callin' it quits

Last weekend I mostly spent with Nerdboy, the first time I'd slept over since the breakup.  And I knew in my gut it wasn't working.  And we hardly talked all week (I was longing to, but I wanted to see if he would contact me.  He didn't.)  And I had two small announcements- a job interview lined up and a doctor's appt that calls for me to get some testing- and his response was underwhelming.

On Friday I asked if I could see him on the weekend, he didn't answer all day and it was 'yes but not tonight'.  And I decided to do it.

I wrote an email but didn't send it.  An hour later, I just messaged him and blurted (or the typing equivalent of blurting) 'Do you want to just be friends?'
And I waited.  And the response was 'kinda, yeah.  I care about you but I don't know what to do'

And I said ok.

And we had a long chat about our weeks, respective stressful situations, and he was actually focused on what I had to say.  After about an hour, I said...."so..we're just friends then, we've decided?"
 And he said, "yeah, I think that's where we're at.  Take some time if you need it."

"Well, thanks for trying?"
"I'm really sorry.  I was being selfish.  I knew better."

I was in my room at my mother's house, crying, while my family was in the living room.  I don't know if they were aware.

I wanted Nerdboy to fight for me.  I wanted all these two months of off-again on-again to be some epic battle of his head versus his heart, and he would realize that his fear was silly and I was really a great girlfriend (WHICH I WAS)

But, I also remembered all the times I cried in that relationship, and all the dreams I have that he doesn't share...

There is some grief, and some relief.
I think I was kind to 'break up' the way I did.  I wanted to  get angry to list all the reasons behind it but I didn't. And to think he was willing to sleep with me knowing his heart wasn't truly in it.
So what, I win the prize for Purest Love.  And what does that get me?

I'm a bit lost now, I have to find a place to live but my family needs me here for another two months. I might move to a smaller town.  I need to get strategic about the best ways for me to make money, I need to get back to my art and doing things I like.  And don't like---I want to lose the 30 pounds I gained in my time with Nerdboy- and that means exercise and cutting sugar.

Nerdboy did send me a message today:  "if you need to get away for an evening, my door is always open".  And I decided to take his best intentions from that, that he was thinking about me and wanted to be a friend, so I thanked him and said I would, when I was ready.