The youth camping job, and more musings about my values

I met the other mentors for the youth camp, and I already knew three out of the twelve people.  One from mediation class, one from school, one from volunteering.  I guess my city is small enough that there are only so many young environmental-types, and you're going to start running into the same people.  Especially if you  start narrowing it to environment-and-teaching or environment-and-art.  At the intersection of all those circles -I should draw a Venn diagram- there is me.

It just so happened that the meeting was held at another collective house, because three mentors lived there. It's the theme of the week!  This one was the nicest house, worst location, and had the same eco-ethics of the first one.  I sorta got a sense they weren't quite as strict as that house, but that's just a guess.  They aren't looking for a housemate; it was just interesting to see another one.  The things that were new ideas to me at the first one didn't look as shocking when I encountered them again (in a nicer house!).  But then I could smell pot somewhere in the house, and that's not something I want to live with.

So hard to find where I fit in.  Even meeting these other mentors, and ten of them are vegetarian/vegan...just wondering if I'm going to assimilate to be more like the people in the circles I think I want to move in.  I feel like there's still some separation, not the obvious things like what I choose to eat, but something subtle that says, 'I'm from the suburbs and can't let go of conventionality completely!'

I wish I had a group of friends. I have friends, but they don't know each other and I hang out with them one-on-one.  In college I was in a small department and spent three years with the same fifteen people.  That was the last time I was part of a group.  It's hard to make new friends at this age, when people start to settle down and start families...and I'd guess most people decided on lifestyle and values in college, and probably are becoming mellower, less radical ten years later, while I seem to be doing the opposite!

The people from the summit appeal to me because they have radical ideas but they come from academia or institutions, and tend not to dress like hippies or talk about 'Mother Earth'.  And I respect people who find spirituality in nature, but it doesn't always help the message reach the mainstream.

Wow didn't know I had this much to say this morning.  Over-analyze much?

I tried to write my goals, and they're a bit scattered.  I know what kind of life I want, just really stuck on the big three: job, move out, boyfriend.
I read about Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals (for a company, it's something like 'Be the best widget maker in the world').  What came out for me:  Be needed.  
I almost cried when I wrote that.  At work, at home, with friends and family- I just want a role and to feel needed in it.

This youth camping job is more time commitment than I realized, so it feels like I have a job for the summer, and will still have time to do the community leadership project, work on art, and whatever happens with my social life and looking for a new place.  So maybe I can just hold off on applying for jobs for a while, unless I see something very part time.  If I could make another $150 a week I'd be meeting my income goals, and there's talk of me doing some teaching so I might be close.

Found this article on falling in love.  I don't do it right, haha.  I don't really have sexual feelings for people I've just met, or any kind of instant connection.  Actually, I rarely rarely have crushes.  The article used a Jane Austen quote, (my kind of quote) about people thinking very little of the 'good' in their love interest.  Which is exactly what I tend to do.  'Hey, you're a good person with good morals and you're non-threatening so I will allow myself to pretend I have a crush on you.'   Pretty much my thought process when I met Big Hands.

Good Riddance

Blogging a lot this week...oh well
I've had bad dreams... A recurring dream that I met my ex-best friend Elaine again.  She always wants to be friends again (in the dream) and sometimes I accept that and sometimes I refuse.
And then I dreamt that I got a little package in the mail full of little trinkets and wrapped in a printout of my online dating profile, which turned out to be a gift from a older, married, real estate agent (which somehow explained how he'd found my address?)

Good thing I took the profile down because it was obviously worrying me.

I saw Walrus yesterday.  He wanted to hang out and I had two hours to kill between activities so I said he could meet me downtown.  We went for dinner. Well, I did.  Walrus had two martinis and no food.  Seriously unimpressed.  Hence, the title of this post.  Why did I cry so much for him?

Then I went to a talk about environmental policy, and it was all people I recognized from the summit and Big Hands was there.  Talked to him briefly, he was actually helping to organize the talk so he was busy.  I really enjoyed this group; they meet once a month.

Another little rejection

Now, I'm not too upset because I didn't think it was right for me either, but I got an email this morning from Collective House Two saying they didn't think it was a good fit but it was nice to meet me.  Oh, and they found my art on the internet and liked it.

Sigh.
Do I want feedback from these rejections or not?  For jobs, it might be helpful.  I'd know what training or experience I'm missing.   For dates, for roommates...knowing is probably hurtful.  I wonder if the first impression I give doesn't represent me well.  I tend to get quiet, very polite, a little tiny bit nervous.
Did they think I couldn't pay rent?  Cook well enough?  Were they worried that I'd never lived on my own before?  Oh, the Catch-22 of lack of experience.  Can't get a job, can't get a date, can't move out because I'm supposed to have already done it all by now.

Would like to hide away for a little bit...

I told Carguy no.  I didn't do it very well, but there's no nice way to do it.  He just wrote back, 'Alrighty'.
I'm sorry, dude.  I feel pressure to be nice and accommodating, and also to push myself to meet new people and more practice at dating, but I just didn't want to do it.  Some people think a date where you have no expectations is liberating.  You have nothing to lose, so just be yourself and maybe get a pleasant surprise or a funny story out of the experience.  I just feel really exposed right now with all the interviews and I was dreading it.

I disabled my OKC profile for a bit. I don't really want it out there right now.

I still have a cough, after a bout with a cold last weekend.  I still am getting new spots on my rash.  My mother suggested I get tested for Lupus so now I'm being a hypochondriac.  Well, I do have anemia, fatigue, and problems with my lungs but it's a bit of a stretch.  I would like to know what's behind the anemia.  Gotta get a new doctor.  (I did try, but the nurse said I had to ask my current doctor, which is awkward)
Also in the back of my mind, if I was sick, it would sort of give me an excuse to live with Mom.....

Mom.  I don't really describe her as a character in this blog, but she's a complicated person, very inconsistent.  Smart. Tough, yet passive.  Accepting of situations, hates change.  Terrible housekeeper!

Yesterday there was a family dinner.  My aunt asked me about my day.  Mom was sitting between us, and before I opened my mouth, Mom had answered for me, "She was teaching five-year olds and is tired."
Mom has done this for years and I've never confronted her.

Tired.  Tired.  Tired.
With all the new people I'm meeting, I'm longing for a comfortable chat with an old friend.  Except when I do see someone who's willing to listen, I tend to rant, stuff just pours out, I find myself swearing a lot, which I don't usually do...I try to make cynical funny stories out of the weirdness of my life, but if all I ever talk about is how stupid and apathetic other people are, who's going to want to listen?

I just feel like a mess, and not really in control.  Messy as a roommate, messy emotions, messy use of my energy, trying everything and hitting dead ends.

And I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to get into admin, spending money trying to get the right credentials to get past the gatekeepers of HR departments everywhere.... I spent years learning how to draw.  That is a rarer skill than organizing.  I don't want to waste it.
How can I go be awesome right now with what I have?  How can I make my own opportunity?

Collective House 2

I went to see another House today.  Bit weird, but less of a commitment to a whole new lifestyle.
The housemates are a man in his 50's and a man in his 30's.  His ex is moving in with their 3-month old daughter.  They are separated but are going to live together (in the house, separate rooms) to raise the baby.  So, that's a weird dynamic.

They gave me tea, and let me hold the baby.  Conversation was a bit awkward, until the subject of Dr. Who came up.

The man in his 50s has a funny way of speaking that makes you feel like you've said the wrong thing.  He just pauses for a long time after you've spoken.
The house is a bit messy (which I must say I'm used to).  They do share cooking duties and eat together, (vegan meals if possible) but it's just more casual than the other house.  You do your own dishes, and the cook washes whatever was used to cook the meal.  (I like the other system better- the cook gets a break!)

They showed me the house quickly, the rooms available were a little bit bigger and brighter than the one at the first house. The woman with the baby was an artist, and was setting up a workspace outside so the baby wouldn't breathe the fumes.  I liked her, although she's a bit brassy, and a very different personality than me.

They said they'd let me know by Tuesday.  I don't know how serious I'm taking it.
My dog isn't good around babies, although he learned to calm down around my nephew.
The location for this house is amazing.  I don't know what food is like in this house, but I liked the people better in the first.

It was a busy day.  Earth Day events.  I met Big Hands the economist for the first time, and we made awkward conversation.  Don't know if I have a crush on him but it seems like he's a good person to know in the city.  Recognized quite a few people, so a nice reminder than I'm getting out and doing things.

Carguy still wants to meet and I think I have to just say no.  Which is weird at this point as I've sorta agreed to a meeting.

Just found out about a really cool training program that starts in September but it would be two weekdays a week...hmmmm.

I'm very tired of interviews.  Jobs, housing, dates, I'm always being judged!

mini updates

Remember the job I interviewed for, the one that was unfriendly and I totally bombed? Yeah, they haven't filled the position and have reposted the ad.  Just to add salt to my wounds.  On the bright side, nobody else knew what to do with that kind of interview either!

Going tomorrow to see another collective house.  They want someone immediately, as they have two rooms vacant.  If it was a good fit, I might just pay rent and do a slow move over the month of May.  It would be a big decision.  This one is currently fostering a dog, so my dog could probably come over.  It is closer to Mom's house, so it would be easy to go back 'home' to see my dog and studio.  The housemates are more varied in age, from 3 month old baby to 50-something man.  (My dog isn't great with babies either...so that problem isn't completely solved.)

Saw Walrus today, just went for a walk since I was in his neighbourhood.  It was fine, totally platonic, totally no emotional baggage.  How did that happen and do I get a gold star?

Found out my Community Leadership Project Part Two got a small grant, so now we really have to make it happen!

soooooooo....any minute now all the pieces are going to fall into place and I'll have something resembling a life, yeah?

I went to the collective house

and there's a lot I like about it, but I think deep down it's a no.
I will think about this.  Sleep on it.

I had a tour, and had dinner with the housemates.  They eat dinner together every night, that's part of the community-ness of the house.  Otherwise they do their own thing. The housemates are four men, two women at the moment.  One man is moving out.  Dinner was pasta (rice pasta) and a homemade tomato sauce with beans in it.  There was also some 'braised cabbage' I think they called it, which I liked a lot better than I thought I would.  It was apparently a big deal to have pasta, a processed food! They all cleaned their plates, and I mean clean.  I was having a hard time with the beans- I'm a picky eater and I have a strong gag reflex, so when I don't like something, I really have to force myself to eat it.
I did finish everything on my plate, except for a bay leaf, which I left, and it looked conspicuous next to the other absolutely scraped clean plates.
I ate very slowly, I always do.  I was pretty quiet, taking it all in.  They did ask me questions about my work, why I wanted to live there, and where I live now.  Didn't particularly want to discuss the current living situation, but it is relevant, and they were all very respectful about it.
After dinner they all went into this cleaning routine, everyone had a job, and very quickly had the kitchen spotless.  I was asked to sweep.  Then everyone separated and I stayed with Sam, while she washed some 'scavenged' food found in the grocery store dumpster.  Most of it looked pretty good after she cleaned it.

So, I say I care about the environment.  But what do I do really, other than avoid disposable coffee cups?  These people are buying local, organic food (in bulk), and rescuing food from the dumpster and growing their own in a garden.  The house was a little dark because they only turn the lights on when they need it.  The floor lamp isn't even plugged in until the evening (because electronics draw power if they're plugged in, even if they're turned off)  They put a bucket in the shower with them and save the 'gray water' to flush the toilet with.  That is to say, they don't flush with every use.  If it's yellow, let it mellow...

The pros:  I liked everyone.  I liked the location of the house.  The living room was really welcoming, with art on the walls.  The whole house was neat and clean, except for a few bedrooms.  I like sharing the cooking and eating together.

The maybes:  I actually think I wouldn't mind the toilet system.  And that there's no TV.  Even, maybe, not sure, the 'salvaged food'

The cons:  I'd have a really small room. It could probably fit a bed, and one other thing.  My bookcase, my computer?  I'd have no space to make art, which means I'd have to rent a studio or come back to Mom's.  My dog definitely can't even come visit, and that's maybe a bigger deal than I realized at first.  And I am not really a cat person.

The deal breaker:  Food.  It might just be food.  I had a hard time eating the dinner tonight.  If eating together is a big deal, if wasting food is a big no-no, then me getting through a dinner I don't like is going to be pure torture and socially awkward.  And does peanut butter count as a processed food?  Can I learn to like goat's milk yogurt?

I think living there would be good for me in a lot of ways, but it would be a huge learning curve, and I might be adopting values to go along with the group, rather than because I really share them.  It's certainly eye-opening to see how other people live, and how far I'm really willing to go, what comforts and conveniences I'm willing to give up....

Sam and I did have a chat after the dinner about the unspoken rules of the house.  Are people comfortable with nudity or are they private with their bodies? (They are private.)  What happens if someone is depressed or having a crisis?  Do the other housemates get involved?  (They are just starting to discuss this.  Apparently everyone's been generally stable the past four years.)

I was dying to ask, but didn't: do people have, uh, overnight visitors?  I'm assuming that all six housemates are not celibate.  They did mention the house carried sound, and that there was once a couple of guests in the guest room who were...very very audible one night.
Because one of the biggest cons about living with Mom is that Walrus and I were never able to be alone, and this might not be an improvement.  If I'm ever to have sex, I really don't need 5 housemates listening.