Sex and Doubts

So I've been feeling really overwhelmed by everything that has happened this summer.  I don't feel at home anywhere, I'm not sure of who I am sometimes...

I think good things are happening, but I'm feeling like a newbie at so many things that I'm having a hard time keeping my sh*t together.

Newly moved out, newly in a relationship, new at sex, new at being vegetarian, new at jogging, new at cycling, new at being tidy and organized (failing at this...I have stuff at three different houses right now) and still looking for a way to earn an income.  New at being a grown-up, in short.

Ok, first the sexy stuff, because this is/was a virginity blog.

Nerdboy made me dinner and cake for my birthday.  I slept over.  We had penetrative sex, it's getting easier and once he was in all the way it stopped being uncomfortable.  He was able to go um...pretty hard and he...came inside of me (in a condom) which was a first.  Afterwards we held each other for a long time and talked.  Errr.... I think we're engaged!  This was because I joked early on in the relationship that if we got sex to work I'd probably propose. So then after our lovemaking (...never thought that word would apply to me!) I said, 'What colour bridesmaid dresses do you want?'  And he's agreed to marry me...this is all just pretend, right?  Because when he said he'd marry me I suddenly got very terrified and he said, 'You're shaking!'  (We did talk about how it's scary to fall in love.)   The whole evening was lovely and he got a thousand Boyfriend Points.

On the weekend I had some art installed at a festival and he helped me fix some technical issues on a piece, then helped me transport and install everything, stayed for the whole event and then helped me take down everything at night and drove it all back to my place.  Sounds like an amazing boyfriend, except he was so grumpy for parts of it that I was seriously stressing out.  I was trying to decide where to put each piece, he said I was indecisive.  It was difficult to find out who was in charge and when I hesitated to ask when I needed help from the organizers, he said I was scared of everything.  I've done this event twice without him, but if my confidence starts to dip, I fall apart.  I tried to suggest he could leave and come back, he could nap in the car, then I got snapped at for 'fussing' over him.  "I'm not Walrus", he said, "I'm fine and stop worrying about me."

Partly he was just tired and hungry.  But when our work was done and we went to see all the installations, the crowds stressed him out, he grumbled at people using flash photography or when he was bumped into....he kept suggesting improvements for everything he saw....  I just wanted him to 'be in the moment' (I dislike this phrase)  and just see the beauty of the evening.  Later though, when people were commenting on my art, I think he was proud of me and enjoyed talking about being the artist's boyfriend.

He's all fired up about how to use technology for the type of sculptures I make.  I love that they're low tech, although I've experimented with using fancy gadgets, I keep going back to the simpler materials.
So I'm torn.  I'm open to new ideas, it would be fun to collaborate with someone if we find we work well together, and he's good with tools and making stuff, but on the other hand, this is my art and there's a certain point where I'll be protective of that.  New territory there- the boyfriend who wants to be involved in my art.  Huh.

Wait, wait, I'm supposed to talk about the sexy times.  So after all that, we went back to his house and had some Bailey's and doughnuts and watched TV and he was all lovely again.  And there was more sex, because now that it's working, we do that a lot.  And it was even easier this time, and we tried me going on top, and that was great because I could control it.  I couldn't believe it didn't hurt, that it was working, it was even somewhat pleasurable.  And then I started crying and my tears fell in his eyes.  So that was awkward, but at least it made us laugh and I was getting braver in my movements.  He said, 'uh, I'm going to come' and he wasn't wearing a condom and he said, 'you take birth control, but it's your body' and I said 'I want to feel that' and I let him come inside me and as he did I started breathing very heavily and getting very excited and then after I felt suddenly tired and yet emotional.  "What happened there?" he said.  "Did you orgasm?"
I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I think maybe I did.  We orgasmed together for my first one.

I can't even explain how much grinning, crying, 'I can't believe this is real' and spontaneous bear hugs happened that evening.

In the middle of the night I regretted not making him wear a condom.  As far as I understand, I am not very fertile due to my PCOS, and I'm on birth control, but there is that 0.1% chance that pregnancy is possible.  I will not allow that again.   (Yeah, in the one week left before his vasectomy)

The other thing I wonder about-  I get really excited by his orgasm, and even though he does sexy things to me for hours with his hands and mouth, all I really want is penetration or him finishing.  The other stuff doesn't really excite me, sometimes it feels like I'm numb it does so little for me.
Maybe I spent so many years wondering about sex, masturbating almost in desperation, that my sex life will be forever coloured by that.

Nerdboy has asked me a bit about my sexual experience, and right before the session with the (possible) orgasm, he asked me why I thought he'd reject me the night I told him about my vaginismus.  I couldn't even answer, my eyes filled with tears.  I'm trying to explain to him what I'm going through.  All he knows is that I cry a lot even though I'm happy.  I feel like I'm being forced to face the pain and shame of all those years of being the secret adult virgin.  I don't know how I got through them, I must have ignored and repressed so much of it. Seriously, it's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I am.
Sorry to readers who are still waiting to lose the 'virgin' label.  I know I don't sound very positive, but everything hasn't been magically fixed and it wasn't worth the wait.
I'm really happy, it's a wild adventure, I feel like I've been unlocked, but I will always regret the years I spent without love.
On the positive side, better late than never, and it wasn't too late for me.

~~~~~
Doubts.
He doesn't care about the environment like I do, he's pro-technology and I'm a Luddite, he's probably not as intellectual as I aspire to be, he has a past, he's a little bit OCD and stuck in his ways, he likes internet cat memes and bad dance music...

I expected someone more in line with my values, and yet we have a good time together.  He's been wonderful and patient and he's crazy about me.

And yet.  Sometimes he speaks a bit bluntly to me, and I take it too hard.  Is this just how men communicate, with directness, and I'm being too sensitive?  I say nothing and sulk.  Or should I say, 'Wow, hon.  That was ruder than necessary' ?

I guess the initial romantic haze wears off sometimes, and you find out if you can love someone warts and all.