Still sick, still thinking...

Ah, the social isolation of being a mucous and germ factory...
Right now there is a talk on environmental issues happening and I was planning to go, but decided I'd better stay home.  I know Big Hands is there because his friends are posting photos of the event on facebook  Sigh.  There are a few events in the next few weeks I'll probably see him at, but sad to miss the talk and several other fun events this weekend.  I did drag myself to work today and coughed on all the little children.

Speaking of the evil facebook, I read an article about how facebook is altering your mind.  Ironically, a friend had posted it on facebook.  And for me the source is not totally a credible one, but the article did make me wake up and say, 'I am a facebook addict.'  I resisted joining the site for years, and then when I did, it went to my head.  As I write this, I stop every few minutes and switch to my facebook and email tabs.  I mean, that's ridiculous!  And that's how I use the computer nowadays.  If I'm working on some graphic design or writing up some documents for work, I've got four to five internet tabs open, which I check constantly.   I don't even realize I'm doing it.  It's my mind craving that little 'high' of a new message or an interesting bit o' Internet nonsense.  (Wow, what a great captioned photo of a llama!  LOLLOLLOL!)

I will try to make it through the rest of these thoughts without going to look at facebook.  Wow, my attention span is dwindling away to nothing.  And I pride myself on being a deep thinker and not easily bored.  I can't even imagine what it's like to be the younger generation...the toddlers who are allowed to play with iPads, the teens who live on their phones.

Getting rid of facebook is not an option for the summer, as it's the only way to communicate with the youth I work with for the camps.  And, I hear about great events on facebook (oh, and see photos of my friends at events I wasn't invited to.....)   But yeah, it's not actually fun any more.  It's easy to feel envious of what other people seem to be doing with their lives.  I hardly ever post anything anymore, but am constantly 'creeping' which is supposed to be the most negative experience of using the site.

I'm getting the itch to look at other sites now, but am resisting...

I know when I get feeling low I desperately turn to the internet for some sort of connection to something, and it feels really flat.  Just realized now I rarely use it to reach out and contact people...don't email my friends, don't respond to other people's facebook posts, just lurk and hope the world will reach out to me.
Wow.  Okay, what am I going to do with this knowledge?  How can I change my internet habits (and what does that mean for the blog?)

Because I'm not drawing much, and that's pretty weird.  I've been talking about it, I've tried off and on to get it going again, but I'm spending a lot of time (FUCK!  I just clicked on another tab as I stopped typing to think about the non-drawing thing, but stopped myself. I briefly saw an image of a lion, not sure what that was)
I'm spending a lot of time either being out of the house (which is a good thing, overall) or sitting at the computer, sometimes legitimately working or looking for events to get me out of the house, but mostly goofing around.  The first thing I do in the morning is turn on the laptop and check email.  Maybe I need to eat breakfast first, or meditate, or do yoga, or draw, or read, or anything but!

And drawing and making things was a big part of how I defined myself.  "Do more of what makes you awesome" used to mean making comics and masks and paintings and funny gifts for people.  But now I'm so into the environment and activism and I think I'm trying to define myself through that.  Which is fine, but I don't have to drop the creative stuff entirely.  (Although the artmaking took a nosedive when I went back to school and has been sporadic every since.)

In my favour, I am reading a lot more lately, and I have been able to realize when the internet is boring me and force myself to 'trade up' to a more useful or meaningful activity.

The aversion to internet dating makes a little more sense now.  But why am I blogging all this personal stuff?  It's so weird to me that I write a virginity blog.  Huh!

And I can hear my mom in the next room playing computer solitaire, so I'm not the only one with this problem.  I didn't mean to go so much into the Internet/computer addiction, but I guess it's been an unpleasant realization.  Life is too short for this.

I meant to record my thoughts on being more positive.  I would like to set myself the goal of seeing more good in people and showing more warmth instead of being reserved.
I just read about the Transition Town movement which if you're concerned about the environment, you might find helpful.  It's the best solution I've come across so far, the most hopeful.  Communities get together and figure out how their town could survive without oil, if if got very expensive or unavailable.  (Something Britain experienced during WWII)  It's very positive and proactive and actually sets out to be fun as well!  The book talked about moving away from oil as being like getting off an addiction, which at least helps me not be so angry at people who aren't aware of any need to change their lifestyle yet.  (Apologies if anyone feels uncomfortable with the addiciton metaphor being used in this way.  I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first.)

So if there's a positive way to deal with the really scary stuff, then I can be more positive about the little things too.  Ok, so I got another book called 'Brilliant Positive Psychology' which wasn't that good.  I've read a few books about finding meaning in life, and being happy, and I've blogged my thoughts on those.  So almost none of the material was new to me, and being told 'happy people live longer and have better relationships' doesn't really help me make the jump to being happy!

I nearly threw the book against the wall- the book said 50% of being happy was your personality, your base happiness level.  40% was the activities and attitudes you chose, and 10% was life circumstances (your job, commute etc.)  No way is that stuff only 10%!  If you spend 8-10 hours a day in a job you hate, you're not going to be happy.

Happy people are in relationships, basically is what the book said.  They're probably already happy people in general, that's what made them attractive, and then when you add in the benefits of having a partner who loves you, comforts you, etc etc.  And then in the chapter about exercising and taking care of your body, there was a section on sex and how good it was for you.

So much for that book... had the opposite effect of what was intended.  I'm missing a critical part of what it takes to be happy, for the average person.  Yeah, I knew that already!

I ran a hypothetical situation in my head:  If a magic genie gave you the choice of a boyfriend or my dream job, what would you take?
I know I should pick my own security and personal fulfillment and independence, but oh, I'd have a hard time turning down a boyfriend.  (Especially one who accepts me as I am right now!)
It feels like that's always hanging over my head.  It ruins self-confidence.  The unanswerable debate in my head, 'What's wrong with me?  If nothing's wrong, why am I so unlucky?' in endless circles.

And yet, it's only at night I face these questions.  I can still find things to be grateful for, and haven't given up yet.  They say when you focus on living your life to the fullest your way, that's when someone will turn up.
Ah, but I've been told that so many times, and actively looking for someone on the internet yielded more tangible results!
I don't know.  All I can do is keep exploring what makes me happy, and keep pushing myself to come out my shell and my pre-conceived notions of who I am, because it's changed before and it can change again.  And stay off bloody facebook!