If you read this blog for just the dating stuff, I'm still as celibate as ever. This post is about the rest of my life, 'cause I need to think.
I'm actually in a fairly good mood, and wanting to Take Action and Start Lots of Projects! Who knows when I'll crash again so I might as well use this energy and get something done. Getting stuff done has the nice effect of keeping the mood up, because I feel capable and efficient!
My sister advised me to just get a job, any job. It's almost Christmas and there will be seasonal work in retail. Ugh! I hate consumerism, commercialism and plastic bags, but perhaps I can find something I can stand for 3 months. I've also put in a few applications for jobs in my field, so just gotta keep looking while I wait to hear back.
Meanwhile, I need to find out what skills/experience I'm missing and try and get that through volunteering or training. There's some online courses I want to take, and I really need to start researching what's it's going to take to get a Master's degree in something like Art Education or Culture and Heritage.
Mean-meanwhile, there's so much to do I don't have time for a job! I have previously shared my Joe's Goals page, where I keep track of what I've done every day and score myself. On an ideal day, I'd walk my dog, and do yoga, eat healthy mostly-vegetarian meals prepared at home, clean the house, make art, drink water, floss, read, and leave the house at least once and walking the dog doesn't really count. That all takes at least 6 hours! The problem is that making art is supposed to be my job, that I should be putting in several hours of drawing and creating a day if I want to be any good.
I'm not drawing at all. I haven't drawn in months. I keep putting it off. I should be doing it right now! Once I start doing it I'll be fine. There's this fear every time you look at a blank piece of paper. I know I always have to face it and just start doing stuff, making marks, being ok with failing, and next thing you know, you're drawing. Sorry for changing tenses mid-sentence. It's Friday and the grammar police are off-duty.
I have several projects on the horizon, so I think I've cleared enough practical stuff out of the way to just sit down and create. I feel like I've been making process in other areas; I've been out there meeting new people and taking in the arts scene, and now I need to be alone and quiet to process everything I've learned and seen for a while. Hence all the books. But I can't just take ideas in- I need to start getting stuff out of me too. Just draw! Feel free to nag me next week in the comments!
In the 'Quiet' book reviewed in the last post, the author mentioned that the book was mostly written in cafes. She tried to work at home but it was too quiet or too easy to get distracted. In a cafe, there's a low level of background noise and stimulation that seemed to be about right for her, plus she could see other people working on their laptops. So I might try that. Drawing outings. Can't bring all my paints and inks unfortunately, but could still get some ideas down on paper. Plus you never know what you'll see or hear or who you meet just being out in the world. Still enjoying reading 'Quiet', by the way.
Sometimes I do a 'No Computer for a Week' challenge and I try not to watch TV or use the computer for said week. (I usually have to check email a few times though) I even like to play vinyl records instead of my iPod to really get in the spirit!
I'm in one of those moods where I want to make 5 year plans for my life and set goals! I do this periodically, and am really bad at following through...
Hmm. I was going to write this whole big thing about activism and me figuring out if I want to be a radical or not! I found this leadership program that trains people in how to make a difference. It's a six month program and I've just missed the start date so I'll have to wait until next year. I think I want to do it, but more about that later. Like I said, it's Friday night. So lazy.
Other tidbits.
Our old cat died this week. He was actually my brother-in-law's cat, but we adopted the cat when Bro-in-law and my sis moved into their condo. So Cat wasn't with us that long, but he was a nice old cat. Death is very weird. One day fine, the next day gone. I didn't cry, just had some reflection time.
Walrus' mom got hit by a car. She's fine! No broken bones, no concussion, but she's very sore and taking the week off work. I have been meaning to visit her, but can't bring myself to do it. (Been using a mild cold as an excuse.) They truly are the unluckiest family.
I see Walrus at choir and maybe once a week outside of that, due to some extra choir events or us actually making plans together. I think it's ok. Wondering if we need to 'talk' about us being just friends... He called me 'dear' once more. I'm just ignoring it.
Friday, 19 October 2012
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Book Review Times Two: "The Social Animal" and "Quiet"
I think book titles should probably be underlined, not in quotation marks, but on the internet that means hyperlink so I don't know what to do.
I realized I am desperate to talk about books with someone. Sad face.
I am reading all these books, I have stacks of books everywhere, in some kind of desperate attempt to learn how the world works and to find my place in it. I want answers. I read books that are vaguely self-helpy or about human psychology, and I read a lot of books about politics, the environment and saving the world. I have lots of new ideas that I want to discuss with someone to see if they're any good. Some ideas are political- I used to talk to my brother about this stuff but now he has two babies, so he's unavailable. Some ideas are personal and I talk about them here, to myself and to the great anonymous Internet.
Review #1 The Social Animal, by David Brooks
I have been meaning to write about this book for a while, but now I've returned the book to the library and won't be able to go into as much detail as I wanted to. Brooks is a writer for the New York Times (and a few other highbrow publications.) He undertook this massive project of looking at all the latest research in neuroscience and psychology and applying it to every part of human life- our experiences at school, work, and relationships to the bigger picture stuff of politics and culture. It's an attempt to understand the unconscious mind and how the way the human mind works shapes human life.
He does this by making up a fictional couple, Harold and Erica, following them through their lives, so the book reads like a bad novel mashed up with a psychology text book. At first I thought their story was a great frame for all the research but after a while I grew tired of it. It makes the reading choppy.
The human brain is so cool though! Every few pages I found something to think about.
The two things that stood out for me:
One of the early chapters has Harold's parents meeting and falling in love, and the stuff that goes on in our brains when that happens. If you find the book in the bookstore, maybe find that chapter and read it (until the store owner starts to frown at you!)
Brains change when they interact with other brains. That means who I am is not a finished product that I broadcast to you when we talk- who I am is CREATED by my responses to your brain, and vice versa. It's not just brains in love, it's every interaction with other people, but imagine two brains spending a lifetime together becoming more and more alike.
The second thing was the overlying theme of the whole book. The rational, conscious brain is only a tiny part of how we operative. The conscious brain is level 2, and it rests on a foundation of the unconscious brain and our emotions. The world is so complicated, we are getting so much sensory input, that the unconscious has all these processes to sort information for us, to make split second decisions. It's necessary so we don't go crazy, but occasionally the unconscious brain does weird things. If people are shown five pairs of nylon panty-hose in a row on a counter and are told to pick the highest quality pair, they always pick the one on the far right, even though they're all identical. If people are given a mug they are told is worth $5, and then the researcher offers to buy it back for $7, they usually choose to keep the mug. And the book has example after example like that (mostly from research on how people buy things- don't believe for a second you've made a rational decision when shopping!)
At the end the author notes that people aren't all that rational, and they are TERRIBLE at predicting what decisions will make them happy. Will you be happy with this purchase, this job, this partner a year from now? You simply have no idea, so just trust your gut and dive in.
Review #2 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
I've only started reading this one. I am a classic introvert who prefers small groups and deep conversations. The book tells me what I want to hear. Extroverts rush into things! Everyone thinks Extroverts are smart for doing all the talking at meetings, but that doesn't mean they are! Extroverts live in the moment and can't reflect!
It feels good to bash extroverts, because they're usually the ones getting all the glory, but the premise of the book is that both (all) types of people have something to contribute.
Cain explains her theory about why introverts get the short end of the stick. When everybody lived on farms, it didn't really matter whether you were an introvert or extrovert. It mattered if you could get your crops to grow and it mattered whether you had good character. That changed when people moved to the cities to work in business. Suddenly you had to be a good salesman, good at selling yourself. 'How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a best seller. Self-help books talked about being charming, being magnetic, being a personality rather than being honest and ethical and hard-working.
So that got me all fired up. Society doesn't value me! It doesn't value good character! It doesn't value deep thinking!
When I was in school I had to take a 'leadership' class. We went on an outdoor survival trip- a three day hike in small groups. In that situation, physical fitness became a sign of leadership. I was the slowest person, so I wasn't respected. But, I was a Girl Guide for 10 years! I know how to camp. I can tie knots and pick the best spot for the tent. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me. One young man was a 'natural leader' and he did take charge, but he didn't always have good ideas and he didn't look for the talents of other people in the group, but all the others were happy to follow him. Happy to sleep in a soggy tent too, I suppose. It was such a miserable experience. I should have quit school right then, instead of doing two more years with those people. It was like high school all over again.
I can see why oratory skills are admired, and confidence, and being fun at parties but I am a damn smart cookie and can be a leader too,quietly. I hope the book helps me find out how to do things my way.
I realized I am desperate to talk about books with someone. Sad face.
I am reading all these books, I have stacks of books everywhere, in some kind of desperate attempt to learn how the world works and to find my place in it. I want answers. I read books that are vaguely self-helpy or about human psychology, and I read a lot of books about politics, the environment and saving the world. I have lots of new ideas that I want to discuss with someone to see if they're any good. Some ideas are political- I used to talk to my brother about this stuff but now he has two babies, so he's unavailable. Some ideas are personal and I talk about them here, to myself and to the great anonymous Internet.
Review #1 The Social Animal, by David Brooks
I have been meaning to write about this book for a while, but now I've returned the book to the library and won't be able to go into as much detail as I wanted to. Brooks is a writer for the New York Times (and a few other highbrow publications.) He undertook this massive project of looking at all the latest research in neuroscience and psychology and applying it to every part of human life- our experiences at school, work, and relationships to the bigger picture stuff of politics and culture. It's an attempt to understand the unconscious mind and how the way the human mind works shapes human life.
He does this by making up a fictional couple, Harold and Erica, following them through their lives, so the book reads like a bad novel mashed up with a psychology text book. At first I thought their story was a great frame for all the research but after a while I grew tired of it. It makes the reading choppy.
The human brain is so cool though! Every few pages I found something to think about.
The two things that stood out for me:
One of the early chapters has Harold's parents meeting and falling in love, and the stuff that goes on in our brains when that happens. If you find the book in the bookstore, maybe find that chapter and read it (until the store owner starts to frown at you!)
Brains change when they interact with other brains. That means who I am is not a finished product that I broadcast to you when we talk- who I am is CREATED by my responses to your brain, and vice versa. It's not just brains in love, it's every interaction with other people, but imagine two brains spending a lifetime together becoming more and more alike.
The second thing was the overlying theme of the whole book. The rational, conscious brain is only a tiny part of how we operative. The conscious brain is level 2, and it rests on a foundation of the unconscious brain and our emotions. The world is so complicated, we are getting so much sensory input, that the unconscious has all these processes to sort information for us, to make split second decisions. It's necessary so we don't go crazy, but occasionally the unconscious brain does weird things. If people are shown five pairs of nylon panty-hose in a row on a counter and are told to pick the highest quality pair, they always pick the one on the far right, even though they're all identical. If people are given a mug they are told is worth $5, and then the researcher offers to buy it back for $7, they usually choose to keep the mug. And the book has example after example like that (mostly from research on how people buy things- don't believe for a second you've made a rational decision when shopping!)
At the end the author notes that people aren't all that rational, and they are TERRIBLE at predicting what decisions will make them happy. Will you be happy with this purchase, this job, this partner a year from now? You simply have no idea, so just trust your gut and dive in.
Review #2 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
I've only started reading this one. I am a classic introvert who prefers small groups and deep conversations. The book tells me what I want to hear. Extroverts rush into things! Everyone thinks Extroverts are smart for doing all the talking at meetings, but that doesn't mean they are! Extroverts live in the moment and can't reflect!
It feels good to bash extroverts, because they're usually the ones getting all the glory, but the premise of the book is that both (all) types of people have something to contribute.
Cain explains her theory about why introverts get the short end of the stick. When everybody lived on farms, it didn't really matter whether you were an introvert or extrovert. It mattered if you could get your crops to grow and it mattered whether you had good character. That changed when people moved to the cities to work in business. Suddenly you had to be a good salesman, good at selling yourself. 'How to Win Friends and Influence People" was a best seller. Self-help books talked about being charming, being magnetic, being a personality rather than being honest and ethical and hard-working.
So that got me all fired up. Society doesn't value me! It doesn't value good character! It doesn't value deep thinking!
When I was in school I had to take a 'leadership' class. We went on an outdoor survival trip- a three day hike in small groups. In that situation, physical fitness became a sign of leadership. I was the slowest person, so I wasn't respected. But, I was a Girl Guide for 10 years! I know how to camp. I can tie knots and pick the best spot for the tent. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me. One young man was a 'natural leader' and he did take charge, but he didn't always have good ideas and he didn't look for the talents of other people in the group, but all the others were happy to follow him. Happy to sleep in a soggy tent too, I suppose. It was such a miserable experience. I should have quit school right then, instead of doing two more years with those people. It was like high school all over again.
I can see why oratory skills are admired, and confidence, and being fun at parties but I am a damn smart cookie and can be a leader too,quietly. I hope the book helps me find out how to do things my way.
Saturday, 13 October 2012
Quote of the Day
I found this weird little book in the library. "The Chairs are Where the People Go" by Misha Glouberman and Sheila Heti. It was in the career section with all the 'What Colour is your Parachute' type books. It doesn't belong there. Basically the writer (Sheila) knew an interesting guy (Misha) who knew about a lot of weird stuff so she got him talking and she typed. The book covers 72 topics, everything from theatre improv to spam to making friends.
Would make a good blog! Maybe I'll branch out and offer Eleanorisms on every topic that interests me!
Anyways, here's the quote, and it is about love.
"I had certain ideas about what kind of person my girlfriend might be....I think the way I'd always thought this sort of thing worked was that you had some sort of imaginary person in your head and then you'd meet someone who was pretty close to that imaginary person, but it turns out that what worked for me was meeting a person who didn't correspond to anything in my head at all but was something new that came from the world."
-Misha Glouberman
Would make a good blog! Maybe I'll branch out and offer Eleanorisms on every topic that interests me!
Anyways, here's the quote, and it is about love.
"I had certain ideas about what kind of person my girlfriend might be....I think the way I'd always thought this sort of thing worked was that you had some sort of imaginary person in your head and then you'd meet someone who was pretty close to that imaginary person, but it turns out that what worked for me was meeting a person who didn't correspond to anything in my head at all but was something new that came from the world."
-Misha Glouberman
Mini-updates, very minor
I got my pixie cut finally. I had a hard time explaining to the stylist that I won't use a blow-dryer, flat-iron or any product that comes in plastic bottles in my hair. I'm sure he thought I was crazy. It's a good cut though.
I think I am getting sick again. Sigh.
Hopes raised and then disappointed in the job search. I applied to do another volunteer thing for yet another festival and right away they called me an offered me a paid position as Volunteer Coordinator. Turns out my 'boss' from the internship I did in September took the job and then left after two days. So of course I called her and it turned out they were so disorganized she quit. I think I will have to turn this one down....
I see Walrus quite a bit and we text frequently. It mostly feels fine. I noticed we still are fairly comfortable with touching each other (in not sexual ways) and sharing food. I still fuss about him. There is a tiny bit of emotion that can surface at odd moments. When he gave me my birthday present (a hat) I hugged him and I think both of us out of habit moved for a quick kiss and then stopped ourselves. I sometimes wonder what we get out of the friendship. Maybe it will fade away as he builds his new life. Am I still trying to rescue him? I think yes, to some degree.
My internet has been cutting in and out for a week. Makes me realize how much of my life I spend on it. And instead of finding something better to do, I spend twice as long trying to load pages...
I think I have to do a part two to 'Self Image' but not tonight.
I think I am getting sick again. Sigh.
Hopes raised and then disappointed in the job search. I applied to do another volunteer thing for yet another festival and right away they called me an offered me a paid position as Volunteer Coordinator. Turns out my 'boss' from the internship I did in September took the job and then left after two days. So of course I called her and it turned out they were so disorganized she quit. I think I will have to turn this one down....
I see Walrus quite a bit and we text frequently. It mostly feels fine. I noticed we still are fairly comfortable with touching each other (in not sexual ways) and sharing food. I still fuss about him. There is a tiny bit of emotion that can surface at odd moments. When he gave me my birthday present (a hat) I hugged him and I think both of us out of habit moved for a quick kiss and then stopped ourselves. I sometimes wonder what we get out of the friendship. Maybe it will fade away as he builds his new life. Am I still trying to rescue him? I think yes, to some degree.
My internet has been cutting in and out for a week. Makes me realize how much of my life I spend on it. And instead of finding something better to do, I spend twice as long trying to load pages...
I think I have to do a part two to 'Self Image' but not tonight.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Self image
I'm keeping busy and I have a feeling that if I stop moving I'll have to face the possibility that I don't like myself.
I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.
It starts with negative feelings about my body. It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc. I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed. For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off. Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle. I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.
There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.
Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13. He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over. I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me. Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should. I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.
I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating. Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now. It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.
I can only think of terrible metaphors to describe the feeling- like being followed by something shadowy.
I don't know if it's going to catch up with me or if I've actually learned the skills (from therapy after being depressed) to keep these negative thoughts at bay.
It starts with negative feelings about my body. It seems like I've always got a health complaint- the constant coughing, tiredness, back aches, upset stomachs, etc. I have PCOS and that comes with its own set of things that have to be managed. For a while I kept to a very strict diet and the weight just melted off. Now it's back, and oh joy!, it sticks right around my middle. I hate that women are expected to be a certain body shape in our society, and I think it's so boring to worry about my weight, but lately it's always on my mind.
There's this digital side to life now- the only way you readers experience 'Eleanor' is words on a screen, but I certainly learned watching Walrus struggle with his paralyzed body how much we take our physical selves for granted.
Walrus has terrible psoriasis that started when he was 13. He doesn't like to show his arms or legs because of it, and his ears are often scabbed over. I wonder how much Walrus' psoriasis affected who he is as a person, and how much PCOS has affected me. Maybe I was slow to grow up because my body wasn't acting like a woman's body should. I didn't get help for years because I was embarrassed to talk about it.
In short, I don't feel attractive right now and that's a major roadblock if I want to try dating again.
I'm also not getting anywhere with the job search, or moving out.
And I'm sorta telling myself to concentrate on my health and getting a job, even cleaning the house and then think about dating. Like, if I get a part-time job I can allow myself to put up some new pictures on OKC and write to some guys....that's the way I'm negotiating with myself right now. It sorta makes sense and it sorta doesn't.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Nobody said life was fair....
A series of small events, which nevertheless, had emotional impact bigger than you would expect.
I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings. (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)
I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door. Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby. I just pretended not to see him. That's immature, but what can I say to him?
The good news is that volunteering is fun. I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not. I'm keeping busy!
I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food. Ended up talking for three hours! She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree. Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later? I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much. I think it's okay. We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool. So, I made a new friend. Another small achievement!
I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week. I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities. I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job. It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig. Not that I like those anyways....
And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city. I know lots of people now. That's gotta pay off sooner or later.
So that's the good. Slow, slow progress. No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.
I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads. Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry. I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.
And then there's Walrus.
Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea. I know that. But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do. I ask that you respect that. Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...
He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward. Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me. He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal. That's a long way from being in love with someone. I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.
But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations. He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep. He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather. But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now. However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.
Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this. He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province. But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.
His godson. Brain damage. Just like him. You can see how that would sting.
Life is not fair. It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.
I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.
Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time. Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do. You're doing fine."
And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.
I apologize for blogging the minutiae of my life, but I'm in a mood where these little interactions with people seem fraught with deeper meanings. (I'm not sure if 'fraught' and 'meaning' go together, but what the heck.)
I saw E twice at festival events this week, while I was volunteering taking tickets at the door. Both times he didn't go in my door, but hesitated nearby. I just pretended not to see him. That's immature, but what can I say to him?
The good news is that volunteering is fun. I talk to other volunteers when I'm working, and I go to events (for free!) with friends when I'm not. I'm keeping busy!
I took a woman from choir to an event, and afterwards we went to get some food. Ended up talking for three hours! She shared some personal stuff, and I did too, to a lesser degree. Have you ever just found yourself just spilling your guts to someone and regretted it later? I did find myself worrying a little afterwards if I'd said too much. I think it's okay. We were just sorta 'insta-friends' and that might have been more her idea than mine, but I think she's cool. So, I made a new friend. Another small achievement!
I'm going to volunteer with an arts education organization next, just one afternoon a week, starting next week. I really think they're a good fit for me, so I hope it leads to other opportunities. I'm a bit worried about committing to this when I don't have a job. It means I can't do a regular 9-5 gig. Not that I like those anyways....
And I realized this week that all these volunteering things I do have given me a pretty good idea of the arts scene in my city. I know lots of people now. That's gotta pay off sooner or later.
So that's the good. Slow, slow progress. No results yet, but every day, a better understanding of myself and what I can do and the resources I have available to me.
I should be feeling pretty good, but sometimes I still get attacks of the sads. Obviously, not having an income is a huge worry. I get envious when I see my siblings with their families .... I want to know which way I'm headed in life, and soon. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.
And then there's Walrus.
Dear readers, I know getting back together with him is not a good idea. I know that. But I want to be friends with him and that's what I've chosen to do. I ask that you respect that. Even though what I say next is going to sound contradictory...
He was withdrawn when I saw him at choir this week, and it felt awkward. Also he was smoking when I first saw him, and that always annoys me. He felt like a stranger and excuse the crassness of this, but I tried to imagine that um...his penis had once been inside me, however briefly, and that was surreal. That's a long way from being in love with someone. I toy with the idea of reconciliation when we text each other, but every time I see him I know it's not right.
But I still care about him and later that night it came out, in another one of our famous texting conversations. He said he was very tired that day, couldn't sleep. He told me old friends of his had just had their first child, and they were going to make Walrus the boy's godfather. But the baby was born not breathing, without a heartbeat. They were able to resuscitate him, and everyone's doing well now. However, it's too early to tell if there was brain damage.
Walrus has been not sleeping all week over this. He hasn't seen the baby; his friends live in another province. But he just got so angry that a baby had to start life fighting to breathe...fighting for his chance.
And our friend with the brain tumour is not doing well.... and Walrus has had his share of bad luck as well, as you know.
His godson. Brain damage. Just like him. You can see how that would sting.
Life is not fair. It is a long way from fair and you can rage all you like and there's nothing you can do.
I said to Walrus: you'd better not be thinking you're cursed.
Because he once told me he thought he was....he didn't remember telling me that and I told him how much it scared me at the time. Then I said, "Walrus, you've had more than your share to deal with, but you keep trying to see the positive and to be a good person and that's all you can do. You're doing fine."
And that seemed to please him and we said goodnight.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Another Week
My sister-in-law had the baby. A boy. No name yet.
Two kids at age 21. I can't even imagine....
My friend from choir, the one with the brain tumour, he's in the hospital. I don't know how sick he is. I should visit him...
And those are fairly big things.
Perspective.
In my small little world, I did the little festival on the weekend. Walrus was going to come, but then he didn't plan his time well and didn't make it. How different from last year....that was when I met his parents and he met my mom and sis, and it was the day when I thought we were 'official'.
But he called me 'dear' again, when he told me he wasn't coming
I need to think.
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