O Magic Eight Ball...

...or tarot cards or palm reader or newspaper horoscope columnist, tell me my future.
I know I'm in a mood when I start looking for answers in the horoscopes...

But I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME and I WANNA KNOW NOW!  It's so UNFAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I've had lots of temper tantrums and lots of sob-fests this summer but nothing happens.  Today has been particularly moody.  Thank you hormones.

Quick updates.  Wrapped up internship.  They said I was 'a gem'.  'Capable'  They praised my sense of humour.  Huh?   Anyways, it was a not-bad experience in the end, and I've got four new facebook friends out of it.  That's almost like an achievement.

I'm volunteering for another major festival for the next two weeks (one of a few hundred other volunteers), and am also helping with another little festival this weekend, the one I worked for last summer.  Yeah, I know it's confusing that I work/volunteer for all these nameless festivals but I want to keep my anonymity.  (Did I really spell that right?)

If  nothing else, I am busy.

Still jobless, and getting a bit worried.  Mom was talking about her new job at a family dinner, and said the car and major appliances are all breaking at once and she can't afford to fix them.  (Did I mention Mom's working two days a week?  She's been off work for years so this is a good first step) I want to contribute to the household at least, if I can't afford to move out yet, and I wouldn't mind having a working dishwasher again....

I know logically a job should be my number one goal, but I have a continuous pity-party going because I'm single.  It took everything I had today not to text 'I miss you, you stupid bastard' to Walrus.  A romantic message if ever there was one.  I skipped choir this week, and so haven't seen him, and so didn't receive my birthday hat (see previous post)

Eleanor, have you forgotten what it was like?  On the one hand, spooning and kisses and love poems, sure, but on the other, he was always late, spent your money, poor hygiene, and didn't recycle!  And that's a partial list!

Oh but I want to be special to someone again!  Whine whine whine!

Two months in, I am no longer 'fresh meat' on OKCupid and hardly get any messages.  I know I should put new photos up but uh, updating the resume is probably a higher priority.  And online dating is a legitimate way to meet people, but it's not the only way.  I'd rather it was Plan B.  There is no Plan A.  I guess Plan A is get a job and a life and move out.  Oh.

I mention OKC because it's almost like reading the horoscopes.  It's a way of daydreaming about what comes next, of possible futures for me.  Who is a 30-something single male online-dater and what does he want?  Do I have what they want?

At the moment I don't see anyone I can imagine being with...I had an immediate reaction when I read Walrus' profile and I thought about him a lot.  (Let's not question my taste, that's not the point.) He contacted me before I was brave enough to contact him.  I've never initiated contact, actually.  That's not the point either.

The point is, I use this pictures of single men to imagine my love life, my Something-Better-than-Poor-Old-Walrus, my Someone-Worth-Waiting for... It's not working.  I can sorta imagine Something Better, but it's basically a blurry montage of old Hollywood movies and soft rock ballads.  I can't imagine it when I read descriptions of real men.  Me and ....that guy?  Kissing?  I don't see it happening.

Some possibilities:  1.  The good ones  really are all taken.  These are the leftovers.  2.  I have unrealistic expectations.  I am looking for a male version of me.   3.  I have some self-esteem issues and am pre-rejecting myself for these men.

Sub-possibilities for number 3:   a.  I should stop self-sabotaging and just write to men than interest me in any  way.   b.  I should concentrate on getting a job and being independent and that will fix self-esteem issues and I will be in a better place to begin looking for a romantic partner.

or c.  I should stop analyzing things to death and go to bed.

The significance of a hat

I was out with a friend yesterday for a wild night of watching the new Dr Who episode (Yeah, I'm nerdy) and Walrus was texting me a bit.  He said he's bought me a hat for my a birthday, one of those 'cloche' style hats that were popular in the 1920's.  I haven't seen the hat yet, but I hope he didn't spend a lot of money on it.  And why did he get me a gift?  Does he think we're getting back together?  It seems unlikely that he's just thanking me for being a good friend...

I probably should be beyond this stage at this point, but in my mind I am analyzing what would need to change to make a relationship with Walrus work.  It's a fairly long list.  I hope this process helps me learn what I need in a relationship and helps me move on.

I admit there's a small part of me that would consider getting back together with him.  Considering it isn't the same as doing it though.  Buying me a hat doesn't fix things!

Alright.  Now what happens?

Online Dating Horror Story Links

http://www.phronk.com/search?q=horrors+of+internet&max-results=20&by-date=true

http://stfucupid.tumblr.com/

Another Wacky Week

In which I go to a party, have a lonely birthday, see Walrus again, and find out when my mother lost her virginity....

End of the festival party:  I'm not good at parties.  There was a part halfway through where I got overwhelmed and sat by myself, right in the middle of the crowd, and just watched.  I won the costume contest.  ( I was Princess Leia.  The crowd actually started chanting 'Leia!  Leia' as soon as the contest was announced.  It was very embarrassing)

Then some people started dancing and not knowing what else to do with myself, I danced a little.  I'd leave if the music got too 'house' but if they played some oldie I'd go back.  Now, I generally don't dance in public.  I bend my knees in time, and think I'm dancing, but it's like my body is frozen.  But, in a Princess Leia costume, the day before my birthday, I just started having fun.  I don't think I'd want to watch footage of me that night, but I was jumping around and just not caring.  And the other dancers knew all the songs and sang along.  For once I wasn't a snob about people being sincere about pop songs.  I could sorta see why people like drinking and dancing... It makes you feel alive.  And while I'm not rushing out to a club this weekend to experience it again, I at least saw another point of view....

Cleaning up after the party took well into the night, so then it officially was my birthday. I missed the last bus out to the suburbs so I stayed overnight at one of the other intern's...she was really drunk and threw up three times.  In the morning she was so embarrassed.  She was really nice and I felt bad for all the mean things I said about the Other Interns before the festival.

My birthday sucked.  I slept all day.  I tried to get a small gathering together and all I got were a bunch of 'maybes'.  The only confirmed guests were a girl from choir and Walrus.  Um.  Awkward.  So I canceled that.  Spend the evening doing laundry and applying for jobs.  My mom didn't even cook me a birthday dinner.  She made herself eggs.  Sigh.

At least my choir had cake for me at this week's session and sang me birthday songs.  It was the first time I'd seen Walrus in two months.  Wasn't sure how to behave. We greeted each other with a hug but I didn't stand next to him during the singing, then ended up next to him anyways later in the evening.  I still fuss over him, getting him a chair, picking up his cane when he drops it.  He went and helped himself to cake about halfway through the session, which I thought was rude.  If nobody else had touched the cake, I certainly wasn't going to.  But he always ignores those social cues if there's food or drink around...

So after choir Walrus and I went to this show.  It was right next door to where we meet for choir and featured a comedian we'd previously seen together.  I'd been trying to get somebody to go with me for weeks, and then Walrus seemed so disappointed when I canceled my birthday plans, so I asked him to come.  He was going to be at choir anyways... And I paid for his ticket, supposedly as a 'loan'.
Yes, I know this is a weird way to see your ex-boyfriend.  Really, I know.
He enjoyed the show.  The audience was invited onto the stage at the end, and no one moved, except Walrus, who clomped his way onto the middle of stage quite unabashedly and starting looking at the unusual instruments.  I followed, but stayed to the side of the stage.   Then the rest of the audience joined us...

Afterwards I waited with him at the bus stop and he talked about what's going on with him.  He's signing up to volunteer for a stroke organization, and applying for financial aid to go back to school.  At one point I was telling him about winning the costume contest and he one-arm hugged me and said 'Good for you, dear!'  and that's bothering me a bit, obviously.

Well, there might have to be a conversation about that.  No, I don't want to get back together.

He told me some anecdote about him getting so drunk he passed out in the bathroom and his ex trying to get in to pee, but he was blocking the door.  She'd hit him with the door and he'd groan, so she left him alone and peed in the kitchen sink.  He thought this was a funny story.
I would have reacted so so so differently than the ex.  He was going to spend his life with this woman?

On another topic, I got a free couch this week and it's sitting outside on the front lawn.  Trying to clear a spot for it in mom's basement, I knocked over a box of her mementos from her high school/college years.  Found notes from her old boyfriend.  One of them said, 'Would you like to engage in sex this evening?  Check one box' followed by three boxes all labeled 'Yes'.  One note might have been about a pregnancy scare in her college years.  Others were about fights and emotional messiness that didn't make sense to me, but must have been intense for the parties involved.

Reading these gave me a weird feeling, and I put them away.  Mom was sexually active in high school.
(So was my sister - She gave me a box of old greeting cards she thought I could use for crafts. In it, I found a note from her friend congratulating her on her first time.)
I also found a necklace with a Women's Lib medallion in Mom's things.  Just weird to think of who she was then and who she is now.
And weird to think of teenage love and to not have that experience.  Or a shoebox full of notes to remember my youth by.  I have two love poems from Walrus though.

Anyways, I'm very tired and I don't know what to do with all these thoughts.  I'm sad that I have no one to talk to, no one to celebrate my birthday with.

Crankypants

Festival is over, (I survived!) but we're doing clean-up stuff this week.  Everyone is very tired and cranky.  I am frustrated by the lack of organization.  I believe many workplaces suffer from a similar problem though.  Nevertheless, I think I was openly rude today and I don't like it when I give in to those feelings.

The festival manager came by and spoke to me (not about being rude! new paragraph, new topic).  I was praised for sounding confident and in control when I had walkie-talkie duty during the festival.  Thanks, but were you expecting less from me?

Walrus and I had a late night conversation yesterday.  He asked me out of the blue what my deepest fear was.  (Rejection and failure and sharks!)  Today we talked (alright, texted) for a long time about him accepting his stroke.  So, don't know what the rules are for the friendship at this point.  There is some contact, most days.  Who knows.  It might hurt a little, but not being friends with him might feel worse.

I went to write back to E, just now, and found he's deleted his OKC account.  Well!  I feel a bit bad but I can't help you if you can't wait three days for an answer.  Ok, it wasn't going to be a good answer.  But still.

Canceled on the job interview this week when I read the email more carefully and realized they wanted me to jump through all these hoops.  All these hoops on my side, and I've only dealt with a computer on theirs.  I was supposed to email my answers to standard interview questions and then attend a group interview and play games!  What is this nonsense? I didn't really want the job.  Maybe I should have gone for it.  It's working with kids.  I don't want to do that anymore.

Trying to throw myself a little birthday gathering so I don't sulk about being alone.  PRO-ACTIVE!

Yeah, I really was cranky today but I seem to be okay now.  Tomorrow's going to suck though.

Horoscope

Alright, I admit I have a weakness for horoscopes.  And this one is a doozy.

Your wishes and social life have run into a quiet, subtle brick wall for the last 2 to 3 years. This has taught you a lot (or puzzled you no end) and you still have long-term adjustments in attitude to make, but October 5 will dissolve this wall to a large degree – you’re going to make more friends, soon. Meanwhile, use the gentle wisdom of this week (and Sunday-Tuesday’s events) to study why the “dry spell” happened. (Hint: romance, and a major change in type of friend, are involved.) Lie low, deal with government, charities midweek. Your energy, magnetism soar Friday/Saturday.

Breeders 2

Warning- this is an eco-rant that will bore most people but is of real concern to me.  It also deals with me wrestling with how my environmental concerns separate me from social activities, maybe that's more interesting.  Oh and at the bottom there's a little update about E.

Yesterday was the baby shower for my sister-in-law.  She started a meet-up group for moms in their twenties a few months ago.  She was very strict about the 'in their 20s' part and wouldn't let anyone over 30 join.  Cheeky 21-year old brat!  So young and doesn't even know it.
Her mommy group threw the shower and they were kind enough to invite my sister and me, and our mom.  However, even my sister, who had her first child in her mid-twenties, was shocked at how young they were.

They had gone to a lot of trouble and had decorated and baked and devised stupid games for us to play.  There were 8 children there under the age of 3.  I was the only childless woman there (my mom had grown children, obviously, but still had pregnancy and baby stories)  I like kids, but I got overwhelmed and started on my "7 billion people is quite enough thank you" rant.  In my head, of course.
I saw a cartoon once that had parents holding out a new baby to some onlookers.  The caption was 'We heard there was a shortage of these'.  Self-congratulatory breeders, ugh.

I am so bitter.  In my heart of hearts I must admit I would like children of my own.  I like babies and I do want to hold them.  Oh, I'm sure there are unresolved issues there.

But I am in the grip of this frenzy about the future of the planet and human civilization.  I won't go into it, only that I am pessimistic and believe that the next generation is going to get stuck with a lot of problems and not enough resources to solve them.

All the moms there except my sister and one other used disposable diapers.  One of the games involved mashed up chocolate bars in diapers and smelling them to see what kind they were.  I was so upset at the waste (of plastic and of chocolate!).  I was upset at the gift wrap, greeting cards with little bits of foam and glitter on them, the gifts she received all made of plastic.... I even hate balloons.  Who hates balloons?

I feel like an extremist.  I see everything as wasteful.  The baby's not even born and it's already filling up landfills for the next thousand years.  It should be a happy event, and I will be a good aunt when the child arrives, but inside I am critical.  The moms acted out of kindness in throwing the party for my sister-in-law; they aren't bad people, they just don't see any problem.

So I'm already an introvert, with mild social anxiety, who can't do small talk.  I don't need to believe that Western Civilization is evil.  But I do.  I think it's shallow, wasteful, exploitative, and leading us to our doom.
So you know, I'm lots of fun at parties.
And hypocritical.  I like flush toilets as much as the next person!
I know there are other people out there who share these concerns.  Maybe I just am an outsider and need to find others like me.  We'll go live on a homestead or a commune or something else suitably hippy-dippy.

Update:
E wrote to me and apologized for being quiet.  He said he does that when he meets new people.  Sure, I can sympathize, but we've been writing for a month.  I guess it wasn't fair that we met on my turf and ran into my friends.  Still.  There was zero connection.  I gave Walrus a second and third chance but I don't want to do that anymore.  It makes me feel desperate.  I don't know.  Introverts work on a different system and everything takes longer but I still have the idea that there should be a connection.  Anyways, E invited me to see a movie and I don't want to go.  I guess I'll have to answer him sometime.  Maybe tomorrow.
Online dating's not really working for me.  Nobody's even looking at my profile.  I didn't think I was that bad-looking...