't initiate sex now because I can't understand when he'll go for it and I've been spurned twice. And it's silly because in a long-term relationship there's going to be times when one will want it and the other won't and it doesn't mean the desire is gone.
2. Nerdboy, celebrity doppelgangers:
I can see why.
3. We've been on a sex-every-six-days cycle. Nerdboy initiates it, mostly. And it's been fairly routine, and not that good for me. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles down there if it's only happening once a week. I think I get a little overwhelmed, maybe a little anxious. "Oh, huh! Sex! We're having sex! What do I do? What do I want?"
And I've told Nerdboy this but he can't feel what I'm feeling and I make a lot of noises so he thinks he's doing okay. I have tried to explain what I want and so he does it once and never again, and I hate asking over and over again. I haven't even had sex 100 times and I can't believe it's getting boring already.
If I ask for what I want, or take initiative, it's quite a lot better for me, but I've got all this Weirdness about Sex still and it's really really hard for me to blurt out my requests. I'm actually keen to try new positions.
Nerdboy won't French kiss me and I'm finding it really boring to kiss during foreplay. Can't we have open mouthed kissing? I've requested it several times and he keeps saying we'll work on it later. He says there's a technique he's forgotten. I told him I really am not a connoisseur and just want my tongue to touch his tongue without overthinking it. I think we're getting uptight about this and it kills passion for me.
He said we're sexually compatible but I don't know who I am sexually, and he's basically training me.
No orgasm yet. Last night, laying in bed, I asked him if we could schedule 'massage' sessions where he would use his hands or toys on me, without penetration. I figure this would help us figure out what my body responds too, without putting pressure on him. I thought we'd both look forward to intimate time together. For me, anticipation is the best part. Nerdboy said no. For him, scheduling sex means the death of sex. And even more than that, it makes him anxious. I know I've come up against this before. I thought I was being flirty and suggested having sex when we got home, and he got a bit snippy about it. He's told me sex is best spontaneous and made a big deal about it.
I don't know what to do. I'm disappointed. I don't know why he'd be anxious when I don't expect P-in-V sex. I really want to have an orgasm and I think this will help, and make penetrative sex better as well. Scheduling will make me less anxious and him more anxious. My needs are not more important than his, though. I really want him to help me with this, otherwise I'm going to have to have solo sessions while he's at work.
It's so hard to get rejected. He's got these rules and they're making me unsure of what to do. I won't initiate sex now because I can't understand when he'll go for it and I've been spurned twice. And it's silly because in a long-term relationship there's going to be times when one will want it and the other won't and it doesn't mean the desire is gone.
Monday, 28 April 2014
Some ups, some downs, but I'm okay
I wrote a big post when Nerdboy and I had our first big fight, but decided not to publish it. I don't even know what started the fight. My friends said it sounded like he was 'manstruating' because he was just in a mood and it blew up in my bewildered face.
I have so much to do this week but I feel like I need to get my thoughts in order. I left my purse at someone's house last night and am somewhat stranded without my wallet.
I am still underemployed and even though I went out and found some small teaching gigs, the amount of time I put into prepping and travelling means they're probably not worth the effort. I'm trying to work on making money as an artist and maybe doing the craft business thing as well. Many different ideas, energy going in so many directions, lots to do, not a lot of income at the moment. It's on my mind all the time, I never just take a day off. It's all I talk about with my friends, I hope they bear with me. My network of friends and acquaintances have been fairly supportive so fair. Nerdboy's been amazing, although sometimes he freaks out and a little while ago he did complain about not getting weekends with me.
I met a young woman who's starting a non-profit organization and is looking for a partner. I'm meeting with her this week. I really want to do it. I haven't exactly told Nerdboy how seriously I'm considering it. It will take probably 3 years before the non-profit got stabilized enough to pay ourselves proper wages, and it will be a constant struggle to keep an arts-focused non-profit afloat. But I'm so angry at the world these days, and I need to do something I feel good about. Life with Nerdboy has been a bit reclusive, I work odd hours and am tired and happy to spend evenings on the couch with him instead of all the volunteering and clubs I used to attend.
Nerdboy. I'm quite happy with our day-to-day life. I hope it's not just the novelty of living with someone for the first time. I get excited about grocery shopping together, I ogle him when he comes out the shower (ha, pervert!), I grin at him when we're reading in bed together. He thinks I'm weird but I think he's flattered.
Sometimes I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach though- he's not what I wanted. He's not scrupulously ethical, he's not on board with the green living thing, he doesn't even donate to charity! I wanted someone more concerned with others, with giving back. I don't think he's a bad person, I think he's just trying to live his little life. He's been through some stuff and I think he believes he gets to indulge himself for his own happiness...it's a big jump to get to happy through not thinking about yourself. I'm not there yet either but I can at least glimpse the possibilities.
anyways. I think about this stuff a lot.
I'm pretty angry these days, as I said. I secretly flip the bird to every SUV and big truck that passes. Just a little twitch of the middle finger. I don't know why I do it. It's probably causing me distress, I realize it does nothing, much as I'd like to believe in karma. But its my accounting of how much work has to be done. Our society has no connection to the Earth, no idea where things come from or where they go when they're done, no thought of future generations. Even if you don't believe in climate change, you can believe in rising gas prices as you burn the stuff up!
And I'm a bit obsessed with overpopulation (I did a report on the subject in high school.) When did the Earth reach 1 billion humans? 1863. We've doubled twice since then. So I frown a bit when people announce the birth of their third... It's not their fault. They love their children, and every living thing wants to pass on its genes. There's enough food, life seems good, and so they reproduce.
I haven't dealt with the fact that I probably am jealous. I never experienced love and sex, and my female parts don't totally work right (PCOS). I never allowed myself to imagine being a mother, I just didn't think about it. And then I met Nerdboy and finally had sex and immediately he got a vasectomy before I even had time to get used to the idea of pregnancy being a possibility. So the decision was made for me. Not that I have to stay with Nerdboy forever but it is the path I'm on at the moment.
I have accepted the fact that children are not in my future. I think the future is full of big changes for mankind and scary ones. It's very depressing. But yesterday we were in the car after a family dinner and somehow started talking about whether it was selfless or selfish to remain childless. Apparently a lot of people with kids think childless people are selfish. And yes, parenting is a lot of work and unpleasantness and sacrifice. I agree. But is it selfless to make a child if you know you could pass on a genetic disease? Would a parent choose to rescue their own child over saving multiple others? There is a little bit of ego in passing on your genes.
Enough philosophizing....the point is, Nerdboy claimed that children were poop-machines that didn't have personalities until the age of five. As a teacher, and devoted aunt, I disagreed vehemently. And I said, "There's a part of me that's sad I won't be a mother and I don't think you get that!" He was surprised, said I'd never said anything. (I have, I remember clearly because it was hard for me to say, but he didn't register what I said or how much emotion was behind it. And he's forgotten that I wasn't totally comfortable with the vasectomy idea.) I would prefer a man who wanted children, or at least chose not to have them for the same reasons as me, not just because babies soil their diapers and it's icky.
I realized that maybe I'm so angry about the state of the environment because I feel like my future is gone. I should feel nothing if I have no children, I can use all the resources I want because when I'm gone, it's other people's problems. But I'm trying to live lightly and have chosen voluntary extinction. And that's the saddest thing possible- the thought of the end of our species. I am going against every instinct to reproduce. I am sad for the children I won't have and for what today's children are going to inherit.
We didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and we went to our computers when we got home. Later in bed he asked what was up but I have such trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's not empathetic, I can't tell how much he understands. I felt my eyes watering so I just cuddled him. I said, 'How much do we hide from each other?" He joked, "was I having an affair?"... Not at all what I meant. He said he was mostly honest with me, except he didn't want to burden me. He said something about things that were too heavy or I wouldn't care about. I should have pressed him to say more but we went to sleep.
I have been wishing we'd talk more. I imagined staying up all night sharing ideas and deep secrets with a lover. I long for intense conversations. This hasn't happened. I wish he would be vulnerable with me. I am a little with him, but I hide so much from him. I don't know why, relationships are new to me and I guess I think it's better to not rock the boat?
I don't know how to initiate sex and I seem to think about it more than he does. (And he told me he was so sexual!) If we go more than three day, I'm hoping for it, and disappointed, but I don't say anything. Although two weeks ago I made a plan in the morning to suggest he use the vibrator on me and finally just before bed I blurted it out and um...it went much better than expected.
I still can't orgasm. Since that night though, we'll have sex and he'll have his finish and then he'll focus on me for as long as I want. It can be an hour of just his hands or the vibrator, and I'm able to feel pleasure that I didn't think was possible last year, but still no orgasm. But it's something we're working on together and that feels reassuring.
Sometimes I do seem to feel some despair about sex though. Whatever coping mechanisms I came up with during those years of celibacy have messed me up a little, and they've not totally dropped away.
Life has changed so much and who I am is being shaken up a bit. Living with someone certainly reveals one's flaws. I don't think I'd trade this life but it's still fitting like new shoes that need breaking in.
I have so much to do this week but I feel like I need to get my thoughts in order. I left my purse at someone's house last night and am somewhat stranded without my wallet.
I am still underemployed and even though I went out and found some small teaching gigs, the amount of time I put into prepping and travelling means they're probably not worth the effort. I'm trying to work on making money as an artist and maybe doing the craft business thing as well. Many different ideas, energy going in so many directions, lots to do, not a lot of income at the moment. It's on my mind all the time, I never just take a day off. It's all I talk about with my friends, I hope they bear with me. My network of friends and acquaintances have been fairly supportive so fair. Nerdboy's been amazing, although sometimes he freaks out and a little while ago he did complain about not getting weekends with me.
I met a young woman who's starting a non-profit organization and is looking for a partner. I'm meeting with her this week. I really want to do it. I haven't exactly told Nerdboy how seriously I'm considering it. It will take probably 3 years before the non-profit got stabilized enough to pay ourselves proper wages, and it will be a constant struggle to keep an arts-focused non-profit afloat. But I'm so angry at the world these days, and I need to do something I feel good about. Life with Nerdboy has been a bit reclusive, I work odd hours and am tired and happy to spend evenings on the couch with him instead of all the volunteering and clubs I used to attend.
Nerdboy. I'm quite happy with our day-to-day life. I hope it's not just the novelty of living with someone for the first time. I get excited about grocery shopping together, I ogle him when he comes out the shower (ha, pervert!), I grin at him when we're reading in bed together. He thinks I'm weird but I think he's flattered.
Sometimes I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach though- he's not what I wanted. He's not scrupulously ethical, he's not on board with the green living thing, he doesn't even donate to charity! I wanted someone more concerned with others, with giving back. I don't think he's a bad person, I think he's just trying to live his little life. He's been through some stuff and I think he believes he gets to indulge himself for his own happiness...it's a big jump to get to happy through not thinking about yourself. I'm not there yet either but I can at least glimpse the possibilities.
anyways. I think about this stuff a lot.
I'm pretty angry these days, as I said. I secretly flip the bird to every SUV and big truck that passes. Just a little twitch of the middle finger. I don't know why I do it. It's probably causing me distress, I realize it does nothing, much as I'd like to believe in karma. But its my accounting of how much work has to be done. Our society has no connection to the Earth, no idea where things come from or where they go when they're done, no thought of future generations. Even if you don't believe in climate change, you can believe in rising gas prices as you burn the stuff up!
And I'm a bit obsessed with overpopulation (I did a report on the subject in high school.) When did the Earth reach 1 billion humans? 1863. We've doubled twice since then. So I frown a bit when people announce the birth of their third... It's not their fault. They love their children, and every living thing wants to pass on its genes. There's enough food, life seems good, and so they reproduce.
I haven't dealt with the fact that I probably am jealous. I never experienced love and sex, and my female parts don't totally work right (PCOS). I never allowed myself to imagine being a mother, I just didn't think about it. And then I met Nerdboy and finally had sex and immediately he got a vasectomy before I even had time to get used to the idea of pregnancy being a possibility. So the decision was made for me. Not that I have to stay with Nerdboy forever but it is the path I'm on at the moment.
I have accepted the fact that children are not in my future. I think the future is full of big changes for mankind and scary ones. It's very depressing. But yesterday we were in the car after a family dinner and somehow started talking about whether it was selfless or selfish to remain childless. Apparently a lot of people with kids think childless people are selfish. And yes, parenting is a lot of work and unpleasantness and sacrifice. I agree. But is it selfless to make a child if you know you could pass on a genetic disease? Would a parent choose to rescue their own child over saving multiple others? There is a little bit of ego in passing on your genes.
Enough philosophizing....the point is, Nerdboy claimed that children were poop-machines that didn't have personalities until the age of five. As a teacher, and devoted aunt, I disagreed vehemently. And I said, "There's a part of me that's sad I won't be a mother and I don't think you get that!" He was surprised, said I'd never said anything. (I have, I remember clearly because it was hard for me to say, but he didn't register what I said or how much emotion was behind it. And he's forgotten that I wasn't totally comfortable with the vasectomy idea.) I would prefer a man who wanted children, or at least chose not to have them for the same reasons as me, not just because babies soil their diapers and it's icky.
I realized that maybe I'm so angry about the state of the environment because I feel like my future is gone. I should feel nothing if I have no children, I can use all the resources I want because when I'm gone, it's other people's problems. But I'm trying to live lightly and have chosen voluntary extinction. And that's the saddest thing possible- the thought of the end of our species. I am going against every instinct to reproduce. I am sad for the children I won't have and for what today's children are going to inherit.
We didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and we went to our computers when we got home. Later in bed he asked what was up but I have such trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's not empathetic, I can't tell how much he understands. I felt my eyes watering so I just cuddled him. I said, 'How much do we hide from each other?" He joked, "was I having an affair?"... Not at all what I meant. He said he was mostly honest with me, except he didn't want to burden me. He said something about things that were too heavy or I wouldn't care about. I should have pressed him to say more but we went to sleep.
I have been wishing we'd talk more. I imagined staying up all night sharing ideas and deep secrets with a lover. I long for intense conversations. This hasn't happened. I wish he would be vulnerable with me. I am a little with him, but I hide so much from him. I don't know why, relationships are new to me and I guess I think it's better to not rock the boat?
I don't know how to initiate sex and I seem to think about it more than he does. (And he told me he was so sexual!) If we go more than three day, I'm hoping for it, and disappointed, but I don't say anything. Although two weeks ago I made a plan in the morning to suggest he use the vibrator on me and finally just before bed I blurted it out and um...it went much better than expected.
I still can't orgasm. Since that night though, we'll have sex and he'll have his finish and then he'll focus on me for as long as I want. It can be an hour of just his hands or the vibrator, and I'm able to feel pleasure that I didn't think was possible last year, but still no orgasm. But it's something we're working on together and that feels reassuring.
Sometimes I do seem to feel some despair about sex though. Whatever coping mechanisms I came up with during those years of celibacy have messed me up a little, and they've not totally dropped away.
Life has changed so much and who I am is being shaken up a bit. Living with someone certainly reveals one's flaws. I don't think I'd trade this life but it's still fitting like new shoes that need breaking in.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Kissing 101?
I'm working on my own me-being-an-artist projects this month, and doing less teaching. Not exactly by choice...Income is the tiniest trickle. Meanwhile, I'm coming up with so many ideas of craft products to sell and workshops to teach. I am probably putting my energy into too many ventures.
Nerdboy is being quite supportive and I couldn't do this without him. I hope it's just not gratitude and economic need that keeps me with him.
I think he's a little frustrated with me today. Yesterday I was preparing to teach a workshop and was frazzled, melted a spatula on the stove because I turned on the wrong element. And then I put something in the fridge that leaked everywhere... The workshop went well at least!
He hasn't said 'I love you' for a bit... not directly. He's said 'love you too' when I've said it to him, in that automatic 'yes dear' sort of way. I'm trying not to be weird about this but I've started being hyper aware of the absence of those words. Is it better to say it all the time or to save it for special moments?
He's affectionate and wants cuddles all the time so perhaps I should stop overthinking everything.
A few days ago I said I wanted to watch an old movie, a rare one that I love. Nerdboy had downloaded it months ago. He said I could watch it alone. I said very quietly, 'I want to watch it with you.' I was super hurt for the rest of the evening but I'm so bad at saying what I feel. I composed a speech in my head about what I was going to say. I'm watching the complete Star Trek franchise, movies and tv series (in order) to please him. I think he can watch one old movie, and not reject it before he even knows anything about it.
I didn't say anything that day. In the darkness in bed he started talking about a hard period in his life and then it didn't seem like the moment to change the subject.
~~~
Sex is going okay but still no orgasm.
I read two books.
Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming by Lou Paget.
There was a section (with pictures) of different masturbation techniques and different positions. We only tried a few, not good results. I felt like the book's message was 'try stuff until you have one!'
I also read 'Thanks for Coming' by Mara Altman which was her personal story of trying to have an organism. She was around 25 years old I think, lost her virginity at 17, her parents were really open about sex, her dad is a sex therapist... but she wouldn't touch herself. I'm pretty prudish, but even I was super frustrated that she was writing this whole book without doing step 1.
She goes on some wild adventures, really weird stuff. I don't know if I got anything out of it except to be reminded I'm really really vanilla.
~~~
Nerdboy won't use tongue when he kisses.
I don't get it. He's done almost every sexual act you can think of, he'll put his mouth lots of other places...he'll suck on my nose as a joke and I think that's gross...
All I want is the tip of my tongue to touch the tip of his tongue and roll around one or twice.
The only other person I ever kissed had a half-paralyzed mouth.
Nerdboy said I was too aggressive with my tongue. Then he'd dartingly thrust his tongue into my mouth exaggeratedly to demonstrate. He said, 'I'll have to teach you to French kiss'.
So we tried, and it was a disaster. He just giggled and said he didn't remember how to do it.
I've tried a few times to venture my tongue out and he told me it wasn't sexy.
But I'm so bored with his kisses, and when we have sex, sometimes we kiss but just as often we don't.
We've never really made out.
~~~
All my worries, written out.
I don't have relationship experience to draw on. I'm so insecure, and Nerdboy has his share of issues.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
Reading this back, our relationship seems a little strange and I wonder what readers will think of Nerdboy.
Of course I've highlighted the lows and not the highs so that skews things.
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Still don't believe it
Nerdboy is out jogging. We had sex this morning, after a very busy week, during which we were quite grumpy at each other more than once. I have a harder time relaxing the muscles after a 'week off', and I can have some pain, and he'll be impatient and won't last long... Anyways, it wasn't great but it was fine. I never did go to physio, have to look into my health insurance policy to see if I can afford it.
Sometimes I just can't believe this has all happened to me.
I haven't been cuddled this much since I was a little child.
And now I live with this man from the internet, a man who's done everything sexually and I suspect has tried most narcotics too. That's all in the past but we both remark on how strange it is that we're together. "I do think it's funny I ended up with a virgin." "Hon, I never expected you. I thought I'd get a virgin!"
He'll be reading in bed and glance over and find me staring at him.
I'm just trying to understand the foreignness of another person. Strange strange man! I've never really been close to someone. Living with someone is bizarre. And wonderful. And frustrating.
I'm still not sure I understand his bisexuality. I know he's been in relationships with men. I tried to picture him kissing a man and couldn't do it. Mostly I just ignore it. Sometimes he comments on how hot some actor is. We don't have the same taste in men!
Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to just the physical. My crushes have an element of the chaste to them. Sex for me is still new and needs a great deal of trust. Maybe it's partly how men and women view sex?Although my friends will comment on 'hot guys' whereas I never have. (I do love Colin Firth, but it's not about what he looks like.)
I read an article on a married couple where the man was bisexual and after 15 years together, he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality. They agreed he could sleep with other people, and then opened up their relationship so she could too, and had threesomes and foursomes. I didn't show the article to Nerdboy, but it's in the back of my mind. Is that what we end up doing if we stay together? I can't picture it. Cannot picture me there at all.
I think I would let him have affairs if it were just about sex. Better to be open about it than sneaking around.
This is moral grey area for me and it's weird to even being weighing these possibilities in my mind.
Nerdboy just helped me build a big art installation out of cardboard for an art festival. I couldn't have done with without him, he wouldn't have done it without me. He loved it. I wanted to pay him and he refused.
We already have another project (and another deadline!). We did fight a little during the last one but this might be our weird 'togetherness' thing.
He is really being supportive. He said he was investing in me and my career. Damn it, he might just be good for me!
Because of the installation, I have some money in the bank this month! Not sure what's happening next with my career, but I am trying to make things happen and it's exciting.
Sometimes I just can't believe this has all happened to me.
I haven't been cuddled this much since I was a little child.
And now I live with this man from the internet, a man who's done everything sexually and I suspect has tried most narcotics too. That's all in the past but we both remark on how strange it is that we're together. "I do think it's funny I ended up with a virgin." "Hon, I never expected you. I thought I'd get a virgin!"
He'll be reading in bed and glance over and find me staring at him.
I'm just trying to understand the foreignness of another person. Strange strange man! I've never really been close to someone. Living with someone is bizarre. And wonderful. And frustrating.
I'm still not sure I understand his bisexuality. I know he's been in relationships with men. I tried to picture him kissing a man and couldn't do it. Mostly I just ignore it. Sometimes he comments on how hot some actor is. We don't have the same taste in men!
Besides, I'm not sexually attracted to just the physical. My crushes have an element of the chaste to them. Sex for me is still new and needs a great deal of trust. Maybe it's partly how men and women view sex?Although my friends will comment on 'hot guys' whereas I never have. (I do love Colin Firth, but it's not about what he looks like.)
I read an article on a married couple where the man was bisexual and after 15 years together, he wanted to explore that side of his sexuality. They agreed he could sleep with other people, and then opened up their relationship so she could too, and had threesomes and foursomes. I didn't show the article to Nerdboy, but it's in the back of my mind. Is that what we end up doing if we stay together? I can't picture it. Cannot picture me there at all.
I think I would let him have affairs if it were just about sex. Better to be open about it than sneaking around.
This is moral grey area for me and it's weird to even being weighing these possibilities in my mind.
Nerdboy just helped me build a big art installation out of cardboard for an art festival. I couldn't have done with without him, he wouldn't have done it without me. He loved it. I wanted to pay him and he refused.
We already have another project (and another deadline!). We did fight a little during the last one but this might be our weird 'togetherness' thing.
He is really being supportive. He said he was investing in me and my career. Damn it, he might just be good for me!
Because of the installation, I have some money in the bank this month! Not sure what's happening next with my career, but I am trying to make things happen and it's exciting.
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