Last night there was a long (texting, always bloody texting) conversation with Walrus about theology, our families, and life as a medieval peasant, among other things. It was almost midnight and I decided to broach the question.
"You and me. What's happening? We're pretty close these days."
"Yes, we are. I see it as platonic."
"Not platonic enough that I can date again!"
(long pause.)
I continue. "Things are just feeling a bit weird. We held hands, you fed me a cookie....Do you know what I mean?"
"I do."
(long, long pause)
Me again. "It's just got to go one way or another. We don't have to talk about this now, but I had to get it off my chest."
Him: "Fair enough."
Me: "Well, good night. This was awkward, huh?"
Him. "So awkward." He then goes on to try and lighten the mood by talking about farting in church, and I just say good night. And cry myself to sleep.
Seeing as I am essentially a 31-year old virgin, being his platonic best friend messes with my mind. The relationship was always lacking passion. What am I doing wrong? Yes, I want to hang out with you and talk to you every day and tell you everything but hold the sex, thanks.
I've got my horrible re-occurring cough again and am feeling pretty miserable. I'm all in a huff because Christmas is about consumption and waste and not gratitude and all the beautiful things it should be about, and even my pretty-environmentally aware family is guilty of it. But mostly I'm feeling like a failure. Why am I sucking at life so badly?
None of this is meant to be offensive, but: you're approaching this very passively. Or maybe just cautiously. Many of your messages to Walrus (in this post and others) are vague questions in the hope that you can get him to tell you how he feels and what he wants without you really having to ask him directly and risk clear rejection.
ReplyDeleteHowever, even in the face of such vague messages (as a guy I would roll my eyes at "What's happening?" I'd much prefer: "I want XYZ. What do you want?") I think he still managed to give you a clear answer. He sees it as platonic. He doesn't particularly want to have sex with you. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. We all have people with whom we want to have sex and people with whom we don't, and people can move from one list to the other at different times.
If you would like to have sex, with a guy who wants to have sex with you (and I'm pretty sure that it's much more enjoyable that way) then waiting for Walrus to change may not yield results any time soon, or ever. Also, telling him that your close friendship is stopping you from dating other people sounds like you expect him to find a way to enable you to date other people. You are in charge of your life. If you want things to change then you need to initiate that.
As I said, I don't mean to be harsh, but it does sound like you might benefit from being encouraged/pushed to be proactive. I guess in some ways I've been trying to do that with these comments, but it doesn't work very well probably because I'm just some random guy on the internet on another continent. I think it might be interesting if you appointed someone you know, preferably who you see face-to-face sometimes, to be your proactivity-pusher; to say "Eleanor, have you been on a new date this month? Why not? Right then, you're going on a date with this guy at my work. No excuses - dinner this Friday, and then if you don't like him then fair enough, but I'll make you go on at least one date each month until progress arrives."
Why do women have to change their style of communication and not men?
ReplyDeleteBringing up the topic is a lot more direct than sitting there wondering what his backrubs and hugs and calling me 'dear' meant...
Afterwards I did regret that I didn't say clearly that I would like to get back together, but at least I said the present situation is a problem, and yes, his answer, in the second sentence of the conversation, was pretty clear and it made me lose my nerve.
I think his actions continue to be confusing and we've discussed this topic twice now, so something is still not resolved.
The next morning he woke me up with a mundane text about some communication with his medical team and I wrote back groggily, "I'm embarrassed about last night's conversation so please give me some space today. Also I am sick and miserable" After about 6 hours, he wrote, "Are you feeling any better?" and since then it's been back to constant small talk about Christmas, including a conversation that started at 12:30am last night. No mention has been made of the platonic or not conversation.
At this point, it seems to me that he is getting what he wants from the friendship and I am not. I don't want to be his platonic best friend, because it will almost certainly end when one of us starts to date again, and because it is a constant reminder that I am on his 'no-sex' list. What role is left for me but 'mother' or 'nurse'?
I am surprised at myself. I was really considering some sort of 'friends-with-benefits' arrangement with Walrus. I care about him and there is a kind of love there, yet I never felt he was the love of my life or that we were a particularly good match. I said I'd never have sex without love, but there you go: turns out I might have done it.
It's not even that my body needs it. (It's only sporadically interested.) It's that I've decided it's time for this to happen so I can be a grown-up and comfortable with sex.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I should date again, but first I need to concentrate on getting a job. I need to change a lot of things in my life and I am going work hard to do that. As for Walrus, I don't know if I should make my declaration (all or nothing!) or just let things run their course. Do I abruptly change the rules of the friendship or just start a slow withdrawal?
I do get something out of it...
Perhaps I was a bit harsh on your communication style. You're right that you did bring up topics rather than leaving them undiscussed.
DeleteI agree that his actions sound confusing. I think it's unhelpful that he's not being clearer about what he wants, especially as he must realise that he has much more relationship experience than you. If I were reading a blog by him I would have plenty more blunt advice to write to him!
But I'm only in touch with you, and I guess the point I'm trying to make is: you can't choose how someone else will be (you can request things but they may or may not happen) - you can only choose what you will do. Sometimes it seems like you expect him to do something, and maybe that thing is The Right Thing to do, but that doesn't guarantee that he will do it, so sometimes you're just left with the decision of what you will do in response to a non-ideal situation.
Much of what I read on your blog reminds me of my past experiences, so a lot of what I write is influenced by my own previous/present issues. In my early 20s I was a nice guy, considerate, genuine, reliable, and I thought that this should mean that a girlfriend should materialise for me. After all, even some total jerks seemed to have girlfriends, so why not me? It didn't seem fair. But I realised that sometimes life isn't fair, and that if I wanted something to happen for me I had to be a lot more proactive.
Maybe I'm going off on a tangent there. I think my point is that you'll need to take the initiative with whatever happens with Walrus, as well as with dating and jobs. It's not fair that he's leaving it to you to bring up the risky topics and to decide where things go from here, but that looks to be how things will be.
I guess if getting a job is Priority One, and if things with Walrus aren't blocking that, then maybe there's little harm in continuing to get something out of it for now. Maybe that's partly why you're less inclined to cut contact.