I was watching 'The Music Man' on the classic movie channel and was inspired by the character of Marian the Librarian to start a list of films that portray loveshy characters. For those of you who don't know the film, it takes Marian '26 years to get to the footbridge with a fella.' She is a music teacher and the head librarian in the town library, the keeper of all things cultural and intellectual in a small farm town. She falls in love with a travelling salesman, and even though he's a swindler she defends him because he's brought some excitement into her buttoned-up life. "There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing, til there was you", she sings to him.
There's a similar plot in 'The Rainmaker' (1956.) Katherine Hepburn plays Lizzie, smart and practical and plain. She's fated to be an old maid until Burt Lancaster, the rainmaker, comes into town. He is revealed as a phony and chased out of town but not until he and Lizzie share a kiss in the barn. For the first time she feels beautiful. Burt Lancaster leaves, and Lizzie settles down with the town sheriff. (Burt Lancaster is absolutely magnetic in this role, by the way.)
Katherine Hepburn played a few spinsters in her day...There's also The African Queen, where she plays a prim and proper missionary, and Summertime, where she plays a middle-aged school teacher who has a fling with a married man on a trip to Italy. Katherine Hepburn is such a quirky, smart, strong woman herself that she seems to either get the role of powerful wife who has to embrace domesticity in order to live peacefully with a husband threatened by her independence, or the spinster. Women who choose to remain single and are fulfilled by their independence challenge woman's role as wife and mother in the structure of society, so they have to be shown as depressed, dumpy, objects of ridicule. I'm stealing some of these ideas from this great article I just read, on a blog I'm going to check out again when I've got more time: Hollywood Spinster
Bette Davis in Now Voyager transforms from a dumpy old maid to a stylish confidant woman through her love for a man she can't have and a child that's not her own. All of these women are grateful beyond expression for the chance to be loved, even if it's only temporary or socially unacceptable.
The only film I can think of that deals with incel for both sexes is Marty (1955.) From IMDB: "Marty is a 34-year-old butcher whose Italian family is constantly after him to get married. He meets plain-looking schoolteacher Clara. They are both lonely, unglamorous people who have resigned themselves to their unloved lives. But they manage, in time, to grope their way to love."
Some quotes from the movie:
"All my brothers and brothers-in-laws tell me what a good-hearted guy I am. You don't get to be good-hearted by accident. You get kicked around long enough, you become a professor of pain."
"Ma, sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that women like, I ain't got it."
"See, dogs like us, we ain't such dogs as we think we are."
I find this film very hard to watch, and yet I'm drawn in. I think at one point one of the two characters actually talks about thinking about killing themself. Marty calls himself and Clara 'dogs'. They meet at a dance when nobody else wants to dance with them. Clara's date leaves her for another, more attractive girl, and Marty is asked to take over for him. His family and friends discourage the budding relationship, but he decides he was happier with Clara and asks her to marry him.
Sometimes I feel like love is only for beautiful people....In the movies it is anyways.
Showing posts with label incel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label incel. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Numbers, Decisions and Support
I think writing this blog is helpful, even though I've been pretty negative lately...
Feeling slightly better today, since summer school is almost over, and I'm looking forward to a month of feeling healthier, enjoying summer and getting my ducks in a row.
Last night I started an 'official' Moving Out Budget excel spreadsheet. I realized I was trying to make a budget for a year of not working, when in fact it's only 8 months! I will graduate in May 2012, and can start working that summer! I'm going to get a nice city job right after graduating, right? Even estimating next summer's income using the wage I'm getting this summer, moving out is not completely unattainable. If I can make $150 a week while at school I wouldn't even have to touch my savings at all...
It's still going to be a penny-pinching life, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled and if anybody I know needs a roommate I think I'll go for it.
In other news, my pregnant sister-in-law had false labour last weekend so she could pop any day now, although her due date's next week.
I am still coughing a little and short of breath, especially when I wake up. I have to use a puffer twice a day!
I am still watching as much Big Bang Theory as I can, and my favourite classic movie dvd 'I Know Where I'm Going' had to go back to the library but I watched it daily for two weeks.
My best friend in another city is getting ready to move back to town, just a 10 minute walk from me! I can't wait, but right now she is very very very stressed and busy. We usually talk to each other several times a week, hour long phone calls, but right now our schedules aren't allowing that, and when we do talk she is very distracted. She talks a lot about all the things she has to get done and it's very boring for me, but I'm trying to be supportive since she's supported me through a lot of distraught phone calls! In the meantime, this blog is my release for those sorts of feelings- maybe a way for me to be more independent?
I also check this forum, Incel Support almost daily, although I'm not a member. I believe that is called 'creeping'! I find the success stories and the solutions page very helpful, although I warn you that there is a few people who use the forum as a cry for help, and their posts are very negative and even suicidal. Suicidal posts are deleted and their posters banned. It is sad that people are driven to that, and that the forum can't help, but they really can't... Also it seems that male incels react sometimes by hating women, all women....
I'm not doing a real good job of selling it, am I? There are really positive and helpful discussions, most of the time, I promise. A few days ago I read a post that I'm still thinking over. A guy posted he'd went on his first internet date and had a good time, but realized he had no business dating until he got a better job, moved out and lost weight.... Sounds exactly like what I'm telling myself now. Everyone told him that he shouldn't wait, shouldn't put off working on finding a relationship until some undefined date, that if he had a good time he should run with it, that he should work on everything all at once... I don't know. If he doesn't like himself, if he isn't happy with his life, how well he do in a relationship?
It seems that older virgins aren't in general very successful in other areas of their lives...is it low self esteem creating failure or failure creating low self esteem? This study paints a picture of the typical older virgin- I don't quite fit the mold except that I'm white and I don't drink much....
Note- Watching Big Bang Theory as I write- it's my favourite episode, when Leonard and Penny first go out.
Feeling slightly better today, since summer school is almost over, and I'm looking forward to a month of feeling healthier, enjoying summer and getting my ducks in a row.
Last night I started an 'official' Moving Out Budget excel spreadsheet. I realized I was trying to make a budget for a year of not working, when in fact it's only 8 months! I will graduate in May 2012, and can start working that summer! I'm going to get a nice city job right after graduating, right? Even estimating next summer's income using the wage I'm getting this summer, moving out is not completely unattainable. If I can make $150 a week while at school I wouldn't even have to touch my savings at all...
It's still going to be a penny-pinching life, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled and if anybody I know needs a roommate I think I'll go for it.
In other news, my pregnant sister-in-law had false labour last weekend so she could pop any day now, although her due date's next week.
I am still coughing a little and short of breath, especially when I wake up. I have to use a puffer twice a day!
I am still watching as much Big Bang Theory as I can, and my favourite classic movie dvd 'I Know Where I'm Going' had to go back to the library but I watched it daily for two weeks.
My best friend in another city is getting ready to move back to town, just a 10 minute walk from me! I can't wait, but right now she is very very very stressed and busy. We usually talk to each other several times a week, hour long phone calls, but right now our schedules aren't allowing that, and when we do talk she is very distracted. She talks a lot about all the things she has to get done and it's very boring for me, but I'm trying to be supportive since she's supported me through a lot of distraught phone calls! In the meantime, this blog is my release for those sorts of feelings- maybe a way for me to be more independent?
I also check this forum, Incel Support almost daily, although I'm not a member. I believe that is called 'creeping'! I find the success stories and the solutions page very helpful, although I warn you that there is a few people who use the forum as a cry for help, and their posts are very negative and even suicidal. Suicidal posts are deleted and their posters banned. It is sad that people are driven to that, and that the forum can't help, but they really can't... Also it seems that male incels react sometimes by hating women, all women....
I'm not doing a real good job of selling it, am I? There are really positive and helpful discussions, most of the time, I promise. A few days ago I read a post that I'm still thinking over. A guy posted he'd went on his first internet date and had a good time, but realized he had no business dating until he got a better job, moved out and lost weight.... Sounds exactly like what I'm telling myself now. Everyone told him that he shouldn't wait, shouldn't put off working on finding a relationship until some undefined date, that if he had a good time he should run with it, that he should work on everything all at once... I don't know. If he doesn't like himself, if he isn't happy with his life, how well he do in a relationship?
It seems that older virgins aren't in general very successful in other areas of their lives...is it low self esteem creating failure or failure creating low self esteem? This study paints a picture of the typical older virgin- I don't quite fit the mold except that I'm white and I don't drink much....
Note- Watching Big Bang Theory as I write- it's my favourite episode, when Leonard and Penny first go out.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Feedback Loop
This is going to be all over the place, thematically.
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
My blood test came back fine and the doctor said he couldn't do anything for my cough. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Does that mean I'm depressed?
A few years ago I was at the point where I would randomly start crying all the time. I went to counselling and worked very hard. I like to think I've beaten it, but at the same time I think I accept a mild depression as part and parcel of never having had a relationship. Self esteem can only go so far when faced with the cold hard reality of nobody wants to snog me.
Found this video today:
http://blip.tv/the-incel-project-/dr-carpenter-977157
It's an interview with a sociologist on the subject of incel. It's over 13 minutes long but reasonably interesting even if somewhat disheartening at times. She talks about involuntary celibacy leading to more involuntary celibacy since the individual's self esteem is lowered the longer he or she lives with it, and possible partners being turned off by the seeming oddity of an older virgin.
How do I get out of this feedback loop?
My self esteem is pretty good, on the surface. If I was asked, I would say I was a good person, smart, not bad looking....However I do this thing where I fixate on one area of myself that needs changing. As soon as I work hard enough and fix it, I will be a successful human being deserving of whatever reward I'm after. I have put off applying for jobs until I had one more qualification, or a few more good drawings in my portfolio. In terms of relationships, I have tried online dating on and off and always feel like I'm not ready.
I'm a perfectly lovely human being, just in need of some polishing before I'm ready to put myself on the market...(job or meat as the case may be.)
When I move out. When I lose a few pounds. When I get my career going. When I've got a bigger social circle...
Honestly, I've even told myself I'm waiting till my hair grows out! (I had a pixie cut that I'm letting go long, it's awkward at the moment.)
On a lighter note, I was browsing OK Cupid and am quite taken with this bearded fellow who likes Velma more than Daphne and lists Amelie as a favourite movie. Fantasizing about dressing up in my Velma costume (because I have one, like every good geekette), and a mask and photographing myself holding a 'Do you want to meet me?' sign like Amelie sends Nico. Not going to do it, but imagine the 'how we met' story....
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