Push Part Two

I was going to write all this in the last post but it turned out that conversation with Walrus was more emotional than I realized.  I don't know if you could read between the lines and see how much I'm angry at myself.

A brilliant Captain Awkward post today.  This is pretty much where I'm at.  Trying to grow up in a hurry because I found out everybody else already has.

I want to get my shit together so that I feel like someone worth dating.
I like to read these silly horoscopes (Free Will Astrology) because I feel like they have messages I need to hear.  Last week I was told to work harder than ever, and this week I was supposed to love my life now, and not the idealized future me I'm going to be.  The two pieces of advice don't have to conflict.  Enjoy the journey.

This month has been full of new experiences.  I seem to be good at finding free events in the city, and I've been really busy!  It feels like a life.  (It's just when I lie alone in bed at night that I fall apart.)

I saw the TEDtalk that said you should keep your goals to yourself if you want to reach them, but I want to write out what I'm working on and where I'm at.

HEALTH:
I am sick at the moment with a cough and don't know if my anemia is getting better.
However, I started a notebook to record what I eat, and if I have any pains or dizziness.

I am about as heavy as I have ever been, and I want to lose weight.  A few years ago I was about this size, and I read that women with PCOS should eat a low glycemic index diet.  I gave up white bread, corn and potatoes and the weight just dropped off.  I went down to a size 6.
I still follow the diet but not as strictly as I should.  I think the weight gain is because I'm not moving enough.  I just read that sitting all day is very bad for you and makes it very hard to lose weight, even if you exercise at night.  When I lost weight, I was teaching and I was moving around the classroom, then I worked in retail.

So I have been researching new recipes and trying them, including lots of vegetarian and vegan recipes.  I've never thought about food so much in my life.  I'm enjoying it.  Next I need to find a way to make my diet more environmentally friendly!

I'm trying to walk more, and just to stand more during the day.  Cleaning the house is good exercise!
I've got an idea to attach my laptop to a treadmill so I have to stand or walk if I want to goof around on Pinterest.  What will my mother say when I come home with a treadmill though?

CAREER:
No money coming in yet, although I have a big gig in February (and it's going to be a gong show-- someone else comes up with a crazy art project and I have to execute it....why not let the artist plan their own project?  This always happens to me!)

My party is coming up and I'm excited (and dreading) to hear what my friends have to say.  I've done some research and I know what kind of work I want to do.  I just don't know what steps to take next to get there.

ART:
I have so many project ideas, but I still need to get a daily art practice going.  Actually today my friend announced she was starting a class to work on exactly that- getting unstuck with your art and making it part of daily life.  I want to do the class (it's by donation) but I'm not sure I can fit another activity into my week.

LIFE:
I'm volunteering at two places right now, and I'm not sure I like either.  I'm trying to find a place that I fit, where I can be useful, and it's exhausting to try all these things that don't work.  I said I was going to try and fail and try again this year, and I guess I have to keep going.  I thought to myself today, every work place has its own culture, its own social norms- it's like a mini foreign country.  I've never worked in a workplace full-time for more than a few months- I usually work on my own, even in an organization- so I find office-culture really weird!
I'm getting off track- the point is I'm joining activities left and right and I won't have time for a job!
Like I said I'm keeping busy.  Could use less time with strangers, more time with old friends.  Too bad they all have babies..

CITIZENSHIP:
Well I did go to a protest, and I'm volunteering for two non-profits.  I'm going to do some leadership training and I'm really excited about that.
I'm still trying to work on reducing my own footprint and creating less garbage.  Got my bamboo toothbrush, my shampoo bar, my cloth feminine hygiene pads.

DATING:
Nothing's happening.
Today I got a OKC message from someone I'm pretty sure I used to work with.  It was one of the worst jobs I'd ever had, at a bad time in my life.  It was a place that collected misfits and losers.  I'm glad I got out.  Anyways, this guy was big, tall and heavy, always wore a bright yellow shirt.  You couldn't miss him.  He had long curly hair, a loud voice and a none-too-subtle sense of humour.  He talked about smoking pot all the time.
I guess he doesn't remember me.  Probably too stoned.
How discouraging!
I'm doing lots of new things, but I am not meeting men.  There's no prospects in sight.  I guess I'd better suck it up and try internet dating again....
I have a timeline in mind.  March.  For some reason I want to leave it alone until March.
I'm so exhausted right now from all the changes I'm trying to put in place.  I don't think I can handle anything else until I find a source of income.

OTHER:
I've been cleaning the house.  I want to buy Mom a dishwasher.
Still want to learn cob-building!