Last night Nerdboy sat on the couch with his hands folded, I was putting some sweatpants on...I looked at him and knew it was bad. He said, "I want to break up". I swore.
I wasn't shocked, maybe a moment of relief that I wasn't the only one hurting.
But pretty much started crying. the whole evening, the whole night, the whole morning.
he said stuff like, "I can't make you happy, I can't be what you want. I wish we were just best friends because I want you in my life, I really care about you, I haven't been close to anyone in a long time"
I said really articulate stuff like, "Fuck. Nooooo. Nooooooo."
I had so many doubts and then he pulls the plug and I dig in and refuse to accept it.
Because I do love him? Because I can't stand more rejection and failure?
As it was only 7pm in the evening, we played MarioKart and I cried while playing.
He slept on the couch, I on the bed.
I guess tonight I'll go to my mom's.
Oh fuck. I don't want to give up my little life, I don't want to start over, I don't want to hurt him.
Eleanor,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're hurting. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I've been following your journey for years, and you've kept me very good company. Sending you good thoughts.
I'm really sorry - I'm a fellow female late starter (first kiss at 32, in my first long-term but also very long-distance relationship now) and never commented but was dismayed to read this: for all that you've clearly had significant doubts about how right this relationship was for either of you, that doesn't make the upheaval and grief any easy right now. You clearly do care for him. All the best.
ReplyDeleteReally sorry to read that things have taken such a tough turn. I wish there was more that we could do to help. I'm hoping for good things to come your way whichever way things go from here.
ReplyDeletethank you for the comments. I can't believe you guys still read this blog! The support means a lot
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