Nobody said life was fair....

A series of small events, which nevertheless, had emotional impact bigger than you would expect.

I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings.  (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)

I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door.  Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby.  I just pretended not to see him.  That's immature, but what can I say to him?

The good news is that volunteering is fun.  I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not.  I'm keeping busy!

I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food.  Ended up talking for three hours!  She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree.  Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later?  I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much.  I think it's okay.  We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool.  So, I made a new friend.  Another small achievement!

I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week.  I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities.  I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job.  It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig.  Not that I like those anyways....

And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city.  I know lots of people now.  That's gotta pay off sooner or later.

So that's the good.  Slow, slow progress.  No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.

I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads.  Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry.  I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon.  The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.

And then there's Walrus.

Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea.  I know that.  But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do.  I ask that you respect that.  Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...

He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward.  Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me.  He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal.   That's a long way from being in love with someone.  I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.

But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations.  He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep.  He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather.  But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat.  They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now.   However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.

Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this.  He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province.  But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.

His godson.  Brain damage.  Just like him.  You can see how that would sting.

Life is not fair.  It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.

I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.

Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time.  Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do.  You're doing fine."

And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.