Break-Up Posts are the Worst...

Post break-up analysis:

The sads have lessened, anger has moved in.

At least I have friends checking in on me, and everyone's got their opinion.  Some are pro-Nerdboy, some think I should move on.

But I still would go back in a second.  Despite what you're about to read.

~~~

I'm at my mothers, in the suburbs.  Her house is a mess (a disaster) and she's looking after my sister's 15 year old dog.  The dog paces constantly, waiting for her master to come back (still another week on my sister's holiday).  My 12 hour a week commute to work is now going to be 17.

I'm almost flat broke, and it's the beginning of the month, so who knows when I can find an apartment.  I might be here a while.  I guess I'll clean mom's house.

~~~

My sister said to tell him my side, to tell him I wasn't giving up.

So I wrote him a letter.

It was very tear-stained, but I think I said stuff like "Both Walrus and (platonic friendship that ended in massive fight eight years ago) Elaine told me I made them feel not good enough for me."
I don't know what it is, what am I doing?  Is this a pattern? I can be so righteous, so holier-than-thou.
Granted these people have been a bit broken, each in their own way, and my expectations might not have been entirely the problem.

But I suspect Nerdboy has Aspergers or some sort of unique brain wiring that doesn't work the way I expect it to, and he knows that and it's painful for him.  From reading the autism forums, I could see his side- no one wants to be always coached and corrected and feel 'wrong' their whole life.

Not that I've ever even breathed the 'A' word to him.

I said I didn't want my dreams to come at the cost of his. (re: me not having a steady income)

I said I don't get how your brain works but I think you did show you love(d) me.  But you were a bit unpredictable and I spent a lot of time trying to react to your brain, overreacting probably, my little ship always tipping over in your waves.

I said I did love him and had agreed to marry him with joy and with clear eyes.

~~~

Sleepless night.  The next morning I felt a bit foolish about the letter, worried I hadn't said enough about finding stable work.  There was a reply from him in my email, which I read at 6am.

And at the time I accepted what he said and felt at peace.  (Hey, 6am brain is not the sharpest.)
And I went through my day with a smiley mask on, but in the back of my mind I was turning it over.

(please excuse the pronoun trouble here.)
His response:  We are stagnating.  He feels trapped.  I (Eleanor) don't know what I want from him or from life, and he's been waiting two years.  I need to figure my shit out, I need to work on me, he doesn't want to push those decisions.  I talk about changes and don't do them, he feels he can't rely on me.
Maybe we can get back together if you get your shit together, maybe not.  We don't work and he can't go back to the way it was.

That is the bare bones of it, he did pad it a little so that on the first read all I got was that there was a chance we could get back together (ever hopeful...)

I said I needed to think about it.  And now I think a break is good.  For both of us.
I have a lot to say about it, but haven't replied.

1 Stagnating since...you proposed six weeks ago?
2. And what did you do about it, good sir?  Did you peep one fucking peep to your beloved wife to be?
3. Don't know what I want?  I've asked you for what I want, over and over:  shows of affection.  check-ins about my day, challenge each other, ask about my plans, my dreams.  Did you tell me what you wanted from me or from life?  I asked you repeatedly.
4. Yes I have been bouncing around job-wise for two years, but I've also started a small business that is doing ok, and there's been a learning curve.  Can you not see my achievements, my growth?  heck, you were my first long term relationship and I had no choice but to grow and no idea what I was doing.
5. Yes we talked about me going into (blank) industry but in my heart I didn't want to do that, I was only agreeing to it because a. I was tired of the instability of my income and b I thought it would make our relationship better if i was less stressed and we had a bigger apartment.
6.You can't rely on me for what exactly?  I'm not an irresponsible person, I just am trying to be an artist which is a difficult path.
7. WHY DID YOU PROPOSE?  WHY?

So, anger.  Legitimate anger I think.  He sees me as chaos, because he needs order.  he doesn't see my work as work, he doesn't see the obstacles I'm facing.  He makes me pay 50% of everything even though his income is twice mine.  We didn't even buy furniture together, I paid for the dresser we share.

So before I was scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan to get off this poverty cycle, lose 30 pounds and desperately trying to figure out why my relationship was failing.
Now I'm scrambling to pay bills, work on a career plan, lose 30 pounds, get over a broken heart, decide to fight for him or move on, clean my hoarder-mother's house, and commuting 2 or 3 hours a day for a few hours of teaching (six days a week).
So thanks, Nerdboy.  I guess I'll 'work on me' then.  Nowhere to go but up at this point.

Question 8:  if you can't stick with me in my troubled times, how can a marriage last?

~~~
He has messaged me throughout the day 'Your family must think I'm awful'.  'Darn I didn't get to watch that DVD collection I gave your for Christmas' (that went over like a ton of bricks)  Then a link about a nose cleaning spray....

Tonight he dropped off boxes of my stuff at my moms.  we didn't talk.  just an awkward pause at the door.  'Guess i'll talk to you later then', he said.

~~~
I am slightly worried that I am unreliable.  I seem to get into scrapes and crises.  Elaine had to get me out of some deadline jams, my mom took my dog and the pile of crap I left behind, Nerdboy always had to cover my rent or drive me around.