So, it was Friday we hung out and it was awkard and nothing was said. Saturday and Sunday we had online chats for hours about nothing at all, tv shows and sci-fi books. Monday I got my car and wrote to tell him. He was a little bit mean about it 'god help us all!' sort of jokes, and one other exchange about him winning the lotto also got a bit of a snippy comment which he then retracted.
But I was going crazy from the uncertainty and pushed on. Thursday night he had said such vulnerable things, seemed so sad and affectionate, it seems liked we were just a breath away from getting back together.
I started out with 'We're doing the friends thing' and he said 'there's a but in that sentence'
I should have asked more questions about why it happened, instead of leading with an ultimatum.
Because it turned into me going 'don't throw this away' and him saying 'it's broken'
It was not very dignified.
I shouldn't even be thinking so much about strategy. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here.
I fought for him as much as I could.
Not sure what to do now. I'm looking for places to live, with roommates, and a bunch of nice sounding ones turn out to be mere blocks from his place (where we used to live together). That would be crazy-making, to know he was so close, to see his car...
I want to start writing to people on dating sites, just to force myself to move on, but I know I'm not healed and I wish I had the housing/job stuff more figured out.
So much work to do. So sad right now.
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