I felt like I was being jerked around by his vagueness of reasons, his suggestions that things could change in a few months. I wrote an angry email saying no more, I'm done.
He apologized. He said he was confused, that my letter to him was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for him. And then we started talking. I forgave everything instantly.
He said the reason was that I wasn't going after what I want, that he got tired of watching me drop the ball, tired of me being unhappy.
There have been several long chats (using online messaging) this week about the problems in our relationship. Last night's was four hours and made us both cry.
He said he didn't know what he wanted from a relationship. I asked if he knew what I wanted.
His answer: Comfort. Companionship. sex. intimacy. apple crumble.
Not bad, actually. He knows me better than I give him credit for.
At one point I joked we should go for late night donuts.
I asked if he would see me, and he hesitated.
Later he asked what I meant. "Not your house. Somewhere neutral. We talk in person, like we're doing now."
This morning, he asked if we could go get those donuts.
So plans were made for late afternoon. And when I tried to hug him he drew back.
And we spent several hours together, in public places, shopping, eating. He shared his food with me. I told him little tidbits about work and family and BUYING THE CAR THIS WEEKEND!
It was awkward and so familiar.
And then when it was time to go home, we hadn't talked, he had a tummy ache and we just looked at each other sadly. So much torment.
When i got home I wrote 'all this talking has to lead to a mutual decision to separate or we fumble our way back to each other'.
He said, 'I blame today's failure on my upset tummy'
So....what was that?
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