I've got a hacking cough and haven't left the house in two days, so it's blogtime! I can tell you all about the daytime TV I've been watching...(Mel Brooks was married to Anne Bancroft? Did not know that.)
The community project I'm working on is somewhat stalled. It's taken a month to get my partner to approve my poster design. She was supposed to post in some community groups online and 'got writer's block writing the ad'. Now her dog has died, so I feel bad nagging her.
Last week we were supposed to meet with someone from another organization, who forgot about the meeting. My partner was half an hour late. I sat there by myself. I'd traveled an hour to be there. That meeting didn't really happen, so instead I went to the thrift store and found this quirky navy blue 50s-style shirtdress with a bicycle print. I love it. I had the feeling it's sorta who I want to be. It's not bright or flashy, but if you look twice, there's personality.
I have all these complicated ideas about feminism, consumerism, vanity, money, practicality....Anyways, it all boils down to me having lots of thrift store clothes, but not really allowing myself to have fun with fashion. I think designer clothes are silly and overpriced, I don't want shopping to be a hobby, but I don't think it's wrong to wear pretty clothes that make you happy. There's a way to be in balance.
I didn't get that job with the awkward last minute interview. Add it to the pile of rejections. Been thinking a lot lately about how to make a good impression quickly. I'm either withdrawn, or I come on too strong. I have no grace. What about me is attractive to an employer, or a potential boyfriend? I don't know. I either think I'm awesome or I hate myself. I've been reading about serious social problems every free minute. What do I do for fun? What do I look forward to? I'm like a cake that didn't rise. I have no lightness about me. Which is weird, because I teach kids and I'm totally goofy with them.
Why don't I have a group of friends, a job, a boyfriend? What is holding me back?
Sigh. I think too much.
Just overwhelmed. Taking on more than my share with the community project. Wondering about where I'll work after the summer. Trying to get the house clean. Trying to learn to be more positive. Trying to figure out who I am and what I like about myself and how to show that to the world.
I've been thinking about online dating...wondering if I'm ready to do it again. It wasn't a long break. In some ways I feel good that that is not something I'm actively working on right now. But then again, there was always the slightest chance that when I opened my inbox, there'd be a message. And that little window of hope is shut at the moment. I would really really really like to meet a real person in real life but I don't know how that works. At least with online dating everyone's intentions were reasonably clear.
I seem to have set myself these targets but haven't formally acknowledged that I'm waiting until I either a.) lose weight b.) move out c.) get some kind of steady job or d.) at least get the house somewhat presentable.
Any one of those, and I can reactivate the ol' profile. Uh, all of those are scary and I have no concrete plan to reach any of those.
Goals for summer: Be a great camp counselor to those kids. Clean the house. Draw. Exercise. Try and have some fun. See what happens.
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