can't move forward

How many doubts did I have about Nerdboy?  But he rejects me and suddenly I can't live without him.  I still cry at least once a week

I saw on his facebook he had posted a cartoon about a guy being surrounded by little floating hearts and he bats them away and says 'stupid bugs'.
his new Friend, whom I will call Eldorada, had liked it.

Which to me, was indisputably proof they were dating.  (although if he posted it Saturday morning, and she liked it right away, they probably weren't in bed cuddling together...)  But, pretty sure that means he can think about being in love again.

I looked  Eldorada up. She's a graphic designer/artist.  And skinny.  So it seemed like I had been replaced with a more successful version of me.  It stings.
And I cried all day.

Fortunately I left on my trip the next day, and was kept distracted by seeing friends and family.
I do want to move there but am so scared.  It's smaller, harder to find work as an artist.  Cheaper but still not comfortable.  But I'd be able to get outside more, and driving/traffic wouldn't be so bad as the big city.

(Oh, my car is puffing blue smoke right now....I hope it's fixable.  My mom estimated $1000 in repairs if the oil is leaking into the engine)

I saw a school friend on my trip, and she had a business proposition for me-- she wants to open an art studio with me as head teacher.  That would be a good job for me, she'd do all the organizing and admin, and take on the financial risk.  But it's just an idea right now, and six months away from being a reality, and maybe a year or two away from being a viable business...
But, it's tempting.

Nerdboy texted me while I was away, wanted to know if I'd go for a walk with him...I said I wasn't in town.

When I got back, my mom was talking about us living together for a long time....making plans to find a little house with a studio for me
My safety net is turning into a sticky spider's web.

Mom's house is overrun with mice and we are cleaning everything.  Which is what I've wanted to do for a long time, I could just do without the mouse poop.

~~~
So, I'm not a virgin anymore (the one thing Nerdboy handled gracefully, the biggest gift he gave me) but I keep this blog going.  I still feel my inexperience.  This breakup is crushing, and I should have had my heart broken age 18 not 34.
Realizing that the thing I've wanted more than anything else in the world, probably these past 10 years, was a partner.  And I would still go back, if Nerdboy reached out his hand, even though I can see more clearly what I want now.

A few people are messaging me on OKCupid, but nobody I'm excited about.  One guy had the bluntest profile about what he wanted, and is not limiting himself to those in his geographic area.  He's about 5 hours away from me, in the opposite direction from where I'd like to relocate.  He shall be called Honest Abe, should his story continue any further.

I am still mooning over Faraway Crush, but not sure if I should write to him now or wait until I've actually moved to his city.  I feel like he needs order in his life and I will be too chaotic, the way I was for Nerdboy.

~~~
You know what?  I was starting to feel comfortable with sex, but there were still a few hangups.   (I don't initiate it very easily, and Nerdboy and I did not have quite the sex life I was hoping for)
But the thought of having sex with what will be my second partner---terrifying.  Like, it seems dangerous somehow.

Every other person on OKC seems to be into polyamory or something kinky.  I'm pretty vanilla and I don't want to do that stuff.  And I don't want to explain to someone else about the late virginity and the pain if not done right...
Almost entirely, my sexual experience is with Nerdboy and the thought of someone else doing those things isn't titillating, it's anxiety-inducing.