The weekly whatever

At choir we recorded us singing songs for a member's new baby.  It was cute for a while, and then I was getting really tired of singing for other people's babies.  Good thing Instafriend felt the same way and we snuck out a bit early.

I hate that I'm this negative about this.  But it seems like there's a lot of babies in my life lately.  My siblings' offspring are here two or three days a week for babysitting.  My brother has a third coming and has to buy an SUV to fit all the carseats. My social life consists of visiting my stay-at-home-mom-friends and cooing at their babies.  I've got two of those visits next week, and one I've been putting off.  Oh, I like babies well enough and I know it's not easy being a new mom and having nothing to talk about except your baby...

Sigh.  I'm meeting new people and keeping busy, but I still spend a lot of time at home alone.  I'm longing for one-on-one time with an old friend.  I'm longing to tell somebody what's really going on with me, and not be interrupted by a crying toddler or a boyfriend coming in to tickle my friend during our phone conversations (so rude!)  Everyone else has partners and families and jobs, and I'm the only one still lost and searching.

I thought I've been reasonably happy lately, but I know that need for deep conversation isn't being met.
And lately, I've been really angry.   I have to admit that to myself.
Bad drivers. People using disposable coffee cups or idling their cars.  Even incorrect grammar annoys me.
Am I really that smart and irreproachable that I get to judge everyone?  I think this is a common problem with environmentalists, or anyone with a cause.  How can I care so much and them so little?  I'm making sacrifices and other people aren't.  If they don't make these little easy changes, how can we make the big changes needed?

And the environmental crisis is a big ugly thing for anyone to have to deal with, but I don't think all of this anger comes from that.  I think I'm frustrated with myself and where I'm at.

In my volunteer management class, we had to play a game where we wrote down the names of the classmates we talked to.  It was week four and there was 14 people there.  We have name cards at our spot where we sit, so I knew or could guess at everybody's name.  But nobody knew my name!  And there are two Eleanors in the class, and nobody had realized that except for me and the other Eleanor.  And nobody could spell 'Eleanor', even though our name cards have been clearly visible week after week.  I'm so visual, I remember what people were wearing each week, so it's weird to me that people haven't read and absorbed basic information like that.

Then we played a memory game that I scored almost perfect on, but other people really struggled with it.
And they left their coffee cups and garbage everywhere after class!

I'm not trying to brag or claim that I'm a genius or anything, but where can I talk about this other than here?  I have a good memory, I'm reasonably clever and decent so why are all these people employed and I am not?
And it's incredibly frustrating.  Do I have some fatal flaw I'm unaware of?  Can somebody just tell me what I'm doing wrong?

I don't want to be caustic.  I don't want to be critical.  I don't want to be impatient with people.  I just want a chance to use my skills.

Tomorrow I'll find out the results of the last job interview I did.  I'm not holding my breath.

I want so much to be amazing, but I might need to crawl before I can walk.  How can I start my own enterprise when I've never worked full time for more than a few months, never paid rent.

And I'm sick again, or still.  Lungs clogged in the morning, and bladder trouble.  How am I going to camp all summer if I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee?

And why is my stomach so big when it feels like I'm losing weight everywhere else?

And we're way behind on the community project and it's one group member's fault.  And I'm doing a little painting for a friend of a friend of a friend and she's the client from hell!  I'm only charging her $80 and she thinks that's a lot.  Not for 3-4 hours skilled labour, plus materials, plus administration time!  She emails me constantly.  She wants luxury service for bargain basement prices.
Frustrating people.

Anyways, I have a headache tonight and I'm grumpy.  None of this is life-threatening.  Just need a rant.
What do I do with this all this anger?