A small victory

So much can happen in a day and a half.  Nerdboy came over to my new place after I wrote the last post. We goofed around on my bed and I'm sure the neighbours heard us.  Then back to his house.  He made dinner.  I worry so much about contributing to the relationship if he hosts, cooks, drives and takes the lead in sexy stuff.  I honestly was convinced he'd tire of me.
Later that night there was a look in his sex toy box and I got a bit quiet and overwhelmed.  Butt plugs!  And who has used these things?  But mostly I didn't want to just pick one and start using it, I need a looooooong build-up before anything like that can be attempted.  So I tried to explain what I like, which was a lot of stammering, but I will record them here for others who might be struggling with vaginismus as well.
I told him anticipation is a huge factor, and that kissing mouth, neck and boobs all help before going for 'down there'.  He tends to stay doing one thing for a long time, and I think I like it to switch up more, start something I like and then break and come back to it.  I said I've spent so long imagining what it will be like to be underneath somebody that I really feel a thrill when he puts his body over mine.  I asked if he would leave my panties on and push against me.  Basically we're finding that mimicking sex with some kind of rhythmic pushing, there are several variations on what's touching what while this happens, is the best thing for both of us.
This morning we didn't try anything, I was a bit tender and we were hungry!  I went through his music library while he cooked and hooray, there's stuff in common.  And we went on an adventure of chores throughout the city, which included getting me fancy running shoes because I've promised to jog with him (see how much I like him?) and going to a sex shop.  We were looking for a toy with a diameter  in between the one I have and the one he has.  But there wasn't a lot of selection and we briefly described the problem to the clerk and I got shy.  Surprisingly, Nerdboy, as shy and awkward as he is, was chatty with all the service people and clerks we had to deal with throughout the day.  Huh!  Anyways, we picked an unusual one with three blobby shapes in a row, so that we had different sizes to pick from.
Nerdboy is very no-nonsense when on a mission, and he definitely draws boundaries about how much he's willing to do for me, whether it's lending me stuff or talking to clerks about shoes.
He keeps casually talking about children though!  "Oh that could be us" after we walked by a couple with a sleeping baby.  "Oh if we had a teenager I'd tell him his mother waited until she was thirty"  or "Why did you put on this song?  Don't you know it's baby-making music?"
I don't know if he's trying to get me to talk him out of the vasectomy or it's just something he needs to share about imagining a long-term future with me.  Anyways, it's making me upset.  I know part of me does want a baby.
We're definitely already talking about living together six months to a year from now!  He said, "yeah I know it's early but this is going so well."
We slept in this morning and I dozily told him we needed a time machine so he could seduce a younger me so we wouldn't have the sex problems.  (I'm convinced that waiting so long has caused anxiety and repression and my brain hasn't used the pathways for pleasure enough.)  He thought it would be better if a younger him met a younger me, which was an interesting discussion about where and who we both were at that time.

Anyways, this is jumping around a bit.  I still have to admit to myself that the "llllllllllllllllloooooove" word is starting to be on the tip of my tongue, and that talking about children and living together and marriage is so surreal and overwhelming and thrilling.  Someone wants to do that with me!  I never ever thought it was a possibility.
He said, "You keep talking about how asexual a person you were, but I don't think it was me that lit that wonderful spark inside you."

And this evening we planned to each go to our respective houses to get some chores done, and instead we watched a movie and I just felt so full of gratitude for him in my life that I hugged him tight and kissed him over and over and well....things happened.  We tried the 'push your penis against my panties' thing and that worked so well I pulled the ...gusset I think is the word... to the side and he actually got the tip in a little and it wasn't exactly comfortable but it wasn't bad and I didn't want him to stop but he got the new toy instead and that worked well.
And then I attempted to do oral sex on him and he said I did fine, I just need to keep doing it longer and build up speed.  Blush!
and we are laughing a lot together and it's really quite amazing.