It wasn't working, I love him. both things are true and I'm confused.
People tell me the next one will be better and ...there was room for improvement...
but I still have to grieve the end of this.
And because I was told to 'get my shit together' and my shit is definitely not together, I'm freaking out about my lack of success. Back at Mom's, found a bunch of my old notebooks and all the lists of goals, exactly the same as what I write today, still not any closer to achieving any of them.
34 years old and my assets include a bunch of art books and my childhood collection of 80s My Little Ponies.
I work a few hours a day teaching six days a week, I'm always on the bus. I'm stressed.
I wanted to do my own art but this schedule which is supposed to support that is the thing getting in the way of it.
Professionally, I've gotten a lot of 'noes' and 'you're not ready' and I'm so crushed. I need experience, need to feel like I have some marketable skills, and yet every day I deal with other people who are really not good at their job and I wonder how they got the position.
I had a little bit of savings locked up and they just came due this week. This was the money Nerdboy wanted me to go back to school with. But I want to buy a car.
I run around the city, carried bags of art supplies, it's poured rain this week and I have to wear gumboots and a slicker. I arrive looking a mess, sweaty, with soggy papers.
A car, a car, a car. Just a little $2000 beater. It would give me freedom, it would give me something to build on for my teaching. I could put a graphic on it advertising my classes.
I told my mom last night and she dumped on the idea. Insurance is so much! You can't afford it! The car won't be reliable!
And I started to cry and cry. 'I can't have a house, I can't have babies, I can't even have a stupid car."
Mom said, "You can have those things, you just need to regroup for a few months"
My mom is bad at comforting. she doesn't hug. She says awkward things.
My mom is maybe depressed or mentally ill, she doesn't clean the house and she shuts down a lot when she doesn't like what her children are up to.
I just cried on the couch and she went to bed without saying anything. Today she texted she was worried. My sister said, 'Huh. That's more than I ever got'
What does she expect me to do for these three months, stuck here in the suburbs and commuting 16 hours a week. yes I know the car is a financial strain but whatever job I get I'll need it.
and I don't ever see a house and babies in my future.
Sometimes my dreams seem so small and so far away. I picked art over those other things....but what is it getting me.
Sorry to hear that things are tough. You're right, of course, that you do need to grieve for the relationship before you move on. I do hope that a better relationship will come, but it will take some time to arrive. Maybe being single gives you more time to handle the other busy things happening, but a lot of it may not be fun. Most of 2010 was a lot like that for me. At times it was a real drag to keep slogging through the days, but afterwards I was glad that I did.
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