I'm sure you're tired of hearing about me being wishy-washy about Walrus. (Alliteration! How fun.) Hopefully this is the end of all that. That door is shut.
Last night I went with my friend from choir (previously mentioned as the hostess of a ladies only party and the other half of a spill-yer-guts conversation. We'll call her Meg) to hear a band she was obsessed with. She and her husband bought tickets, but then won two more. They offered to split the cost four ways if I wanted to bring a friend. Since I was supposed to help Walrus with his Halloween costume that afternoon, I invited him. He slept all afternoon, so we didn't do the costume thing....
The concert was at a little hipster restaurant/bar in the bad part of town. Meg and Cam (her hubby) ordered drinks so I had a Brown Cow. Walrus came late and had a beer. Cam paid for the round of drinks, even though they'd already split the price of the tickets with us, when they could have taken the free ones.
We sat ladies on one side of the table, men on the other. Walrus reached across the table and rubbed my elbow. "You look nice in that sweater."
Walrus and Cam got along well and chatted together. I just tried to take it all in. I was a little on edge.
I don't do well with bars, the loudness, the hipsterness, the drinking, the amount of money being spent that I wasn't contributing to... but I really like Meg and she was so happy we'd came. Walrus was happy to be out on a Friday night; it's the kind of lifestyle he's used to.
It happened that M and C left the table and Walrus and I were left alone together. I moved to sit next to him. He said "tell me a story" and I told him about my day. While I was talking he started rubbing my back, leaning into me.
I said 'What are you doing?'
'Rubbing your back'
I said very quietly, 'What do you want from me?'
He said 'Nothing' and I took his hand off of me. Then he just stared ahead and I felt bad for him and gave him a one armed hug and we continued the conversation. But for the rest of the night I wasn't sure what to do and kept my distance.
Cam invited Walrus out to smoke a joint with him, and he accepted the offer. I saw Cam whisper to him and figured out what was up when Walrus put on his jacket. I asked him where he was going and he said 'to make another life decision.' I was annoyed, but didn't really think it was my business. I thought he was just trying to look cool to Cam. He'd already told me pot had no effect on him.
While they were gone I told Meg what had happened. "Trying to rekindle the romance, eh? He needs to talk to you."
M and C loved the band and got right up close to the stage. Walrus needed to sit and played with his phone at our table in the corner. I drifted back and forth. It was much too loud for me up front. I would have rather sat and observed from the back, but I wanted to show our hosts I liked it, and Walrus wasn't really good company anyways.
I did try to start some conversation but it was really loud. At the end of the night I asked if he'd had fun and he said 'It was okay. It's Friday night, you gotta get out.'
Anyways, today I decided we were going to talk about it and I texted him. After some small talk, I finally spit it out. I said the backrub made me uncomfortable, that it was too intimate a gesture from a friend, and if the 'friends' situation were to change, we would have to talk about it first.
I was surprisingly open to considering a reconciliation, or maybe just open to hearing him say he missed me. Yes, I know how dumb that is. I'm just reporting, as accurately as I can, my mindset. There was still that hope, that I was loved, that my loyalty was recognized....
Anyways, he didn't ask for me back. He apologized and said his actions were inappropriate and thoughtless.
I said," Is the friendship working? Do we have to see less of each other?"
He said he was comfortable with how things were. I said fine, but we'll want to date other people. He said 'Granted'
So that's the agreement. I feel better that it's defined.
My eyes were watering the whole time like crazy.
Part of me hoped to hear something else from him, but mostly I'm relieved, because I don't know how we could have made it work. And I feel like I can date without guilt, although when it actually happens there might be some mixed emotions, all perfectly normal I'm sure.
So. There you go. If I'm making mistakes, maybe I just have to make them.
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