I told Carguy no. I didn't do it very well, but there's no nice way to do it. He just wrote back, 'Alrighty'.
I'm sorry, dude. I feel pressure to be nice and accommodating, and also to push myself to meet new people and more practice at dating, but I just didn't want to do it. Some people think a date where you have no expectations is liberating. You have nothing to lose, so just be yourself and maybe get a pleasant surprise or a funny story out of the experience. I just feel really exposed right now with all the interviews and I was dreading it.
I disabled my OKC profile for a bit. I don't really want it out there right now.
I still have a cough, after a bout with a cold last weekend. I still am getting new spots on my rash. My mother suggested I get tested for Lupus so now I'm being a hypochondriac. Well, I do have anemia, fatigue, and problems with my lungs but it's a bit of a stretch. I would like to know what's behind the anemia. Gotta get a new doctor. (I did try, but the nurse said I had to ask my current doctor, which is awkward)
Also in the back of my mind, if I was sick, it would sort of give me an excuse to live with Mom.....
Mom. I don't really describe her as a character in this blog, but she's a complicated person, very inconsistent. Smart. Tough, yet passive. Accepting of situations, hates change. Terrible housekeeper!
Yesterday there was a family dinner. My aunt asked me about my day. Mom was sitting between us, and before I opened my mouth, Mom had answered for me, "She was teaching five-year olds and is tired."
Mom has done this for years and I've never confronted her.
Tired. Tired. Tired.
With all the new people I'm meeting, I'm longing for a comfortable chat with an old friend. Except when I do see someone who's willing to listen, I tend to rant, stuff just pours out, I find myself swearing a lot, which I don't usually do...I try to make cynical funny stories out of the weirdness of my life, but if all I ever talk about is how stupid and apathetic other people are, who's going to want to listen?
I just feel like a mess, and not really in control. Messy as a roommate, messy emotions, messy use of my energy, trying everything and hitting dead ends.
And I'm wondering why I'm trying so hard to get into admin, spending money trying to get the right credentials to get past the gatekeepers of HR departments everywhere.... I spent years learning how to draw. That is a rarer skill than organizing. I don't want to waste it.
How can I go be awesome right now with what I have? How can I make my own opportunity?
It sounds like you're putting yourself out there way more than I would have to energy for. Focus on the positives if you can. Drawing is an incredible skill. There's etsy. And probably tons more that you already know about. You already are awesome. As for being able to have an income with that awesome--that's a tough one. Don't know what else to say, really, except that I appreciate you.
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