just some thoughts to myself. when i'm sad I hate to be alone. My friends all checked up on me last week, but tonight no one is answering and today has been rough.
I work 6 days a week, and since the break up I've had things to do on my day off as well. So not time to process, my work needs me to be 'on' and smiling.
Last weekend Nerdboy drove boxes of stuff to mom's. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time and we unloaded the boxes. That went ok, so I went back with him for the second load. We sort of know how to be around each other, sitting in the passenger seat felt normal, and yet everything was changed I did ask him how he was doing, who he'd told, if he drank (just once, he said)....There was a third trip to the recycling depot and he stopped by his, formerly our, place. I sat in the car. He came back with a sandwich for me and I lost it. Waaaaah, he's being nice to me.
Then laughed. "It's really hard to cry and eat"
I also saw him briefly Sunday when I went by for forgotten items. I had a horrible experience, I'm running these recycling workshops and rented a large venue. Then the venue got all mad because I had used some plates from the kitchen. They wouldn't let me wash them. There's more to the story, but anyways- I ranted to him about it.
How easily we could slip into being friends...I thought.
is that good or bad?
Monday there was texting about a craigslist item. He said he'd be happy if he sold three items. I snarked about him being happy. Silence for a few days. One practical texting about mail today.
Right, because everybody needs the play by play of every interaction.
The point is, I hate being at Mom's. I don't think I can forgive him for dumping me here. If you're not here for the bad times, why would I come back to you when I'm more successful?
And was I getting what I want? Not kisses, not sex, not emotional closeness, not even a friggin' 'How was your day?' There was friendship, there was affection, there were small kindnesses but I waited so long to be loved. I wanted to be adored.
I hate the thought of starting over, but maybe it's good if I sleep with more than one man in my life. Maybe I could find someone who is so interested in me we stay up all night talking...And hey, maybe I'd find someone who actually likes kissing with tongue.
I opened an OK Cupid account just now. No picture, no profile, just a lurker. Gosh, everyone is so good looking. Only a few people I recognized from last time I had an account. A lot of polyamory, don't think that's my thing.
I look like shit right now. Size 14, almost 200 pounds. Scruffy thrift store clothes.
And yet, one bright side, work continues to pour in. I don't have the energy these opportunities deserve, but I can't let them go by.
Sorry to hear that you've had a rough day. I do think that you could find someone who is better suited to you. I thought that at times when you were writing about your relationship, but wasn't sure whether to say it. (Maybe I did say it - I'm not always very tactful.) Starting over is hard and you can't yet know how it would turn out, but it could be really good. If it does go that way, I hope that your next boyfriend inspires a much more flattering nickname than NerdBoy. Something like AwesomeKisser or LovelyMan.
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